"I may have cut my hair, but I'm still a huge ass-face."

If there’s one thing I hate more than Heidi Montag’s long, skeletal fingers, it’s girls, like Stacie, who wear ill-fitting bikini tops guys who play games. And when Justin Bobby plays games that just takes things to a whole new level.

Back when JB was doin’ his thang with Audrina, we hated him for many reasons. Obviously, he was treating her like dirt, but he also had long, greasy hair, wore ugly hats and burped at the dinner table. G-to the-ross. When Krisin came into the picture it seemed that, much like his hygiene, Justin Bobby had cleaned up his act.

Well, how wrong we were. It looks like you can take the dirt out of the scumbag…but he’s still a sh*tty scumbag.

I’ve dealt with guys like Justin. They have low self esteem and need to take control of any situation, no matter whom they hurt. So they do something crappy, then follow it up with a grand romantic gesture, then do something crappy once again. And the saddest part? It’s effing working!

Kristin is playing into his little game just as easily as Audrina did. She may say she’s gonna kick him to the curb after strike three, but she’s just as pathetic as he is. And you know she loves they way she looks in a motorcycle jacket far too much to give up the rides on the back of Justin’s bike.

The only person more pathetic than Kristin is Jayde. Or maybe Holly. No, definitely Jayde. It’s not Holly’s fault that MTV gave her a drinking problem to increase the show’s ratings. And besides, she’s a hilarious dancer (did you see those moves a la Drew Barrymore post-pot brownie in Never Been Kissed? Amazeballs.); I hope she doesn’t to go “rehab” any time soon so this show can get some much-needed comic relief.

Anyways, back to Jayde. I seriously hate this chick and can’t handle watching her. And here are my top 3 reasons why:

1. She looks way too much like the girl who plays Snow White in Disney World. It’s freaking me out.

2. She’s annoying. Like, really annoying. Like that annoying girlfriend that everybody hates and talks about behind her back until the guy FINALLY realizes how bitchy/naggy/not worth it she is and breaks up with her. And then everyone celebrates, gets drunk and tells him how much they hated her. Yeah, she’s like that.

3. She’s not smart. No. She’s painfully dumb. But she gets to go home to Brody every night (and treat him like crap) while I sit here alone eating Nutter Butters watching her on TV. WTF?

I know that Jayde and Brody don’t break up (I can see into the future…by reading the latest Us Weekly), but I just hope they do. He’s hot. He deserves better. Like me! I don’t have a Holly drinking problem (“Jack is the love of my life!”), I am not a camera whore like Heidi Montag, I’m not a bitch like Kristin and, while I don’t have her boobs, I am a hell of a lot smarter than Jayde.

Plus, with Holly shipping off to rehab soon, there’s space for one more in this cast….

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO?

Question 4:
Who in their right mind would let such an adorable child interact with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? Oh, and that hipster dude with the ‘stache. I can see it now: an E! True Hollywood story on the Speidi-kid-next-door. That kid is effed.

Question 5:
What is up with the MTV labels these days? When Justin Bobby is hanging out with Kristin he’s being labeled “Audrina’s Ex Boyfriend.” And Brody is being referred to as “Kristin’s Ex Boyfriend”? Uh, MTV, we know who these guys are; not only do they not need a label at all, but they definitely don’t need labels that stir the pot and start more dramz.

Question 6:
Uh, where is Luke Verge, Brody’s BFF that he chose on Bromance? Why wasn’t he at the party?

Question 7:
Hey Brody, when did you get so deep: ““Love is a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong.”

Question 8:
Which will come first: the end of Spencer’s cowboy-hat-wearing days or the end of Speidi’s marriage? On second thought, when will those two turds just GO AWAY?

After watching some weird 80’s flashback episode of Gossip Girl, I was hoping for something a little more…er… modern entertaining when it came to The Hills last night. And besides that weird sequins headband thingy that Steph wore (and that I also wore in 1994 to a dance recital) MTV came through for me once again.

Unlike last week’s episode where nothing really happened, there was a whole lot of action last night. And everyone was at work! This is only the 2nd time we’ve seen anyone working this season. The cast has been too busy jet-setting to get anything done and I really sorta forgot that people in L.A. even have jobs. I figured they just celebrated birthday parties, went clubbing and stayed in fancy resorts in Hawaii year round.

