OMG. Oh. My. God.

What a freaking series finale that was!

I apologize if this recap is less than stellar, but I could barely get out of bed this morning after laying awake for most of the night trying to figure out what was real on the past 6 seasons of The Hills and what was shot at a soundstage in Los Angeles.

Anyone else see that one coming? I know I didn’t. I spent the entire episode scribbling notes about the forced endings for all of the characters, Brody’s horrible attempt at tears at Kristin’s goodbye party, and questioning the whole “Kristin is moving to Europe” plotline when we all know she’s still trolling L.A. in a bikini and heels.

But then, BAM, Kristin’s Town Car pulls away and we watch as the backdrop behind sad Brody gets pulled away to reveal a set and a crew. I screamed – like actually screamed – then paused my DVR to digest what just happened.

I gotta say, MTV is f**king brilliant. For the past 6 seasons of The Hills people have questioned if the show was real or fake. Just when we thought it was 100% scripted, they would bring in someone’s parents or document one of the cast member’s relationships that we knew was real from reading the tabloids. So we’d keep watching and following and referring to these people’s lives as if they were real.

MTV blurred the lines between real and fake and now that the show is over, no one really knows which was which.

Even more, had this show been shot in any other way – had we known with 100% certainty that it was a scripted drama like others on TV – no one would have ever watched.  Would you watch Gossip Girl if the only drama was someone dating someone’s ex? Or if all Blair and Serena did was go shopping and nibble on salad at restaurants? No, because that gets boring. We watch shows like that because we want to escape into the insane lives of others, to experience things we’d never experience in real life. But when we think we’re following the lives of some “regular” twenty-somethings, we get hooked on the “normal” drama and want to find out what happens next.

And that made The Hills the biggest show in MTV’s lineup.
Simply brilliant.

But the ending wasn’t the only thing worth mentioning on last night’s series finale. The episode was the perfect culmination of all 6 years of this show (including a lot of “then” and “now” photos – remember when Heidi looked NORMAL!?). It had stupid drama (Kristin’s chat with Brody by the pool), bottle service at a bar, and one amazing quote that is embodies the characters as a whole:

“You’re, like, the manliest guy I’ve ever dated, but at the same time, you’re, like, the sweetest guy… Yeah, ‘cuz you just, like, ride a dirt bike, but then, like, you’re just, like, a care bear.”

Thank you, Stephanie Pratt.

But now it’s all over. No more Audrina and Justin Bobby. No more Kristin and Brody. No more Stephanie and Lo and Frankie and that weird kid with the Hipster ‘stache. No more private planes, impromptu trips to exotic locations or me bitching about how there is no way on earth this show could be real because these people don’t have jobs. It’s the end of all of these people’s careers an era and, DAMN, did they go out with a bang.

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?!

Lo Celebrates her One Year Anniversary
And toasts her adorable BF with a shot. God, I love that girl. And I love that boy. They are so cute together and their post-date snuggle sesh officially goes down as the cutest moment in Hills history. We haven’t seen adorableness like that since Brody came out of Kristin’s room in her crop top LC and Justin cuddled up on the porch of their Malibu beach house after she skipped Paris to spend the summer with him. Let’s just hope Lo’s man doesn’t start doing drugs and punching bouncers outside of bars.

Frankie Falls off a Bike
Homeboy needs some training wheels.

Kristin Professes her Love for Brody and Gets Shot Down
Sigh. This whole thing makes me want to scream. Much like the Vienna/Jake interview, I wasn’t sure who I wanted to punch more in this little scenario. We’ve got Kristin who plays games with Brody for two years and pretends she wants nothing more than a little boom boom when everyone (except Brody, apparently) knows that’s not the case. And then we’ve got Brody who pretended to not know that Kristin wanted more than boom boom just so he could get some for two years while he waits for another Playboy bunny (or Avril Lavigne??) to come along. Seriously, dude? That’s the pussiest move I’ve ever seen. I know Brody isn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer, but he does know his way around a lady and he definitely knew what he was doing. He can blame this entire thing on poor KK (“It’s too late”), and she deserves some of the blame for never speaking up, but he knew exactly what he was doing and is a super selfish prick for messing with one of his friends.

