Don’t get me wrong; I love Tough Love. Well, the show. I’m not quite sure I could handle someone pointing out my major flaws on national television (though I did attempt to audition for the next season…). Anyways, I think Steve Ward is great and knows his sh*t (and looks great in a pair of jeans) and really helped those women learn how to love themselves and be loved.

But don’t you think dating would be so much easier if we could all get some video feedback from the guys that we like? Wouldn’t it be magical if we didn’t have to spend hours decoding the emails/texts from the boys to figure out what they really mean? Maybe the fact that all those wonderful relationships blossomed in this fantasy land where the women knew exactly what their guys were thinking contributed to the fact that not one of them worked out in the real world…

But let’s take a step back and talk about the season finale!

There are only 6 girls left in boot camp and Steve decides to send them on overnight getaways. With boys. And they have to invite them. Most girls know who they are going to invite, but our drunk friend Natasha has no one to call. I thought for a moment that maybe she would luck out and get to take Steve on an overnight romantic getaway, but no – he set her up with someone else.

Taylor decided not to take the trip at all and to leave boot camp with a new love: herself. Awwww. Hopefully all that self love will translate into a new wardrobe that doesn’t consist of leopard dresses or turquoise bedazzled stilettos. What? I think I would love myself more if I wasn’t dressed like a tranny…

The rest of the girls take off on their adventures. All of the trips were super romantic, which left me feeling very uncomfortable watching. There were so many intimate moments that should be left to the lovebirds and the lovebirds only – like Abiola’s foot massage and Jessa’s hot tub experience – and I felt like a guy with a mustache and a white van peeping in through the window.

Or when Jody and Shane started making out on the strip and she basically ate his face. Awk.

When the girls finish their dream dates, they return to the mansion to say their goodbyes to Steve-o. He puts them all in the hot seat to talk about their experiences, but he did do a little grillin’ with Jacklyn and her love triangle. Now, I’ll never understand Jacklyn. I’ll never get why guys like such a moron, why she lines her eyes like that, or why she would ever (ever, ever, ever) choose anyone over Brock. Did you see that bangin’ body?

Steve tried to get her to choose the right guy and she made a pretty good case for herself that she would, but homegirl gets off the plane and takes the ring from her scrawny Southern ex. And loses Brock. She learned nothing from Steve and really was only obsessed with getting married – even to someone who said such hurtful things to her. I don’t know why she spent the entire dinner party last week explaining to her ex why he wasn’t right for her only to go back to him, but it doesn’t matter now. She made a crappy decision, and now Brock is out there for the taking.

Along with the rest of the Boot Camp Boys. Not one of those relationships panned out which means only one thing. No, not that Steve’s approach doesn’t work. It means that a trip to L.A. is in order.

I don’t really need Steve’s Tough Love; I just need all those leftovers.

I think last night might have been the best episode of Tough Love yet. In fact, I’m ready to say it might be some of the best TV I’ve seen since Bromance (but then again, I clearly have no standards). Watching that episode sent me on a roller coaster of emotion and since the shades on my window were open and the people across the street can see into my place, they would have seen this:

Me laughing.
Me staring at the screen in shock.
Me laughing really loud (this is probably when Taylor was talking; that bitch is funny).
Me eating snacks.
Me plucking my eyebrows during the commercials.
Me picking my jaw up off the floor.
Me screaming at the TV.

Steve’s idea to bring the girls’ past and present together into one seriously awkward dinner party was deliciously brilliant. Of course, I wouldn’t have wanted to be a part of that, but it was pretty awesome to watch. Especially a few select ladies:

Natasha: I always found this girl to be incredibly boring. She was what I like to refer to as “tofu,” because she has no flavor of her own and only picks up the flavors around her. Last night, though, I learned that the girl has some major flava…and she probably tastes like whiskey.

Natasha did what any shy, uncomfortable girl would do when she’s faced with her immature Indian ex boyfriend and a perfectly nice pretty boy in one place: she hit the bar. Hard. And then she not only embarrassed herself, but she called the guy a d-bag on national television. I felt for her – we’ve all dealt with awkward situations by getting completely sh*t-faced – but watching her left me feeling so uncomfortable. Sorta like watching Meet The Parents. Or a train-wreck.

Jacklyn: So her Texas ex and her California stud muffin are in the same place. And then Jodi gets involved and starts trying to “fix” things. Awkward? Yes. Do I feel bad? I’ll put it this way: No.

That girl gets to make out in a hot tub with the hottest guy ever and I get to sit home alone on Sunday nights with a bowl of granola and a cup of tea living vicariously through her. I feel bad for me. And I want a Brock of my very own.

Arian: There is so much to say about Arian last night that I really don’t know where to start. Birth would probably be a good place, considering the mother that she comes from. Now, I totally understand a mother siding with her daughter (even when she gets totally wrong information), but calling my boyfriend someone a tool as an adult woman is just despicable. And then laughing about your daughter being a total whore and explaining it as “she’s just like me, she just takes it one step further” totally explains that unstable, insecure and promiscuous daughter you’ve produced.

After watching Arian break down about getting in the hot seat and then throwing her suitcases down the stairs, I’m a little worried about Steve’s safety. Homeboy needs some serious protection (and I’d be happy to assist). But now she’s gone…and probably humping every guy in L.A., so Steve is free to give his attention to drunk Natasha, annoying Jessa, and the rest of the ladies of the house.

