Well, this spring break I’m doing things a little different; I’m going to think outside the box and break the souvenir norm. Who said souvenirs had to be “fun” or “safe”?

Gone are the days of snow globes, useless thimbles, ugly t-shirts and fragile shot-glasses. Instead, I have come up with five ideas of what to bring back from those sunny spring break cities. Whether you need gifts for your friends or mementos for yourself, these ideas will keep the memory alive for years to come.

1. A new last name: Why not pull a Mariah and come back with a hyphenate? There’s a reason celebrity vacations splash the covers of tabloids, and that reason is scandal. Nothing spells gossip like spontaneous beach-side nuptials. Friends and commitment-phobes alike will enjoy this souvenir, just remember to get Britney’s annulment lawyer before you sign your new name on the dotted line.

2. An STD: Burning, itching, and oozing bumps don’t necessarily sound fun, but think it through for a minute. STDs mean irresponsibility and spring break means a break from responsibility… see where I’m going with this? It’s hard to forget a hot spring break hook up when you have the clap as a reminder.

3. Sand: Ever get those little bottles of sand from some far away pristine beach? Why buy one when you can empty the sand that has unavoidably collected in every freaking crevice of luggage, pant leg and shoe imaginable.

4. Sun Burn: Tans fade but sun damage lasts a lifetime. Peeling, wrinkles, sun spots will suck the youth from your skin and surely remind you of those fresh faced college days when you are old and leathery.

5. Insufficient Funds: Maybe the meanest message that has ever appeared on an ATM, but still so meaningful. What do they mean? These two words mean airfare, mini bar charges, scuba lessons and a whole week worth of unaffordable fun. Your jet ski rentals may only last a week, but your debt will last far longer.

What are you bringing home from spring break this year?

Summertime’s for lovin’, which ostensibly means that summertime’s for STDs. And this summer, a whopper of an STD is back with a vengeance: syphilis.

The only thing they ever told us about syphilis in health class is that Al Capone died from it. So, I figured if I stayed away from the mafia I’d be okay. But as the New York Post reports, there have been 260 cases in New York City alone this year.

Syphilis is no longer a thing of the past, a disease that claimed the young lives of powerful visionaries like King Edward VI and Ivan the Terrible. Nope, Syphilis has finally caught up with the times. It’s a vintage STD, back for more. But not vintage in a good way. Vintage like… leg warmers.

Just a brief lowdown on why you DON’T want the clap: nasty, nasty lesions (seriously, don’t google syphilis lesions unless your stomach is made of steel), fever, rash, hepatitis, heart failure, insanity! — just to name a few symptoms. So, um, not to sound like mom and all, but be careful! Because I really don’t want to look at your lesions. Because… you’re worth it.