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Not even Carrie herself wants to go back!

Carrie Bradshaw is an icon. Her lifestyle is completely unattainable (you show me a columnist for a New York paper who has a closet full of Manolos, and I’ll shave my eyebrows). She’s the most fashionable woman in New York, and she’s not even real. Don’t tell me you have never looked at a wacky dress and thought, “That’s SO Carrie.”

She’s an aspiration. You know you’ll never have her closet or her men or her friends who always seem to always have time to grab lunch with her despite their real jobs. She’s pure fiction, but I still love her. And let me be clear, I know she’s self-centered. I know she only talks about herself when Miranda’s mom dies or when Charlotte learns that she can’t get pregnant, but her whole aura is still fabulous.

And now she’s going to be ruined.

The CW is as close to closing a deal to create The Carrie Diaries as Carrie was to marrying Aiden. The Carrie Diaries is Candace Bushnell’s prequel to Sex and the City and follows Carrie through her senior year of high school.

Being a huge Sex and the City fan, I read The Carrie Diaires when it came out, and it made Carrie a normal high school girl saving her virginity for the right man. WHAT? I don’t want to see Carrie on the small screen as a NORMAL, VIRGINAL girl. I want fabulous Carrie. Flawless Carrie, who seems like she never had an awkward phase. Glamorous Carrie who simply shot out of the womb wearing Manolos!

I don’t want to see her with pimples on her face wearing a Hollister hoodie. That makes her just like me. Just like everyone else. The Carrie that we know is a sexpert, not a high school senior wondering why everyone else is having sex but her. I don’t want her living in a town that isn’t New York City. It was bad enough when she went to Paris (I don’t even want to talk about Abu Dhabi).

How am I supposed to want to change lives with Carrie when she’s cramming for a Bio test? I don’t want that. I want my Fendi-toting, Big-dating, sex-writing Carrie; the one I’ll never be.

What do you guys think? Would you potentially tune in to see Carrie as a teen, or do you want to preserve the truly great Carrie HBO gave us so long ago?

"I came as fast as I could...in my hooker boots!"

Alright GG minions, fill in the blank:

“Gossip Girl was depressing this week because ____.”

If you can’t think of anything at the top of your head, I’ve got it.  Gossip Girl was depressing this week because 80% of the episode took place in a hospital, 10% in rehab, and the final 10% in jail.  And all along I thought Thanksgiving was only about pies and tradition (and awkwardly avoiding drunk Uncle Steve), but what do I know?

Despite my previous attempt (and some damn good ideas, if I do say so myself), Gossip Girl producers did not hear my ‘let’s change Gossip Girl once and for all’ desperate call.  I had hope for them, I really did.  And now I’m left binge eating an entire bowl of popcorn and sitting in my family room more frustrated than I was when I sat down last week to get some GG and discovered there was no episode. Talk about a waste of perfectly good cookie dough…. Anyways, this was the most depressing, non-satisfying episode EVER.  I didn’t even get a chance to marvel at Serena’s amazing attire because she was wearing a green knit robe the entire episode. And with that hair she looked like a character out of ‘Where the Wild Things Are.’  While Lily is done being punished by Serena’s antics, I’m just about DONE wasting an hour of my Monday, only to find out Juliet lounges around her dirty loft in a mini-dress with a hole in the back and the dude playing her “brother” Ben is a terrible actor.

However,  I would like to take a moment to thank the Upper East Side heavens Dan is thriving in Movember.  Dude was smokin’ last night. His jaw bone was the only thing that kept me captive on my couch for the entire episode.

Since it was one of those typical disastrous Thanksgiving episodes Gossip Girl is infamous for, and the classic “family-time” one-liners were flying, I decided it would be only proper to take the time to reminisce and appreciate some of the more memorable and awesome quotes from last night’s episode.  That’s what the day after Thanksgiving is for after all, am I right? Talking smack about your relatives….

What?
Just my family?

Oh. Well, let’s do this anyway.

