I have spent 8 years (not continuously) with my mouth between a dude’s legs, and while I finally know that I’m good at it (one fine young man – whose name I do not know – exclaimed, “Wow! That was good!”), I still don’t love all the work is involved. It kills my jaw, my neck, and I’d rather let the guy handle things on his own than risk lock jaw on a sweaty appendage.

And do I get paid back? Not often. Lots of guys I know and have “interacted” with really aren’t into making the trip downtown on a lady. “It’s so hard!” they say. “You don’t know what we’re dealing with down there!”

Um, excuse me? They think they have it hard (pun totes not intended)?

I decided to take this issue on myself with my favorite IMing male to see if we could work through our problems and come to some sort of truce for men and women everywhere. Will this entice more men to venture South? We can only hope.

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

I’m sure most of us (myself included) don’t really stop mid-bite to ponder the effects of different foods on our teeth.  And while it doesn’t need to be at the forefront of our thoughts, we should still think about them chompers from time to time.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather not spend countless hours, dollars, and shrieks of pain getting dental surgery because I didn’t take care of my teeth early on… and refused to give up my daily coffee/candy bar breakfast routine.

Read on for the food rules of healthy teeth.

Drink tea: A study from the University of Illinois found that drinking tea without added sweeteners can significantly reduce the incidence of dental cavities.  Scientists propose that this is due to the polyphenol content of the tea, but the evidence is inconclusive.  Reduce the amount of cavities in your mouth by drinking at least a cup of tea each day, preferably after meals.  Remember that tea has plenty of other health benefits other than for your teeth, so drink up!

Avoid sugary foods: This one’s a no-brainer, but I thought it was worthy to include regardless.  Study after study has found an association between high sugar intake and high levels of dental problems.  Remember that other carbohydrates such as bread and cereals can also contribute to cavities if consumed in high amounts, so aim for balance in your intake of carbs, protein, and fats. If you are going to eat sugary foods, you can improve your dental health by brushing your teeth immediately after food consumption.

Chew sugar-free gum: Gum containing xylitol has been shown to reduce the incidence of dental caries by stimulating saliva production in your mouth, which can decrease plaque build-up.  Just be sure the gum you’re chewing doesn’t contain sorbitol, as it has less beneficial anti-cavity effects than xylitol.  Pop in a stick after snacks and meals to fight plaque buildup and thus, harmful dental cavities.

Avoid over-consumption of dark foods:  These can include coffee, red wine, and dark sodas.  Tobacco also has a similar effect, so stop smoking if you want those pearly whites (and lungs…)

I have spent 8 years (not continuously) with my mouth between a dude’s legs, and while I finally know that I’m good at it (one fine young man – whose name I do not know – exclaimed, “Wow! That was good!”), I still don’t love all the work is involved. It kills my jaw, my neck, and I’d rather let the guy handle things on his own than risk lock jaw on a sweaty appendage.

And do I get paid back? Not often. Lots of guys I know and have “interacted” with really aren’t into making the trip downtown on a lady. “It’s so hard!” they say. “You don’t know what we’re dealing with down there!”

Um, excuse me? They think they have it hard (pun totes not intended)?

I decided to take this issue on myself with my favorite IMing male to see if we could work through our problems and come to some sort of truce for men and women everywhere. Will this entice more men to venture South? We can only hope.

It reduces stress – According to an article on msnbc.com, having sex releases endorphins and oxytocin, increasing relaxation, easing anger, and thus improving your relationship. Sex may also cause you to heal faster, get sick less frequently, and even live longer. However, the beneficial effects start to fade when there are problems in the bedroom. According to the article, the situation is a “catch-69, the cruel irony that a proven cure for stress — a hot sex life — is exactly what stress destroys.” That’s definitely enough reason for me to get goin’.

Sex burns calories – Okay, so you can’t exactly skip the gym (every day, at least) to have sex. However, according to webmd.com, a half hour of sex burns about 80 calories or so, depending on your weight. Foreplay can also torch calories – 50 per half hour for a 150 lb. person. Go to this site and enter your own weight and time and see how much you’re burning off during your hook up sesh.

Certain, ahem, fluids reduce tooth decay – Semen contains zinc, calcium, and various other minerals. Zinc, calcium, and “various other minerals” are known to prevent tooth decay. You do the math.

P.S. My source even continues to say: “Sexual etiquette usually demands the brushing of one’s teeth before and/or after intimacy, which, by itself, would help promote better oral hygiene.” Double whammy if you brush those babies after receiving that healthy dose of zinc and calcium…

It makes you prettier – According to some, at least. A study at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland found that the more sex you have, the younger you look. Now, that’s not too important to us youthful and vibrant college students, but how about healthy skin and hair? Apparently, sex causes a surge in estrogen, making hair shinier and skin smoother. Hey, you don’t have to tell me twice.

Go down and watch your breast cancer risk…go down – Now this one is my absolute favorite. According to a study published on CNN.com, women who perform fellatio on a regular basis have a lower chance of getting breast cancer. Now ladies, here’s the catch – you have to actually swallow the semen to reap the benefits. I’m not sure if this is fact or just a ploy by the men of the world to get us to swallow, but I do know that:

1) Dr. Helena Shifteer “…tries to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances.” Thanks for the overshare, Doc.

2) Dr. Len Lictepeen hopes that the research “will hopefully change women’s practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases” and should probably call Helena.

3) “Fellate” may be the best verb/vocabulary word I’ve heard since I learned the word “palindrome” in fifth grade.

Do you get your doctor-recommended daily dose of the dirty deed? Or are you still looking for that perfect “prescription”? Let me know what’s on your mind.

[Photo courtesy of the Sugar girls.]

