Granted, I’ve always been way ahead of the social learning curve but I think most of us would agree.  Forget leaving your twenties behind, I think those awkward early teen years are the ones I’d sooner like to leave in the dust.  Seriously.  Do you remember…

Having not-so-great fashion sense.
I remember being a freshman in high school and wearing an Abercrombie tee for gym class that said “Nighttime Full-Contact Football” across my boobs in sparkly letters.  And I believe I paired that stellar top with some white running shorts and those Adidas sneakers everyone had.  Except mine were gold.  Now tell me, who let me walk out of the locker room looking like such a horrendous mess?

Bad hair.
Maybe you were the brunette who tried Sun-In and ended up looking like Carrot Top.  Maybe you thought pink highlights were a good statement to make. Maybe you didn’t know what a flat iron was. Or were you like me and experimented briefly (but on multiple occasions) with bangs?  And I’m not talking about the cool side-sweepy ones.

Dating idiot guys because they were cool.
You learned to interpret their various grunts because words just escaped these beautiful creatures.  The epitome of high school dating success was having the hunky captain of a major sports team (aka basically any of the teams except golf club) walk you to class.  It didn’t matter if he was a senior taking freshman English for the fourth time or if his drink of choice was Peppermint Schnapps stolen from his parents’ liquor cabinet.  You were in L.U.V.

Braces.  Acne.  Glasses.
The nerd trifecta.  Chances are you had at least one.  If you suffered through all three, then I’m super proud you made it out alive.  You must have had an excellent psychiatrist.

“Dad, can I get a ride?”
Unless you lived in the deep South where they practically hand you a diver’s license along with your birth certificate, chances are you were bumming rides from the ‘rents 24/7.  What’s cooler than getting picked up from a party in a Volvo station wagon driven by a 45 year-old-man in his pajamas?  Pretty much anything.

What do you miss least about your teen years?

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen.

So, on the Yale train, Dan gets in, Serena gets in, Blair gets waitlisted, and Ms. Carr threatens to destroy B’s GPA by not inflating grades.  Which obviously infuriates Blair.  And because S. apparently has a girl-crush on “Rachel,” (who calls high school teachers by their first names?), she declines Yale so B. can take her spot.

Of course, Blair can’t let it rest, so she instigates a plan to hurt Rachel’s feelings, only to find out that Rachel put in a good word for her at school.  Though she does try to fix it, Rachel’s pissed, and calls the headmistress to report Blair, putting the Queen Bee in detention.  For real. This can’t be good.

And then we get to the yelling-at-the-tv-thing.  Lily and Bart were planning on adopting each others’ kids to be a “real family.” And Bart signed the papers before he died.  So, Lily’s signature will make her Chuck’s guardian and thwart Jack’s douchey plans.  SERIOUSLY. AWESOME. When that happened, I looked at the clock: 8:45.  And I knew there was still 15 minutes of major dramz to come.

Obviously pissed off, the crazy Jack tries to rape Lily in the bathroom of the opera.  That’s a Lifetime Original Movie all in itself.   Chuck interrupts, punches Jack in the face, and tells Lily, “This doesn’t mean we’re family.  Just even.” GOD I love you, CB.

At the close of the episode, Ms. Carr runs into Dan in Brooklyn for a cappucino.  The fact that she was in Teach for America, and hot, and obviously written into the GG script to create tension makes me bet on a tumultuous Pacey-Witter-inspired affair bewteen Ms. Carr and Dan.  Can’t wait for that.  But be careful, Rachel, because Blair has officially waged war on you.  And a slip up such as Dan Humphrey could make it oh-so-easy.

Last night’s GG episode was pretty freaking juicy. Within the first 30-seconds, we knew what party (the Senior Snowball) would be the scene of all of the cut-throat drama, and the snowball just kept rolling from there.Here’s the rundown (of the first 5 minutes):

Blair doesn’t know who to bring the Snowball, Serena meets Aaron’s ex-slash-Dan’s-instant-Snowball-date (who wants to bang Dan… go figure), and Vanessa is acting shady… could it be because after stealing Nate’s letter to Jenny, she’s been creeping with Sexkitten Archibald? After that spiel to Jenny about friendship coming first? Oh, snap. You know Gossip Girl is going to spill that news.