Hm. I guess I do know who I want to punch more. Watch your back, Brody…. and Jake Pavelka!

Whew. Just recapping that episode wiped me out. Good thing I have a week to recover before the giant series finale. Will LC come back? Will Heidi come out of hiding? Will she have even bigger boobs? Will Justin Bobby propose to Audrina? Will Brody chase Kristin as she (fake) leaves LA? Will we finally learn how Stacie knows Kristin? Will Ryan Cabrera make a cameo in jorts?

It’s gonna be an hour so anything’s possible! OMG I can’t wait.

"You're so funny, Will. And cute. Did you hear that, BRODY?!"

Have you ever tried eating animal crackers while watching The Hills? I have…out of a Costco basin…. and those little guys are so crunchy I couldn’t hear a thing. I can’t tell you how many times I had to rewind the show so I didn’t miss anything important. Which, as it turns out, was a total waste of time once I actually listened to what was going on:

“Justin just grabbed my ass. Both cheeks.” – Audrina

“Brody was so mean last night.” – Stacey
“Who does he think he is?” – Kristin
“He’s such a jerk” – Stacey
“I know.” – Kristin

“Whatever it is it is; whatever it will be it will be.” – Faux-losipher Justin

But the monumental 100^th episode of The Hills wasn’t all dumb comments mumbled by pretty people/me thinking about the 50+ hours I’ve wasted in my life watching this show. Things actually happened! Frankie wore a Speedo and Aquasocks! Audrina wore an itsy, bitsy bikini on a surf board! Stephanie Pratt was slightly hilarious!

The biggest thing to do down last night was, of course, the dramz between Kristin and Brody. After two seasons of listening to this girl talk about how she doesn’t want a relationship, she likes doing things casually, she’s not a girly girl, blahhhhhh, home girl finally opened up. Sure it took packing up an LV suitcase, getting on a (shady looking) prop plane, flying to Costa Rica and getting wasted in a bikini on top of a bar, but Kristin finally admitted what we all already knew: she’s in love with the Brode-man.

And if that little scene in the pool with Taylor wasn’t desperate enough, Kristin got a one way ticket to Pathetic-ville and started hitting on the overly enthusiastic and totally dweeby hotel bartender with the lip piercing just to make Brody jealous.  I’d like to think Brody totally saw through this little charade (mostly because I’m in love with that kid – even if he wears beanies in the middle of a tropical rainforest – and I hope he’s not that dumb that he wouldn’t see the signs), but who knows? His longing stares and sad, puppy dog eyes did seem to dominate the camera time for most of the episode as Kristin was off with Will laughing a little too loud, throwing her head back a little too hard, and making really sloppy kissy sounds on the beach.

And speaking of sloppy kissy sounds…
OK, actually, that’s a terrible transition but I didn’t really know how to move on to Audrina and Justin Bobby so just roll with it.

JB obviously spent his time in Costa Rica trying to get back in Audrina’s pants. The moment he pinched her ass, I thought for sure she was going to cave and give him a little jungle lovin’. (I was also really jealous that her ass is that small that the guy can grab both cheeks at once and promptly put down the animal crackers.) But she didn’t! In fact, the only thing Audrina gave JB was a heaping spoonful of ‘tude.

“Would you come back here again?”
“Not with you.”

Buuurn. Way to stay strong, Audrina! I know I give this girl a lot of sh*t, but I was really proud of her for finally standing up for herself and realizing that Justin Bobby is nothing more than a pretty body with some unfortunate tattoos. Granted, she’ll probably hook up with him during the 101st episode, but for now, I gotta give her mad props.

