Sorry, Bachelor. I hate to complain, but talk about a two – hour snoozefest. It’s not that it was clear the entire time who was going to “win,” it’s just that both girls were so earnest and so… boring. I am convinced Tessa and Bevin were actually the same person making use of some very realistic wigs. The only entertaining part of the episode was watching Andy read aloud the girls’ notes to him — sound it out, honey. Sound it out. Oh, and when Tessa made him a picture collage. Hey, that’s the same thing I made for my boyfriend in fourth grade! How funny. Great minds think alike.

Needless to say, I really liked Andy’s family from the get – go during his visit home. I just trust people who own crocheted blankets and stuffed mallards. I also trust Andy’s hot mom! God, Andy! What a womb you emerged from! Lucky guy. Grandpa wasn’t so bad either.

While Precious – Moments – Tessa floored the Rockwellian Baldwins, poor Bah’ai Bevin floundered in the face of Grandpa Larry’s Reagan – esque interrogation. Didn’t they realize that she’s cool? Cool is her religion. I think Andy’s family was just afraid of having grandchildren named Moonchild and Nutmeg if he chose Bev.

But really, they never had anything to worry about! Judging from history, Andy’s Protestant ethics would no doubt have overtaken Bevin’s liberal electricity in the end. But, it turned out Grandpa Larry got his way after all. He always wins! I have to hand it to Andy — a man that doesn’t respect his grandfather’s traditional credos is weak and of questionable character. And we all know how good Andy is with decisions. Not easily swayed, that one.

All I know is I gotta get one of those emotion shirts, so I can wear my heart on my sleeve and one day become Mrs. Lieutenant [insert name here] just like Bevin. I mean Tessa. Wait, which one is which again?

With that, I bid you goodbye, Bachelor. You waxed, you waned, you oscillated, you vacillated, all without much fanfare or flourish. So, let’s all pool our efforts and dedicate ourselves to a better season 8, with more drama and less sincerity and true love. Here’s an idea: The Bachelorette!

I need to start keeping count of the different ways sex is implied, but the good ones include: “Special time,” “closeness,” and “electric soul connection.” Come on, it’s 2007, cant they just say “doin’ it” like the rest of us?

And there’s really no need to mask Andy’s inevitable dirty proclivities with the presentation of a rosewater bath for the couple to enjoy. Andy was in the Navy, for heaven’s sake — he’s not going to be taking any sort of BATH to experience “closeness” with one of his ladyfriends.

Whatever. Andy was looking a little worse for wear last night, especially in his Miami Vice ensemble on his date with good ol’ roundface, Tessa. Those two are made for each other — such chemistry! Did you see how they bonded over that sashimi? I’ve never seen flabby pieces of raw fish bring people together like that. Talk about foreplay. Yum. Let me wag this piece of fish in your face, honey. Aren’t we cute.

Danielle, on the other hand, is so boring I actually started studying for my American Cultures final to entertain myself during her segment. I know Andy went to Duke and all, but sometimes he just doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb. It was obvious that she had to go. Andy must have had other variables in mind besides ability to hold a conversation and general personality traits when trying to make his decision… I’m guessing Danielle probably gives a great back massage?

And then there’s Bevin, our faithful harlot, er, divorcee. Despite her lack of chin, she’s saucy. I actually kinda like her! I may even be rooting for her! Her controversial past full of divorce makes her interesting. Bev has a total wild side — she’s the kind of girl who shaves her armpits every other day. A rebel, I say! It might be risky for Andy to choose her because of her erratic behavior and free – spirited nature, but in the end he would not regret it. Think of how much he could grow from being with such an unexpected gal. Or think of how fun it would be for him to tame that wild, wild stallion.

In conclusion, the most intriguing development of this episode was Chris Harrison emerging as the God of Sex in his omnipotent ability to bestow the key to the Fantasy Suite to Andy and Bachelorette X. I just hope someone changed the sheets in between fantasies.

