Labor day is all about spending the day thinking about how you don’t have work…if you’re a million years old. For those of us still in school, it’s all about going out hard on Sunday (ugh how strenuous was syllabus week, huh!?) and spending the day in your pajamas watching marathons all.day.long. And don’t even think about taking the effort to reach for that remote. Today is all about doing absolutely nothing. So that’s why we’ve put together this amazing list of every single marathon happening on Labor Day. Enjoy.

Oh and make sure not to get too many chip crumbs on your roomie’s Snuggie. She’ll never let you borrow it again.

Discovery Channel – Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe: So you’re feeling slightly depressed about your own job (or lack thereof) and you need the kind of “at least that’s not me” pick-me-up that can only come from watching a man crawl around in sewage for 8 hours. This is for you.

TLC – Little People, Big World: Need a change of scenery from your boring, ho hum life? How about looking at the world from 3 feet off the ground?

ABC Family – Secret Life of the American Teenager: Nothing says “Labor Day” quite like never ending teen pregnancy scares and fighting with your parents over curfew. For an entire day.

A & E – Hoarders: Honestly, I can’t imagine how anyone can watch more than 2 minutes of this show let alone an entire day’s worth. But if you like feeling nauseous and depressed, you’ll definitely want to keep your TV tuned in to A&E all day long.

Bravo – Real Housewives of New Jersey: If we needed a valid reason to watch this sh*tshow, it wouldn’t exist.

Disney – Suite Life on Deck: If you are feeling like you’re five again, why not check out Suite Life on Deck – and repeat after me, “I am still a grown up adult, I am still a grown up adult.”

Food Network – Semi-Homemade Cooking: Because the only way to get over the sting of not getting mom’s famous coleslaw is to watch food porn on the couch while munching on Chinese take-out.

FX – Two and a Half Men: Because there is no Jersey Shore marathon and apparently this show is funny.

Gameshow Network – Baggage: Stop worrying if your sext to your  T.A was inappropriate and focus on people who actually have real relationship issues. Like really real issues. They wouldn’t be on the Gameshow network if they were just messing around.

Hallmark – I Love Lucy: Sick of color TV? Craving the days when Snooki wasn’t being mentioned on every network? Well pull a Pleasantville and hunker down for a day of good old-fashioned fun. Old-fashioned being the key word. Lucy and Ricky manage to have a baby, yet never once talk about how that happened.

History – Pawn Stars: Throw the History Channel a bone. They’re trying so hard to be hip and fun and cool. It’s like watching your Mom log on to Facebook. You just can’t help but feel sorry for the old gal.

HGTV – House Hunters International: What’s that? You’ve seen every house in America! No worries, we’re going international!

Soap – Beverly Hills 90210: This is where it all began, people! Before Gossip Girl, The O.C. and the new (and crappy) 90210. Where we first learned how to deal with abusive boyfriends, cults, divorce, suicide, and what it’s like to be inexplicably rich and angsty. And, of course, there will be plenty of high waisted, acid washed jeans.

TBS – The Office: It wouldn’t be a long weekend without some major awkwardness (Michael Scott is on par with hooking up with someone on your floor) and some Scranton comedy.

TNT – Bones: If you have a slight craving for some modern Law & Order meets House (i.e. dark humor) and an excuse to feel like you uncovered a mystery per episode, tune into Bones.

Travel – Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations: Think Eat, Pray, Love + steroids – inhibitions and you have Anthony Bourdain’s food show. It’s revolting and appealing all at once. Not too much different than the thought of eating breakfast when you’re hungover.

TV Land – The Nanny: For the masochist in all of us.

U.S.A – N.C.I.S: The perfect show to flip to when your R.OT.C crush walks by the lounge. Other than that…we’re not sure why people under 50 turn this on.

VH1 – The T.O Show: Otherwise known as  “How NOT to Behave if you’re a human being.”

