There are two types of drinkers: The kind that can handle their liquor, and the kind that can’t. The kind of drunk who is the life of the party, and the kind the party wants to punch in the face.

What kind of person are you?

Annoying drunk people…

Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” before they reach for a bottle of Bud Lite/Jager/Windex/anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of intoxication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night instead of wiping your drunken tears on my new cami and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers instead of going home with the Milwaukee’s Best party guests!

Annoying drunk people…

Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you’re a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates’ beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies and become the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

PARTY FOUL!

Don’t act like you haven’t heard it before.  According to Urban Dictionary, it’s “something socially unacceptable done in a social gathering.” For those of us who have been in the presence of a party foul or may have accidentally committed one ourselves, we know that they’re much more than that.

Thanks to digital cameras, your unfortunate lack of judgment will probably be plastered all over the Internet before you even have the chance to pull your head out of the toilet the next morning.  But no matter how bad things get for you, just thank your lucky stars that you’ve never committed any of these…

You haven’t, right?

Tossing Your Cookies. This is quite possibly the most commonly seen party foul. If you really have to throw up, try making it to the bathroom.  When your pre-drinking meal ends up on a fellow partier or in a potted plant— major party foul.

Bed Hog. “Getting jiggy with it” is not a party foul itself, but when you’re doing whatever you do in someone else’s bed— not so cool. Especially if you don’t know whose bed it is. Extra bonus points if you wake up next to the biggest creep at the party. He may have looked like Rupert Grint last night, but this morning your Harry Potter hottie looks a lot like a steroid-induced Carrot Top. Yummy.

Dancing Queen. The next time you get the urge to clear the dance floor and whip your hair back and forth, don’t.  Only one person on the planet can actually look cute flinging their head around like a crazy person and that’s Miss Willow Smith herself. Anyone else who feels like attempting this dance move should resort to doing so in the privacy of their own home…doors locked, curtains closed.

The Hot Mess. You might have your way with the fellas sober, but if you’ve been pounding down the spiked punch all night you may want to back off a little. When you start hitting on every guy at the party with fake eyelashes dangling off your face and your breath reeking of the soggy chips you just found on the floor, it’s time to call it quits for the night.

American Idol. So, you think your voice is God’s gift to the world? Well once your favorite song comes on and you start belting out the lyrics to “The Climb” at top of your lungs, you’ll have people running for the door. Stay off the furniture, it’s not a stage. And when your audience is throwing beer cans at you, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Somebody’s Trippin’. Blame it on the a-a-alcohol all you want, but no one is going to care why you just belly-flopped into the middle of the floor. Whatever the reason, it was hilarious and certainly party foul-worthy. And possibly a candidate for America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Duel it Out. There’s nothing like watching fights get broken out over the most ridiculous things. Girls pull each other’s hair, guys punch walls— it’s lots of fun. Usually the fights conclude with the girls “hugging it out” and apologizing for hitting on each other’s boyfriends and the guys making up for lost drinking time by doing multiple keg stands.

In the end, a party isn’t a party without a few drunken messes stumbling around, breaking things and wondering why they’re never invited back again.  No one wants to be “that girl,” but for the sake of everyone’s entertainment, we might as well get those referee’s whistles blowin’.

What’s the worst party foul you’ve ever been called out on or witnessed? Tell us in the comments or, better yet, give us the deets in an anonymous morning after story.

So I’m 3 weeks into my bright college years, and in between realizing that I have Spanish homework to do at 1 in the morning and figuring out how trash piles up so quickly when clearly I took out the garbage like, a day ago, there are plenty of Solo cups and pregaming parties to keep my thoughts occupied.

In the past year, I passed through the rookie stage of drinking. You know, getting over the fact that drinking isn’t such a big deal after all (I know some may beg to differ, which I totally respect, but step off for a sec, darlings) and then advancing into classic teen movie, drink up mode. It was like I was Cady Heron (a la Mean Girls) being de-innocentized, except minus The Plastics. There were chill house parties, high-ish quality alcohol bought by nice older siblings, and then classic senior year, I-don’t-give-a-f**k debauchery. Getting to a stage of happy drunk was part of the whirlwind of senior year and really, part of the fun. But I was good about it – no blacking out and never even vomiting.

