I really don’t think Jennifer Lopez has aged at all in the last 15 years. It’s absolutely phenomenal. I’m pretty sure she could still show up to an award show in a dress like this and absolutely make everyone else comparatively speaking look like hideous trolls. She must exfoliate with diamonds and the blood of dolphins.

Alas, the rest of the magazine wasn’t nearly as festive as J.Lo or her boobs. It’s, of course, holiday themed, and I don’t know about you, but when I think of holidays I think of stress, excessive consumerism, disappointments, and drama. So yes, I’m a total Grinch. All of these articles making it sound like a perfect holiday season is actually attainable just made me cranky and cynical.

What also made me cranky? Glamour got a dude (a writer from The Daily Show) to respond to readers’ inquiries as to why men do what they do, and I think most of his answers are sugarcoated and avoid the root of the problem.

Glamour says: Men say they want space when they wish to return to a time when they had no responsibility for someone’s life or happiness but their own.
Jasmine says: Basically, it means “I don’t like you, and have no interest in pursuing a future with you.”

Glamour says: Men don’t like it when you show interest because it makes them feel like they’re obligated to you.
Jasmine says:  Men who are all over you when you’re busy but then disappear as soon as you’re available like to play games and derive enjoyment from knowing they have “power.” As soon as you assert yourself, they run away like the insecure losers that they are.

Glamour says: Your ex-boyfriends stay in contact with you because they want you to still have a favorable impression.
Jasmine says: In essence, they still want to keep you as a potential hookup option, but they don’t actually want to go through the work of respecting you, being there for you, or having any kind of obligation to you as a person.

Glamour says: Men pretend they don’t like you when their friends are around because they don’t want to appear whipped.
Jasmine says: Or because they’re assholes.

1. Justin Timerlake hosting: JT on Saturday Night Live is the best thing since sliced bread. He wasn’t even in The Lonely Island performance! Yeah he won the Emmy for Guest Actor in a Comedy Series, but I was expecting him to at least be there. JT was no where to be found. I think Jane Lynch was good, though I’d rather her played the host role as Sue Sylvester instead. You hear that Emmy Academy? JT for 2012 host!

2. Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher throw down: While the MaSheen kept it classy like San Diego, it would have been pretty awesome to see a fight between him and Ashton instead of Jimmy Fallon vs. Jimmy Kimmel. Charlie is trying to clean up his act, but a shirtless Michael Kelso fighting over tiger blood would have been much appreciated.

3. Modern Family wouldn’t have won every.single.thing: I love Modern Family, it’s hilarious. But it was one of those situations where you start to hate that movie that wins all of the Oscars. Same thing. I’m not saying they didn’t deserve their awards, but I wanted to see some other shows get credit where it’s due as well.

4. Kate Winslet would have kissed everyone: I don’t think anyone was shocked when Kate kissed Mildred Pierce costar, Guy Pearce, since she always kisses those in her vicinity. How awesome would it have been for her to go all Britney and Madonna and plant one on Claire Danes and Hugh Laurie?

5. Steve Carrell would have finally won: I can’t get over the fact that Steve Carrell didn’t win an Emmy after his final season on The Office. I’m really bitter about it. He’s been nominated every year, and the man is beyond deserving as I’m pretty sure he actually is Michael Scott in real life.

6. The Lonely Island would replace The Emmytunes: I can’t tell you how much I obsess over Zachary Levi and Colbie Smulders, but the Emmytunes were awkward and totes unnecessary. I really wasn’t sure of the purpose of that song group, but I know if The Lonely Island were singing during those weird moments in the show it would have actually been funny.

7. Entourage would have at least been nominated for something: Where was love for Vince, Drama, Turtle, E, and Ari? With it being the year of their last season, I expected one nomination. Sure, the boys will be back for the movie soon, but this was the end! I loved seeing them walk on stage in true Entourage fashion, though I would have rather them all been holding shiny gold trophies.

8. The Colbert Report would have upset The Daily Show: Do I watch both of these in place of real news? Absolutely. The Daily Show always wins, and if you couldn’t tell it was a running joke throughout the awards. How great would it have been if The Colbert Report actually took a win from The Daily Show? Beyond amazing.