WE – Ghost Whisperer: Lost your Oujia board? No worries! Check out the show that’s making it possible for Jennifer Love Hewitt to keep her career.

Is there any girl out there who hasn’t waited a strategic amount of time to text back a guy they like? Who hasn’t flirted with someone else in front of him? Who hasn’t refrained from calling/texting/IMing because she didn’t want to seem desperate?

But where do we draw the line between seeming desperate and straight-up showing that you’re interested? It all gets very, very confusing, and that’s why I’m convinced dating is impossible without a little game-playing.

Think about it. When two people start hooking up or embark on a friends-with-benefits situation, neither is gonna blurt out everything on their mind. Those just aren’t the rules of the game. Actions speak louder than words, so we try to show, rather than say, what we feel. We consult their friends. We try to make them jealous. We primp for hours before running into them, only to play aloof and feign disinterest in our conversation. We’re anything but honest with each other, because we don’t want to seem vulnerable and risk getting hurt.

Just like in a real game, both parties want to have the upper-hand…and it gets complicated fast. In the beginning of a relationship, no one wants to ask the important questions about exclusivity and being “official,” so they play a little tug-of-war until one person caves.

I’ve even found that once you’re in a real relationship, the games don’t stop right away. You still play the who-calls-who first game, and the pretending-you’re-too-busy-for-a-date game, and every other game you deem necessary until you’re comfortable enough with each other to lay all your cards on the table.

Until, that is, one of you considers breaking up. Of course, you can’t tell the other party right away, so you play around to gauge their feelings on the situation. And then after the real breakup happens, it’s back to playing mind games every time you see each other.

We all claim to “hate the game,” but that’s just one big game, too. Let’s be real: we’re all just wishing we were better at it.

First let’s refer to page 82, in which we receive advice on what to name our guy’s man parts. I don’t even care that actual males suggested the names “Shaftzilla” and “Big Daddy’s Cane”; don’t you remember when Kate Hudson tried to name Matthew McConaughey’s parts Princess Sophia?! Please, ladies: don’t name his parts unless you’re trying to lose your guy in (less than) 10 days.

And then in the article “For Keeps” we are told to throw away our sweat pants if we want to make sure we don’t lose our sexual energy in relationships. WHAT?! THROW AWAY MY COVETED SWEATPANTS? A world without sweat pants would be a terrible, terrible place. I understand the whole idea here – sweatpants aren’t sexy – but no man is important enough for me to ditch that luxurious feeling of slipping into sweats after a long day. I say, don’t throw away your “anti-lingerie,” as Cosmo calls them, just be sure to mix a little lacy lingerie in there once in awhile.

Cosmo also tells us to ditch our panties to get an adrenaline rush from breaking the rules. I mean, I’m all for going commando (especially when it’s been three weeks since I last did my laundry….(, but whatever happened to good old bungee jumping? If you’re going without panties for comfort and freedom, then by all means ditch ‘em, but doing it for the rush is, well… strange.

I must say, however, that I was rather impressed with the advice given in “100 Relationship Questions Answered in 20 Words or Less.” Maybe it’s because they finally shut up and stopped overanalyzing, but the advice wasn’t too bad… at least for some of the questions. Some questions, on the other hand, left me wondering….

How long should we date before living together?

Cosmo Says: A year.
Arielle Says: Really, Cosmo? I didn’t know there was a scientific method to measure how long a couple should wait before they move in together. A couple should move in together as soon as they feel ready, whether that’s 6 months or 5 years.

I cheated, but I want to stay together. Do I confess?

Cosmo Says: No. Figure out why you did it, then put your effort into fixing that aspect of the relationship.
Arielle Says: Umm, aren’t relationships based off of honesty and trust? If you’re not mature enough to tell the truth, you might not be mature enough to move forward in your relationship.

He gave me his number. When should I call?

