Ho.ly Sh*t

Today, I was walking across campus on the way to my last class before Spring Break (CABO, HERE I COME!) and I had a HOLY SH*T moment. You know, one of those defining moments when reality slaps you hard across the face prompting you to stop dead in your tracks and scream HOLY SH*T.

Well, today reality slapped me with the inevitable fact that I am graduating from college in three months. Three short, tiny, baby-like months.

After having a minor panic attack, I started to think about what this really means to me and probably to all seniors out there. As cliché as it sounds, this really is the beginning of the end. Unless you’re sticking around for an extra semester (aka: for one more football season), college is practically over.

This is the end (or slow decline, I should say) of all things that aren’t socially acceptable outside in the real world: keg stands, aggressive day drinking, an affinity for theme parties, fast metabolisms, sleeping till noon, and – occasionally the college staple – the walk of shame (or the stride of pride, depending on how you look at it). Read More »

I’ve learned a lot about myself in these months since I’ve graduated. Most importantly I’ve learned that I have severe and occasionally life-threatening problem with jealously. I like my friends, some more than others, and I want them to do well. However I don’t want them to do well until I’m doing well. That’s fair, right?

It takes enormous amounts of effort for me to congratulate a friend upon hearing they got a job. Literally, I have to type one letter at a time while I suffer from a self-induced panic attack. I practically have to have Xanax on hand 24/7 in case I get one of those excited voice mails (I no longer answer the phone, too risky having to fake enthusiasm) telling me that someone got offered a job. Read More »

I’m not really sure who these anchor people are (or what this “network” is), but it’s the only video I could find that showed the story of one middle school teacher who got drunk and did a little naughty dance with her students. And clearly it had to be shared.

At least they stopped her before she handed out bottles of water and tried to hold a wet blouse contest.

And this is why I won’t become a teacher. It’s one of the few jobs where you can’t drink in the morning.

What do you mean it’s too late to drop a class? I forgot I was even enrolled!

If that’s part of the conversation you’re having with the registrar this far into the semester, you might be in trouble. But never fear. It’s not over until the fat lady sings…or the TA enters the grades. If you’ve over-slacked it this semester, there still might be a way to save your grade.

1. Talk to Your Teacher.

This is by far the most important rule of grade-saving. Talk to your professor. Apologize profusely. Throw yourself at his or her feet and explain why you suck at whatever subject they teach. As a former TA, I can attest that I was far more willing to help kids who actually came to office hours to ask for help than the ones who fell off the face of the earth, only to reappear during finals (or, in one case, after I’d left for the semester) and expect another chance. Read More »

I’ve been attending a yoga class at the gym. I joined it so I could learn to get in touch with myself and relax and destress after a long day. I’m not really sure when I got out of touch with myself, but it sounds very zen and enlightened to say things like, “I just want to back in touch with myself.” And when people ask me if I like it, I just nod and tell them it’s nice to get back in touch with myself.

They look at me with jealousy because everyone would like to be in touch with themselves.

I’ve learned a lot since getting in touch with myself. Like I’ve learned that I lack flexibility. So instead of becoming destressed and relaxed I’ve become very stressed and unrelaxed. If I had never signed up for Yoga, I never would have learned that I’m incapable of doing a simple Downward Dog, nor would I know that my body refuses to do an appropriate Serpent.

I can’t even think about the failure that was Praying Possum.

My yoga teacher often comes up behind me, presses on various parts of my body, and says things like, “tell your calf muscle it’s safe and it’s ok to relax,” as if talking to my calf muscle will suddenly let me place it behind my ear. I mean, I definitely tried while the whole class looked on waiting to see how well I could communicate safety to my calf muscle. I haven’t been that embarrassed in front of a class since I confused organism with orgasm in 6th grade. Read More »

The country is getting ready for a terrible recession. Banks are folding and getting bailed out by loans from the FED (which has federal in the name but is private). Scientists are trying to rip open space and time using the Large Hadron Collider. Someone like Sarah Palin is officially close to being involved in a presidency.

The signs are there: the world is going to end. And while I’m sure no one can get a godd*mn job right now (lord knows I can’t), we can at least look forward to the post apocalyptic job market that’ll present itself once the gaping maw of darkness spreads wide, and evil once again walks our planet.

