It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like. Read More »

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor. Read More »

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television. Read More »

Some people say Ryan Seacrest the hardest worker in entertainment, but after last night I disagree. My DVR definitely works harder. Between The Biggest Loser, Glee, The Hills and The City, that little guy was on overdrive last night. I don’t know how he does it. I was stressed all day trying to figure out which show I’d watch first and which ones would have to wait for today. Obvi, The Hills season premier was on the A-List. And it did not disappoint.

Even if 29 of the 30 minutes of the show were devoted to Heidi listing off all the procedures she had done.

I just loved how those savvy MTV producers tried so hard to avoid showing Heidi’s face for the first 5 minutes of the show, trying to keep the suspense alive. As if we hadn’t already seen that fame whore on magazine covers, hosting trashy pool parties in Vegas or showing off her new goods on every. talk show. known to man.

But still, seeing her mom’s reaction when she saw her for the first time: priceless. I wasn’t surprised by her utter horror (I stared at those initial People pictures for a good hour trying to digest what happened to this chick), but Heidi was. She expected her mom to love her new face, her ginormous boobs and the fact that she couldn’t chew or talk. And when she didn’t, Heidi cried. Read More »

God, I wish I was Gaga more. than. ever.

Sandra Bullock says sayonara to Jesse James.

Well, that’s one way to deal with rejection…

Another Twilight book coming soon??

PETA should really do something about this.

Watch The Hills trailer! SCANDALOUS!

Heidi: "What's that smell?" Spencer: "Must be those burritos."

It’s time!

After months of waiting (and trying to avoid anything and everything Speidi-related), The Hills back. Yeah, it’s without Lauren, but she was getting boring anyway. It’s one thing to love her as a person (which I do), but it’s quite another to love watching her on a show (which I slept through).

So bring on Kristin!
Bring back Jusin Bobby’s berets!
Give Stephanie Pratt a cookie!
Give Spencer Pratt a labotomy!

And bring on the drama.

In case you missed it/want to reduce your IQ 100-150 points, Speidi has been doing some sort of live stream leading up to the season premier. Personally, I would rather get a poop facial than support anything those turds do, but someone sent it to me and now I can’t look away.

I. must. look. away.

Anyways, sit tight. Only 20 more minutes until the BIG PREMIER! I’m gonna go cut up an apple for a healthy snack. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m running to the corner for some cookie dough ice cream. I’ll be back!

9:51 PM: Ok, so this ice cream is really good. Not so good: watching the Speidi wedding all over again. She’s wearing my dream dress, that whore.

9:59 PM: What the hell is this Valemont shiz?

10:00 PM: It’s so weird hearing this raspy voice as the new narrator.

10:02: Kristin slapped Lauren? God I hope she smacks someone this season. And I love how they will give her “the benefit of the doubt” and be her friend. Read: “we wanna keep making sick amounts of money by being on this show so we’ll hang out with her.” Read More »

Okay girls, The Hills premiere is almost here! (September 29 at 10 pm, to be exact). I’m totally freaking out! I can barely contain my excitement. Yes, I know it is extremely embarrassing that I’m counting down the hours, but who’s with me?

Tomorrow night we can finally resume our  weekly ritual of guilty pleasures. For me it’ll be nachos, a glass of cheap wine and a drama packed half hour of catty girl fights in gorgeous outfits.

All the hype of Kristen replacing LC had me reminiscing of high school nights when I would crowd around the TV with my girlfriends to watch the Stephen-Colletti-tug-of-war on Laguna Beach. So, I sat down this weekend for a little revisit to the beginnings of this cash cow of a reality show that’s spitting out celebrities at an Octomom rate.

I’m not going to lie, taking this little trip down memory lane had me a bit melancholy, as I revisited the cast when they still used to consume solid food, had hair that didn’t scream bleach bottle, and sported an authentic California tan instead of layers of cakey makeup.

I’m a sucker for the drama of the new Hills season, but I’ll always miss the natural innocence of the girls that charmed us in the beginning.

Read More »