Hi there, Dude!

First of all, your answer to the girl who found porn on her boyfriend’s computer was absolutely outstanding. I found out about my boyfriend’s porn a year into our beautiful relationship. I too was crushed, for I also felt as if I were “not good enough”. My boyfriend tried to explain to me that it had nothing to do with me, and of course… feeling a bit insecure, I overreacted. It took me a while, and a bunch of “Googling” to find out that guys are just complete wankers– and I am now glad to accept that fact.
I just have one underlying question and I don’t know who to ask. Here goes:

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Standards. Expectations. Rules. Boundaries. Ideals. We all have a variety of personal principles that we like to use to reject people that show some…interest, in us. There are tons of different excuses we come up with. The question really becomes, which ones are rational and which ones are just batsh*t crazy? Where’s the line between legitimate reasons to tell a guy to go back to the time void and when are we just being ridiculously picky? Coming at this issue from the female side, I present you with 11 of the DUMBEST reasons y’all turn down guys:

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Alright, thus concludes my tirade. Anything remind you of an incident in your life? Am I off base? Did I miss any? We all have our petty reasons to reject someone flat off. Doesn’t make it right. Doesn’t mean we’ll change. We could if we really worked hard enough, but Generation-Y kind of got skipped on the whole work ethic thing…a lot of them anyway. Next time on Dude’s List we’ll flip this coin take it from the boys’ side. Get your latex gloves ready…

On the bubble,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Remember when you got rejected by some snot-nosed brat named Brad because you had a pimple on your forehead and your mom told you he was an idiot and looks don’t matter. She was lying, partly. Looks matter, whether we like it or not.

This isn’t a fat/thin kind of thing. So take your head out of that dark and periled pit filled with Weeping Angels and Halls of Mirrors. Beauty really is subjective, despite whatever environmental standards may have been implanted on our subconscious. But make no mistake, beauty counts when attracting the beasts and the princes alike. When you interact with someone for the first time what do you do? You look at them. And if you don’t like what you’re looking at, things are a bit more uphill from there, aren’t they?

This is a common sense article. Do you give guys a second look if what you see isn’t appealing? Don’t pretend you don’t judge some books by their covers. Everyone does! And that’s okay. It’s natural. “Shiny, good!” We all f*cking do it. No reason to be hypocritical and claim to be immune to such primal determining of potential mates. Read More »

Dear Dude,

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from Michigan, which is where all of his family and friends are. We recently moved in with each other. He told me in the beginning that he had a lot of female friends and if I had a problem with it that we wouldn’t work out. That was fine for me because I also have male friends.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend of three years contacted him. He used to say that he couldn’t stand her and wanted nothing to do with her because she did him so wrong. Now every time he tries to show me something on his phone, I see a text message or the last call is from his ex. It’s not as if it’s a friend that has kept in touch with for a long time over the years, it’s an ex he couldn’t stand and now all of the sudden they have this friendship.

It really does bother me, but I feel like I can’t say anything because he said if he can’t have female friends then he and I won’t work out. He was almost engaged to this person and brags about how they never used to fight. This is making me feel very insecure. What do I do?

Thanks!

Dear…Stormageddon (When you don’t provide a pseudonym I get to make up my own!)

There’s not wanting to make him think you can’t handle the situation and then there’s not handling the situation. Right now, it sounds like you’re dangerously close to falling off the edge here.

I’ll present you with a simple choice to make: either destroy your relationship by driving yourself crazy, or run the risk of driving him crazy, which, honestly, you won’t do if you TALK TO HIM!

Everybody all together now: communication is key. It’s such a simple but essential guideline maintaining a healthy relationship or rescuing one that’s trapped in a Pandorica of emotional baggage. You’ve got to talk about what’s bothering you. And so long as you do it with clarity when you approach him, you’re not going to trip his trigger.

You being upset about him getting back on friendly terms with an ex he led you to believe he couldn’t stand isn’t the same as being upset that he has female friends. Apples and nectarines. Make that clear with him. It’s not about “women” in his life, it’s confusion and insecurity due to the contradiction of what he says and does with regards to her. That’s where it’s coming from, he looks suspicious because he says one thing but is doing another and, yeah, I’d get edgy if I were you, too. Hiding it is only going to make things worse.

