Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing our favorite cupcake bakery, when we were choosing what to spend our tax refund on, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which annoying celebrity is more grating on our nerves, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis. We have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two celebs that continue to invade our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid them: Rachael Ray and Tyra Banks. Who is makes us want to kill ourselves more? We wish we didn’t have to choose. Let’s break it down:

Career
Rachael Ray landed herself a show on the food network cooking thirty minute meals. She also wrote about cooking thirty minute meals several times. Honestly how many times can you find “new” way to make tacos in a timely manner? Apparently not enough because Rachael then came out with her own cooking magazine. If that wasn’t enough Rachael Ray, we can watch her talk show and Dunkin Donuts commercials as well.

Tyra Banks became a runway model as a teenager and made a career out of it early on. Runway shows, catalogs, TV modeling competitions… she even likes to think she is a fashion photographer. This chick has exhausted the modeling angle and we seem to eat it up. After Victoria’s Secret, Tyra decided to go back to her TV career and became a talk show host. Oh, and don’t tell me you forgot about her recurring role on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Point: Rachael Ray. Rachael won by a magazine. I’m sure Tyra is throwing a tantrum to start her own magazine as we speak, but for now the over-exposure point goes to Rachael.

Talk Show
Rachael Ray likes to wake her guests up in the morning with the voice of a raspy menthol smoker. Seriously, someone needs to lay off the shouting and suck on a Luedens for a few. After a brief talk session, she nauseates her audience with the fresh smell of simmering chili. Why is this a morning show again?

Tyra Banks has a talk show as well, but Tyra mainly likes to talk about herself. No matter what her guests have done, Tyra can one-up them with a fun little anecdote. Homeless guests? Tyra will talk about the time she pretended to be homeless. Overweight guests? Tyra will put on a fat suit for a day and tell us about it. Big boobs? Tyra has bigger boobs. Don’t even try to go up against the hostess with the mostess.

Point: Tyra Banks. Tyra tries to do it all… and fails. You can’t have both! You are either a crazy guest, or a crazy host – never both!

Over-used Catch Phrase
Rachael Ray:
EVOO - Rachael used this gem so god-damn much it is now in the Oxford English Dictionary. I really wish I was joking.

Yum-o! – Why can’t we just say “yummy”? Is it really that different? Why Rachael, why?

Sammies - Once again, I ask why not sandwiches? It’s not that far off and saying the full word will still allow you to complete that meal in under 30 minutes. I really don’t like this cutesy abbreviation trend we have going here. She needs to be stopped.

Tyra Banks:
“Smile with your eyes”- I’m sorry, this can’t be done. We can look happy with our eyes or smile with our mouth, but one cannot smile with their eyes.

“Fierce!”- Not everything is fierce. Runway walking? Yes. Eating a hamburger? No, not fierce.

“I have two beautiful girls standing in front of me….“- We hear this every freaking episode. Enough! We get it, you like repetitive monologues. They are models, they are probably pretty, one has potential…you don’t need to keep saying it.

Point: Rachael Ray. Tyra may be repetitive (and batsh*t crazy), but Rachael is just plain irritating. Really? We need to abbreviate extra virgin olive oil? Oh wait, we need to explain our abbreviation, which defeats the point of an abbreviation? Well then, Rachael gets the point for most annoying catch phrase.

Photos
Rachael Ray posed for an FHM spread a few years ago. She tried to look sexy in a variety of shots where she licked a spoon, washed some dishes and cooked a turkey.

Tyra Banks made a career out of modeling. These days she seems to critique photos more than she poses for them.

Point: Rachael Ray. Both ladies like to ham it up, but maybe Rachael should leave it to the professionals (even if we do like seeing her vs. hearing her talk). Perhaps Tyra could help her find the light… or learn how to smile with those eyes.

Celebrity Idol
Rachael Ray wants to be the next Martha Stewart (give or take the waspy accent). She even has the magazine and television show to prove it. Maybe we’ll even see Rachael in jail sometime soon; that would be fun. She could talk about how much she misses EVOO and make 30 minute meals out of whatever gruel they serve in the clink.

Tyra Banks would love to take over for Oprah. She even has that excited yelling thing down. Little does Tyra know, there is only enough room in the talkshow town for one Oprah, and that one isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Sorry Tyra.

Point: Tyra Banks. There is only one Oprah. Don’t even try.

Celebretard Prize: Rachael Ray

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In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys.

1. Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of my personal icons, and I give her kudos for becoming Saturday Night Live’s first female head writer. Fey’s writing has earned her a 2001 Writers Guild of America Award for SNL’s 25th anniversary special as well as a 2002 Emmy for the show.

