When I was in high school we passed our time driving around and prank calling boys. High School kids today are pretty much the same, except replace “driving around” with “choking themselves to  get high” and change “prank calling boys” to “sending naked pictures to boys.” Was high school really that long ago or am I just a hell of a lot smarter than today’s teens?

I’m pretty sure high school was only about four years ago, so I’m left wondering what the hell is going on with teenagers? I don’t mean to sound judgmental or high-and-mighty, because we’ve all been there. We all lived in that place where everything was the end of the world, where drama ran high and there was never, ever enough glitter. But come on, things have gotten a little out of control lately.

Whether high school was the best time of your life or a time you’d rather forget, it’s still a time that we can vividly remember. That being said, I do not remember “the choking game”  being a fun after school activity. I also don’t remember blowing anyone on the back of the bus nor witnessing anyone else performing oral sex on the back of the bus. It just wasn’t happening when I was a teenager.

Teenagers are not my favorite group of people, so I have no problem calling them idiots. Seriously, what are they thinking? Not only are they becoming a group of mini faux-celebretards, but they aren’t doing anything even remotely smart or safe. Read More »

When I was a teenager, I was angry. Of course I was angry! What teenager isn’t? When guys were jerks to me and bratty girls made me homicidal, I had music as my medicine, and fabulous women to look up to.

They were gorgeous and bright, well versed in their rights, talented, and respected. They had lyrics crafted especially for the freeing of the spirit. You know who I’m talking about. Ani Difranco. Tori Amos. Fiona Apple… the list goes on. These ladies helped mold me into who I am today with presence and personality that could give any girl hope and strength.

My questions is this: Where have all of these fantastic ladies gone? As a musician, I can only aspire to be like them, but when I look around, I feel as though I hardly see anyone else aiming for that goal. I see one hit wonders without longevity. I see women using curse words matched with a catchy chorus to be “cute”. Giant boobs and bare midriffs and lyrics written by some fifty year old guy.

Where are the heroes of this generation? Read More »

(SARA, 23, walks down the street in Queens, NY with a giant bag of laundry. As she passes the elementary school by her apartment, she comes across a group of 14-year-old[?] boys. One KID separates out to meet the next group of boys half a block up.)

KID

(to his friend)

Yo, Hassan! Mothaf*cka gonna rob your ass, son!

(Kid laughs and presses the fire alarm, which buzzes one loud buzz. He turns around to look at Sara.)

KID

Testing the fire alarm, miss.

SARA

(sarcastic)

Wow, awesome.

KID

Yeah?

(thinks)

You’re looking pretty awesome. Read More »

Wow, so how about Medium last Monday night, huh?

The premiere episode was just OK, but with this one I could tell that Glenn Gordon Caron and the writers have really shot straight back up to the level of tension, mystery, and all-around awesomeness they had reached at the peak of last season.

I loved seeing more about Ariel, especially now that she’s blossoming into the snide teenager that everyone hates. After that episode, I’m beginning to think she should have been born in the ’70s, because the huge hair and earrings the size of small yachts really suited her.

I’m still not sure about Ameritips Woman, though (what the hell is her name, anyway? Cynthia or something old-ladyish like that?). Anjelica Huston is a great actress, no doubt, but whenever I look at her, all I can think about is how strongly she resembles a horse. Read More »

Just kidding, but with all the relentless (and unprotected) celebrity sex stuff going on recently, that sort of thing wouldn’t be hard to believe.

In case you’re not big into tabloids (but of course you are, since like, what else is there to read these days?), Little Spears isn’t the only one on the fast and furious “accidentally pregnant” train. 22-year-old singer Lilly Allen announced she’s carrying Chemical Brothers musician Ed Simons’s baby almost at the exact second Jamie Lynn jumped onto the cover of Ok! Magazine, while beating out both starlets in the baby drama department was presidential hopeful John Edwards.

That’s right. John Edwards. The guy with the hair. Who’s running for president.

Apparently, some chick told the National Enquirer a few months back that Edwards cheated on his sick wife with her, leaving her sperminated and disgraced.

The news today is that an “ex-key official” in Edwards’s campaign (who has a family of his own) is actually the baby daddy, allowing Edwards to have some of his integrity back, but not all, since he totally had a lying bastard working for him. Read More »

The Spears girls have the worst judgment in the history of celebrities.

OK! Magazine is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears, the supposed “good sister” to a psychotic, dramz addicted older sibling, is, as we speak, 16 and pregnant.

Yup. The Nickelodeon star just confirmed to the mag (and subsequently, the world) that she’s got a bun in the oven courtesy of her “live-in” 19-year-old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge.

This is:

A) horrible news… and

B) even more confirmation that the Spears clan drinks a special kind of water spiked with “bad – decisions – that – will – effect – your – entire – life – and – ruin – your – career” vitamins.

While 10pm on a Tuesday night yields no comment from Nickelodeon, one can only assume that an unwed, pregnant teenager is not exactly the kind of role model they’re looking to endorse, and The Littlest Spears is most likely going to get a front row seat to her own career meltdown.

…That is, unless MTV calls her up and asks her to do a reality series.

“Jamie Lynn Spears: My Life As a Stupid, Pregnant Teenager” anyone?

Apparently you only have to play a wizard (not actually be one) to make millions of dollars magically appear. In the spirit of the new Harry Potter and the Daniel Radcliffe craze, I found it fitting to blog about rich teens (and how completely undeserving they are of their millions.).

Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe that acting and singing are an admirable art. In no way is it an easy job.

Motion pictures or the right lyrics can change peoples’ lives, send important messages, or make you cry hysterically for hours unsure as to why you care so damn much that Rafe forgave his innocent best friend Danny for rolling around in the parachute hangars with the woman that they both love.

My point is, the amount of money that these celebrities are getting paid is absolutely ridiculous, especially considering how much cool shit they get for free just for being famous in the first place! Read More »