Why’s he talking to an ex he claims he couldn’t stand? Because guys will do that. Sorry to sound general but, yeah, we do that. We have communication with our exes who pulverized our hearts into a million bazillion pieces. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, wanting to get some closure and not feel like we wasted our feelings on a complete bitch, that we want to come off as the bigger person, and on rare occasion because there are those lingering feelings we like to keep a bit of a tie to. Let’s face it, we’ve all got people from our past that we still have a “what if” thought about at times. And this could be that person for him. And you may have to deal with that. Or not. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Don’t drive yourself to the nunnery because you bottle up your worries. Be clear, decisive and honest. Then, listen. You may not like the answer but at the very least you’ll make him aware that you’re upset and why you’re upset. At the worst, you’ll have to deal with his behavior and deal with his insecurity. The choice is yours.

Mission Accepted,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

Here’s the situation: about a year ago I lost my virginity to this guy, let’s call him Charlie. I had started to fall in love with him a while before that, but the problem was that he was dating my cousin, let’s call her Carla, and they had been together for about a year. We started talking and hooking up occasionally (no sex) until last December she found out. They broke up and then a few days after that I had sex with him, which Carla also found out about. Charlie and I started seeing each other on a regular basis for about a month or two until I left for a month of vacation. When I came back they had gotten back together, but we still slept together anyways. In February we finally ended our physical relationship, but still kept talking on a regular basis. He was back with Carla and I was completely devastated. In March I met my current boyfriend and decided I was going to get over Charlie and I cut him off from my life in every way for about two months, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, which eventually led to talking and hooking up again. Read More »

There’s an old joke/myth/we-hope-it’s-a-myth that a woman learns everything about a guy within 5 minutes of meeting him to decide whether or not she’ll f*ck him. Well, guess what, ladies? We can learn a lot about you in 5 minutes, too! Whatever you think you’re revealing, there just might be a few things you’re putting out that you may not even be aware of. But we’re aware of it. Here’re 11 things we notice within 5 minutes of meeting you:

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5 minutes can tell you everything you’ll need to know about a person…regarding whether you can stand to spend another 5 minutes with them. But beyond the obvious physical traits, there’s a lot to be discerned, deciphered and delved into. Every guy has things he automatically looks to identify when he first meets someone. And every guy’s tendencies are different. What I’ve given you is a playful taste. Don’t be surprised if you see a Part II of this Dude’s List somewhere down the line. But now I want to hear you turn the tables. What can you tell about us in the first 5 minutes?

Tick, tick, tick,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Hey Dude!

I have known this guy for six years now and we dated for the first four. We stopped talking to each other after we broke up and we didn’t see each other for almost two years. The break up was just because we grew apart and were going in different directions in our lives (at the time). Other than that, we had a pretty good relationship.

Recently, we reconnected at a mutual friend’s party and we started dating again. The first couple of weeks were cool because all those old feelings we had for each other started coming back, and we were really passionate with each other. Then he lets me know that there’s this girl he’s been friends with for the two years we weren’t together and he has feelings for her…but also has feelings for me. However, this girl’s basically friend-zoned the sh*t out of him. She’s one of those “attention-whores.” She leads guys on and never takes them seriously. This is something he’s also realized himself.

So after this, I’ll be honest, I was kind of hurt, but I told him I was cool with it. We weren’t in a relationship or anything, so there wasn’t anything I could b*tch about.

Lately, our sex life’s been pretty much dead. I’m a very sexual person and not a selfish lover, so I basically throw myself at the guy and he makes excuses or just “isn’t all there” during sex, rendering it pointless.

I don’t know what to do. I love him. I never stopped loving him. But now, I’m feeling like he’s not reciprocating. Where do I go from here?

Thanks so much,

Beckz

Dear Beckz,

To quote Xena when she rescued Hercules from a mob that was beating him after believing he killed his wife, “the time when we could be together has past.” Devastating to fandom everywhere but unfortunately applicable to your situation.