So coming to college, I was under the impression that it would be the same, but something about drinking here just doesn’t feel settling to me. The glowy halo of happiness that surrounded drinking just totally disappeared.

I know, totally weird, right? Because, like, obviously drinking is much simpler here. There aren’t quite as many repercussions when you get caught, alcohol is pretty much readily available, and the number of boys who you would willingly drunkenly hook-up with has gone through the freakin’ roof.

But for some reason, after 3 weekends worth of pregaming and taking LMFAO seriously (shots! shots! shots!), I just don’t know if drinking is as worth it in college.

I mean, I don’t want to stumble around being known forever as That Girl. Also, both my roommate and I are mistaken for drunk when we aren’t drunk at all just due to our normal personalities, so I figured that adding drinking on top of that was unnecessary. And who needs the extra calories of a few cans of beer? Not I – the dining hall fries are good enough for me.

So I tested out this whole not drinking business last weekend, and surprise, life was perfectly grand. I had a Hollywood caliber night minus a Lindsay Lohan caliber hangover the next morning and I honestly don’t feel like I missed out on much. Debauchery? Check. Dancing? Check. Dudes? Check. I’ve got everything I need.
I’m not saying that I don’t condone drinking – I do, but I’m just not feelin it right now. And I’m not sue I ever will.

Alcohol free for the rest of freshman year? Maybe.

Caneiro’s concern regarding this ailment is understandable – we don’t need an entire generation of hunchbacks, after all – but in the grand scheme of things, Laptop-itis is the least of our problems. Really, there are plenty of larger issues we college students should be worrying about. Like Athlete’s Foot from the showers. Or Mono from all those frat party makeouts.

Or any of these:

Laundr-phobia:  Often striking halfway through the semester, students present with an unhealthy, all-consuming fear of the laundry room (usually stemming from an uncertainty of how to use the machines).  Symptoms include a lack of underwear, crusty stains and a less than desirable smell of mildew permeating from their overflowing hamper.  In extreme cases, Laundr-phobia’s effects can be disastrous (and foul), often leading to ridicule and friend loss.  While there is no known cure, temporary reprieve is available during long weekends at home with mom.

Caffeinitis:  This illness is brought upon by any of the following triggers: coffee, Red Bull, Five Hour Energy shots, or some dangerous combination of the three.  Symptoms include: shaking hands, a quickened pulse, fast and frequent trips to the bathroom and an inability to sit still for more than 3 seconds. In very, very extreme cases, students become immune to the effects of the aforementioned beverages and begin to abuse Adderall  – IF YOU REACH THIS POINT, SEEK WARM MILK AND A BED IMMEDIATELY.

Pump Foot: Often the result of dancing for hours on end in sky-high stilettos, this disorder generally manifests itself on Sunday mornings.  Characterized by large and painful blisters, cramped toes, and painful arches/calves.  Research on this disorder is limited, but it is understood that certain libations trick victims into thinking that they are immune and actually cause more damage. At present there is no known cure, but preventative care is available in the form of cute and comfy flats.

‘That Girl’ Syndrome:  The most unpleasant of all the diseases.  This disease often (though not always) strikes when a female is at her most vulnerable. Generally speaking, this is after the dissolution of a relationship.  While symptoms are different for everyone, the most common include: dancing on a bar, crying in the bathroom, gratuitous public displays of affection, falling down stairs, and generally causing a scene.  The most harmful effects of this particular ailment hit the following morning and often include mockery, embarrassment, and a dangerously long log of outgoing calls between the hours of midnight and 4 a.m.  The victim typically complains of two hangovers – one characterized by physical pain, the other by an overwhelming sense of shame. Recovery time ranges from one day to one month depending on the case.

‘That Guy’ Syndrome:  Not to be confused with the female version, ‘That Guy’ syndrome seems to harm those around the victim more than the carrier himself.  While suffering, patients will generally spill beer on their peers, crush beer cans on their heads, challenge anyone with a pulse to a Shotgunning contest, and puff up their chest at any innocent passerby who might “look at me the wrong way.”

