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Reese Witherspoon shows off her curvier beach bod. Sex-ay!

Did you catch the girl on girl action on The Bachelor last night?

Kim flies to Dallas to save Khloe

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Would you wear this frontier-friendly outfit?

Jenna Burke, one of the 25 women on this season of The Bachelor, is a self-proclaimed “over-analyst” by hobby and blogger by trade. Last night I was sitting at home reuniting myself with Chris Harrison (oh, how I’ve missed him!) and the amazing chaos that can only come from putting one single man in a room full of drunk, also single women. One of the best parts of the first episode is getting to know the contestants — model, teacher, dentist…there’s always a dentist, food lover, carnival enthusiast, aspiring cat lady. As you might guess, it made me jump for joy to see a fellow blogger being tossed into the ring for a shot at love.

It took me no time at all to whip out my trusty laptop and pull up Jenna’s site, TheOverAnalyst.net. Glancing at her home page, I almost had a heart attack. This was not a blog. Not a real one, at least. “SHAM!” I cried to myself, “She’s a SHAM!!” When I noticed the “your default text” place holders instead of posts (pictured above), I searched for an explanation on Jenna’s About page. Surely there had to be some sense behind this madness. Here’s what I found:

“I enjoy analyzing. It’s one of the things people may consider a problem, yet it’s one of the things I really like to do. I think it makes us more interesting and leads us to new discoveries. Overanalyzing happens because you really have a deep interest in learning about life, the good and the bad. I embrace my desires, I feel inspired and I witness the beauty.”

Okay. So she enjoys analyzing. Perhaps I should try clicking through her archives. See what’s what. She could have just taken a break from posting because she’s been on the show, right? Right. Okay. Sleuth hat on. Scanning through the Love section — because if there’s one part of your life to analyze, it’s your love life — what I found was less than exciting. While there were a handful of poorly-written longer posts, most of what she had to share consisted of a picture and a brief caption. This “blogger” was proving to be anything but. And do I even need to tell you she’s not pulling any income from this blog? There are no ads anywhere, no comments to show she has a significant readership. All this begs the question, what does she really do for a living? It’s not cheap living in Manhattan, which she does, so she’s gotta be pulling in come from somewhere.

Does this strike anyone else as odd? Do you wish she just cited that she was a model, actress or student like the other unemployed contestants do? Does simply having a blog suddenly make you a blogger by profession?

Alex loves rainbow sprinkles, retro bromances, and cultivating an iTunes library superior to yours. Most days, though, she just wishes she was Courtney Stodden. Got something to say or a good conspiracy theory you’re just dying to share with someone? Follow her on twitter @AlexandraRane or on Tumblr.

Oh reality TV, how you have gotten me through many a rough patch in my life, many a break up, many a late night binge fest…really any low point in my life. I’ve been with you since the first Real World appeared on MTV, to the horrible escapades of a young Jessica Simpson, I’ve seen it all.

However, in the last year or two you’ve taken a turn for the worst. For instance, how could you let the regular fame hungry people who star in your shows rub elbows with Justin Timberlake…I’m sorry but that just isn’t right. Not one bit.

In hopes to rekindle my love with you, I’ve prepared a list of my favorite old shows, some of which are still on the air. Let us please forget the mistake of letting the Kardashians’ have ten shows, seeing Jon get hair plugs and giving people who spray tan daily their own show.

initiating the gallery...

Justin Bieber says he is not the father.

Taylor Lautner’s gone indie.

Is it possible to drink alcohol and still lose weight?

We’re willing to bet this guy’s going to be your next celeb crush.

Wait, isn’t this just Twilight with zombies?

Adele receives the full-body treatment on the cover of Cosmo.

The next Bachelor is announced. Does anyone care?

7 Ways to Love Your Body

I love as reality shows as much as the next gal, seriously. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent watching Project Runway or Rock of Love marathons, but let’s be honest, there are some reality shows that might have been fun to watch back in 2001, but now they’re just overdone and need to find a place in the TV graveyard (right next to Living Lohan and Daisy of Love).

initiating the gallery...