Cosmo Says: After 48 hours. Any later and it’s a ploy; any earlier and it’s desperate.
Arielle Says: Way to perpetuate the game, Cosmo. Think about it: if we sat around for two days straight waiting for a guy we met to call, we’d be pretty upset. Why should we do that to them? Don’t worry about the numbers. If you want to talk to the guy, give him a ring! He didn’t give you his number so you could wait to call him; he gave it to you because he wants you to call. So pick up that phone!

When is the right time to say “I love you?”

Cosmo Says: Wait at least 90 days. It takes that long to know if it’s not just lust.
Arielle Says: Well this is another scientific method I’m unaware of. And who’s counting the days, anyway? Just say it when you’re ready, girlfriend!

So instead, I opt for the harder path.

All of my gut instincts (and any dating book ever) tell me to pull back a little, don’t seem too attached too soon, don’t scare him off. Play it cool and he’ll come running because guys love the chase (or so I hear). I want so badly to be in control of the relationship, to have our future planned out on my terms, to have him want me more than I want him.

To hold all the cards.
And so ensues the inevitable power struggle.

I honestly believe that at the core of every relationship, at least in the beginning stages, is a battle for power. Sure there are feelings and snuggles and witty texts back and forth, but what really drives the relationship train is the quest to have the upper hand. We want the security of knowing we are in control of our own destiny with this other person that somehow has gotten a stronghold on our heart. And the other person is doing the exact same thing.

So if someone has to hold the power in the relationship, it sure as hell better be me. Right?

The power position seems to be the answer to so many of the natural fears the come along with opening ourselves up to another person. The fear of rejection, the fear of them finding someone else, the fear of ending up broken-hearted – all of these worries can be settled by knowing you have his heart (and balls) on a string. And how do we do this? We play games.

I’ve flirted with other guys in front of him. I’ve waited 24 hours before returning a call or answering a text. I’ve even gone as far as to mention going out to dinner with a “new friend.”  And he reciprocates the same mind games with me. All of these tactics are just sick and twisted methods of testing our feelings for each other, without having to put ourselves out on the line or wear our hearts on our sleeves. Instead, we’d rather take stabs at each other until one of us cracks. Mature.

Having the power in the relationship is like some sort of super-drug, one that you don’t ever want to run out of. But we have to remember what we all learned in D.A.R.E: drugs are bad. You can spend an entire lifetime trying to figure out the best way to play it cool, to be mysterious, to be the bad girl that you think he wants. But when all the games are over, and you’ve tried and failed to reach whatever future you envisioned for the relationship, everything always boils down to communication. Honest communication.

Hopefully one day I’ll get there. Hopefully I’ll eventually stop purposely not answering my phone to make him squirm, or putting up vague Away Messages to make him think about me. Hopefully one day I’ll back down from my quest for total relationship domination.

But when your heart is in the mix, it’s hard to let just anyone get their hands on it.

I got some serious game.

I know that sounds incredibly cocky, but it’s actually quite the opposite. You see, until about two years ago I was the girl who sat on the sidelines and watched as all my friends flirted with and won over the very boys I wanted for myself. I was essentially the hook-up water boy, holding everyone’s cocktails when they went to the bathroom and checking to make sure no one had anything in their teeth.  I accepted my role and went on with my life thinking I wasn’t pretty or skinny or perfect enough to be seen as anything more than the girl best friend.

But then something happened. I had a one-night stand with a boy who everyone wanted and – like that – everything changed. I started walking with a little swagger in my step, approaching anyone and everyone I wanted and suddenly I had developed my game winning moves.

I’m not kidding, if there were a Hall-of-Fame for pick-up lines, I’d be its first inductee.

So, after luring in my own men and playing professional wingman to all of my friends (I advise them on making a move and they pay me back with vodka-on-the-rocks), someone who has benefited from my work countless times finally convinced me to share my secrets with the world. If you can master these few little tips, you can win over any guy, any time.

[Now, just so you know, playing the game isn't just for ladies looking for some late night nookie. It's for those of you crushing on a guy and looking for something longer term, too.]