Well, I sure can’t wait for next week: The Bachelor on location in Amish Pennsylvania! It’s gonna be so heart – wrenching, the butter will churn itself.

I felt bad for Amber and the important social welfare issues her story raised (child endangerment, rape of a minor, pedophilia), but where are the crazies this season? I want to see someone go off the wall and start biting. These girls are all wayyyyy too normal.

Wait. No they’re not. They’re looking for “love” on The Bachelor! There MUST be something wrong with them, we just have to look hard and carefully. Fine. I like a challenge.

The home visits are always kind of awkward and boring, inasmuch as The Bach always seems a little depressed to find that his ladies’ moms are not hot, which means in 15 years his ladies will not be hot. What would make for good T.V. is if just once The Bach did a little switcheroo and dumped one of the gals for her mom (or dad!!). I’ll keep dreaming.

In the meantime, I experienced a little switcheroo myself during this episode: I began to like Tessa. If it’s between her and Bevin (Danielle is a filler at this point), I emphatically support Tessa on two counts: 1. She is pure, unsullied by a previous marriage unlike her promiscuous opponent. 2. Her name does not remind me of cattle. And during the home visit, she was surprisingly REAL. Which means, of course, that she’s probably too good for Andy. Which is the prevailing paradox of The Bachelor…

 Why! why does it have to be this way? Perhaps as I study for my Postmodern Philosophy final I will find the answers.

Well, YEAH! I can really empathize with the bachelorettes this season because I dated a guy last fall who dated another girl at the same time as me, and it totally sucked, and he never even gave me $2 million worth of diamonds that he borrowed from ABC, not even to wear around the house.

I’m a little sick of all the man – in – uniform – as – a – white – knight – who – will – rescue – you metaphors, but this season is going swimmingly (literally: why are these people always doing water sports? Are water sports a precursor to true love? If so, I need to learn to swim).

Anyway, back to the show. Gimpy Bevin surprised me with her gusto tonight: she sure didn’t let her little injury get in the way of love. She knows how to play this game, which makes sense because she is a divorcee. O! Horror of all horrors!

You can make out with a guy against a boat on T.V., but not disclosing your divorce to him is sacrilege if I’ve ever heard it. And the kicker is that Bevin worries that she won’t have time to share that she is divorced. Well, Andy, I won’t have time to share with you that I am hermaphrodite with fifteen toes and a blazing case of chlamydia! Joke’s on you when you meet my cretin parents, you wiry raccoon, you.

Mainly I wish that these old hags would just stop crying about being old hags. Although the crying makes them seem younger… Perhaps it’s a game tactic because Andy loves the little ones. As proven in last night’s episode, he also loves when his woman acts like a child. When dear Bevin got down on her hands and knees in that sandbox, Andy got a little too excited. We all know she’s gonna win.

Closing thoughts:

-If he chooses Tessa, I’ll be so mad.

-Sexiest line of the night: Andy: “Wow! Look at the koi pond!”

-And can we talk about Kansas Stephanie’s sartorial choices for a sec? The glittery Grecian gown and Midwestern prom hair were one thing, but I think the polka-dot turtleneck under the periwinkle blazer was her kiss of death. Other bachelorettes, beware.

My only theory is that Amber, and all the other girls, for that matter, have crushes on one of the cameramen and feels weird kissing Andy in front of him. People never think about the cameramen on these shows, but you gotta hedge a bet that they get around. I mean, if I had the choice between a manicured, chivalrous Brooks Brothers-wearing guy driving around in ABC-rented Lamborghinis and the greasy, schlumpy dude behind the camera (who basically controls how thin I look on T.V.), well, the choice is clear.

That said, what kind of name is Bevin, and since when do 28-year-olds cry about a sprained ankle, let alone wear stilettos with one? Not sexy. Also, skiing? Not sexy. Tessa? Not sexy. I said it. I’m sorry.

Next week on The Bachelor: a comedy of extreme sports and forced altruism. Only the strong survive.