In other news, one of Blair’s cliquesters, Penelope, gets a lot of screen time in this ep, as she commissions the out-of-work Jenny to make her dress for the Snowball. Penelope, I know you and Jenny aren’t friends, but you should take the stick out of your a** before asking someone to do you a last minute favor. Just saying. (Editor’s Note: And didn’t Jenny get back at Penelope by designing the ugliest dress of all time? Seriously? That sh*t was nasty.)

After GG publicizes a smooch between V and Nate, Penelope serves as a driving force behind J’s revenge scheme…because, after all, “Vanessa shouldn’t be fishing in ‘her’ pond.” Apparently Penelope didn’t get the message that Nate is over the Rich Clique, after being on Blair’s tight leash since pre-school. Also, she kinda sucks.

Though Jenny and Vanessa deserve credit for their brief catfight, Blair and Chuck steal the show (yet again) when they make a bet and agree to find each other dates to Snowball. If Blair wins, she gets access to Chuck’s limo for a month. If Chuck wins, he gets Blair’s maid. Wasn’t slavery abolished a few hundred years ago? Not in Waldorf world? Okay, just checking.

The Snowball finally arrives, and Blair and Chuck have set each other up with the most Chuck- and Blair-esque kids in school, respectively. How ironic when their pawns end up falling for each other? Vanessa dons a see-through dress to the ball, courtesy of Jenny Humphrey’s bitchy side. And, just as planned, the whole school sees right through it. And the world ends.

Seriously? I don’t think that’s that bad– I mean, for one, it’s not like Vanessa decided to skip the skivvies, and she happens to have a hot bod. How is barely a semi-flash to the school comparable to a Janet Jackson experience? Was there a nipple slip that I missed while spooning the last of my ice cream out of the carton?

So, Vanessa cries, and Nate is disappointed in Jenny. Vanessa and Nate get a couple of heartfelt monologues, fueled by plenty of tears, and sealed with an almost sexy smooch (there was dripping snot/tears, which sorta ruined things for me).

Meanwhile, Chuck asks Blair to dance:

“What’s the point, Chuck? We’re never going to be them.”

“I don’t want to lose what we have.”

“What do we have, Chuck? Tell me.”

“Tonight.”

Now that is the shizz GG is made of. Where were the Chucks of the world when I was in high school?

Also getting their moment of sap, Dan and Serena have a sex talk about moving on from their long-dissolved relationship. Just in case anyone out there actually cares about Dan’s pathetic sex life. Yawn.

Can we get back to Chuck? After Lily confesses to Rufus that she’s going to divorce Bart, Chuck has yet another moment when he tells Lily that she was good for the family, and that he always liked her, no matter how she acted.

Speaking of Bart: just as someone was rumored to die tonight, Lily gets a phone call. Mr. Bass has been in an accident. And we won’t find out what happens for another whole week. But when we do, it’s gonna be even juicier.

I have a confession. When Joey Potter chose Pacey Witter over Dawson Leary, I was pissed. I mean, the show was “Dawson’s Creek,” not “Pacey’s Creek.”

That said, Gossip Girl seems to be taking a similar turn this season, as the supporting characters are totally stealing the spotlight. How ironic, considering that last night’s episode was all about Blair’s insecurity and the dark shadow that Serena casts on her. Let’s just get right down to business and discuss.

This week’s GG lesson? Your whole life is fulfilled when your photo appears in US Weekly, apparently. And if you aren’t photographed by the paparazzi at the age of sixteen, apparently all of your conniving plans to take charge of your mom’s fashion show and upstage your (former) bff will blow up in your face and bring great success to everyone else.

Blair is running on a very short fuse. But in this episode, you gotta feel for the poor girl. Let’s revisit:

-B. gets her friends 2nd row seats to the fashion show.

-S. appears in a trashy gossip mag.

-Little J. suggests putting S. and her new socialite friend, Poppy, in the front row, thwarting the childhood tradition of B. and S. helping backstage at the show.

-B. has a nervous breakdown with the maid, then discovers that Jenny has been skipping school, and decides to ruin J’s life to feel better about herself.