Anyways, people were working. And people, lots of people, were getting the boot.

First there was Steph who chose a lunch date over her job responsibility. Now, I’m sure Steph is good at some things in her life (like causing drama and doing drugs), but having a job isn’t one of them. I mean, isn’t she an intern? Since when do interns get lunch breaks? When I was interning last summer I had to ask permission to pee. And one time that permission wasn’t granted and I had a little, mini, teeny, tiny accident in my pants. The girl was all worried about wearing a professional heel to work, yet she’s not nearly as worried about actually getting her job done. WTF, Steph!?

Then there was Stacie, who randomly had Heidi’s cell phone number and interrupted her busy work week (she really needed a manicure!) by asking her to come to her dirty bar. At first I wasn’t sure why she wanted to have a conversation with Heidi while she was working….in front of other people…. but then I realized she probably wanted witnesses in case Heidi started pulling her hair. Or going all Tony Soprano on her. But that’s not the point. The point is that Stacie doesn’t think Spencer is “worth it.” Personally, I don’t think Spencer is worth anything, but what is Stacie talking about? They aren’t friends! Fighting over Spencer isn’t costing either of them anything, so why does she care to put the situation behind her?

The last kid to get kicked to the curb (where I’m pretty sure he sleeps at night) was Justin Bobby. And I have one thing to say: FINALLY! I was actually pretty proud of Audrina for sitting down and just saying her peace. I’ve been there, honey, and while I think JB looks like a sidewalk dweller, I know how it is to be sucked back in by a guy that you love. So way to be, Audrina! And way to make him chase you. And way to make him say ridiculous things like, “Yeah you go through your little gates.” It made me laugh. He was just so angry!

Let’s just hope JB doesn’t make any cameos the rest of the season. And let’s hope Steph goes apesh*t when Lauren fires her. Oh, and maybe sometime in the near future Spencer Pratt might start rapping?! Ugh. Who woulda thought that would be the one to come true?!

Tonight was a pretty stellar night. First, I worked out next to a total hottie on the elliptical (but didn’t muster up the courage in my sweaty ‘beater to say anything), then I came home and watched an AMAZING episode of Gossip Girl while eating an ice cream sandwich, and then Spencer and Heidi went to therapy.

When I die, I hope heaven is this good.

A lot of little things happened on tonight’s episode of The Hills. There was the budding romance between Audrina and Brody, or, more likely, MTV trying to make it seem like some big thing that will ultimately end with nothing ever happening. There was Stephanie being a giant moron at People’s Revolution where we learn she can’t answer phones and she doodles when people yell at her (probably because she can’t turn to coke and heroin anymore).

But those were only an appetizer to the delicious drama that was served up next.

Like Jusin Bobby making a return to the scene with a new shorter ‘do and bushier beard. What’s not new: his obsession with ugly hats. Oh and his deep life lessons: “Do you know how quick our life is here on earth?”
I’m not really sure how that made any sense in the context of the “you don’t treat me well” conversation with Audrina, but I guess I never expect that dirtball to make any sense. Audrina, on the other hand, falls right into dirty-finger-nailed grasp and is immediately taken with him again.

I just don’t get it. Besides the fact that this kid is awful and disgusting and dirty, Audrina literally goes from “It would never work” chat with Sleazy T to “I’m crazy in love with you” with JB. Seriously, all she did was turn her head. I know the girl isn’t the brighest bulb, but is it possible that turning her head shook her brain clean like an Etch-a-Sketch? One minute she’s all about being single, then – shake, shake, shake – she just wants Justin back.

Maybe those two just need a little extra nudge. No, not from Brody; from Speidi’s couples therapist!

Not that I understand why a couple of 25-year-olds really need a therapist. I always thought that couple therapy was for old married couples that just don’t have that spark anymore, not for people still making money off of a teen drama on MTV. At this point in our lives, if your relationship isn’t working, you don’t get a therapist, you just break up, get drunk and hook up with other people, then realize how much you miss the other person and go back.

And even if that wouldn’t work for Speidi, it’s not like this woman could. She’s a therapist, not a de-douch-bagger. There is nothing on this planet that will change Spencer – not even a Beverly Hills therapist.