And now it’s time to start counting down to next week. I can’t be sure (mostly because my DVR cut off midway through the preview), but I have a feeling we’re gonna be getting Heidi and Spencer back and I couldn’t be more excited. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss those asshats.

There’s not much to say about the 99^th episode of The Hills.

Audrina broke up with Ryan. Allie and Kristin had a fight at a club. The group went boating. And Justin Bobby came.

And that’s it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the awkward break-up scene between Ryan (Cabrera) and Audrina, there would really be nothing worth talking about. Thankfully, these two had the most vague and pointless conversation in The Hills history (and that’s saying a lot), which made this episode worth sitting through. Tweedle Double D and Tweedle Spiky hair said a whole lot of words (presumably to fill up the time usually allocated to Speidi), but said nothing at all.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was really going on though:

Ryan asks Audrina why she left his “concert.”

What Audrina said: “It was a little uncomfortable.”
What Audrina was really saying: “I just came from hooking up with Justin Bobby and then I saw you standing there… in tight white jeans.”

What Ryan said: “I was so thrown off. I’m trying to make us work, and…”
What Ryan was really saying: “Please don’t leave me. I was just starting to make my comeback. I need you and this show. After Ashlee left me for Pete Wentz I had nothing to live for. And then your boobs came into my life and you’re the only girl dumb enough to find my hair attractive.”

What Audrina said: “It just…it doesn’t seem to be going smoothly.”
What Audrina was really saying: “I don’t know how else to tell you I find you repulsive and annoying without hurting your feelings. Justin Bobby is so much hotter than you.”

What Ryan said: “Yeah I just don’t know how to properly move forward…you know. I know you’re dealing with a lot of stuff that’s hard for you to deal with but I think it’s the smartest thing is just to take a second and think, ‘can we make it work?’”
What Ryan was really saying: “I want to go up to my room and cry into my stuffed dog right now, but I need to get paid so I’m going to say a lot of vague things with lots of words so we can make this conversation last a little bit longer.”

What Audrina said: “We talked about making things work together and working out issues and it seems like there’s always something.”
What Audrina was really saying: “There’s not really something, I’m just over you. But I need to keep talking/staring awkwardly over your shoulder until producers tell me we’ve got the shot.”

What Ryan said: “I don’t really know how to, you know, fix the problem.”
What Ryan is really saying: “I actually have no idea what the problem is, but you are making no sense… I can’t believe I wasted a glass of wine on you.”

What Audrina said: “It’s just something that, I guess….”
What Audrina was really saying: “Uh…I don’t know what to say now. A little help? [Looks at production team.]”

What Ryan said: “You think we’re done.”
What Ryan was really saying: “Well, I guess it’s time to head back to obscurity.”

And time for Audrina to get on a boat and talk about love and relationships with a turtleneck-peacoated Justin Bobby. I was hoping, wishing, waiting for something to happen (not a kiss…more like JB falling in the water), but then the show ended. Harumph.

Let’s hope something (ANYTHING) exciting happens for the 100th episode of The Hills. The cast will be in Costa Rica for the big event so maybe Kristin will attempt to smuggle drugs back into the U.S.? Spencer and Heidi will pop out of the jungle while running from another season of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here”? Brody will refer to Kristin as his sister, thus admitting that he’s been crushing on Kendall for years?

Meh. After the poor showing all season, I’m not holding my breath for anything but boredom.

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach.

But I also know that Kristin and JB were a huge point of drama last season and now everyone’s acting as if it never happened. And it did. KK can’t be all buddy buddy with Audrina now and talk to her about her relationship with Justin (much like she can’t pull off that Gucci bathing suit she was sportin’….) after she shoved him in Audrina’s face last year. And why isn’t it awkward city between the two of them? Huh?

Whew. It feels good to get that all off my chest. So therapeutic…

Now I can get to the real “meat” of the show. Which, oh wait, is pretty much all about Justin Bobby. There was a little something in there with Allie and Mckaela, but even thinking about that storyline puts me in a coma. And there was also a giant, nappy weave on Kristin’s head at the Nylon party but thinking of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, and Steph had a date and told him what he probably already discovered on Google. So let’s just focus on the good stuff.

