July is pretty much here (I know – where the eff did June go??), and I can’t help but notice more American-themed fashion/toys/food crowding the retail shelves just about everywhere.  At first I was confused (I mean, that red, white, and blue dress is cute, but wasn’t Fleet Week a while ago?), then it dawned on me…Independence Day.

After about a minute of feeling guilty about almost forgetting our Nation’s birthday, I started to remember why I adore the 4th of July so much.  I get to spend time with my family, spend all weekend drunk and in the sun, and eat massive amounts of food.

This year, however, I decided I wasn’t going to puss out after just three servings of barbecue.  So, I did a little research and gathered some tips from the masters (read: the competitors in the yearly Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest!).  Now you guys can join me in celebrating the founding of America the only way that is appropriate – by eating more than anyone else on the planet.

Don’t Starve Yourself Beforehand – When you starve yourself, you’re actually making your stomach shrink (in addition to being a pretty bad move in general).  Keep eating before the big day and you’ll  keep your appetite up.  Besides, who wants to rock that crazed, hungry person look during the family picnic?

Prepare Your Stomach - Assuming that you aren’t Takeru Kobayashi, you probably don’t eat like a maniac on a normal basis.  Therefore, you might have to stretch your stomach out to make room for all those amazing Independence Day meals (ribs? burgers? corn on the cob? Droooool).  Use this week to chug water and chomp on mad lettuce – you’ll expand your stomach in no time (thirds, much?). Read More »

Dear Nadya Suleman,

Ever since you gave birth to octuplets last week, the media just can’t stop talking about you. Which seems to suit you just fine; we heard that you’ve hired an agent to help you break into TV. Splendid!

t’s good to see a mother who just loves using her kids for cash flow her children.

You’ll definitely make tons of money from doing interviews, and you’ll even get to meet celebrities. Maybe you’ll even be on Oprah! Or even Maury Povich – he loves those “Who’s the Daddy?” shows!

I noticed you were hoping to land a job on some news show or another as an “on-camera childcare expert.” I’m thinking you are better suited to be a baby-making expert (14 kids under the age of 7…and you are only 33!), but that’s neither here nor there. Read More »

Hailed as “one of the greatest moments in American sports history,” Joey Chestnut, 23, made America proud yesterday as he shoveled 66 hotdogs into his mouth in a mere 12 minutes. Needless to say, it was one of the most disgusting displays of American pride I have ever seen.

In a brutal showdown, 6 time Japanese champion Takeru Kobayashi went dog for dog with Chestnut until almost the very end, despite a jaw injury. Unfortunately for Kobayashi, his “reversal” (aka barf) during the final stretch cost him 3 HDB’s (Hot Dogs and Buns eaten) for a total of 63. Both competitors broke their own records as well as the record for most hot dogs ever eaten.

The competition, held annually, has been around since 1916. If 90 years of hot dog pounding doesn’t scream what is wrong with our countries eating habits, the amount of calories Chestnut consumed—20,394—should.

Welcome to America, land of the free and home of obesity.