Do you have any guilty pleasures when it comes to reality shows? If you could be on any reality show, what would it be?

Here’s something you probably never thought you’d see.

PopEater has spotted Heidi Montag, Jake Pavelka, and Danielle Staub filming together in Los Angeles. What were they filming? No one knows. Apparently details about this production are “being kept under wraps.”

But that doesn’t mean we can’t make a few guesses, does it? Come on, let’s think. What do these “stars” all have in common? They’re reality TV cast offs. They’re hated. They’re really, really desperate to be famous. And well, that’s about it. Unless Jake Pavelka is secretly a woman. (Which actually wouldn’t be all that surprising with all the crying he did on The Bachelor…)

So let’s see… is this a support group for the most hated group in America? A new show for wannabe reality stars? A who’s the biggest biatch star showdown? Or are they going the whole From Justin to Kelly route and making a movie now that the reality TV well has dried up? Can’t you just see Jake as the leading man caught between a blonde and a brunette? Oh, wait…yes, you probably can since that’s exactly what he was doing on The Bachelor. But here’s the more important question…how does Spencer feel about Heidi potentially playing the role of Jake’s love interest?

Sigh. So many options. So many quip comments. I just don’t know which to choose. I’m just going to have to leave it up to you ladies. Give me your best guesses in the comments below. And click here to see the full story.

Dear Brad Womack,

It’s no surprise that back when it was announced you were going to be our bachelor, I was not a happy camper. You were a repeat offender, having been on The Bachelor once before and left not one, but two girls without a proposal. You seemed needy, immature, and a little slippery- basically the carbon copy of any drunk guy I’d meet on a Saturday night on the sidewalk outside the bar after last call. Except you were sober, I was sober, and I still found you that unappealing. God knows how much I thought I’d hate you once things got boozy in the Bachelor mansion.

And at first, you lived up (down?) to my expectations. How many times did you tell us you were a changed man? For crying out loud you brought your therapist on the show just to prove how “in this thing” you were! Call me skeptical, but it looked like a lot of smoke and mirrors covering up a still-damaged man. The fact that you shamelessly made out with all of the girls, openly spilled your woes in exchange for affection, and quickly developed strong feelings for multiple women made me all the more suspicious of your dedication to a very serious, extremely important, Chris Harrison Approved reality dating show.

Did you not get the memo that the emotional well being of nine out of ten midwestern housewives rested in your hands? Did you think you could hand out roses willy nilly? This sh*t is for real, dude!

But then, slowly but surely, you seemed to figure out how all the madness of The Bachelor really can lead you to a quality reality TV relationship a la Trista and Ryan. (Sidenote: Does anyone remember when Ryan painted a white tiger to best express his love for Trista? Why do these sort of stunts no longer occur? Is chivalry dead!?) You met Emily and we watched you calm her jitters with the promise of a pre-ceremony rose. You frequently asked if she was all right and sought to comfort her at every turn. Sure, you still took two other girls to the Fantasy Suite for a different, wilder kind of African safari, but that’s beside the point. What I’m saying is that somewhere along this crazy adventure you morphed into a pretty damn decent guy. Yes, I said it.

Last night, when you proposed to Emily, I truly did believe that you loved her. The stuttering, the tie loosening, the profuse sweating…gosh darn, it was just so cute! And when everyone got to catch up with you two on After The Final Rose, you confessed to your rough patches. You admitted to your bad temper, Emily shared her anxieties over watching the show, but I still think you’re truly in love. The both of you.

So cheers to a successful season and changing this doubter into a teary eyed, why-can’t-I-find-that-kind-of-love-oh-well-I’ll-just-eat-4-brownies believer! Just like my dreamboat Chris Harrison, I really do wish you two lovebirds (with perfect matching teeth) the best.

