The bright side? I hadn’t thought of Ricky Martin since shaking my bon-bon in my parents’ basement at the respectable age of 13. His coming out lifting him from obscurity and catapulted him back to the level of his days sipping out of the Cup of Life. I was hearing about him virtually everywhere. Ricky Martin hid from fame for so long and with his news, came out of a closet and basked in US Weekly glory, paycheck after paycheck.

Coming out in Hollywood is like working overtime.  It’s the key to success for has-been A-listers, a chance to return to relevance and once again soak up the limelight.  Look at Lindsay Lohan for instance; she didn’t need her leggings line anymore once she started toting DJ Samantha Ron-Hizzle around.  And who needs the title of American Idol when you’re sporting eye liner and getting frisky with other dudes on stage like one Mr. Adam Lambert? And you know Lance Bass’s “I’m Gay” cover story took him from former boy-bander who no one remembered to insta-celebrity over night.

It’s true: going gay is the life jacket to Hollywood careers. It does what no publicist, Oscar nomination or incarceration could ever manage. It’s more powerful than a nipple slip, more potent than an ill-fitting stage ensemble, and more memorable than general douche-baggery. It’s the key to going from child-star-turned-Vegan-farmer to Reality TV Show host with endorsement deals and magazine covers to boot.

And keeping that in mind, I’m surprised Heidi Montag hasn’t gotten a girlfriend yet there are a few suspect D-Listers out there who might want to consider throwing open the doors of the closet they’ve been hiding in. We haven’t seen or heard much from these peeps in awhile, but that’s nothing that an “I’m Gay” won’t fix. You can thank us later, Hollywood.

Jonathon Taylor Thomas: Those frosted tips? That boyish smile? Don’t tell me you never thought about it. OK, so you probably didn’t want to think about his sexual orientation lest all your dreams of becoming Mrs. TT would be crushed, but it’s totally possible. And embracing it is just what JTT needs to make it big once again. Home boy hasn’t seen fame since 2005 (and it was in Veronica Mars, so that doesn’t even count), but saying those three words could take America’s favorite ’90s boy toy from total obscurity to the cover of every magazine once again.

Macaulay Culkin: The last time Macaulay Culkin received an MTV Movie Award (which is true celebredom, obvs) was in 1993.  He even received “Best Kiss” for My Girl in 1991.  Wanna get back to those child-star days, Mac? Come out in People Magazine and then follow it up with a super saucy My Girl spin-off for LOGOonline. Boom. Famous.

Tara Reid: I think I recently saw a shriveled up, pruney version of once-sex kitten Tara Reid on a gossip magazine a year ago. And she was wearing a belly chain. Her last seven flicks have gone straight to DVD and the last time she starred in a semi-good movie was back in the dark ages of 2003 with My Boss’s Daughter (and the movie was only good because Ashton Kutcher co-starred). Tara clearly hasn’t had much luck with the boys, so maybe it’s time she take a different path (Hey, it worked for Anne Heche, right?). My advice to you, Ms. Reid, is to find yourself a woman who can treat you right, then do an oh-so-sexy spread with the lucky lady in Curve Magazine. You’ll be raking in the dough in no time.

Joey Lawrence: Joey’s first mistake came from shaving off those thick tresses. Seriously, I thought he was hiding a secret up there and I loved it. His new bald head hasn’t done much worth noting since 2009′s movie-I’ve-never-heard of, Killer Pad. Lawrence has the classic washed up actor resume, starting with the early-’90s sitcom and ending with a stint on Dancing With The Stars in 2006.  Come on, Joey Lawrence; wake up and smell the glitz and glitter.  One quick gay dancing DVD (in full-on spandex) and a guest hosting gig on The View, and it you’ll never have to do another Lifetime movie again.

Nothing can turn a confident girl into a insecure mess faster than bathing suit season. Suddenly every mirror you look into turns into a fun house mirror of horrors. When did your stomach get so flabby and when did your skin turn translucent?

But don’t throw on your beach burqa quite yet. No matter how bad you think you look in that bikini (and it’s all in your head, obvi), these celebrities look a thousand times worse. Yes, even the sexiest of the sexy fall victim to the bikini.

[Click thumbnails to see the full hot mess image.]