We’ll just have to wait and see how that all turns out.
Who knows? Maybe the entire crew will be sitting on that couch next week after the girls crash the Hawaii surf party. That would just be icing on my (fat-free) Hills cake.

The world is ending. Google has failed us. People are freaking out.

It’s been confirmed: Nicole Richie is with child!

How many calories are in those Fat Tuesday donuts?

Depression Chic: that really is a trend for spring.

Paris says she is not dating Lauren Conrad’s sloppy seconds.

Protect your face from the winter weather.

Arrested Development movie: It’s a go! I think. Maybe? Who knows?

Meet Mr. Harvard Freshman. Get him while he’s young, ladies!

Octomom and Octo-grandma duke it out on national TV.

Get natural with your beauty.

Bored? How about a new game?

Fun license plates.

Miss a day of class without killing your grades.

Dating a guy with a “turtleneck.”

The trailer for The Hills Season 5 is here. I. can’t. wait.

So, I was gone for a few weeks and missed out on a lot of Hills recapping. I was so excited to get back into it…until I actually watched tonight’s totally sucky episode. Like most episodes of The Hills, nothing really happened. In fact, the entire show can be broken down into two sentences:

Lauren and Audrina make up.

Spencer acts like a douche in front of his Nana.

Now, let’s take a closer look.

The show begins with Lauren talking to Lo about Audrina and Audrina talking to that coworker of hers about Lauren. LC vents to Lo that Audrina attacked her and doesn’t trust her. Audrina tells her coworker all about how the entire conversation she had with Lauren the night before was a “total scream fest.” (Really, Audrina? A scream fest? Maybe that is because you were at a bar. Surrounded by people and loud music. Ever think of that? Maybe LC had to scream, so you could HEAR HER.)

Watching these conversations happen reminded me that there are 3 sides to every story. And that you shouldn’t let your insecurities get the best of you (Audrina!). Oh, and that you should always wash your hair and put on makeup when your coworker is on an MTV reality show.

Audrina and Lauren end up meeting up again to make up. (Note: Good move with the crying, Audrina. You knew that would get LC back on your side.) Not surprisingly, they do it at a bar. Is this how things work in LA? Do people ever do things in the privacy of their own homes? I usually reserve my fights with people for Instant Messenger (what? I hate confrontation), but most of the people I know would prefer to have a fight in the comforts of their home, rather than getting dolled up to duke it out at a lounge.

But I’m from the Midwest, so what do I know?

Now it’s time to move onto the Spencer/Nana sitch. Is it just me or is this a really random story line? Yes, I realize this show is “reality,” but clearly MTV put this little diddy in for a reason, and I’d like to know what that is.

To attract an older audience?

To show that the Pratt family isn’t completely evil?

Because there is really nothing exciting happening at Casa De Pratt?

Why on earth is Nana on The Hills? And even more, why the hell does Spencer gossip to his freaking Nana? When I am with my grandma we play Rummikub and talk about why I am not married yet. I don’t call her up and tell her that my brother won’t talk to me cuz I hooked up with his best friend at his wedding.

There are just some things that grandmas don’t need to know. But I guess Spencer never got that memo. Anyways, maybe next week we’ll find out about Spencer’s recent obsession with/borderline kid napping of his Nana. Until then I’ll be drinking lemonade and eating cookies. Nana’s looked so good, I couldn’t help but get some of my own.

Well, tonight’s episode of The Hills definitely made up for last week’s lackluster performance. Big things happened! Audrina moved out! Heidi got drunk! And then she got fired!

OMFG it’s like drama overload.

Ok, breathe, Lauren. Let’s start from the beginning.

So, Audrina decides she wants to move out of the house and – poof! – she finds a place. And not just any place; a beautiful, huge, brand new place. What luck?! I mean, I spent 2 months looking for an apartment in NY before I found one…that was in Queens…and I shared with a girl who got drunk and ate in the bathroom and another girl who abused Ambien. Did I mention the lack of A/C?

But Audrina finds a beautiful house and buys it with all that money she makes as an assistant. At first I was happy for her to finally be getting out of the LC and Lo Love Pad, until I realized that she bought it for Justin Bobby. I bought a Green Day CD for the boy I loved once and that was the biggest regret of my life (and he didn’t wear a cut off denim shirt/dirty beanies); I just hope Audrina didn’t make the worst financial mistake of her lifetime.

