I had a lot of nightmares as a kid. Thanks to these nightmares and various frightening films I’ve developed a hilarious set of OCD habits such as opening and closing closet doors before sleeping and checking behind the shower curtain before I saddle up to the toilet (you laugh but one day someone is gonna be in there and then who’s the dumb one!)

My imagination is easily inspired. For a while I couldn’t even watch a commercial for a horror movie because I knew those 30 seconds were enough to create an entire world of horrific fantasy that I’d be trapped inside for the rest of the evening. The one thing more unnerving then horror characters and sharks (I don’t swim in the ocean, at all, ever) is muppets.

Not all muppets, Kermit is fine, Fozzy, whatever. I’m talking about those LSD muppets that creators slip in films and TV shows, mixed with other cute, lovable creatures. They lure you in with Grover and then BAM, some abomination walks onto the screen that’s burned into your mind forever. Some horribly disfigured, warbly voiced monstrosity that may as well be drenched in blood, because thats how you’ll remember them, regardless.

Here’s five of the worst perpetrators. Read More »

During a conversation with the roommate about The Labyrinth, one of my most favorite movies ever, I realized that even though I think it’s amazingly fantastic now (David Bowie in riding pants singing with a bunch of puppets? I would like to kiss the person who thought that scene up!), it scared the bejezus out of me when I was younger.

I’m not sure how and when I first saw it, but I distinctly remember walking by the VHS whenever my mom would bring me to the movie store, trying to figure out if the person on the box was a man or a woman. Just looking at the cover gave me a strange feeling, but once I was actually exposed to the film, it’s weirdness was too much for my young mind—and made me cry. Why was this man—who wore make-up—trying to get this obviously much younger girl to marry him? Why were those furry red guys taking off their heads?! And how could I be sure those goblins wouldn’t appear in MY room after the movie ended??!

The 80’s was full of many things; horrendous fashion choices, yuppies, economical excess, but the only thing I truly remember from that era were kiddie films that scared the living shit out of me. Here’s a list of some of those movies. Let me know if you’re currently talking about them in therapy as well.

• Moonwalker – this isn’t really a movie as much as it is a Michael Jackson fest (which some people would think is scary enough), but there’s this movie-like part where he’s being chased by some bad men and trying to save some kids at the same time. I don’t know. It made me feel strange. Really strange.

• The Dark Crystal – Jim Henson must have been doing more than just weed to come up with this story. To this day I have a hard time watching clips on YouTube. It’s just so dark and creepy and full of weird looking muppet monsters (some of whom die. Hello. I’m 7 years old. I’m not ready to deal with my mortality.)…I mean, how are you supposed to react when even the good guys look that things that could live in your closet? Read More »