“If Bruce and Demi can do it, run-ins can’t be that difficult” -Blair
Word, sista. You do always have the best lines of the show. But, that being said, I would much rather you two have your lips run in to one another in Chuck’s limo.  I was so sad about the lack of Chuck/Blair love that I allowed myself to eat another slice of pumpkin pie. (Which means I polished off the damn thing.) So much for that two-hour wedding special (or Victoria’s Secret bikini bod) I’ve been waiting for…

“I’ve baked you an apple pie with a file inside. Happy Thanksgiving brother.” -Juliet
WTF, Juliet? She is one crazy lady. Like she could bake in that tiny studio of hers! I am dying for Blair to sink her claws into her.  I don’t even have words for this woman.  Serena is in rehab, Vanessa is roaming the streets with no family, Dan is making out with his step-sister again, Nate is doing the Dr.Phil with his parents; what has she done to the Upper East side!?  She made Lily cry!  Just leave already, biatch. And take your outlet mall dresses with you!

“Serena is a troubled young woman Dan, not just the pretty girl at the party.” -Lily
“And she’s your step-sister.” How does no one ever mention that? But anyways, shut up Lily. Dan isn’t listening. Serena’s stepbrother obviously knows her kissing style best.  He always has, he always will.

“How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass?” -Blair
Can Blair just be my BFF already?  This girl is unstoppable and amazing.  I’m going to be sad when Little J goes back to her mama’s by herself because she brings out the feisty side in Blair I love.  By the way, every scene where Jenny had to walk past a group of people, I went into a fit of laughter.  She looks like an angry, gothic little gremlin hooker wherever she goes. I can never be 100% sure, but that’s not a new trend from NY Fashion Week, right?

“I’m a firm believer people should pay for what they’ve done.” -Juliet
Ugh! Enough already, you rat.

“What do you say we do ourselves some frontier justice and find that b*tch.” -Blair
Yes!  This quote was my ultimate favorite of the entire night.  Maybe Chuck can’t be Blair’s friend right now, but I sure would love to be!  When push comes to shove, you’re going to want Blair on your side.  Meow.  I can’t wait until the next episode so Blair can pull Juliet’s hair just like Snookie and the Jersey Shore dump.  It could go down in a jail cell, or a gala…whatever.

“Did you know at one time, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday?” -Lily
It’s too bad Lily and Rufus have two daughters they can’t control. Maybe if they could they wouldn’t be eating take-out french fries (in a rehab facility) every year. Which reminds me…I wonder what LiLo did for Thanksgiving….

I hoped you learned a lesson this week, Gossip Girl fan club.  Remember, as long as the check arrives every month, the past stays the past. Man, I’m glad Lily is not my mother.

XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

There are plenty of things I’ll miss about the summer. But the bad TV won’t be one of them. I don’t know about you ladies, but I don’t think I’d be able to survive another week of badly written summer dramas, or so-good-it’s-bad-but-it’s-really-really-bad reality TV. Thankfully, the television gods must have heard our prayers (and our curses when we saw Wipeout was on AGAIN) and have brought back all our favorite shows.

So set your DVRs and mentally prepare yourself for all the excitement (!!!), because here’s a list of what to watch, and when.

The Show You Won’t Admit You’re Watching: Vampire Diaries
Premieres: Thursday, September 9, 8:00 p.m. on The CW

Where We Left Off: Stefan, Damon, Elena, and Bonnie manage to save the town from angry vampires and walk away unscathed, just in time for Damon to show Elena his softer side, and sneak in a quick kiss too. The only problem? It wasn’t Elena. In what was easily one of the most shocking season finales, Katherine, Elena’s doppelganger, and the Salvatore brothers’ first love, returns to kill Uncle John Gilbert. While John lies in a pool of his own blood, Elena’s brother Jeremy attempts to turn himself into a vampire. Elsewhere, Caroline has been rushed to surgery after a potentially fatal car accident and Tyler attempts to figure out what made him crash the car in the first place. Catch a glimpse of the new season here.

The Show You Can’t Stop Watching: Gossip Girl
Premieres: Monday, September 13, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

Where We Left Off: When we last left off, Gossip Girl was going full circle. Three seasons later little Jenny Humphrey lost her virginity to Chuck Bass, the same Chuck Bass who tried to do more than kiss her at the Kiss on the Lips party back in the pilot. When Blair found out, she banished Chuck from her life and banished Jenny all the way to Hudson to live with her mother. Back in Brooklyn, Dan and Serena shared a kiss that resulted in Nate returning to his man whore roots and Serena jetting off to Paris with her bestie, Blair. Oh and Chuck? His life is currently hanging in the balance after he was mugged and shot.  Watch the promo here.