I just wish I could smack that girl around and make her see that a house with lots of candles and white flowy sh*t is not going to get that boy to commit. He likes to speak in riddles and sound intelligent when he’s really just dumb. HE IS NOT GOING TO COMMIT TO YOU.

While Audrina was out house hunting (and LC was crying to Whitney about losing another roommate), Heidi was busy getting sh*tfaced at work. Obviously the girl was gonna get hammered off of two drinks – she hasn’t eaten in 4 years. What isn’t so obvious is why she thought it was a good idea to get drunk at work after pissing her boss off the last time he was around.

“Hm,” she thinks to herself. “I’m already on his bad side, so I totally have to impress him….I’m gonna invite my douchey boyfriend to the party. That I am working at. The most important party ever for this company. But that’s not all; I will also invite Audrina and her sister with the tat sleeves and THEN I am gonna get drunk on top of that! This will surely do the trick! Promotion!”

Looks like that one backfired, Heidi. Too bad your boyfriend ruins everything; he took you away from your friends, your family and now your job. What’s next? Your Botox specialist? Your personal shopper at Neimans? When will you learn, Heidi Montag? WHEN?

I’d like to start off this post by apologizing for my absence last week; I was not home for the live broadcast of The Hills and when I returned I found out that my DVR didn’t record it. Because it was recording a rerun of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. That I had already seen…twice. Embarassing, I know.

But one thing I am not sorry about is the fact that I got to catch last week’s episode tonight and it was like Pop Up Video! Seriously, I am not sure I can ever watch the show live again. The pop up comments from viewers make the whole thing so much more entertaining!

Although, last night’s ep. didn’t need any witty comments from college girls to entertain me. The drama was out in full force when the cool kids decided to pack up Doug’s jet and head to Cabo for the weekend. Why Cabo? Well, obviously they needed to get away from cold and dreary L.A. to find sand, a swimming pool and endless amounts of alcohol!

Unforch, the beautiful scenery did nothing for Justin Bobby and Audrina’s “relationship.” (Looks like getting nakey in the pool last week didn’t help much either.) After the boys do a little homo-erotic hot tubbing where JB finds out about Audrina’s other boy toy, Justin Bobby decides that he is finally free, yada, yada, yada, and something about a Hall Pass.

He just kept talking about this Hall Pass. Am I the only one who doesn’t get what that is?

What I do get is that Justin Bobby is just like every other D-Bag on the show. He is not the pensive, thoughtful, deep and mature dude MTV wanted us all to believe this season. He is an insecure L.A. boy who can’t seem to grow up, even if he is showering these days.

And as long as we are talking about people that we really hate and would do anything to see dead, let’s move back to L.A. for the scandalous dinner between Steph’s new BF (who somehow already knows all the Cabo boys) and Spencer, an uncanny look-alike for Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.

I know what it is like to be cranky when A) people show up really late, and B) I have very little food in my system, but I don’t believe that any of those reasons justify Spencer’s behavior at dinner. Or in life, in general.

There is nothing more to say about him because I have said it all – week after week – but I just couldn’t help but (literally) SCREAM at the TV when he had the audacity to talk to Steph about loyalty towards her family. He did just force Heidi to kick her sister out, right? He did tear Heidi away from her family to be with him, right? Ok. That’s what I thought.

Poor Stephanie finally found a guy who was willing to go out with her (and who must have been late because it took him 40 minutes to find an old t-shirt and a ratty hoodie to wear) and her lame ass brother is going to ruin it for her.

Poor girl can’t get a break. Except, of course, for making friends with LC and getting onto this show where she makes like $10,000 an episode.

And, finally, did anyone else have issues with the fact that the song from the new Nano commercial was playing during the ep? I was seriously waiting for Steph and Heidi to poop paint.

No? Just me?

Due to the fact that I am a Jew, I had to miss the live episode of The Hills. As I sat at Rosh Hashanah dinner reflecting on the history of my people I couldn’t help but check my watch – every five minutes – as the 10 o’clock hour ticked on by. I sped home when dinner ended and boy am I glad I did.

Tonight’s episode was fantastico… and full of total a-holes.