To begin with, I just want to say that no one is going to fall in love with you if you don’t show them there’s something to love. And I’m not talking about your nipples, honey. I’m talking about your confidence. If you sit back or do the wallflower thing, you will not lure in the hottie from Chem. But if you do whatever it is you do that makes you feel really good/hot/confident (for me it’s black eyeliner, straight hair and a great pair of jeans) and approach a guy with ease, he will be like putty in your hands.

Yeah, you have to approach him. Or you could wait for him to notice you in your group of 12 friends, think of a way to bust open the circle you guys are standing in and come up with something to say to  you. Seriously, just think of something witty and walk over there.

Ok, so you’re standing next to him. Now what do you say?
I have a few tried-and-true lines that get the conversation flowing every. single. time.

- “Whatcha drinkin?” – Easiest line in the book. (Hm, maybe I should write a book!) He’ll tell you, he’ll ask you what you’re drinking, you’ll start some conversation about how the bar always waters down their drinks, soon your drinks will be empty and he’ll be buying you a new one. Boom.

- [Squeeze in next to him at the bar while you battle for drinks] “I think we should work together. How about you try and lure the girl bartender and I’ll use my cleavage to try and get the dude.” Not only are you being cute and openly flirty, but you got him to notice your sex appeal without really asking for it. Plus, teamwork always fosters flirtation and witty banter will follow. I promise you that.

- Bring up something relevant. So, if he’s standing against the wall at a party, say something cute like, “You know the party is more fun if you actually talk to people.” If he’s on the dance floor gettin’ his groove on, compliment his moves. If you run into him at the party store, comment on what he’s buying and ask him where the party’s at. Yes, it all seems cheesy, but these lines get the convo started without making you look dumb/desperate/cliche.

And that is that. All you need is a little self-love, a few witty lines (which, by the way, I use over and over again. The guys won’t know how many times you’ve tried them before!) and you’re good to go. Once you try these out a few times you’ll see how easy picking up a guy can be.

Just don’t spit this game in any bar or party I frequent. That’s my territory, ladies.

Browse any website or bookstore and you’ll find things that defy explanation.  Really, who publishes these things?  Who thought it would be a good idea to publish guides on how to get laid more quickly?  There are enough frat boy a-holes in the world already, why create more?  Why aren’t there books on how to be more sensitive? Or, how to shut up and do what she says? (Just kidding, but you see where I’m going.)

Here is just a taste of some of the dribble out there. Beware of the boys wielding these books – things are bound to get ugly.

Copy, Paste & Bang! – This is a book, ostensibly, about making online dating work for men.  As in, making an online dating profile and getting laid within a 24-hour period.  After perusing the text and the reviews, I have come to the conclusion that this is a manual for internet predators.  The product description says it all:  “Copy, Paste & Bang! was written for one simple reason: to help regular guys meet women utilizing the Internet and to get you laid.“  Uhh…does anyone have Chris Hansen’s number?

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists - I hate you, Mystery.  And you, Neil Strauss.  Why would you take a perfectly adorable, shy, and socially inept computer geek and turn him into a douchebag player??  What a waste of resources!!  This book promises to teach men the secrets of picking up women in as short a period of time as humanly possible.  Awesome.  This way, men don’t actually have to get to know the women they’re about to sleep with.  Saves time, no?

The Professional Bachelor Dating Guide – How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho – …because, of course, all women are psychos, even if they don’t act crazy.  This book is a doozy.  I’m gonna let the product description speak for itself here:  “Women in courting mode are phenomenal actresses; many devote their whole lives to role-playing, camouflaged appearances, and storytelling. They manipulate men by dangling potential sex to satisfy their ego, play games, or vacuum your wallet.“  You can also learn how to protect your assets and shield your salary from a potential divorce.  Score!