What were everyone else’s thoughts on the finale and the post-finale interview? Were you creeped out as much as I was by Roberto’s intense butt chin? Are you pumped to see Ashley H. as the next Bachelorette? Sound off below!

Hey ladies, this is me reminding you to turn your clocks ahead one hour tonight. Because it’s daylight saving time and we’re losing an hour (Spring ahead. Fall back. That’s how I always remember it.), and if you forget to make the change that means you’ll miss MTV’s rerun of Thursday night’s episode of Jersey Shore, and you’ll just be really, super disoriented for the whole day.

But that’s not even the worst part, the worst part is that we really are losing an hour. One whole hour of our lives! Granted, we’ll get it back in the fall, but I don’t want it back in the fall. I want it now! I mean, I had plans! Big plans, I was going to…

1. Do some cooking.

2. Finding all seven of the sexy zones.

3. Download a few new songs.

4. Update my resume.

5. Better my social media presence.

6. Catch up on some old TV shows.

7. Debate the bigger issues with the boys at COED.

8. Buy a new pair of shoes.

9. Or a new bag.

10.  Double check my Facebook settings.

11. Get my butt bikini ready.

12. Contemplate the ins and outs of post grad life.

13. ROTFL.

14. Try to determine whether or not she’s really a frenemy.

15.  Correct those misconceptions I’ve had about sex.

16. Debate whether or not Michelle really is the best choice for Brad.

17. Sign up for a few of these classes.

18. Get back in the dating game.

19. Petition to get Charlie Sheen as my commencement speaker.

20.  Try out J.Lo’s newest look.

21. Gleek out.

22. Successfully trim my own bangs.

23. Correct my speech habits.

24. Day drink.

Or you know, maybe I would have just caught up on my sleep. Either way though, daylight saving time is totally messing with my mind.

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor made me aware of one glaring fact about myself: Despite what I might drunkenly slur while curled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, I won’t actually go to impossibly great lengths to get a man to like me.

Yes, I know there are desperate moments. They usually come along at 3 a.m. when I’m six drinks in and everyone seems to have a special someone to booty text but me. I’m not above admitting I’m familiar with the scenario, but regardless of how pathetic I’ve felt in the past, there are just some things I will not do for love. Granted the list is long, but darling bachelor Brad Womack has made it clear that some points deserve mentioning.  Listen up, fellas, because I’ll never…

F*ck you in a tree house. Especially if it doesn’t have a bathroom, a place to put my luggage, or any walls…even though you have the balls to call it a “Fantasy Suite”. Listen, buddy, my fantasy isn’t to get malaria from one of the million creepy crawlers roaming the African wild. Where’s the nearest Hilton? That’s where I’ll be enjoying an umbrella drink while you fend off the monkeys trying to spoon with you.

Listen to you tell me you love me…while you’re dating two other women. We could be sitting on the comfiest couch, drinking the most delicious wine, in whatever stunning location you choose. You want to drop that bomb on me while the previous night you slept with some fake boob hoochie and the next you’re going on a mission to acquire another tarty slampiece? Sir, that is not how it works.

Eat an iffy-looking foreign feast off a tree stump. You can tell me it’s a three-star Michelin creation, but if it looks like the ground up moist food I feed my dog, all bets are off. Food poisoning is a serious issue, and the worms crawling out of the dead tree we’re sitting on are laying eggs in the appetizers. I’m calling for a pizza.

Kiss a man wearing a safari hat and Tevas. No doubt about it, I just….can’t.

Never did I think I would actually have to lay out such bizarre Never-Will-I-Ever’s, but Brad taught me (and, really, women everywhere) that nothing is off limits on the quest for romance and roses.

Sincerely,
Me

PS. And ladies, now that I’ve shared, what won’t you do for love? And how about Brad’s uncanny ability to mess up a perfect moment, eh? What a catch!

Oh Shawntel, you just had to go and put Brad on the embalming table, didn’t you?