Tina’s script for Mean Girls is distinctive from teen movies in the vein of Can’t Hardly Wait thanks to its satiric critique of high school. I don’t care how old I get; I will probably always find a way to greet someone with “Jambo!”, or a way to work, “Your mom’s chest hair” into a heated argument. Of course, let’s not forget her more recent work on Emmy Award-winning 30 Rock and Baby Mama.

One of my favorite recent Tina Fey bits is the Bitch is the New Black segment from Fey’s recent SNL hosting gig.

2. Wanda Sykes

Some people might equate the sound of Sykes’ voice to nails on a chalkboard, but I think this trait makes her stand out. A longtime colleague of Chris Rock, Sykes served on the writing team for The Chris Rock Show, which was nominated for four Emmys, winning one in 1999. I appreciate Sykes’ ability to add hilarity and sass to supporting roles in films such as Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

On a personal note, I’ve seen Wanda Sykes’ stand up, and it can hold its own against the likes of male phenom, Chris Rock.

3. Margaret Cho

I think that Margaret Cho is one of the most underrated comedians out there. Her stand up career led to opening acts for Seinfeld and spots on a Bob Hope special and The Arsenio Hall Show. Though she won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Comedian in 1994, this distinction is often overshadowed by her flop sitcom All-American Girl (which I happened to watch religiously for its short cable career). On a side note, I think it’s awesome that Cho has been deputized by the City of San Francisco to perform marriages after same-sex marriage was legalized in California earlier this year. Humor and human rights are a great combination.

If you disagree with my putting Cho on this list, I suggest you watch the video she created with fellow comic Diana Yanez, a viral hit entitled My Puss. Then, Netflix some of her DVDs.

4. Sarah Silverman

I wasn’t impressed with Silverman’s role in School of Rock, but I do applaud her blunt comments at last year’s MTV VMA’s and Movie Awards.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail… As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it is wrong, too. I just worry she is going to break her teeth on those things

Wow, [Britney Spears] is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.

The real reason that Silverman is on this list is… you guessed it: the little gem of a birthday video presented to then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. How do you even think of something like this?

5. Ellen DeGeneres

Part of Ellen’s appeal (for me) is her genuine personality. I know, it’s all about humor here, but Ellen can make people laugh just by dancing around the set of her talk show. In the 1980s, Ellen was dubbed “a distaff version of Bob Newhart,” and won the title of funniest person in America (read: person not just “funniest female“).

In the 1990s, I was a fan of her sitcom Ellen, and of course, in addition to being a great show, Ellen and her show had a monumental impact on the Gay Rights Movement, also earning a 1997 Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the famous “coming out” episode. During the 90′s, Ellen was often referred to as a “female Seinfeld.”

I’m not usually a fan of talk shows, but Ellen’s sincere humor has earned 10 Daytime Emmy Awards. So, go Ellen, and congrats on finally marrying Portia DeRossi!

Honorable Mentions

I really wanted to include Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph in the top five, but thought my obsession with SNL would make for a biased ‘Top Five’ list. Poehler was the first SNL member to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy, and has loaned her quirky facial expressions to films such as Wet Hot American Summer, Mean Girls, Deuce Bigalow, Blades of Glory, and, of course, Baby Mama. She was the only one “man” enough to take Jimmy Fallon’s spot on Weekend Update, making her and Tina Fey the show’s first female team to host the segment.

As for Maya Rudolph? Come on! She can play just about any gender and any race. Whether playing Oprah Winfrey, Justin Guarini, Mario Vazquez, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Latoya Jackson, and Donatella Versace, Rudolph is always both convincing and side-splitting. Besides: she can freaking sing!

*Leslie Hall is probably a name you’ve never heard. But I highly recommend checking out some of the work from this satirical rap artist from Iowa who also operates a “gem sweater museum.”

*Natalie Portman is not someone you’d think of when you think of comediennes, but her SNL rap deserves some praise.

I know I’ve left out a lot of noteworthy women, but hey, it’s all relative. So if you disagree, feel free to let me know who you would vote for funniest female!

The highlights are below.

Having Heidi, Spencer and Tyra in one place should really cause the world to implode, no? That’s a whole lot of douche for one stage. I don’t even really know where to begin. Maybe with Heidi’s awful Heidiwood ensemble? Or the fact that she and Spencer have been denying for two years that they had anything to do with the tape, only to openly discuss it on national television? (Although, this is the Tyra show; it really doesn’t count.) Or when Spencer, so eloquently, discusses his distaste for watching Lauren’s alleged sex tape. Or, my favorite, when Heidi admits that she was in surgery (getting those boobs/lips/facelift) the day the rumor of the video hit the world.

These two never seize to amaze me.

And I can’t wait to see what they do next.

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