-At Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show, B. tries to take the reins, only to have Little J. stand up to her. And win. Even Eleanor take’s Jenny’s side. Ouch. Your own mother choosing the social outcast over you must really sting.

-B. tries to get even, without considering that such antics as dismissing all of the models might ruin her mother’s show. Little J. suggests replacing the models with Serena and Poppy, which further infuriates B.

-Finally, B. switches Serena’s dress, replacing her mother’s design with a Little J. original. Still, everyone but Blair comes out on top when the dress is a smash.

See what I mean? No matter what, Blair just can’t win. And, despite informing Rufus that she’s dropping out of school, it looks like Jenny has a glimmer of hope in the fashion world (which she will undoubtedly screw up in a future episode). After J. sympathizes with B. (we both have to work for everything, blah blah blah, that’s why I wanted to be your friend), Blair tries to reconcile with Serena, only to have Serena brush her off to go do rich socialite things with Poppy.

In other supporting character news, Dan makes a feeble attempt to experience the life of Chuck Bass, which leads to tequila shots, street drugs, and Dan being left on the street with no wallet and no shoes. This is all in the name of inspiring Dan’s next novel. Because that makes perfect sense. Dan’s mentor tells him that the “Chuck” character in Dan’s manuscript is way more exciting than the “Dan” character (sorry, Lonely Boy, it’s true), so Dan tries to crack the vault that is Chuck Bass.

What do we learn? Chuck craves attention from his dad, who may or may not resent him due to the fact that the original Mrs. Bass may or may not have died giving birth to Chuck. After Chuck tries to purchase a prostitute that’s really just a scantily clad lass, Dan gets socked by an angry boyfriend, and the two boys land in the slammer. Which is the perfect opportunity for the cops to give Chuck Dan’s belongings (because that’s what happens when you go to jail, you accidentally get someone else’s sh*t when you leave), and Chuck realizes he was a case study. I can’t wait to see where this one goes.

While the supporting storylines of Blair and Chuck are totally giving us the most dramz, the old-people subplots are still somewhat ho-hum. Lily has a big secret, which her new husband, Bart Bass, discovered when he did a PI background check on her. Do I really care? Not really. And Rufus is trying to play the father, but Jenny’s not having it. Meh. I’m over it.

GG did leave us with a nice little quote, which not only applies to the power-struggle between television’s best queen bees, but also says something about the fact that Leighton Meester is currently stealing the show from Blake Lively: the brightest stars are the fastest to fall.

This weekend is the only thing that stands between me and Chace Crawford.

Of course, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl, which airs Monday, September 1 at 8:00 on the CW Network.

Since my life pretty much sucks– I’m not currently sleeping with anyone, I’m spending my “new clothes” money on speeding tickets, and I can barely afford my daily latte, let alone an extra-dry martini or a burlesque business venture–I’m looking forward on living vicariously through Dan, Jenny, Serena, Blair, Chuck, and, oh yes- Nate.

When GG left us at the beginning of the summer (which feels like eons ago), Serena’s brother, Eric, had just come out of the closet; Georgina had stopped into town just long enough to break up Serena and Dan; Chuck briefly scraped together an ounce of morale, only to eye-f*ck Amelia, Lily’s new interior designer; Blair hopped a plane with some random dude; and it seems that Serena and Nate and Dan and Vanessa were left to hang out for the summer.

Oh, there’s also the middle-aged love triangle between Chuck’s dad, Serena’s mom, and Dan’s dad, and Lily married Bart right after confessing her love to Rufus. Seriously, forty, and you’re still playing love games? Whatever. I’m sure this plot line will bring barrels of drama to the small screen this season.

Wow. Sometimes its hard to believe that GG has only been on for one season! We’ve already seen sex, lies, betrayal, bulimia, kids on suicide watch, theft, more sex, underage girls getting wasted and performing a strip tease in a night club, sex in a limo, cocaine, and Jenny’s perpetually uphill struggle to fit in.

What’s Season 2 going to throw at us? We’ll find out beginning on Monday. For now, here’s a sneak peek of our favorite guilty pleasure, with episode recaps coming at you every week!

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