Like when Justin showed up at Les Deux. (BTW, how great is it that they’re going back there again? It’s like the Peach Pit of The Hills and they’re really bringing this show full circle by returning to their stomping grounds from LC’s first months in L.A.). So Justin rolls in, shakes Audrina’s hand and then expresses his Ryan Cabrera disdain to Brody:

“That girl deserves the world.”  Apparently in Justin Bobby land, “the world” is a guy currently sporting a bouffant who burps on dates, cheats on her, and lies to her face for three years.

“He’s a rock and roller, dude. Women will be around.” Uh, not to be nit picky, Justin, but trust me on this one: no he’s not and no they won’t.

I mean, did you see the kid performing? Audrina did. And she cried. At first I thought maybe it was because she had just cheated on him with Justin Bobby (Why else would she show up late with a messy ponytail on top of her head??) and felt all guilty when she saw how sweet and innocent he was, but then I realized it was probably because her boyfriend was singing a 2003 MTV hit in a pair of white skinny jeans to a “crowd” of 1,000 people.

Girl, I’d cry too. And I’d probably put an end to things as well. She’s got a reputation to keep (not to mention ratings to maintain) and everyone knows Ryan is killing it for her. He’s a nice guy, yes, but Audrina doesn’t like the nice guy. She likes the faux-philosophical, greasy, smelly, jerky guy. And unfortunately for Ryan Cabrera and the career he was hoping to save by getting on this show, that guy just rolled back into town. On his bad-ass motorcycle. That doesn’t even have a seat.

Let’s see if Cabrera can do that….without getting his white skinnies dirty.
Till next week, peeps!

It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like.

“OK, so Spencer accused me of sexually harassing Heidi, so they’re out. What do we have now?”

[Crickets.]

“Ughhh. Fine. Let’s just bring in the girl who spells her name all funny who is more boring than LC and then…. Hmmm… I got it! Let’s bring in that 40-year-old woman who broke into Brody’s house a few years back.”

And there you have it. The final season of The Hills.

I have to give it to those MTV peeps, though. I mean, it’s not like they’re not trying. Getting Mckaela a “job” with Lo and having them become BFFs is sure to stir the pot, right? Of course they know (or instructed her to) Lo would invite Mckaela to Steph’s (sober) birthday party, even though every girl who’s ever had a guy friend knows that’s a bad idea. Come on – she’s Brody’s friend first, right? If he wanted LC’s doppelganger there he would have invited her himself. Get with it, Lo.

Rule #1 when having a player guy friend: You don’t get close to the girl until the relationship is official. Otherwise it’s awkward city.

But it was fine; Mckaela came prepared, a la Daniel Staub when she attended that event at the Brownstone, and she brought protection. In the form of a creepy, old looking blonde. And when they walked in, I was pumped. I perked up in my seat, hoping for the first time in 12 minutes that something exciting was going to happen. That maybe there would be a girl fight (with hair pulling and clawing). That producers would have to bust in and pull the girls apart like they do every single episode on The Duel.

But all I got was Brody and Kristin storming out for some late night nookie.
Snooze.

And then if things couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Cabrera came back to town. From a two week “tour.” And what did Audrina do? Hug him like a 6^th grader at a middle school dance and then come up with 12 reasons why they shouldn’t be together. Naturally, because Audrina is the best this kid is ever gonna do now that Ashlee Simpson is married and a mama, Ryan fought back, shooting down every excuse Audrina came up with. And naturally, Audrina’s brain went into overload and she melted down, unable to come up with a response.

So I guess they’re still together?
Snore.

Eventually the show ended, Kristin and Mckaela met up for a drink (which no one paid for) and I passed out on my couch like a little baby with a belly full of warm milk.

So in the end, I guess the show wasn’t a total loss; I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor.

