So, my boyfriend Mario Lopez–jealous much?–was recently named People Magazine’s Hottest Bachelor of 2008. The dude is like a fine wine which only gets better with age…that I also want to have sex with. Anyway, it got me thinking—who are the top five former teen heartthrobs that time has not been as kind to?

5. Mike Lookinland

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby—you were so freaking adorable on “The Brady Bunch,” so WTF happened? Your big bro Peter marries America’s Next Top Model and this is how you carry on the family tradition? Sure you didn’t get “a lot” of camera time during the show, but it was because you were so cute that the producers had no idea what kind of shenanigans to throw you into; they didn’t want to risk a single frown line on your perfect little punum.

4. Devon Sawa

I’m not sure if I’ve ever wanted to be anyone more than Christina Ricci in “Casper” for that smooch she shared with you after you, you know, became human again. That is, until I watched “Wild America”– your movie with still-adorable JTT– then I really wanted to be any animal. Cut to 13 years later, and you might as well be another brother in the total train wreck that is the Carter family—bloated, bleached and busted. You’ve let us all down.

3. Scott Baio

To know the truly happy days Joanie must have experienced whilst being wooed by a young Scott Baio! I mean, your tight little body, those luscious locks, that sweet “underdog” persona. But a few decades later, you totally turned “guido” on our asses and got a f*cking reality show on Vh1 to determine whether or not you could handle your girlfriend’s pregnancy. Class act.

2. Corey Haim

WHOA. Dude. Just, wow. So you gave into Hollywood’s pressure to party, but not to keep up your appearances? I guess that’s a form of self-respect…but it’s the kind that makes me want to wash my eyes after seeing it. Please, give in a little more next time? The other Corey is still reasonably f*ckable— take a page out of his book. I’m sure he’ll let you borrow it. He’s your bro, right? You guys have your own show again—back on top!…just…hopefully with some flattering lighting.

1. Charlie Brown

I get what you’re trying to do, Charlie, I do. And it was cute in 1950, but it’s been over fifty years, man! Peanuts has been a syndicated cartoon since 2000, so we can still see how it went down towards the end: you really let yourself go—nothing more than a chubby, balding, middle-aged man full of neuroses and insecurities. Maybe you should try something new, like growing a second hair or finally hiring a therapist that you so desperately need.Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Who do you think has fallen off of the “hot heartthrob” wagon the hardest?

When I think Brady Bunch, I think annoying theme song, candy coated plots, and days spent throwing up into a paper bag (somehow, I always managed to watch this show when I was home sick from school…and barfing).

The one thought that never used to enter the picture? Lesbians.

Apparently, Marsha Brady (known as Maureen McCormick in real life) is writing a tell-all book about her time on the sitcom, her bout with drugs and an eating disorder, as well as a lesbionic affair she had with her co-star Eve Plumb, who played her sister Jan.

“The most explosive comments will be how the then-blonde, blue-eyed cutie developed a crush on Eve Plumb, which led to some sexual play” a source reveals, saying that while Maureen isn’t a lesbian, there were definitely sexual “hijinks” going on behind the scenes of America’s beloved family comedy.

All I can say is, thank God this didn’t happen in 2007, because if it did, it would have been videotaped and uploaded to the entire world by now.

See, back in the 70’s, stars had tact. If they went part time lesbian, they did it behind closed doors.

…and saved the story for a steamy, scandalous career boost.