I-Wait-Until-The-Last-Possible-Second-To-Write-That-Ten-Page-Paper-Because-I’m-Looking-Through-Everyone’s-Study-Abroad-Pictures Disease: While mild on its own, if not treated properly (experts recommend disconnecting from the Internet) it can lead to severe cases of Caffeinitis and Oh-sh*t-I-have-to-retake-that-class syndrome.

So this New Year’s Eve, I am resolving to put an end to all of those things that kept me down and out. And, quite frankly, I think there are few things we should all resolve to leave in ’09. Let’s all make (and keep) these resolutions together:

Facebook:
FB, you are the bane of my existence. What girl in their right mind ever thought it was a good idea to habitually post status updates that were simply begging for attention? Or listing off her exact whereabouts 24/7 so those creepy Facebook surfers could follow her around? FB is just another avenue for people to have a public pity party, to incite revenge via pictures making out with strange dudes, to stalk exes and so on. Say it with me: this year, I resolve to take a step back from the computer and live life not on Facebook’s terms. Or on my ex boyfriend’s Newsfeed.

Men:
In 2010, we should all resolve to not let a guy dictate our mood. Yes, men have the ability to make us the happiest we’ve ever been, but they can also make us curl up in the fetal position and cry for one week straight. One bad breakup has the power to put me in a state of hibernation until family and friends recognize me as a full-fledged hermit with cookie dough in my hair, and I know I’m not the only one. This year, I refuse to let whatever is happening in my love life affect the rest of my life. Because if the world revolved around a single man, we’d all be in big trouble.

Health:
This year, we will not insist our jeans fit us when our extra “baggage” spills over the top. Acceptance is the first step towards recovery from the unsightly muffin top and that deep red ring around our belly button that comes with it. Holding on to our delusions of still being a size 4, even after we binge-ate holiday food for over a month, is not healthy. Rather than walking around in ill-fitting clothes, let’s resolve to hit the gym instead.

Opportunity:
Let’s all resolve to embrace opportunities in all forms. Whether it’s a date with a guy you don’t know that well or simply trying something you’ve never done before (jeggings, anyone?), let’s make 2010 the year where nothing is off limits. I think I will take a page out of Yes Man’s book (OK, movie) and make myself more available to opportunity and adventure. Because, well, why not?

Alcohol:
Let’s spend 2010 not acting like a drunken Lindsay Lohan impersonator…. ever (again). Nobody likes that girl. That girl is always the one acting inappropriate in front of guys. She’s the one bitching out her friends for no good reason. She’s the one who comes home and eats the entire contents of the fridge… while she waits for her delivery. And unless you take pleasure in one-night stands, a beer gut, nip slips and vomit chunks in one’s hair, nothing good ever happens for this girl. I love my vodka, but I love my pride a whole lot more.

At least in 2010, I do.

Every week I make a list. Not a grocery list or a to-do list…or that list, because I don’t really do groceries (there is a reason why they deliver pizza) and to-do lists are totally not my scene (if such a scene even exists) and, unfortunately, I haven’t added to that list in quite awhile.

No, this list is a top ten-style countdown about the hard-hitting issues, like which mash-ups are the best ever or which apps rock my world.

This week I’m focusing on the “click click flash” that consumes your weekend. You go out, someone inevitably breaks out the camera (every 4 minutes) and you start posing like you’re ready for the cover of Nylon. Great idea, but these pictures are going to end up on Facebook for the world to see the next day when you’re sober. Oof. And with today’s technology, you might be even caught in real time.

Who’s guilty?
Actually, who isn’t?

10. Self indulgent “Take one of just meeeee!”

You always think this one is a great idea. I’ll tell you something your friends (especially the one taking this photo) never will: it’s not a good idea. I promise you, it never is.

9. Drinking game picture

Congrats bro, you won a binge drinking game. Super rad!

8. Drunken girl-on-girl makeout

Your boyfriend? Not gonna be thrilled. Ok, so maybe he will, but did you forget that your great Aunt Frances is your FB friend?

7. Mirror Myspace look

Looking good with a giant flash obscuring you. Classic.