I may hate Kristin and her perfect wardrobe, but I really felt for her in that moment when she realized that she’d lost and Brody had won. When she knew that while he was at home canoodling with Mckaela (ugh, it’s even worse when the girl spells her name like that), Kristin was going home alone. Poor girl; she wasted a perfectly good outfit and about 150 calories, and the night was a major bust.

Thank god she’s got her personal trainer to vent to in the morning.

Meanwhile, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina put on their finest rocker gear and hit up some music showcase for Audrina’s fake job. And – surprise! – Justin Bobby’s band was playing. There was a lot of “should we stay or should we go,” but Audrina couldn’t look away from sweaty JB rockin’ out on the drums. And I couldn’t either; it was like a trainwreck. He looked so scary with him mouth all open and sh*t. Anyway, somewhere between the “ED STANLEY!” cheers from the crowd and Justin tearing off all his clothes, Lo warned Audrina to tell Ryan Cabrera (who, by the way, is getting more and more annoying by the minute) that they ran into him. Honestly, the way Lo made it out, you’d think Audrina got naked and humped JB on the drum set. Is it really that big of a deal that she happened to see his band play? Is that cheating in Ryan’s book?

And more importantly, what sort of “tour” is Ryan Cabrera going on, anyway? Has that kid made any music since his Ashlee Simpson days?

But I digress. Audrina doesn’t tell Ryan about her Justin Bobby interlude and then gets cozy with him at the club. (I smell scandal! Or maybe Justin Bobby farted?) It’s fine, though. What Ryan doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? I mean, it’s not like Audrina has cameras following her around or that this exact moment will be shown on MTV 12 times a day for the next 3 months. Her secret is totally safe.

Personally, though, I’m hoping he does find out. That kid is far too happy/chipper/talks like the guy from Blue’s Clues and I really want to see what he looks like mad. Plus, without Speidi (or even drunk Holly), the show just isn’t as fun to watch anymore. Bring on the drama!

OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch.

But I guess it wasn’t a total loss of 30 minutes. We did get to see Stephanie Pratt’s impressive wardrobe (that sh*t couldn’t all fit into her walk-in closet!) and watch her have a mild meltdown about ordering a Coke on a first date. Seriously, she made it seem like she was going to order actual coke and use her straw to do lines off of Lo’s bare stomach on the table. Is it really that big of a deal to be sober on a first date, girl? It’s not like this kid doesn’t have the Internet; he clearly knows about your DUI. Hell, my MOM knows about your DUI. I think the bigger issue here is that you don’t know what lacrosse is. And, obvi, who your brother is.

But none of that mattered. Homeboy offered Steph his jacket, took her digits and asked her out on a second date. At least someone is having some luck with love around here, because things are not going well for Kristin. Of course, that’s what happens when you lie to the guy you’re sleeping with and try to pretend you’re totally OK with doin’ it casually and letting him borrow your crop top. Everyone knew that was all bullsh*t (I’m sure both Steph’s date AND my mom knew that was bullsh*t), but Kristin really tried to convince the world she was totes happy living the single life. Which is way more difficult now that she went cray cray on the Brode-man, told him to shut up, then stormed out of his house.

Way to keep it together, KC. This just proves (once again) that FWB doesn’t work, that someone always has more feelings than someone else and that Kristin is just another annoying girly girl.

$20 says she goes home and does drugs. I mean, her legs were looking really skinny last night….

"I don't let her use the computer or watch TV. And at night I lock her in a room and pump more silicon into her boobs, lips and brain."

So it seems the people behind The Hills really want to go out with a bang…. and reignite Ryan Cabrera’s failed music career. It worked for Gaga (remember when LC and Whitney had to style her at some event a few seasons back?), so maybe Mr. Cabrera will be donning leotards and selling out stadiums around the world in a few years.