9. There would have been more pageantry: One of my favorite parts of the night was when all of our favorite funny ladies mocked pageants and sauntered on stage, waiting for their crowning moment. Impromptu silliness like that is what separates the Emmys from other awards shows. The Emmys are supposed to be fun and outrageous, which is why that bit was so funny.

10. Christina Hendricks boobs would have been even bigger: Seriously girlfriend, you’re foxy. But I feel like you’re going to crumble under the weight of your ta-tas.

And we’ve got proof.

The best self-tanning products of 2010.

Sweat-proof foundation? Gimme gimme.

5 reasons why America is the best place to date.

Wait…Cristiano Ronaldo is a baby daddy??

I’m all about accessories, but these are a bit much….

Didn’t you know Lindsay Lohan was British?

This might be worse than PDA.

Keira Knightley gets booby for Chanel.

Finish your summer in fabulous style.

Tyra Banks wants to buy your love.

Jon Stewart is totally crushing on Tim Gunn.

Understand the economy with Chris Farley movies

At last, something to do with your ex’s testicles once you cut them off

Celeb camel toe AND mom jeans alert

Disney on Depressants

Howard Stern ties the knot, Mr. Kelly Ripa officiates, celebrities now control the universe

Britney channels the other Madonna

Diddy is afraid of Palin

It’s official, Kate Moss has a golden vajayjay

The sham is almost over…

Dita Von Always Looks Awesome

St. Tyra declaws a catfight

Holly finally realized Hef is old

We spent so much time checking out the fashion from last night’s Emmy Awards that we almost forgot about da boys. And boy did they look goooooood.

There were the usual drool-worthy dudes – John Stewart, David Boreanaz, Adrien Grenier, Patrick Dempsey, (and hottie newcomer John Hamm) – and then there were the surprises. The guys who were always so-so, but somehow looked so good last night that we wanted to hump the flat screen.

My favorite: Jeremy Piven.

Second Best: Josh (normally nerdy) Groban.

I don’t know if it was Piven’s 5 o’clock shadow or Groban’s charming little smile, but these guys looked really f–ing good. Better than the rest. Yes, even John Krasinski.

Which sexy celeb did you prefer?

I’d like to take this opportunity (5:30pm on a Tuesday sitting in a Starbucks…) to thank the techie gods for these five technological innovations I can’t imagine my life without:

1) The Laptop – I wouldn’t even be here, sitting in this Starbucks at 5:30pm on a Tuesday if it weren’t for the laptop. Mine is a black MacBook. It’s light, sleek, fast, and now that I’ve got a new battery, it holds a five-hour charge. As a writer I can’t even imagine what it must have been like to have to write papers, even novels, on typewriters. Writing a page and then realizing that there was a spelling error? The horror! Being stuck in a home office or computer lab in order to use a desktop computer? Never again!

2) The Cell Phone – My current cell is a black Motorola Razr (it matches my laptop, which was an accident), and even though I can call, text, and surf (the very slow) Internet, I can’t wait until my plan is up in September so I can upgrade to a new phone. There are so many phones now with speedy Internet capabilities, music players, digital cameras, even video cameras, you often only need this one tiny piece of plastic to get you through your day.

3) TiVo – Very few people I know actually own a TiVo machine, but most have a digital video recorder and we can thank TiVo for that. Now I get to start my day with The Daily Show and a cup of coffee, instead of having to end my evening that way. I can skip through the commercials for dishwashing liquid while watching Good Eats on the Food Network. And I can re-watch the season finale of Lost to try and figure out what the hell is going on with that wacky island. I never want to be tied down to a programming schedule or (gasp!) a VHS tape-recorded show, again.

4) The iPod – The iPhone has a music player and the iPod Touch has Internet capabilities, but I’ll take a regular iPod (now called an “iPod classic” That was fast!) any day. My life is richer now that I can walk to the subway station in New York listening to Of Montreal, and when I get in my car in Los Angeles, I scroll through my iPod to find the perfect song to drive to the beach to (Len’s “Steal My Sunshine” is a personal, pop favorite). I now have a soundtrack to my life and I can’t imagine my life without it.