The Show Everyone’s Watching: Glee
Premieres: Tuesday, September 21, 8:00 p.m. on Fox

Where We Left Off: Quinn delivered her baby. And Rachel’s birth mother adopted her. Puck admitted he loved Quinn. Finn admitted he loved Rachel. Mr. Schuster made a play for Miss Pillsbury. In the midst of all of this, New Directions performed at regionals. And lost. But everyone’s favorite villain, Sue Sylvester, managed to find them funding for another year. Adding to these already complicated plot lines, Season 2 brings new characters, new songs, and an episode dedicated entirely to the musical magic of Britney Spears (1.0). Want to hear some new tunes? Check out the promo.

The Show You’re Not Watching: Life Unexpected
Premieres:  Tuesday, September 14, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

Where We Left Off: Chances are, you’re not watching this show, but you should be. Life Unexpected premiered last January with ten heartwarming episodes. This mid-season show tells the story of Lux, a fifteen year old foster child who, after applying for emancipation, ends up back in the care of the people who gave her up. Enter Cate Cassidy and Nathaniel “Baze” Bazile, who know nothing about parenting. In fact, they don’t even know each other, outside of one backseat hookup at Homecoming. Add in Cate’s finance Ryan, and a couple of quirky characters you’ve got a can’t-miss-it show. Check it out here.

The Show You Don’t Know Why You’re Watching: Grey’s Anatomy
Premieres: Thursday, September 23, 9:00 p.m. on ABC

Where We Left Off: Last season’s finale was “game changing,” at least that’s how executive producer, Shonda Rhimes, describes it. I just call it jaw dropping. When a shooter runs ramped throughout the hospital, Derek is shot, and Meredith miscarries the baby her husband didn’t even know they were having. Meanwhile, the tragedy brings other couples closer. Callie and Arizona reunite, and Owen finally chooses Cristina, while Mark chooses Lexie. But who does Lexie choose? And how will Dr. Bailey and Dr. Webber fit into all of this? Oh, and are any of those pesky Mercy Westers (the ones that survived the finale) sticking around? Catch up on everyone’s favorite drama here.

Other Returning Favorites Worthy of Space on your DVR:

90210: The CW, Monday, September 13, 8:00 p.m.

One Tree Hill: The CW, Tuesday, September 14,  8:00 p.m.

Dancing With the Stars: ABC,  Monday, September 20, 8:00 p.m.

Modern Family, ABC, Wednesday, September 22, 9:00 p.m.

Cougar Town: ABC, Wednesday, September 22, 9:30 p.m.

The Big Bang Theory: CBS, Thursday, September 23,  8:00 p.m.

Private Practice: ABC, Thursday, September 23, 10:00 p.m.

Community: NBC, Thursday, September 23, 8:00 p.m.

Extreme Makeover: ABC, Sunday, September 26, 8:00 p.m.

Desperate Housewives: ABC, Sunday, September 26, 9:00 p.m.

Brothers & Sisters: ABC, Sunday, September 26, 10:00 p.m.

The Good Wife: CBS, Tuesday, September 28, 10:00 p.m.

Amidst your old favorites, there are always some new faces. It’s true for the first day of classes and it’s true for the Fall television schedule. With so many new faces this season, though, it’s not easy to decide which shows deserve that coveted slot on your DVR and which ones aren’t even worth a line on your TV guide.

CollegeCandy is here to help you sort them out. We’ve picked five new shows you won’t want to miss this year. Get your popcorn (or cookie dough – we don’t judge) ready, because Fall TV starts NOW.

Hellcats
Premieres: Wednesday, September 8, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

What It’s About: When college student Marty Perkin’s financial aid gets dropped thanks to budget cuts, the overachiever has to find a way to pay up or drop. Desperate for a way to stay in school, Marty turns to cheerleading, and the full scholarship that comes with a place on the team. With an attitude more punk than prep and some hardcore gymnastic moves, Marty lands herself a place on the team. But can she keep it? And does she want to?