The bottom line is that he says he cares about you, and I’m sure he does care about you, but there’s another woman. Right now you’re in a position where you’re at the whim of his choice, well, her choice in fact. If this other girl were to give him a chance, would he bail on you? That’s the question you’ve got to ask yourself. Because, to an extent, it sounds like he’s settling for you. He just doesn’t sound ready to be with you and may never be. So, what can you do?

First, you absolutely can b*tch about this. In fact, you might need to. Do you have a relationship claim? No. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and if you’re in pain you’ve got the right to express that pain (just don’t commit a felony in how you choose to unleash it).

Second, you can make a decision: fight or flight. To fight would mean to sit him down and tell him what you want. Flight involves you cutting your losses. Of course, recon is a third option…

Wait and see. You can always keep things as they are and react accordingly. That’s also a recipe for getting your heart pureed. Still, it’s an option. If you’re patient enough to see how things play out a bit then by all means go for it. The fact you’re writing in leads me to believe you’re reaching your make-it or break-it point. And why the Hell not?

He’s down in the dumps over another woman and you’re caught in the wake of his being rejected. Where he’s at emotionally and mentally is not where you’re at. You’ve either got to find a page you both can get on or start reading another book. Things have shifted in the two years you’ve been apart and you’ve got to shift with them. Don’t let his indecision and baggage bog you down into something that has the potential to lop you off at the weak knees.

Rolling with the motion of the ocean,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

A relationship often requires a bit of sacrifice and a lot of compromise. We all have to learn to accept and roll with aspects of our partner, or his/her life, that we don’t always understand or necessarily agree with. That’s called maturity, right? And building intimacy? I think…Now, those things aside there comes a point where you might just need to say “Hell no!” and walk off into the freedom of singledom again. Here are 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship… Read More »

Dear Dude,

I love your column. Read it every week. I’m just curious about the “dude” insight on my situation, because it’s so complicated, like…I can’t even.

My story: I am newly single after a year long semi-hellish long distance relationship. Not really looking for anything serious, a little jaded, but if I met someone who I thought was good enough I wouldn’t turn and run away from it. I’m a big believer in the “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy that if a dude really wants to date/be committed to someone, he will. That was until I met this guy.

He’s 23, I’m only 20, and we met at a party about a month ago. We always have a great time together, and uh…well the hooking up is nice (read: amazing). I mean it’s at the point where he just assumes I’m staying the night if I come over. After our first time hanging out, he mentioned that he’s all “dead inside” and basically turned off to the idea of dating right now because some vapid woman broke his heart a year and a half ago, and at the time so was I – I mean my ass had just got dumped. I wanted to be a single hot mess for a while, but the constant texting/hanging out is leaving me very confused. Plus, I’m like – dude it’s been a year and a half, it’s time to get over it. Read More »

Breasts, mammaries, ta-tas, bazooms, melons, watermelons, balloons, boobs, boobies, chesticles, rack, honkers, hooters, headlights, baby feeding devices, pillows, snugglers, smugglers, and PUPPIES!

More than the Tardis and the Intersect, breasts are the greatest creation on God’s green earth? No? F*ck you, yes they are. Stonehenge could crumble, sliced bread can eat me and space may be the final frontier, but sure as s*it ain’t my favorite. Or ANY heterosexual male’s favorite for that matter. Men are obsessed with breasts. We are. Accept it. I’m not saying you need to like it, but it’ll save you a world of wishing death if you admitted it. The question isn’t whether Bourbon St. at Mardi Gras is our heaven, the question is: Why?

Well, I’ve got a few theories swirling in my brain. First, I think we’ve got breast envy. That’s right, I said it! Men love boobs because we’re without. They’re just so much fun! All we get to play with are our pricks and that’s pretty limiting.

Part of me thinks it’s a power thing. Breasts hold sway over us. We know they dominate us, and that therefore entices and as frustrates us. Women are the dominant gender for SEVERAL reasons, and two of them are staring at our chest while our eyes try to steer upwards. Read More »