5) Bluetooth – This is both a physical thing and a magical data transmission thing. I’m thankful for both. Physical Bluetooth devices, like the earpiece I carry in my car, are a life saver for two reasons: 1) I won’t kill myself while driving, and 2) I won’t get a $50 ticket now that California has a new non-handheld cell phone law. And I’m thankful for the magical powers of Bluetooth that can’t be seen, which help me to get photos from my laptop to my cell phone and visa versa. Now embarrassing photos of my sister are always around to share at the next family reunion.

Since it’s not a physical thing, I didn’t include Facebook on this list, but I think it deserves an honorable mention. There’s no reason to ever fall out of touch with someone now. I’ve got friends on Facebook that I haven’t seen since I was eight, friends that I see almost every day, and even an ex-boyfriend (or two) so I know when he has a new girlfriend (Ouch! They look so happy together! What a douchebag!). (Editor’s Note: And we can happily stalk people without ever being discovered!) It’s both a blessing and a curse, but one that I could never do without.

[Photo courtesy of pcworld.com]

Indeed, those are big shoes to fill, as my previous piece, which introduces the mastermind(s) behind the Office indicates. (Despite my focus on Gervais, he shouldn’t be given all the credit, as Stephen Merchant was also the co-creator of the Office and their hit series on HBO, Extras).

THE VERDICT: FIRST IMPRESSIONS AREN’T ALWAYS CORRECT

I’ll be the first to admit, when I watched the first few episodes of the American Office, my leeriness was confirmed. Jim (played by the now famous John Krasiniski, a native – like the writer/actor of the show B.J. Novak – of Newton, MA) just parroted Tim (Martin Freeman), and as a mere mimicker of the British actor, I wasn’t impressed. It was worse for Carell, however, as he was taking on Gervais’s role. All eyes were on him. While Gervais received gushing praise (one critic, as I mentioned previously, lauded, “the show is perfect.”), American TV critics, not surprisingly, reviewed Carell’s initial performance with either tepid (ahem) approval or outright despair, the latter bemoaning the fact that he was channeling Gervais and in a decidedly not-so-subtle manner.

One EW reviewer, expressed similar misgivings as I had, stating, “the first episode’s script was a near-verbatim copy of the British pilot. While character names were changed, the archetypes remained the same: Carell’s boorish Michael futilely tries to prove he’s the funniest man — and coolest boss — alive.”

In slightly more flattering terms, a critic of the NY Times observed, while the show “pales in comparison [to the BBC version], [it] is still funnier than any other new network sitcom.” But that’s not saying much, as most American sitcoms have lowered their bar of standards so close to the ground, people these days think lukewarm, G-rated, cutesy humor is good, if not fabulous.

That’s perhaps a bit harsh, as the British – historically speaking – have been the dominant King of sharp wit, fantastic satire, and biting parody. One sees these developments, for instance, in their love of caricatures (connected to sex, of course), a “low-brow” art from that has flourished for centuries on the that quirky island. (And we should not forget what the UK offered us, good fare for those who hunger for a good laugh, in more recent times, i.e. the domineering geniuses behind Monty Python, notwithstanding the sole American in that bunch, Terry Gilliam).

Regardless of this baggage, handed to Carell from across “the pond,” he stepped into the mix, quite boldly. Playing Michael Scott, the American manager of Dunder Mufflin, a paper supply company located in Scranton, PA, and along with a remarkable cast of new, fresh humorists, the Office has grown remarkably since its first show. Although I stated that there are similarities, thanks to this cast of highly talented actors and writers, it has meandered into a different realm of satire, equally as jarring, funny, and uncomfortable. In so doing, it stands apart from the original version.

Let’s turn now to the first season of the American version.

To be continued…

My TV watching habits are pretty well documented. You guys know that I watch at least two (pretty bad) reality shows and that I never got into “Sex and the City.” But I do like good shows with real writing, like “Lost”, “South Park” and “The Daily Show.”

Do I have any right to declare that a show is so terrible that even I cannot watch it? I think so. I mean, I’ve seen episodes of “Ice Road Truckers.” Freaking “Ice Road Truckers.” I am aware that I watch crap.