6. Obscene gesture… or action.

That’ll help you land your dream job.
Oh, and not looking at the camera does not make this photo look more natural or classy.

5. Passed out with Sharpie in your face

If you have one of these, your friends are jerks. If you have more than one of these, you seriously need help.

4. Drunken Photobooth?

Just, why? Was there really nothing better to do while you were buzzin’?

3. Nonfunctional drunkenness

Another big, fat “why?” How is this attractive? And who was the jerk who took this picture? And freaking sent it to all your friends? But, seriously, why did you decide to lay right there?

2. Pregaming

Since when is drinking in a tiny dorm room scrapbook material?

1. Pouty face, Peace sign

Overplayed.
ENOUGH SAID.

Every week I make a list. Not a grocery list or a to-do list, because I don’t really do groceries (Pad Thai take out, helloooo) and to-do lists are totally not my scene, if such a scene even exists. No, this list is a top ten-style countdown about the hard-hitting issues, like which mash-ups are the best ever.

This week, as a partner to The Ten Types of Guys at the Party, I’ve decided to include the female version. All in good fun, ladies! Who am I missing?

10. The Diva.
This girl is at the party, but she is DEFINITELY not trying to party. Pouting with her manicured fingers and heavily lined eyes glued to her cell, Diva will only speak to her tight-knit group of friends dressed in very similar outfits. She will not partake in any of the drinking games, she will not hook up with any guys and she will roll her eyes at those who do. Then she will leave an hour later to go off somewhere “cooler,” “more mature,” and just worthy of her time. 

9. The “Innocent” one
Dressed conservatively and drinking a microbrew or weak cocktail, this doll-faced darling looks like she’d rather be holed up in the library than at this very party. Wrong. She goes from “virgin” to skank in 3.5 drinks and will hook up with your boyfriend and cry about it later. Beware of the victim-playing. This girl is faker than her “leather” shoes and has run through more guys than Paris Hilton.

8. The Crazy B!#@$
Whoa. Vodka handle in one hand and the other hand down someone’s pants, the crazy B!#@$ is the wildest girl imaginable. Usually has her makeup smeared on her face, her hair a disarray and wants the music LOUDER! She won’t participate in games, but only because she’d rather dance on the table than flip cups off its edges. She’s the loudest girl on the block and she’s usually yelling something profane.

7. Intellectual smoker girl
This chick knows what’s going on in Iran and she wants to talk about it between puffs of her Parliament Lights. It’s Friday night and she’s giving her thesis on the Palestine/Israel conflict. You are dumber than her. Don’t bother.

6. Puck Slut
She’s down to do it as long as you play a college sport. Beer pong enthusiast, because that’s totally where the jocks hang, right? Doesn’t care if the team you’re on is winning, just as long as you have the jersey.

5. Needs To Party
She bombed her exam. Or her boyfriend just broke up with her. Or maybe her dog just died. Whatever the reason, this girl needs to party and she needs to party hard. You’ll see her taking shots early in the night and won’t see her again until a few hours later when her friends are carrying her out of the bathroom and into a waiting cab. Poor girl.

4. Selfie Sally
All that flashing in the corner has you searching for the strobe light, but it’s actually the flash coming from this girl’s camera. Don’t worry, though; she’s not snapping inappropriate pics of you to load onto Facebook. She’s taking pictures of herself. And her friends. Making funny faces, sexy faces, pouty faces, etc. Over and over and over again.

3. Debbie Downer
She’s sad. She’s alone. Her friends left and she doesn’t know how to rage. Slumped on the couch, pulling at her out-of-season Forever 21 top, she doesn’t realize that people would talk to her if she wasn’t so depressing.

2. The Flirt
She’ll hit on everyone. Looks like she’s gonna hook up with you? Nah. She probably has a boyfriend. She’s not interested, but she will pretend like she is all night. She thinks you’re “sooooo cute.” And him too. And him. And him. And her. And him. Wow, I wonder how she got all those free drinks?

1. That Girl
Enough. Said.

Got an idea for a Weekly 10 Topic? Let me know in the comments or shoot me an email at Melanie@CollegeCandy.com.