It all started in the whimsical land of Laguna Beach, where dreams and drama were born (if dreams included watching Steven juggle between Lauren and Kristen, and drama included which beach party to attend). Then the Laguna locals have moved to bigger boobs and better things, in Hollywood.  And now ‘The Hills’ begins it’s 7th and final run on Tuesday. Hold your caps folks, it’s going to be a wild ride! Kristen might get those star tattoos on her foot this time! Are you excited?!?

I am.

But besides the drama-jacked “reality,” there may be more to take from the extensions and unnaturally lit dinners than we think. I think it is important to learn from everything in life, even mistakes. And DVRing ‘The Hills’ is definitely a mistake…. that I keep on making. So in honor of our favorite guilty pleasure’s final season, the life lessons I took from ‘The Hills’:

1. How to Make the Right Decision
Lauren really taught us a valuable lesson in the first season.  Maybe shacking up at your low-life boyfriend’s beach house isn’t a dream come true.  Especially with a boyfriend who only plays basketball in his free time and pounds shots at exclusive clubs every night.  Thanks, but I’ll take the job in NYC, and leave the alcoholic boyfriend at home to wallow in his sorrows empty shot glass.

2. You Don’t Need a College Degree to Get a Job
Let me see if I’m getting this right: after surfing your entire high school career and attending black and white parties every weekend, you can road trip to L.A., walk into the offices of Vogue and intern aside sweet people like Whitney Port? See ya never, college!

3. Guys With Private Planes, Are a Dime a Dozen
Obviously, every dude on this planet owns a private jet and rolls out with the boys to Cabo every weekend.

4. There’s Someone Out There For Everyone
Even Justin Bobby, the greasy haired, beanie wearing, motorcycle riding, faux-philosophical asshat who burps and farts in public. (Note to self: Cancel that order for 12 cats.)

5. Living Together Is Not a Fairytale
While I don’t think any sort of fairytale should start with a blond bearded Spencer Pratt, ‘The Hills’ has taught us living with one ain’t the beginning of perfection either. The minute you move in with your man, all he is good for is stealing remote controls from small children and golfing in the backyard with his douchey buddies.

6. Anything Can Be Cool
Kristen made star tattoos sound cool when she briefly discussed getting a couple more on her foot in a light-hearted discussion with Justin Bobby last season.  And we all know plastic surgery and not being able to properly move your forehead will sell so many records for Heidi.

7. How to Discuss Issues with Friends
“So…what did you and Brody do last night?” Leading questions when hanging out with friends are a great way to pry the truth out of your peers.  It is also important to discuss issues only while shopping, eating at a bistro, or getting a mani-pedi.

8. Looks Are Everything
For a cast who spends 15 minutes of every episode getting a mani-pedi, and the other 15 minutes sifting through clothing racks, I can only come to the conclusion that looking good is the key to D-List celebrity status success.

9. How to be Romantic
Because tricking your husband into having a baby (over candlelight and dinner) is the ultimate in romance.

10.Proper Vocabulary
I don’t know how many times the word ‘seriously’ is used and abused in ‘The Hills’, but I think the consistency is a strong indicator that we should all be using it more. Seriously.

So there it is folks, we’ve learned a lot. Come back Wednesday morning for a full recap of the season premiere! And with that, I’m dunzo. Peace out, bitches.

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.”

Naturally, with moves like those, everyone and anyone could tell that Holly had developed a serious drinking problem. No one who has control over themselves and their bodies can pull moves like that…in front of other people. And I agree that the girl was totally out of line and embarrassing at the Brent Bolthouse party, but it seems a little ironic that the two people who seemed most bothered by her antics were:

1. Stephanie Pratt, a girl who just got arrested for a DUI
2. Spencer Pratt, a guy who wore an ill-fitting cowboy hat to a high class event in Hollywood.

Why don’t we cut the girl some slack? Lord knows if was to be tied to those two turds through marriage for the rest of my life (or at least until the Paparazzi stop taking their damn photo), I’d get hammered all the time, too. I mean, how else does one deal with flesh-beard?!

And speaking of people who make me want to hit the bottle super, duper hard, let’s talk about Justin Bobby. And when I say “hit the bottle” I mean “hit the bottle over his annoying hooded head.” Just wanted to clarify.

So Justin is playing two girls. Fine. One of them is an annoying fake who acts tough and cool (and suddenly has a giant house in Laguna that MTV definitely bought for her parents since her old Laguna house did NOT look like that) and the other is a total pushover who lets him walk all over her in his Doc Martins. Frankly, they both deserve it and I don’t really care how this ends up. Unless it ends in a giant girl fight, in which case my money is totally on Audrina. Have you seen her teeth? She could tear Kristen’s flesh from her bones in one quick chomp.

But I digress. My problem with this situation is that JB dated Audrina for 4 years and still doesn’t know her name.

“I’d never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge.”

Uh, homeboy, maybe that’s because you never dated an Audrina Patridge. You dated/dicked over Audrina PaRRRRtridge. R. Rrrr. Something you might have noticed or heard if you took that grease beanie off your head 3 seasons ago.

Oh god. Now I’m all heated up.

I’m gonna pull a Holly and get me a margarita.