And given that love for crap TV, it might surprise you to learn that I never watched “A Shot at Love” when it was on MTV. For real. It was too fake for me and I never thought that a show would come along that was too sh*tty and fake for me. I mean, this is ME.

Now enter “That’s Amore.”

Domenico, il uomo who was rejected by Tila-not-really-bi-had-a-boyfriend-the-whole-time Tequila, apparently grew such fan base on her show that he got his own.

And this show is the suckiest suck that ever sucked. Vergognoso means disgraceful in Italian.

I am Italian; like my parents are off the boat. I’ve been to Italy and I’ve been exposed to the accents and the men enough to know this: Domenico is probably some kid from Jersey named Dominick whose grandparents are from Brooklyn and who’s trying to see how far he can take this reality shows scam.

It takes a lot to offend me and I mean a whole lot. Like you really have to try in order to get under my skin. When all of those Italian American groups were protesting “The Sopranos” and my un-Italian friends asked me what I thought about it, I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn’t insulted.

Stereotypes exist for a reason; I’ll be the first to admit it. When I was in high school, if people asked me if my dad was in the mafia, I lied and said yes. It made them wary of me and I liked that. But so what if you think that we’re loud and we talk with our hands and whatever else? I don’t care. I’m loud and I talk with my hands. I’m cool with that.

But THIS show – I cannot effing take it.

I watched the first episode – not on purpose. But my husband, who is so not Italian, heard some Italian music while I was channel surfing and was curious so he asked me to go back to MTV. I obliged.

The girls were riding in a red, white and green stretch escalade. When they pulled up to it, the house was illuminated in three parts using red, white and green light. The foyer was done in marble or some faux-marble finish since we greaseballs looooves us some marble. Oh, you know what else we love? Hanging cured meat. It was featured next to the girls’ heads while they were being interviewed.

I didn’t say anything as I watched the first fifteen minutes of this show; my husband did all of the reacting. He cackled and through the laughter would say things like, “Did you see the car?…Look at the lights on the house…Your parents love marble…I’ve seen the meat hanging in that room in your parents house.” Then he’d laugh some more.

Unblinking, with sort of wide eyes and a mouth that I couldn’t close, I looked at my husband sort of dazed. As the fake ass un-“Tarantella” played in the background he said, “I’m insulted for you” and I changed the channel.

My husband watched another episode where the girls had to pose like sculptures while holding bunches of grapes. I heard that cackle again when I was in the shower; he again was so insulted for me. Liar.

And I would probably find this to be so hilarious and re-capable if I didn’t doubt the kid’s authenticity regarding his Italian status. Because these tramps are fake (are there any girls left in the state of Pennsylvania or are they all on this show?) and the drama is hilariously forced but Domenico, oh my God, can you show me your immigration papers or your passport? Because until then, I declare you a faker.

When I was in Milan over the summer, people didn’t understand how I could be married for over a year and not have children. Because there they seemed to have the kid and then decide to get married. Any sense of traditional values that these girls think are embodied in their “Domenico” – well, go to Italy yourselves and see that it’s not happening over there, girls.

…And his hesitation in touching the breasts that one of the girls presented to him in the kitchen (please don’t ask because I don’t know) – that was fake. I don’t know an Italian man from Italy who wouldn’t have jumped all over that.

So yeah, this show sucks. Please don’t watch it. Or if you do, would you please pretend for me that you won’t?

Thanks.

The Emmy Awards

My faves?

Katherine Heigl and Ali Larter for the ladies, and, really, most of the guys looked pretty damn good.

But maybe I’m just super bias and dream of having a dirty foursome with the original men of The Daily Show. So what?

But, of course, beyond the glitz, glamor and fabulous bright colors (and shots of PR reps accidentally looking into cameras) this year, there were major fashion mishaps.

What award show wouldn’t be complete without WTF-were-they-thinking touches, such as unnecessary one-boob dresses or confusing frumpiness or crap hairdo’s from the ’50′s? You’d get one pretty disappointing awards show, if you ask me.

Oh and about that foursome? Make it a five-some.

See the red carpet looks after the jump.

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