OMG. Oh. My. God.

What a freaking series finale that was!

I apologize if this recap is less than stellar, but I could barely get out of bed this morning after laying awake for most of the night trying to figure out what was real on the past 6 seasons of The Hills and what was shot at a soundstage in Los Angeles.

Anyone else see that one coming? I know I didn’t. I spent the entire episode scribbling notes about the forced endings for all of the characters, Brody’s horrible attempt at tears at Kristin’s goodbye party, and questioning the whole “Kristin is moving to Europe” plotline when we all know she’s still trolling L.A. in a bikini and heels.

But then, BAM, Kristin’s Town Car pulls away and we watch as the backdrop behind sad Brody gets pulled away to reveal a set and a crew. I screamed – like actually screamed – then paused my DVR to digest what just happened. Read More »

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?! Read More »

"You're so funny, Will. And cute. Did you hear that, BRODY?!"

Have you ever tried eating animal crackers while watching The Hills? I have…out of a Costco basin…. and those little guys are so crunchy I couldn’t hear a thing. I can’t tell you how many times I had to rewind the show so I didn’t miss anything important. Which, as it turns out, was a total waste of time once I actually listened to what was going on:

“Justin just grabbed my ass. Both cheeks.” – Audrina

“Brody was so mean last night.” – Stacey
“Who does he think he is?” – Kristin
“He’s such a jerk” – Stacey
“I know.” – Kristin

“Whatever it is it is; whatever it will be it will be.” – Faux-losipher Justin

But the monumental 100^th episode of The Hills wasn’t all dumb comments mumbled by pretty people/me thinking about the 50+ hours I’ve wasted in my life watching this show. Things actually happened! Frankie wore a Speedo and Aquasocks! Audrina wore an itsy, bitsy bikini on a surf board! Stephanie Pratt was slightly hilarious! Read More »

There’s not much to say about the 99^th episode of The Hills.

Audrina broke up with Ryan. Allie and Kristin had a fight at a club. The group went boating. And Justin Bobby came.

And that’s it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the awkward break-up scene between Ryan (Cabrera) and Audrina, there would really be nothing worth talking about. Thankfully, these two had the most vague and pointless conversation in The Hills history (and that’s saying a lot), which made this episode worth sitting through. Tweedle Double D and Tweedle Spiky hair said a whole lot of words (presumably to fill up the time usually allocated to Speidi), but said nothing at all.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was really going on though: Read More »

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach. Read More »

It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like. Read More »

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor. Read More »

OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch. Read More »

"I don't let her use the computer or watch TV. And at night I lock her in a room and pump more silicon into her boobs, lips and brain."

So it seems the people behind The Hills really want to go out with a bang…. and reignite Ryan Cabrera’s failed music career. It worked for Gaga (remember when LC and Whitney had to style her at some event a few seasons back?), so maybe Mr. Cabrera will be donning leotards and selling out stadiums around the world in a few years.

Despite the fact that 25% of last night’s episode was made up of scenery shots and Top 40 hits, the drama was most definitely there. And, as usual, it was all about Heidi, Spencer and whatever weird Hollywood Hills Cult they’ve joined. Like most people watching, I was shocked to see Spencer out of the house (with only 12 versus his usual 200 necklaces) and at the bar with the rest of the crew. I thought he just stayed home, played with his crystals (no, that is not a euphemism) and pet baby goats. But I guess he got a little cabin fever and decided to take his crotchety old man-ness out on the town.

For real: who pissed in this kid’s coffee? I swear, if he makes it past 30 without someone hunting him down, he’s gonna be that old guy who yells at innocent little children (or, you know, his sister in law) to get off his lawn. Read More »

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television. Read More »