Last night’s hometown date episode of The Bachelor proved to reveal the very interesting, very…unique…sides of each of the four remaining potential Mrs. Womacks. From Shawntel’s cringe-inducing awkwardness to Chantal’s expanding (food) baby bump, the night was full of unintentionally hysterical twists and turns.

Seattle, WA
Okay, so am I the only one who thinks Chantal is newly sporting a significant gut? She’s not fat, not by any means, but suddenly she’s walking with her stomach pushed out and arms swinging in a monkey-like fashion. Perhaps she caught some National Geographic special on the mating rituals of gorillas and decided to take tips from the Jane Goodalls of the world.  Who knows!

Also, I didn’t previously realize Chantal’s family lives in a replica of the Bachelor mansion. Or that she owns the Mr. Winkle.  (God, she must make a fortune off all those calendars he’s been in.) Brad “I’m in this for the right reasons” Womack was definitely impressed by the posh digs and celebrity canine connections. Now I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger…

Middle of Nowhere/We Love the Honor System, ME
Ashley, your town is bizarre. Your gravy fries are questionable. Your vegetable stands do not make fiscal sense. Your family is bizarre and clearly trying to sell you into marriage. Why is everyone so enthusiastic!?!?

When your father took Brad into his shed/garage/office and gave him the ol’ talkin’ to, I thought for sure he misunderstood the concept of the show.  It looked to me as though he was trying to strike a deal with our bachelor and was one step away from pulling out his checkbook. You don’t want kids? There’s an up-charge for that sh*t. You want to stay in school? Sweeten the pot a little more, Dad.

Finally, Brad thought “si” was the French equivalent of “yes.” Just wanted to point that out.

Chico, CA
Never in Bachelor history has there been a more awkward, less welcoming family. And Shawntel is genuinely such a sweet person! I’m being serious! When her father was giving her grief over “abandoning the family business” and denying him his hard-earned retirement, I wanted to throw a shoe at his gross, nasty face! Dude, your daughter is comfortable touching dead bodies and performing all matter of science-y procedures to them- be overjoyed at that…it’s more than most attractive twenty-somethings would be interested in doing.

And Shawntel’s mother, does she even speak? Watching her hang out with Brad in the kitchen was actually painful. It’s like, lady, your daughter could be potentially marrying this slippery character, dontcha want to at least know a little about him?

I think it’s for the best Shawntel didn’t receive a rose this week. Hopefully she can go back home and figure out her family situation before embarking on another relationship. Distance is a gift, girlfriend. Consider moving.

Charlotte, NC
First things first. How on earth does a 24-year-old single mother afford a house as beautiful as Emily’s? And then decorate it so nicely? And still have money left over for all those cute outfits? She’s got a money tree growing somewhere and I need to find it!!

Moving along, Emily’s daughter, Ricki, is precious. What made her even more precious was her reluctance to like Brad. Smart kid. Eventually, however, she agreed to fly a kite with him and partake in a group board game. If you looked closely, however, you’ll notice they only played Candyland.  Everyone knows that’s the game you play with weird people because it’s short and easy. Life and Monopoly are typically reserved for favored guests, and I was glad to see they remained in the cupboard.

Brad must have picked up on this slight, because after Ricki had been put to bed, he told Emily he wasn’t comfortable kissing her with her sleeping daughter upstairs. Bro knew that kid would be downstairs in two seconds with a knife if he made any moves on her hot mom.

In my expert opinion, it’s pretty obvious who will be the remaining two ladies in the finale, but you never know when Chris Harrison will throw a curveball. Or when Michelle will be lurking outside Brad’s window, crazy eyes/veiny boobs and all.

What were your thoughts on the dates? Did you think it was odd when Ashely took a sneak look at Brad’s dental work and said she could see his crowns? Were you freaked out by death despite Shawntel’s insistences that it was natural and happy?

We’ve got a lot to think about, so sound off below!