Why You Should Watch It: Okay, so it’s not the most compelling storyline ever, but this has Bring It On written all over it. And, come on, you know you love that movie/always wished someone would turn it into a TV show. Marty is this year’s Missy. And you don’t want to miss that. Watch the promo here.

Nikita
Premieres: Thursday, September 9, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

What It’s About: Rescued from death row as a teenager by a secret government association, Nikita was given a new chance at life. A life as a spy and an assassin.  She suffered through the training and played by their rules, but still managed to fall in love with a civilian.  When Division, the government agency that recruited her, found out, they killed her fiancé and covered up his death. Fueled by her desire for revenge, Nikita escapes, making it her mission to not only expose Division, but put an end to it.

Why You Should Watch It: Critics have been giving this thriller rave reviews all summer long. The second television adaption of  La Femme Nikita holds its own against its predecessors just as well as Nikita holds her own against her enemies in nothing more than a string bikini. Your DVR could use a dose of female empowerment, don’t you think? Watch the promo here.

Boardwalk Empire
Premieres: Sunday, September 17, 8:00 p.m. on HBO

What It’s About: It’s 1920. The war is over, Wall Street is booming, and everyone thinks they can rule the world. The show stars Nucky Thompson, part politician and part gangster,  making a name for himself in an anti-prohibition Atlantic City. He does business with everyone from Big Jim Colosimo to Lucky Luciano to Al Capone.

Why You Should Watch It: It’s an HBO show. It’s written by Terrence Winter, the same man who brought you The Sopranos. And it’s directed by Martin Scorsese. If that doesn’t convince you to give this a shot, nothing will. Watch the promo here.

My Generation
Premieres: Thursday, September 23, 8:00 p.m. on ABC

What It’s About: Meet the class of 2010, ten years later.This documentary-style drama takes you into the lives of these high school graduates ten years after the fact to find out how much has really changed, and how much still needs to.

Why You Should Watch It: The high school reunion show has been done before, both in the world of drama and in the world of reality. But this strange mix of fiction that feels like fact hasn’t. And it just might work. If for no other reason, tune in to take a look back at the year 2000 and all the horrible fashion that came with it. Watch the promo here.

No Ordinary Family
Premieres: Tuesday, September 28, 8:00 p.m. on ABC

What It’s About: The Powells were just an ordinary family. Until their plane crashed into contaminated water. Now Dad’s indestructible, Mom’s super-speeding through her daily routine, their daughter can read her friends’ minds and their son is acting even more brainy than usual. Watch as this ordinary family comes to terms with their extraordinary powers.

Why You Should Watch It: They’re a family with superpowers. A teenage girl with mental telepathy. A teenage boy who can breeze through his geometry homework. A father who turns his garage into a lair. And a mother super-speeding through her day to find time for work and family. Only hysterical things can come of this. Plus, Heroes got canceled, so you know you need something to fill that superhero shaped hole in your heart. Watch the promo here.

Got any other new shows you think are worth watching? Share them below! Lord knows I have plenty of time to fill when I’m not in class this semester.

WHO TELLS A 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT HER STEP-DAD IS CHEATING ON HER MOM WHO IS SICK WITH CANCER (or at least thinks she is) WHILE GRABBING HER COAT FROM THE COAT CHECK GUY???

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I’m feeling a little better. But really, what is wrong with (fictional) people? Was it so urgent, random beautiful woman from downstairs, that you couldn’t wait until you got home – to the building you both live in – to tell Lily yourself? And is it even true? Could it be that this woman is just head over heels for Rufus and wants him and his waffle iron for herself?  Between all his breakfast-making and conniving to keep the Doc out of Lily’s life, when would he have the time for some extra-marital nookie?

And, let’s not forget that Lily already sorta knew something was happening between these two before. But what that “something” was, we don’t know for sure. Remember Scarf-Gate 2009? That wool Burberry number was what evened the score earlier in the year when Rufus was all, “Why you lying to me, Lily?” and Lily was all, “Hey, I’m gonna leave this scarf on your table without saying anything so you know that I know and we can move on.”