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There are a lot of celebrities out there that simply disappear, whether it be voluntarily or due to lack of talent/rehab/Bermuda triangle.  There are a couple that have massive amounts of issues, yet refuse to disappear.  In fact, they seem to pop up everywhere, strutting around uninvited on every red carpet.  People like Bai Ling and Paris Hilton are prime examples.

More recently, we have Mischa Barton.  I gotta admit, I really do enjoy watching a mediocre TV actress fall from grace (and she fell hard!).  Oh, speaking of mediocre actresses, I think I heard the other day that Tara Reid has teamed up with the douchebag powerhouse that is Christian Audigier to design some piece of crap that I’ll certainly see all around campus.  Yay.

In light of that wonderful piece of news, I think it’s time to pair up a couple of the most washed up faces in Hollywood:  Mischa Barton and Tara Reid.

Acting
Mischa Barton was never a steller actress, let’s not lie.  She peaked in The Sixth Sense as the creepy ghost girl who barfed a lot.  The OC was a shambles, especially when she became a drug addict or whatever and then died randomly in the third season.  Has anyone seen Mischa in anything since then?  Not unless you caught one of her straight-to-DVD releases.  Yeesh.

Tara Reid is not a great actress by any means.  I did enjoy her run in American Pie (1 and 2) and the episodes of Scrubs that she appeared in were hilarious.  However, whenever I watch her in anything else, all that comes to mind is the word “sticky.”  She just looks sticky and sweaty and drunk at all times…probably because she’s always at least one of those things (I’m voting for drunk).  See: Taradise.

Point: Mischa Barton. In the realm of acting, Mischa Barton is a fail.  At least Tara Reid’s slew of vapid, slutty characters are entertaining.

Fashion
Mischa Barton wears some pretty awesome stuff.  I’ve actually opened up the style section of a magazine and seen her there (the good part of the style section, not the losers section).  She takes chances and it pays off.  Not always, though…we’ve had some pretty awful situations involving vintage items, mini dresses and feathers.  Her foray into headbands has also gotten pretty interesting…

Tara Reid has no style.  Her “style,” as it were, consists of crop tops, glittery things, and denim mini skirts.  I certainly won’t be forgetting the exposed boob incident for a while.  She also seems to be anti-bra, even after her boob job.

Point: Tara Reid. It’s no contest, really.

(Un)classiness
Mischa Barton has been pretty unclassy lately, what with her boozin’ and partyin’.  At least she checked into rehab (finally!) after one too many shots of her looking like a certifiably crazy person with a really puffy face.  Oh, and let’s not forget her 2007 arrest for drunk driving (without a license).  Classy, girl.

Tara Reid just oozes class skankiness.  That girl is an a bikini 90% of the time, swigging something from a bottle (but not eating…never eating).  She’s done her time in rehab, but her reputation as a boozehound isn’t leaving her anytime soon.  See again: Taradise.

Point: Tara Reid. Not classy.  Anti-classy.

Love Life
Mischa Barton dates musicians.  Seriously – if you’re in an indie rock band and are based somewhere in the UK, you probably have a pretty good chance of getting with Mischa Barton (lucky you).  That is, when she gets out of rehab.

Tara Reid has dated every football player ever (only a slight exaggeration) and a generous sprinkling of other men have decorated her arm over the years.  I guess guys really do go for those party-girl types.  I’m gonna go get my drink on and test this theory out…

Point: Tara Reid. Maybe if she worked more and spent less time romping around random beaches she’d be less of a whore.  Maybe.

Gossip Presence
Mischa Barton has been huge in the gossip columns lately: is she suicidal? Will she still have a role on the new CW show after her stint in rehab?  Where is she getting all of these headbands?  Very important stuff.

Tara Reid really isn’t doing much of anything and it shows:  she isn’t in any gossip column.  When she does appear, it’s mostly following comments that are surprised to find she still exists (but not at all surprised that she’s sloppy and drunk and…sticky).

Point: Mischa Barton. She is definitely being talked about, what with this whole rehab/new TV show thing going on.  Tara…only wishes she had something newsworthy about her.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Tara Reid. Just bow out peacefully and go seclude yourself on some beach so you don’t accidentally brush up against anyone and rub off your fake tan/greasiness.