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But I have no idea what makes a woman bad in bed. Can a woman be bad in bed? Could I be bad in bed? I started to develop a complex after a male friend of mine told me he had faked orgasms…on multiple occassions! Guys fake orgasms? Could a guy have been faking with me?

OMG! WHAT IF I AM BAD?!

I turned to my male advisor for the answers. (Note: I did try and convince him that it was “my friend” who was worried, but we all know it was neurotic, self-conscious me.)

Flav starts the day by telling the girls that he wants them to star in a FOL 3 calendar. Oh, no.

Buckwild and Saaphyri enter – Flav brought them in because they are entrepreneurs. Buckwild, who, in her words, “dresses like a slot machine” has a clothing line coming out, Saaphyri is coming out with lip chap.

The girls will assist with the calendar and help him figure out who should go home. What that has to do with dressing like a ‘slot’ (heh) or making lip chap is beyond me.

The best picture gets the date. Flav wants to have a sexy calendar that’ll put Playboy out of business. Is Shy giving them posing pointers? Because she watches Tyra?

Seezinz calls a meeting so that everyone can get a solo shot. Hotlanta wants the August bikini shot. Prancer’s going to be the Easter bunny? And she’s doing July? NO, you can’t do every single month.

No one thinks that Shy is hot – neither do I. That would be because Shy reminds me of Eddie Murphy.

[For the record: there are no words to describe the monstrosity of the posing]

Buckwild and Saaphyri arrive on the set and Buckwild says that the girls need to show more skin. Saaphyri says that there needs to be more booty shots. Prancer looks ridiculous dressed as a bunny.

Prancer says to Shy, “Look at your stretch marks.”

Push her in pool, Shy! “I will f*ck you up with these stretch marks” say it!! Say it for me so that one day I may say it, too!

The Things are in the kitchen for November, bent over a roast or something. Is the photographer dying?

Prancer is totally getting in on all of the shots. But she’s not really hot.

Seezinz is starting to sabotage a la Prancer. This is so ridiculous.

Prancer’s shooting February with Seezinz and the house is going to explode again. Flav is there? When did he show up?

And I still feel awful for this photog because he has to shoot three versions of February because the girls think that it’s the most romantic month and eeeeewwwww, the Things are getting way, way, way too close. I don’t care if two girls get together, but when you share DNA, keep those lips AWAY from each other.

Shy is spanking Sinceer which is funny and disturbing but she’s so pissed – I’m surprised that you’re not ripping off her arm.

And this photog should walk out. I can’t even type anything right now, I can hear anything except yelling, bleeping, more yelling, bleeping and the photog awesomely pours himself a drink and says, “That’s a wrap.”

Big Rick calls down the ladies to review the photos with the photog, Buckwild and Saaphyri. Shy, you didn’t win. Go to the dentist.

Prancer looks okay for March but stupid in April. Where did that atrocious bunny costume come from?

There were all sorts of nasty February shots. The Twinz looked bad. Sinceer and Shy look like “amateur night in the strip club.”

Prancer and Seezinz had the ‘best’ February shot, so they win the date with Flav. But did you win anything really?

There’s a fight going on again but I don’t hear it because a Thing is picking her teeth with a fake nail and I can’t get the image out of my head.

Post-challege, Hotalanta said that her best customers in the strip club never saw her naked. Okay.

Shy is going to the dentist the day of eliminations. Prancer thinks that Shy doesn’t brush her teeth. Get out. I’m sick.

Who are all of these girls calling on the house phone? Do they realize that everyone hears everything? The hunrgrier Thing overhears Hotlanta talking about getting cash out of a guy. I love with people run with nearly no information.

So next day, Prancer and Seezinz need to put on leotards for their date. Does Prancer have those shoes that are also skates? Are you 12?

As soon as they get in the limo Seezinz kisses Flav. Do I want to watch the rest of this date? They are going to do some acrobatics. I’m not going to pay attention to this.

Shy’s at the dentist while they are on the date…THIS I’m interested in. X-rays reveal that she eats a lot of sugar and her teeth won’t last through her late 30s. The dentist tells her what a five year old knows – that she needs to brush and floss twice a day. He also says that a deep cleaning is necessary, some teeth need fillings, she needs a root canal – is VH1 paying for this? She needs THOUSANDS of dollars of work in her mouth and she leaves because she can’t afford it. So VH1 is not funding that. Did you get your teeth cleaned at least, nasty? Go buy a tooth brush.

Back at the house and Shy tells Flav about the dentist with a mint chain around her neck. She’s willing to do anything for Flav. Like brush your teeth?

The Things tell Flav that they overheard Hotlanta talking about her baby daddy and getting money out of him. And she’s got that name tattooed on her neck? What are the Things hiding?

Flav questions Hotlanta and we learn that Jerry is her youngest son’s dad – they broke up in August – was that a month before the taping started?

They are wearing PJs for eliminations. What is it, school spirit week? Is tomorrow crazy hat day?

So Buckwild and Saaphyri tell Flav what they think about the girls. According to them, Hotalanta or Shy needs to go.

Surpringly, Flav likes the PJs. The last two standing are Shy and Hotlanta. I bet Shy and her stank mouth are going home. Annnnndddddd…

I love that Shy’s mouth is inhabited by Cavity Creeps and that’s what’s sending her home.

Her real name is MONALISA. OMG, that’s so amazing, I don’t even know what to say about it.

Buckwild and Saaphyri bust in before the toast because Saaphyri’s bringing in a bunch of girls – why? Because this bunch isn’t hot? Four girls come in and enter the game. Oh, geez, I didn’t need this to go on longer.

Next time: The original season three girls ban together against the new ones.

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• Brangelina is pregnant with twins???

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• What a stupid thing to do.