Player’s Handbook Volume 2:  Advanced Pickup and Seduction Secrets For Men Who Love Women & Sex (and Want More of Both) – Lucky for  men, this book teaches them how to “never be without a sex partner – and how to handle multiple sex partners at once.  How to avoid the mistakes that 99% of most make when dating multiple women.  How to end a relationship, but still receive “benefits” and “special privileges.“  Wonderful!  I always wondered where that guy I was crushing on so hard Sophomore year learned all his tricks and tips.  100 pages of glorious douchiness.  At $11.95, I’d say this book is a mega bargain.

1200 Pickup Lines – Sample pickup lines include:  “I found this [lace glove, rosary, etc] on the floor at the club last night, is it yours?  Well, if it’s not, I’d like to give it to you anyway,” and “I wanna floss with your pubic hair.”  Thank goodness no one I know owns this book, otherwise I’d be a gonner for sure.  I mean, who can stand up the massive amounts of charm contained in this little tome of 126 pages?  Not me, my friend.  Not me.

The Backstreet Boys said it best: “Quit playin’ games with my heart (with my heart…).” I didn’t quite understand the meaning when I first jammed out to that song back in 1996, but now I get it. And I want to get on top of a mountain and sing that to every guy who has ever effed with me….and the many more that surely will.

What the eff is up with the games? Why do guys do one thing (kiss you) and then confuse the hell out of you (not call)? Why do they play with your head so you can’t do anything but think of them, emotionally eat, then think about them some more?

Why can’t we all just say what we mean and stop making calculated moves? It’s all a big waste of time and I’m sick of it. If you like me, tell me. If you don’t, fine. But don’t purposely not call me because you want me to think about you and then, just when I’m on the brink of being over it, say something cute in a text message.

Guys make me crazy and I needed to know why they feel the need to do so. Apparently, it’s all our fault…

I wouldn’t put myself on player status, because that’s not what it’s about. No one actually gets ahead by playing games. Games are childish. People do actually get ahead by meeting new people, and being able to go for what they want.

Like that guy. The incredibly sexy one across the room. Dark hair falling in his very green eyes. And a crowd around him that’s ten chicks deep.

The Strategy? Don’t pay him too much attention.

It works every time; if he really is that hot, he knows it. And if he didn’t know it, the girls throwing themselves at him will have been a good wakeup call. So why not switch The Game up on him? You’re cute. You’re fun. And you are the one chick he can’t just wrap around his finger. Or at least you’re pretending like you are.

I’m not talking about your middle school cold-shoulder tactics. The point is simply not to let this guy know that inside you’re going googly-eyed. Usually, one firm, flirty look is all you need. Then continue with your evening. Laugh with your girlfriends. Look stupid on the dance floor. Do whatever it is that you would normally do if dreamboat weren’t standing over there in the corner.

About halfway through the night, you might want to give dreamboat a reminder that you’re still there and pointedly walk past him, and then maybe go order a drink by yourself, so that he doesn’t have to awkwardly say something to you in front of all your drooling girlfriends.

If you get introduced to him (or even if you don’t), turn on the inner charm full blast. Look at him straight in the eyes. I mean, really in the eyes. And smile in a warm and inviting, but not overly seductive way. Sounds technical, I know. You can practice in the mirror.

If you get to the point (or muster up the courage) where you decide you want to say something to him, it’s best to think of something conversational to start with. Small talk. Chit chat. Compliment his shirt, or his shoes (in a manly way), or talk about the party you’re at: “How did you hear about this place?” Or you could just do it the old fashioned way and introduce yourself.

The real trick is just to be yourself; it’s not anything new. Smile, look approachable, relax. Have fun with your friends. That old saying, “Nothing is sexier than confidence,” got its proverbial status for a reason. Put on your cutest clothes – not that super-low neckline that makes you worry about your boobs popping out all night – but those jeans that hug your booty just right, those earrings that accent your cheekbones. Play up those things that you love about yourself. Remind yourself that you are beautiful and amazing before you go out the door. And then later on, if you can’t bring yourself to actually say anything to him, at least you will be holding the gaze of every man in the room.

