If you had fun on Halloween, just wait and see what the Festivous season has in store. Here are some ideas so you can throw your own rager for Christmahannukwanzakuh… or whatever you celebrate.

Tacky Christmas Party

Now’s the time to dig out the sweater you got last year from Aunt Millie – the one with real pom poms sewn on to represent snowflakes, with bedazzled reindeer flying across the front. If you don’t have your own tacky Christmas sweater, rummage through your mom’s closet or hit up the Salvation Army. These parties have been gaining quite the reputation over the last few years, with party goers trying to out-ugly each other. Decorate with lawn ornaments from the Clearance rack at K-Mart, and serve Malt Liqour to your guests. Who doesn’t love a white trash Christmas?

Hannukah Song Party

Who says you have to put your Halloween costume in the closet on November 1? Give your best celebrity costume another go by throwing a party where everyone goes as their favorite character from Adam Sandler’s “Hannukah Song.” Once everyone gets nicely buzzed, the phrase “OJ Simpson- not a Jew!” will echo through the halls, and “Put us together- what a fine lookin’ Jew” will be the pickup line of the night.

Gingerbread Tran Party

Cross-dressing meets Christmas. Need I say more? If you love Angel from Rent, this party will be right up your alley. Another fun evening? Rated X holiday baking. Who ever grows out of decorating pervy gingerbread men and women? Throw on an apron, grab a rainbow of frosting choices, and let your dirty little imagination run wild. Then hand out the tasty treats to everyone on your floor. See if your RA turns as red as Rudolph’s nose.

Naughty or Nice Party

Which list are you on this year? Think of this as the holiday version of a “Heaven and Hell” party. It’s a great excuse to wear your red bikini in December. Other costume party ideas? Dress up like your favorite Christmas song (and yes, Justin Timberlake’s D*ck in a Box counts) or your favorite holiday story character (Ralphie, anyone?).

Of course, with limited time, and in the midst of finals, you may opt to have a straight holiday party, where everyone can wear their normal clothes. That’s no reason to forego the holiday drinking games just because you don’t have time to plan something elaborate.

Play “Drinking Dradle,” where every side of the dradle is designated with a rule, e.g. “Drink one shot” or “Social.” Better yet, play it just over a week to put new meaning to the phrase “Eight Crazy Nights.”

Have a Liquor Grab Bag. Have everyone bring something potent and throw it into a box, still in the brown bag. After everyone’s chosen their “gift” for the night, you can be a Grinch, and make everyone take a swig without opening the bag to see what they’ve chosen, or you can play Tiny Tim and let your guests trade to promote some good old holiday cheer.

Still too busy to really get into the holiday spirit? Half-ass the party by making red and green jello shots or serving up some warm, wintry cocktails. The best part about a holiday party? You can splurge for an ice luge on the back porch, and it won’t melt until spring.

Though I can usually throw together something appropriate for work or special events, about half of my clothing inventory consists of utterly ridiculous garments. It doesn’t help that I’m sentimental and can’t discard my prom dresses five years later, or that I’m waiting for certain trends to come back (though I’m pretty sure sparkly, sleeveless, turtleneck sweaters were never in style to begin with). And it definitely doesn’t help that I went through a goth/punk phase that a small part of the “professional” me desperately wants to revert back to.

As we all get ready for back to school, many of us will rummage through our closets and get rid of last season’s most shameful shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants in order to make room in our tiny dorm closets for upcoming styles (that we will undoubtedly regret in 2009 or 2010).

Here are some of my particularly embarrassing items.

1. Drawstring Khakis

I think that any pants that don’t have a numerical size should be left alone. So, why I bought these “Size L” drawstring pants with floral embroidery at the bottom is beyond me. They don’t go with any shoes, the trim is tacky, and they are so baggy that they make my ass look like a misshaped Volvo. I used to wear them to lounge around, because a lack of a waist obviously equals comfort; however, I made the mistake of wearing them out of the house one extremely hungover day. In public. With friends. My friend turned to me and said, “If you ever wear those pants again, I will cut them off your body.” Point taken.

Final Decision: Toss ‘em.

2. Early 2,000′s skirt from Wet Seal

In my high school yearbook, I was photographed for Amnesty International wearing a purple skirt from Wet Seal with a paisley-ish print and purple sequins along the bottom. I still own that skirt, and I still wear it. So, first of all, the skirt is practically vintage; second, I am far too old to shop at Wet Seal; third, it’s left over from freaking high school.

The strangest part? When I wear it, I get an avalanche of compliments. Everyone says I look pretty, they love my skirt, blah blah blah. Who knew?

Final Decision: It’s a keeper!

3. Girls’ Size 14 Hannah Montana Dress

Here’s a tip for all of you shopaholics out there: Don’t go shopping with a very strong buzz on. You might decide to buy a dress from the little girls’ department of Mervyn’s.

This monstrosity is a silver A-line dress with a black netting overlay, and Miley Cyrus’ face emblazoned on the front left side. In my drunken shopping stupor, it seemed like a great dress to own! Sadly, it’s already gotten worn twice this summer: once to a bar, where it actually got a lot of compliments, and once to a “Hot Tranny Mess” theme party.

Final Decision: I definitely won’t wear this to a job interview, but you never know when an opportunity to dress as “Post-Op Hannah MonTRANa” will arise. Keep it.

4. White and Green Floral Strapless Dress from David’s Bridal

I bought this dress for a wedding last summer. What’s so shameful about it? Well, in the last year, I lost enough weight that my chi chi’s can no longer hold the top up.

Furthermore, this pattern was apparently all the rage for bridal parties last year. So while the dress itself is simple and pretty, I’ve since seen many wedding albums on Facebook in which the bridesmaids are all wearing this dress. And knowing the way people talk about bridesmaid dress nightmares, owning the same dress (and picking it out myself!) is just shameful.

So basically, the thing doesn’t fit, it totally outs my “I’m not afraid to wear last season this season” mantra, and wherever I wear it, I run the risk of someone coming up to me and gushing about how they wore the same dress as a bridesmaid in a wedding.

Final Decision: Time to toss it.

5. My collection of FCUK t-shirts

Let me begin by mentioning that all of my French Connection tees were purchased IN the United Kingdom, and it drives me crazy to see “Too Busy to FCUK” t-shirts sold in the U.S. because that would make it FCUSA, wouldn’t it??

Anyway, during my stint in England a few years ago, the FCUK puns were at their peak. I have a “Guaranteed FCUK” shirt, a “Too Busy to FCUK” shirt, and a “Do I FCUK” shirt. I also have a “FCUK Down Under” shirt that a friend bought me in Australia, but again, if it wasn’t bought in the UK, it should really say “FCOZ” down under, or whatever you would call Australia. Whatever.

Not only are the shirts mildly inappropriate to wear in public (especially around grandmothers and children), but it’s really hard to find a good size. I’ve tried on Mediums and Larges, and they just don’t quite make the grade. I also have an extra-Large tank top that says, “Massive Hits…FCUK FM” straight across my massive tits, but I don’t even wear XL sizes anyway.

Final Decision: I should toss them, but they remind me of fun times in Picadilly Circus. So I will fold them, store them, and promise to never wear them. As an even trade-off, I will get rid of my “Hooters: Off-Campus” t-shirt and matching Hooters gym shorts. Is that fair?