The biggest was, of course, Spencer Pratt who made his girlfriend’s mom cry. I may be sorta old school, but I come from the school of thought that no matter how much you hate someone’s family, you always respect the parents. Not talk down to them. Not be a sarcastic d*ck head. You smile, pretend to think their jokes are funny and flatter them until you are blue in the face.

This is especially true in the Speidi situation because the mom clearly already hates Spencer for turning her daughter into a plastic Barbie (with horrible white hair that she really needs to stop pulling off her face because it only highlights her giant forehead.) But that is where Spencer and I differ (in addition to the fact that I would never date Heidi and I would kill myself if I were Spencer) because he just doesn’t understand what respect is.

Or holding a real job, but that is a different issue.

A-hole number 2 is Doug. I bet you thought I would say Stephanie, but no. Stephanie isn’t an ass, she’s just pathetic…not to mention a terrible liar. She is a Pratt, after all, so we know she is chemically imbalanced in some way. But Doug is just a douchey, immature frat boy who wears trucker hats, which have been out for 2 years now.

I used to love him (mostly cuz he had a plane…ok, only cuz he had a plane), but now I just want to run him over in his giant pimped out Range Rover. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him wanting to go out with Steph (besides the fact that she’s Stephanie, of course), but he needs to just admit that he likes her and move on. Not make it seem like she’s the one stalking him, or that he is doing some major charity work by begrudgingly taking her to dinner.

I’ve seen guys do this before and I know how it ends: everyone finds out. And, um, he’s on TV, so that is even more inevitable. I am not sure why or how Doug got so involved in this group (yes I do…it’s cuz he has a plane), but he needs to take his last-season trucker hat and scoot.

The final a-hole of the ep was Whitney. Not because she did anything wrong, but because she wore those weird suede flip flop ankle booties to the pool party. They are ugly, not really weather appropriate and a terrible material to wear when there is water nearby. I love you, Whitney, but if you want to get back on Team Not A-Hole, those “shoes” have to go.

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Looks like the joke’s on us, ladies. We were all tossing and turning last night worried about the fate of our dear Brody and Doug in jail, only to learn that they were not arrested.

They were in CASINO jail pressing charges against someone for pussy punching Doug and dumping a bloody mary on Brody. MTV, I hate you.

The real drama of the episode had nothing to do with jail at all. It had to do with Audrina, runny mascara and Spencer officially going down as the biggest jerk of all time.

Let’s begin with Spencer (because I can’t hold it in anymore). I would just like to ask – again – if anyone else remembers that time when Spencer was down and out over his breakup with Barbie and he turned to his sister for help. He did not clean up after himself. He never really left the couch. So now he has Heidi’s sis on his couch (or in his “office,” as he refers to it) for 48 hours and he won’t stop crying about it.

Maybe if he got a freaking job he wouldn’t have to spend all day with her. There is more to do in life than play video games and whine about your TiVo. We all know Spencer and Heidi don’t break up over this (because they are fame whores who can’t stay out of the mags), but I still find myself hoping that maybe Heidi will wake up, realize her bf has flesh colored facial hair and move the eff on.

Now onto the main show: Mascara Event 2008. Starring Lauren Conrad as the selfish friend who can’t take criticism and Audrina Partridge as the brooding outsider who just doesn’t feel accepted. Special guest appearances by: Lo Bosworth as the bitch who is driving everyone apart, and Justin Bobby as the stoned dude who just wants Audrina to surround herself with good energy.

This little showdown has been brewing for months – or ever since Lo came into the picture – and just like every fight I’ve ever had with my friends, it got way too big before the confrontation went down. Mistakes were discussed, loyalty was tossed around (“I go to those shows awkwardly bobbing my head for you!”) and, finally, the tears were a flowin’.

“All I want is to keep the past in the past,” Lauren said. And maybe some waterproof mascara? No? Watch the episode…you may change your mind.

Anyways, after yelling and fighting and crying….the girls make up. I really do hope they can stay friends, but I just don’t see that happning with evil Lo around. She seems to push all of LC’s friends away so she can keep her all to herself. Maybe she thinks she can double her salary if another friend is left in the dust?

Who knows. All I know is I want someone (Spencer) to go to jail (be beaten up) for real before the season ends.

P.S. Did anyone else see Lo on Facebook during the ep? Amazing.

[Photo courtesy of MTV.com]