So much drama. So much amazingness.
And when did Taylor get so damn lovable? I think I might want her as my new BFF (no offense to my current BFF)!

In an effort to show the ladies of the house that there are some things they do that are just not OK to share (or to take part in at all), Steve set up a game show where he shared the girls’ secrets and asked guys what they thought. Turns out letting your cats choose your BF is weird (no way!), but having a giant tattoo around your vagina is not (huh?).

Now, I get the purpose behind this test, and I agree with the guys for the most part (wearing a tiara in your apartment is indeed weird), but did you see the type of dude making up that audience? It looked like Steve Ward hijacked an L.A. Ink tour bus and dumped them in the “Cute or Crazy” studio. What do these guys really know about women?

After getting torn apart by a group of burly men, the women were set up on dates and given another test: to share a secret. Well, everyone but Jessa, who ended up on a date with Steve (that lucky bitch) strapped to a lie detector test. And, well, I guess she shared a secret, too: that she doesn’t like Steve.

WHAT?!

How can you not like Steve? Because he is calling out all your flaws? Because he sees your issues and wants to bring them out? Because his eyes are so beautiful that they are like deep oceans through which you can see his soul? Because he looks so hot in a suit and tie!?!

WTF is your problem, Jessa? And if you don’t like Steve, then pack up and head home. Make some room for someone who actually wants to be there. I know I wouldn’t mind a little tough love, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Whoa. Sorry about the tangent. Moving on…

As usual, the show ends with group therapy where Steve picked out the best and worst performers of the week. Taylor gets the nod from Steve for acting really mature on her date and not totally walking out on him because he didn’t drive a Maybach. Abiola gets the slap on the wrist for being too picky, but we learn that she’s not picky because she wants perfection – she’s picky because she just wants a reason to push someone away before they push her away.

Can I get an “awwww”? Seriously, how many of us do the same thing? I turned down a guy once because he watched Fox News. Or because he was really effing hot and I thought he’d reject me the minute he saw me out of a dark, smokey bar. I needed a reason to dump him before he could dump me. Now look at me – I spent my Saturday night watching High School Musical. Alone. And crying. The fact it, I totally see a little bit of myself in Abiola (and that is not the part that wears one giant earring/has cats) and I do believe that watching her work with Steve will help me deal with my own issues.

Like the fact that I won’t date a guy who wears Doc Martins…or khakis…or really short finger nails. Ew. I just threw up a little bit.

I really need Steve’s help.
(Call me!)

After last week’s Tough Love ended with a “To Be Continued….” I was counting down the days until I’d get to see it again. So I was mega-excited when I turned on VH1 at the gym yesterday and caught a secret premier of the ep long before its 10 P.M. showtime.

I watched the drama unfold a full 11 hours early and stayed on the elliptical an extra 30 minutes to catch the end. Cha ching!

I realized (after watching the show on a TV that other people could see by simply walking behind me) that this show is ridiculous and sorta trashy, but I am really obsessed with it. And is it so bad to learn a thing or two from a reality show? I’m still single – maybe Steve can clue me in as to why!

Anyways, here’s what happened. Well, at least the important stuff:

First, Jody’s man comes over and proves that all it takes is a box of sweets and a few flowers to get back into the good graces of a woman. Especially a woman who, according to society, is too old to be single. Do I think they are a cute couple? Sure? Do I think that Jody should have forgiven him? Sure? But were cupcakes the way to go? Hmmm…how about diamonds?

Then there is Stasha and her big secret: she’s in love with someone else…and it’s that dude from American Idol. Um, seriously? I’m sure he’s a great guy, but did anyone ever think there was more than one dude out there with that haircut? The likeness is uncanny..and that beast of a woman is totally gonna chew that guy (tattoos and black nail polish and all) up and spit him out.

Taylor proves once again that she’s a gold digger when she goes for the old rich guy at the weekly singles event instead of the super hot athlete Steve matched her up with. Hottie Steve has a lot of teaching to do with that one, but perhaps I could teach her one very important lesson: big hoop earrings and a sparkly headband to not mix. Also, less is more, homegirl, so lay off the eyeliner.

Finally, and most trashily, we have Arian. As you probably remember from the 76 flashbacks from last week, Steve told her to stop being slutty or she may end up in some serious trouble. She broke a bunch of stuff and threatened to storm out, but she didn’t get very far. So, Steve and his mom sat down with Arian (and her giant breasts) and had a love-tervention. (That’s a love intervention…I really like putting words together: mantuation = man situation, frani = french manicure…)

"I don't like myself, so I buy shirts that won't button over my boobs."

Arian really seemed open to what these love experts had to say (which was, in a nutshell, stop being such a whore), but that went out the window as soon as she was around a guy again. The girl basically effed him on the pool table, in the hot tub, and then again in her bed. It’s obvious and sad that she doesn’t think anyone would like her for anything but her abilities in the bedroom, but I’m beginning to think maybe that’s all she has to offer anyway.

I think Steve has the mad skillz to find a guy for all of these girls (I mean, he even found someone for boring Natasha)…I just wonder if he’ll be able to do it for little Miss Slutty.

What do you think?