But now stupid Serena (and her stupid gorgeous makeup and those stupid ridiculous earrings and that stupid, stupid insanely beautiful dress) is involved and we all know how that’s gonna go. (And if you don’t, here’s a rundwon: she’s going to get deep into the mess without really knowing the truth, she’s going to hurt a lot of people, probably break up the family, but then she’s going to apologize to everyone and it will all be OK. Oh, and then she’s going to have hot, steamy sex [potentially involving things found in the fridge] with Nate.)

Can’t wait to see how that all goes down. Pause. Not.

What I am excited for, though, is the return of the old Blair Waldorf. I had a couple tears in my eyes when we found out Chuck had applied to Columbia for her. Not only am I ready for my favorite witch to get out of the East Village and start breaking bitches down on the UWS, but the fact that Chuck applied there for her? Swoon. That’s love. For real, I applied there back in the day and anyone who is willing to do that for someone else deserves a medal of honor. That ish was ridonk.

Sigh, what I would give to be on of Chuck’s random girls for the night…..

Woops. Back on track.

Things also happened between Dan and Vanessa. I only noticed because while these (boring) things were happening, Vanessa was wearing an awesome sequin cardigan and I was drooling onto my remote. I watched closely, hoping she might disclose where said cardigan came from, but instead I followed some fight about internships and writing courses and blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is, the Dan and Vanessa situation is the only one on the show that would really hold up in the real world. It’s real drama, something we can all identify with, and it’s boring me to tears. Maybe V leaving for three months will spice things up a bit?

Or MAYBE Vanessa will send Jenny instead (I’m sure CNN and Haiti need some 17-year-old girl who can sew) and she and her waist-long hair and super wet looking lips will be out of our lives forever!!

Wishful thinking?
Probably, but we’ll find out the fate of all of our favorite UES-ers in the season finale next week. Here’s hoping Jenny’s drug dealing ways save her family…

There are three things in life that I don’t buy:

1. Bumpits
2. Heels that are taller than 4 inches
3. Lily van der Woodsen’s stupid story about being sick and needing a doctor and the only one that she could find was her sexy, rich ex husband even though she lives in New York City, where some of the best doctors in the world reside.

Oh, and thongs. I don’t buy thongs either.

Let’s just reflect. Lily gets cancer, doesn’t tell her husband, runs into the arms of her ex-husband and stays in a hotel with him “getting treatment” for months at a time, all the while lying to her waffle-making house-husband back home. Then this miracle doctor follows them back to New York where he comes up with some convoluted story about how he was absent for 14 years and then couldn’t see Serena because he was dealing with doctor-patient confidentiality with her mother?

Does this seem totally ridiculous to anyone else? (Besides the obvious fact that Dr. van der Woodsen is a skinnier Jack Donaghy and I was just waiting the entire episode for Liz Lemon to pop in and yell “deal breaker!”) What sort of power does this guy have over these two women that make them completely throw any sense of reason out the window?

And what is it about him that makes Serena talk to him like she’s trying to lure him into bed? That’s her father for god’s sake. Watching those two have coffee made me more uncomfortable than sitting in too-tight jeans at the end of freshman year. And let me tell you, that was painful. I lost feeling in my feet!

But that’s not the only thing that had me squirming in my seat. Little J’s nappy extensions pathetic attempts to to get freaky with Nate were pretty hard to watch as well. Seriously, girl, get a brush. I admit, Chuck’s plan to push Nate and Serena apart was pretty solid, but Jenny just couldn’t make it happen and her meltdown was Awkward City. She made a complete ass of herself in front of both Nate and her step-sister; not even Rufus’s waffles can fix that sitch.

I’m just hoping the rumors are true and Little J won’t be returning much next season. I just wonder how they’re going to get rid of her. Will she go on a post-Nate bender and be sent off to rehab? Will she run back into Damien’s arms, finally do the deed and get pregnant with his drug baby? Will Rufus and Lily get divorced, sending Jenny back to Brooklyn where she’s so embarrassed she packs up her extensions and black eye shadow and skips town?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. At this point, the only things I’m certain about when it comes to Gossip Girl is that Blair will never wear a pleather jacket again, Chuck will always wear that pinkie ring and Rufus will always remain Lily’s little bitch.

