So this is how the whole swine flu thing started.

Thank god we don’t live in Boston.

Will Chris Brown go free?

Hef wants Holly back. Obvi.

Looks like The Real World: Cancun isn’t happening…

One is an old dude with an obsession with ditzy blondes. The other is a weird guy with an obsession with jewelry…and making things disappear.

And it seems the world has brought these drastically different men together…to battle.

For a woman, obvi.

Though Hugh Hefner has 3 live-in girlfriends and a billion other hot ladies roaming around his house, he has recently been heartbroken as one of his favorites moved out.

Where did she go? Into the tattooed arms of Criss Angel. Poor Hef has never been snubbed like this; especially for a nobody like Criss Angel. I feel bad for the poor old guy and have to wonder what it is about Mr. Angel that wooed little Holly away.

Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe Criss has a killer personality and is awesome in bed. Maybe Holly was sick of waiting for Hef’s Viagra to kick in. Who knows?

I just want to know which dude you’d prefer: reliable old Hef, or mysterious Criss Angel?

He’s kind of like this quiet, unassuming, kinky playboy who probably laughs as much as he screws. I respect that. He’s made a career out of vaginas and boobs, but he doesn’t really seem skeevy — at least at 80-Something. He seems cool. And really relaxed. Probably from all that screwing.

And while I can’t understand how he can tolerate those three chicks who follow him around everywhere, I do often wonder what life as Hugh Hefner is like.

Apparently, life as Hugh Hefner includes a foursome and a one-time tryst with a man.

Steven Watts, author of the new biography, “Mr. Playboy: Hugh Hefner and the American Dream”, reports that very early on in his kinky career (1949, to be exact), Hugh spent one night sexing his wife up next to his friend and his friend’s wife – who were sexing each other up on the same bed. Hugh wanted to switch partners that night, but no one was biting (metaphorically, of course). Later, Hef was finally able to attain foursome enlightenment – with his brother and sister-in-law (notice the italics. The italics symbolize my amazement that anyone could stand, let alone want, to have sex within inches of their sibling).

Watts also goes on to say that one time in Chicago, Hugh was propositioned by a guy, and being the sex fiend that he was, couldn’t figure out a reason to say no.

What this biography illustrates – other than the fact that Hef was a genuine businessman with a deep knowledge of the male psyche – is that no matter how much of a sex manic your best friend claims to be, they are nothing compared to the master.

So next time that person starts running their mouth about being crazy in the sack, ask them about a foursome with their sibling. If they freak out, just laugh at them, point to Steven Watts’s new book (because, come on, you know you need to purchase it), and say, “Hef did it.”

Maybe it’s not the nights that will get me, but rather the entire days. This morning I read the newspaper (again), and I can’t decide if I feel 55 and retired, or 15 with a current event quiz looming.

I did get some comforting feedback from this little “project” today though, by a few friends who I met for lunch, informing me that maybe I am not the only romance addict out there — that maybe it’s an entire generation of twenty-somethings raised on Disney movies, and coming of age with hundreds of rom-coms (romantic comedies). While it is encouraging to hear I am not alone in this thought process, I would like to ask, is everyone else as hung up on this stuff as I am? (seriously, looking for feedback here…)

I have been able to hold out strong thus far, though, it was my trip to the gym where I was really shaken. I love going to the gym; since I don’t have cable I usually can catch up on a few terrible/wonderful (depending on if you are honest enough to admit you watch them) shows while working out.

Today however, welcome to Temptation Island — I don’t mean the show. I mean Law and Order SVU (yes, I am a sicko who can manage to find something sweet in that show) The King of Queens, The Bachelorette, The Girls Next Door . I would just like to PLEASE be commended on my willpower at this point, I LOVE trashy TV at the gym, but where could you find me? In front of the plasma-screens showing ESPN, watching the NBA playoffs without even so much a look at a hottie I might try to impress.

So it is again another day over, and another end of the day check in with myself; any new insight or thoughts? Maybe that this fabricated romance I have grown so fond of, is slightly less prevalent when you cut so much out of your life…

Add in a confused little girl who claims his snoring “lulls her to sleep”, and you’ve just made it impossible for me not to say anything.

In September’s issue of GQ, 19-year-old Evan Rachel Wood lets it all hang out when it comes to her relationship with the Goth rocker, defending her feelings and that weird music video where they’re making out (for way, way too long) in a rainstorm of blood.

“At the end of the video, we’re kissing and it’s raining blood – and for me, that was one of the most romantic moments of my entire life” Wood explains, going on to say “for the first time, I really feel like I’m around somebody and in an environment where I can just let go and not worry about being judged”.

While I have no idea what an actress and a vampire look-alike talk about over dinner, the thing that really freaks me out is the 19-year age difference. 19 years.

The girl is dating someone who was her age when she was born. And sure, Hugh Hefner is doing the same thing (times 3), but at least that man looks like a man! Marilyn Manson resembles some sort of feminine alien.

Let’s just hope these two don’t go and do something stupid, like getting each other’s name tattooed on their tongues or making a sex video. Wouldn’t want Ms. Wood making all her life mistakes before she hits 21.