Here are some jobs you may want to start building a resume for. Read More »

By my senior year of college, I could fly through my assignments and earn A’s on half-assed work. I could effectively balance bar-hopping and writing essays, and working part-time jobs and cramming for midterms. I knew that grad school would kick it up a notch, and I was ready for the challenge. However, I had forgotten what it felt like to try and not succeed, and I wasn’t quite as prepared for my self-esteem to take a beating.

I admit to not putting 100% into my academic efforts in college, but that was because I didn’t need to. I was writing papers with a buzz on and taking finals hungover, and still made Dean’s List. I knew that grad school would be different though, and I fully intended on being a legitimate scholar.

If you are considering grad school, you are probably doing very well in school. By senior year, you’re probably breaking the curves and tutoring your friends. You probably stand out in class for having thoughtful ideas and a firm grasp of the subject matter. Newsflash: Everyone in Grad School has gotten used to being a star scholar.

Often, PhD students and MA students will be mixed into classes together. I went from taking Shakespeare classes with business majors who didn’t know the definition of “iambic pentameter” to listening to a PhD debate over which folio edition was most likely the Bard’s original manuscript. WTF? My thoughts exactly. Read More »

People do a lot of things to prove their love for their favorite sports team. They paint their faces blue. They write letters on their stomaches and then flash the jumbotron at half time — in the middle of winter. They beat up other people who don’t feel the same about their favorite sports team. When it comes to dedication, sports fans truly understand the meaning of the word.

But I think this is taking dedication too far.

A 37-year-old Alabama middle-school teacher is being accused of sleeping with 8 members of her middle school’s baseball team. 8 members. All under the age of 17 years old.

Julie Pritchett was apparently already having an affair with one 15 year old boy on the team when she woke up and decided that one little boy wasn’t enough. She wanted 7 more! Because who isn’t into having their own little coven of teenage boys? It’s like Snow White! Except instead of dwarfs and singing animals, you get a possible 20 year jail sentence for being a sexual predator! Yay! Read More »

Sooo, the other day a teacher got in some mild trouble for burning crosses on his students’ arms. Just another day in the American public school system.

No, but really, this happened. Apparently, a science teacher in Ohio had a high frequency generator, which he used to burn the image of a cross into the arms of several students.

The article (and the other articles I’ve read on the topic) goes on to say that this teacher failed to comply with various separation of church and state things; for instance, he taught creationism, and according to another article, he displayed the Ten Commandments and gave out free bibles.

And all that sucks and is ridiculous, but, um, more importantly, HE BURNED HIS STUDENTS! Is anyone else finding that very odd? The article says the burn mark (which happened to be a cross, but, frankly, I don’t even know if that matters) lasted for three to four weeks. That’s some burn, man. Shouldn’t this man be booked for assault? Read More »

When I was in high school I made my teacher cry. It wasn’t my fault she was in her first year of teaching and couldn’t keep her sh*t together. It’s not like I spit at her or called her names; I simply disagreed with her argument that Cyrano de Bergerac was the best book ever written. And it was a Literary Criticism course! If you can’t handle a difference of opinion, then maybe you should consider teaching Kindergarten.

Had I known then that I could have been sued for such a disagreement, I probably would have thrown independent thought out the window and nodded my head in agreement like the rest of the class.

Thankfully, my teacher just excused herself to cry alone in the bathroom, unlike one Dartmouth lecturer who took it to a much more serious level: by seeking legal counsel.

I actually got my degree in education, so I can say from experience that teaching is a very difficult and thankless profession. You spend 16-18 hours a day either with the students, preparing for the students, or grading their crappy work. Then you come into the classroom where they are disrespectful and often times annoying. It is a job that drives you to drink countless glasses of wine and wonder why you ever wanted to do it in the first place. (Note: It is also incredibly rewarding!)

But, that is all part of the job and something you surely expect getting into a profession that deals with ungrateful children. (Don’t hate; you know you made your teachers’ lives hell back in the day.) Surely this woman cannot be naïve enough to think that Dartmouth kids would be any different? Read More »