I just want to meet him already. Then I want to reach into the TV and smack him for somehow creating the two most self-centered, annoying women in New York. (And that’s saying a lot, considering The Real Housewives exist…) I am finding it harder and harder to like Serena this season (especially when she does that weird thing with her hair like she did for Dorota and Vanya’s wedding), and it is clear she’s inherited her worst qualities from her hard-to-please mother. Honestly, if Serena didn’t wear that ridiculously awesome necklace to the wedding last night, I’d have written her off completely.

Those van der Woodsen women need a big can of whoop ass, and I hope they open it soon.

But let’s stop talking about them for a moment and get to the real Cartier-wearing white elephant in the room: Blair and Chuck. I was dragged into their lives by my heartstrings the moment the show began and my heart hurt until the very end. (Although that could have something to do with the McDonald’s breakfast I had….) I’ve never had a guy trade me for a hotel (I think?), but I have woken up after a break up and had that moment when I realized that it wasn’t just a nightmare and that the pain was very real. And it is the worst. I immediately hurt for Blair (but don’t think I didn’t notice how perfect her hair looks when she’s moping….), but I also couldn’t help but hurt for Chuck.

The entire episode I was torn. One minute I was screaming, “Take him back, Blair – you two are perfect for each other!” and the next I was seething, “Walk away, Blair – that boy needs to learn a lesson.” (At one point I also grabbed a broom and hit my ceiling while yelling at my neighbors to stop River Dancing upstairs and interrupting my show.) But it didn’t really matter what I wanted, obviously; Blair made her choice and Chuck found some Eastern European giant to seduce in his empire.

And then I cried.

At least we had a somewhat happy ending that put a little pep back into my step. Two, actually. Not only did Vanya and Dorota tie the knot, but we had a little gay love connection for Eric. Yeah, I’d prefer it if both of those boys used a little less product in their hair, but there’s nothing cuter than two high school boys in love. I guess if I can’t have my weekly dose of Chuck and Blair, an adorable gay couple will do.

I’d like to take this opportunity to give a big “welcome back!” to Gossip Girl’s former glory. Maybe it’s because last night’s episode was going up against the NCAA National Championship game, but those writers pulled out all the stops and it was good. No, it was really effing good. It had more ups and downs than the game and it even brought me to tears at one point. (Though, full disclosure, the ending of the game did too.)

Can we please just talk about Chuck and Blair? OMG it was intense. I swear when Blair confronted him when she got back from the hotel, I didn’t breathe for a full minute. I mean, I knew there would be scandal surrounding this potential tryst with creepy Uncle Jack, this is Gossip Girl after all, but I never in my wildest imaginations thought Chuck would be the one pulling all the strings. And maybe that’s why Chuck did it; he was sick of people not expecting something like that from him.

But to risk losing Blair, who looked so hot in that dress I would have given up a hotel for her, for a business? And then to fully expect that she’d get over that and come back to him? What a pompous a-hole. I swear, if I were Blair I would have done more than just slap him across the face; I probably would have added a little something about how dumb his ascots look. Obviously we all love Chuck’s manipulative ways and arrogance – it’s part of what makes him sexy, in addition to that chiseled face and those sexy suits – but this was just too much. When Blair cried, I cried. Hard. Both for their relationship and for the fact that we may not get anymore Chuck Bass makeout scenes in the near future.

Sigh. I can’t even think about it anymore. Let’s talk about something else.

Like Jenny Humphrey who, once again, is inching toward the dark side. She was good for a whole 6 minutes between last week and this week so it was obviously time to do something stupid again. Like pull a Queen B and drum up and evil plan to steal her hot step-sister’s boyfriend. I’ll admit, Jenny looked super cute in that fedora and it was pretty adorbs when she got Nate the ice cream sundae for his birthday, but the girl is dumb. Has she really thought this through at all? What if she somehow convinces Nate to dump his super hot and devoted girlfriend who plans the most awesome birthday party ever and with whom he has seriously steamy sex, to date her?