In my experience, the cliché moves like leaving your phone number on a napkin, or slipping it into his pocket on the way out the door don’t actually work, and usually leave you feeling like an embarrassed, giddy schoolgirl. Not to mention that I can never go back to the restaurant again if that cute waiter doesn’t call.

Now, this is not a guaranteed guide, so don’t sue me if it doesn’t work. But I’ve seen a fair amount of success (if you know what I’m sayin’), and my findings have been corroborated by my fellow girls, as well as my guy friends.

We can always use more advice. What has worked for you?

[Photo courtesy of coolspotters.com]

My roommate Jeanenne thinks I don’t play “the game” enough. According to her, the only game I play is “let me drop my pants for you.” Yeah, ouch. After such an accusation, I decided to go out there and see what this game was all about. I wasn’t really sure what that meant – or why I needed to play if I was doin’ pretty well without it – but boy did I play that game.

I went out and started partying at 10 AM like any normal (game) day, and vowed to be “coy,” “mysterious,” and “un-slutty” – basics in “The Game,” but pretty odd concepts in my book. What this essentially meant was me going out, getting wasted, and not talking to any guys. (Okay, so I did talk to guys, but I didn’t heavily mack on them per usual.)

And you wanna know what happened? I didn’t get hit on. Not once.

After my experiment, I analyzed all of my data trying to make any sort of sense out of this outcome. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty used to getting hit on fairly regularly. This left me incredibly confused. Did I not get hit on because I appeared unavailable? Or am I just “that girl” that thinks that every guy wants her when he is really spending the entire evening trying to pawn her off to any guy in the general vicinity?

After much pondering, I had a crazy thought: maybe the game is more of a process than an act. Maybe you have to plant the metaphorical seed and wait for the sexual tension to grow. Many times in the past I have had ex-boyfriends call me after years of non-contact. Was I playing the game and not even realizing it? And if so, does that mean I have to wait years for my object of affection to realize how gorgeous and amazing I am?

Seeing as my attention span is far too short for that nonsense, there must be another answer. The Game must be a general approach to life rather than a conscious decision. I don’t mean to be all gung-ho preachy, but I’m starting to think that The Game is a direct result of something known as self confidence. You have to believe that you’re sexy and don’t need to waste your time throwing yourself at losers that don’t realize it. Once this is achieved, the length of time for said losers to realize your amazingness is inversely proportional to the amount of time you’ve been playing the game.

But my friend Rachael disagrees; to her, The Game is when “…each person tries to act like they don’t care (but they do), to try to get the other person to let down their guard first.” That’s a pretty damn good definition if you ask me.

I guess this whole experiment taught me that what “The Game” actually means depends on your individual viewpoint and experiences. Maybe I was playing it all along…

What do you think? Is the game a means to get them to let down their guard, or just a way to bring the boys to the yard? And what are your best game strategies?

Keep me posted.

What Game? I bet you didn’t even know you were playing a game, did you? There are a ton of people right now playing the Game, and quite frankly, most of them are doing better than you. Now, I know it’s not really fair of me to tell you that you lost the Game when you don’t know the rules, so I guess I should lay them out for you. Don’t worry; there are only three of them.

1. You are always, always playing the Game. No exceptions. Everyone in the world is playing the Game in some capacity, really.

2. When even the very thought of the Game comes into your head, you lose it.

3. When you lose the game, you HAVE to announce it.

There is a varying grace period after the Game where you don’t lose it if you think about it; the usual amount of time is about an hour. That means you have one hour to stop thinking about the Game. And there are ways to win the game while still making others lose. One of my favorite tactics is to write “You just lost the game” on dollar bills, or on a napkin to leave on the table in the cafeteria.

Now, I should really go try to stop thinking about the game. You probably should, too. You don’t wanna be a loser, do you?