Despite the fact that 25% of last night’s episode was made up of scenery shots and Top 40 hits, the drama was most definitely there. And, as usual, it was all about Heidi, Spencer and whatever weird Hollywood Hills Cult they’ve joined. Like most people watching, I was shocked to see Spencer out of the house (with only 12 versus his usual 200 necklaces) and at the bar with the rest of the crew. I thought he just stayed home, played with his crystals (no, that is not a euphemism) and pet baby goats. But I guess he got a little cabin fever and decided to take his crotchety old man-ness out on the town.

For real: who pissed in this kid’s coffee? I swear, if he makes it past 30 without someone hunting him down, he’s gonna be that old guy who yells at innocent little children (or, you know, his sister in law) to get off his lawn.

It’s a good thing everyone’s stopped worrying about Kristin’s drug problem so they could all talk about spray tanning gather in her house to figure out what the hell they’re gonna do with those two freaks. Nevermind they’re concern for Heidi’s safety, though; I was more focused on how nice Kristin’s place was. Most of the twenty-somethings I know lounge on futons and Ikea furniture – is this what I have to look forward to after I toss my cap in the air? If so, bring on graduation!

But Spencer and Heidi weren’t the only ones stirring the pot. Brody was building a deck of drama cards all his own. On just another night on the town (because what else do these kids have to do?) he tries to get down and dirty with Ms. Patridge. I knew he’d try to work that magic eventually (even though she is clearly dating that real life cartoon character, Ryan Cabrera), but I thought homeboy had more game than:

“There’s some things I want to talk about wit you that I couldn’t say when I had a girlfriend.”

Uh… couldn’t he just buy her some shots, start grinding into the back of her on the dance floor and make out with her in the corner? Isn’t that how most hook ups start these days? Who says that? And what exactly would he say to her if she agreed to have that chat with him? “Uh, I like your boobs,” and “I’d hook up with you….”

Way to let me down, Brode Man. Now I totally understand how you ended up in a crop top at Casa de Kristin. And how you’ll inevitably end up entangled in serious girl drama when Kristin sees you with some other chica. Yeah, she says she’s “really happy being single,” but that’s what every girl says when she wants the guy she’s been in love with for 7 years to think she’s not that into him. I know the truth, though (and not just because I watched the scenes from next week’s episode); that bitch is cray cray and she’ll use those chunky new heels she favors to beat down anyone that gets between her and her Kristin-Jenner-happily-ever-after.

I just hope that somehow, that person is Spencer Pratt.

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television.

And before you get all “they’re just playing it up for the camera and this show is totally scripted,” I have to disagree this time. This episode of The Hills was the most real one ever. And I can say that because I’ve seen every single episode…. and have them all on DVD. Anyways, you may not have noticed, but when Holly went over to Speidi’s House of Horrors the day after Enzo’s Super Sweet 7 and Spencer went totally crazy on her, it was the realest moment in Hills history. As Spencer was blowing a gasket while simultaneously patting himself on the back for not doing what he really wanted to do (for real, I was scared), Holly looks over at the camera guys behind the scenes with a “can you believe this is actually happening?” sort of look. She was scared, embarrassed and visibly uncomfortable.

It was so real, so genuine, and say what you want about The Hills, but I doubt Holly is a good enough actress to pull that off and then break into very believable tears. In fact, I know she’s not. The only thing Holly Montag is good at is getting drunk and dancing up against a window. (Which reminds me – what ever happened to her drinking problem?)

Also, this conversation between Kristen and Audrina just had to be real. I mean, no one could script something like this:

Audrina: I LOVE boots.
Kristen: I think I like these better than the Miu Miu ones, actually.
Audrina: Those are SO cute. Chunky heels are easier to walk in.
Kristen: I know, so much easier…. So how are you and Ryan?

In conclusion: What happened last night was real. Audrina is a ditz, Heidi Montag is a robot with boobs and Spencer Pratt is going to kill us all. Let’s all give Kristen and Brody a big “THANK YOU, jerks” for creating this Speidi monster.

Those two should be taken to Gitmo.