SHE LIVES WITH SERENA. Does she think that is going to work out? That they’ll live happily ever after? Honestly, I am dunzo with Jenny. Why don’t we bring Erik back for more than 3 episodes a season and ship Little J off to live with some other UES family. Like with Ramona from The Real Housewives; they deserve each other. Or maybe she could run off with Uncle Jack; they’re a match made in manipulative heaven. Well, minus the whole “she’s only 16 and that would be really gross” factor.

At least there was some goodness to celebrate in last night’s ep. Not only was Dorota back and hilarious as usual (I don’t know if it’s that accent or the apron, but I can’t get enough of that woman), but she’s engaged! And Erik’s got a boy who loves him! And Rufus uses Bing instead of Google when searching for Polaroid film online! (Way to go with the product placement, writers!) And the episode was over with plenty of time to flip back over to the basketball game…. and then watch my favored team lose.

OK, so that last part wasn’t so great, but at least we have a doorman/housekeeper wedding to look forward to next week. Unfortch, I don’t think Blair will be catching that bouquet.

I was “the good kid” growing up. I did well in school, I had a job, I was in a youth group, on my high school’s yearbook staff, tutored underprivileged kids…. the list goes on. Towards the end of my Junior year I was sick of my role and wanted to change things up a bit – to try something totally new and totally not me. I wanted to be bad. So I went to my friend’s house, smoked a lot of pot, ate 2 bags of Doritos while watching a movie, came home 2 hours past my curfew…. and puked orange in my mom’s prized powder room while I swore never to touch a bong again.

And what happened? I confessed it all to my parents and they didn’t care. In fact, they were happy I’d gone out with friends and “let loose for the night.”

My point is that my parents are awesome it’s impossible to go from good kid to bad kid to good kid as frequently and quickly as one Ms. Jenny Humphrey. One day she’s a sweet girl from Brooklyn with a sewing machine and the next she’s dropping out of school and trying to make it as a fashion designer. Then she realizes the error of her ways and becomes the good girl again, but not for long, because soon she’s taking over as Queen Bee, stepping on anyone who gets in her way. Then she’s nice again. Then she’s dating a drug dealer, sewing pills onto bolero jackets and considering giving up her v-card…. and then she’s suddenly the good girl once again who, of course, can whip up a couture frock 2 hours before a fashion show, get her dream job, and recover from being heavily drugged just in time to come home and run into her dad.

Whew.

I know the ‘Gossip Girl’ writers are just trying to stir the pot, but can we give Jenny one personality and stick with it, please? I’m getting winded just trying to keep up. It’s like The United States of Tara up in here, or something. If they want some drama, break up boring Serena and Nate. Yes, they do have the hottest, steamiest, sexiest sex scenes on the show…..

…….

Wait. Sorry. My imagination got the best of me for a moment. Where was I?

Oh yes. Serena and Nate. So, they do have some hot sex scenes and they are a cute couple, but their relationship is more boring than Dan and Vanessa’s ramen dates. Maybe it’s time to take the focus off of Little J and ruin things for some other people on the show. We haven’t had much Nate drama since his dad went to jail and he was sleeping with some hot, old lady. Let’s turn the focus back on him. Preferably shirtless….

But enough about the kiddies, let’s talk real drama. As in Chuck’s mama drama. I mean, she is his mom, right? I don’t even know what to believe anymore, but I do know that I can’t believe any woman could ever love Jack Bass. Not only is he scheming and evil, but he has a goatee! And he always talks in that creepy “I’m trying to lure underage girls to my windowless van” sorta voice. A voice that apparently also works to turn mothers against their sons, pushing them out onto the mean streets of New York City. Or, er, the dirty dorms of NYU.

Does this mean Chuck Bass has nothing left (besides his infamous pinky ring)? Is he penniless? Is his creepy uncle lounging on his couch, in his hotel, wearing his three-piece suits/ascots, drinking his scotch? I’m cringing just thinking about it. I’ve grown to love (not just lust after) Chuck this season and it kills me to see him so down and out. Who is Chuck Bass without all that money?

Hopefully we won’t have to find out. It looks like Blair’s got a little trick up her sleeve (or skirt) to help her beloved regain his empire. I’m just praying her plan doesn’t backfire and push her and Chuck apart.

Actually, that would make for some really good GG dramz. OMG, I can’t wait for next week!