But nowadays, it seems like any celeb with some cash and spare time on their hands can slap a few pieces together and call it a collection. And while some lines knock it out of the park (why hello there, L.A.M.B.!), a vast majority fall more in the category of utter hot mess. Below is a sampling of the messiest of the hot messes.

5) The Kardashians: DASH – Oh, Kardashians. Kim becomes famous (?) by hanging out with Paris, nailing Ray J on tape, and having a mega huge ass, and the rest of the family rides on the coattails of her, um, success. Taking this into consideration, I suppose the Kardashian sisters’ line DASH makes sense; tacky, trashy, cookie-cutter and distinctly substandard, DASH looks very much like the $4.99 rack at Forever 21, only the items cost anywhere from 11 to 250 times as much. But I heard that every item is sprinkled with magical butt-expanding powder, so maybe that’s where the mark-up comes in.

4) Travis Barker: Famous Stars and Straps – I don’t like ghetto style. Baby Phat, Ed Hardy, gold tribal embellishments on jeans, air-brush aesthetics, ew. No thank you. But while a line may not suit my tastes personally, I’ll still give it props for being good for what it is (insert a nod to Apple Bottoms). Unfortunately, Travis Barker’s Famous Stars and Straps has the double issue of going for an aesthetic that is inherently fug and is badly done. From an uninspired/outdated logo that’s plastered on EVERYTHING to graphics that scream seventh grade, Famous is the clothing equivalent of the suburbs: generic, boring, and painfully white trying to front like it’s fly.

3) Beyonce: House of Dereon – I remember the first time the truly horrendous designs of the House of Dereon were brought to my attention. Destiny’s Child was still together and the ladies were walking the red carpet at some event, all of them wearing matching green and gold gowns that barely looked classy enough to be worn at the Adult Movie Awards. “Damn,” I thought, “What designer conned them in to wearing those hideous get ups?” Answer: Beyonce’s mom. Since then, Tina Knowles, with the help of her daughter Ms. Fierce, have created season after season of high-end frocks and streetwear that seem to be based on the idea that anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Belts, sequins, ruffles, florals, leopard prints, seams, studs, pockets, buckles, zippers, fur; these ladies rock it all… to the point where pieces look like an explosion at the Jo-Anne Fabrics store. An ugly explosion. An ugly expensive explosion. Boo.

2) Elizabeth Hurley: Beach – So now you know – Elizabeth Hurley makes clothes. But, uh, you’re not missing out on much. Hurley’s resort wear line Beach is pretty much a carbon copy of every Newport News catalog since 1998; we’re talking dumpy Indian-inspired Mandarin-collared kaftans, terry cloth hoodies, a-line polka dot dresses with fringy dangly ball trim…you know, sh*t your mom would wear at the beach over her ruffle-skirted bathing suit. However, as Elizabeth Hurley is one of the hottest people on the planet and is married to a multi-millionaire Indian prince or something, I’m guessing something as trivial as a god-f**king-awful clothing line won’t really set her back much.

1) Tara Reid: Mantra – Candy-bright colors, synthetic fabrics, those plastic Rose Art beads you used to make necklaces out of when you were a kid, and Tara Reid. That pretty much covers it.

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OhNoTheyDidn’t is buzzing with the news that former boy band member (and low-rent Justin Timberlake) JC Chasez and still boy band-er AJ McLean have written a song together!

Called “Treat Me Right”, the tune is what AJ is pulling for as BSB’s second single off their new album.

The tragic (or not…) part is, nobody has word on whether or not it’s even going to appear on the disc.

Here’s the thing. Remember when JC thought he could put out an album? Remember when he thought it was socially acceptable to be within 50 feet of Tara Reid? Remember?

Back in the day, I was an NSYNC kinda gal, so, it pains me to say this, but, it must be said:

I really hope AJ took the reins on this one.

He did rehab before it was cool. He had that cool performance alias–kind of like Garth Brooks, but way cooler. Plus, if i had to choose anyone from the Backstreet Boys to co-sign for, it’s definitely be AJ.

To be honest, I’m more into the idea of Man Band than boybands these days…but hell, when this song comes out I’ll definitely put in a listen.