Anyone else forget that it was Monday yesterday? I spent my day BBQing with friends (or eating whatever they BBQed while I sat on the couch watching tv) only to come home, turn on my TV and realize I was halfway through The Hills. I was devastated (“SPENCER IS SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE TONIGHT!!”), but then I realized that MTV was showing the episode 12 more times over the course of the evening.

When I finally did get to watch it, though, I was a little disappointed. I’ve said this before, but I know this show isn’t really real. I think anyone with half a brain and access to Us Weekly would know that. But I hate when MTV is careless with their editing, making it completely impossible for viewers to suspend their common sense and believe that this all might be real.

Case in point: Heidi gets engaged one night and asks Steph (presumably the next day) to invite Lauren. At the same time, Audrina and Lo have already received actual invitations. One might say, “Well, Lauren, that could have been shot months later.” Well, other people, I call bullsh*t, because then they pan back to Heidi and Lauren both talking to Steph about losing her job like it was only yesterday. I don’t know much about weddings (beyond the fact that I probably won’t have one until I’m 40), but I do know that it takes months to plan one and invitations do not just come out the next day.

But whatever. That’s not the point of this post.

The point is that Heidi is trying way too hard. And I’m not talking about the collagen in her lips. She’s trying too hard to bring Lauren back into her life. What happened to playing hard to get, Heids? First she sent Stephanie in to get Lauren to the wedding and she said no. She sent in Stephanie again and Lauren said no. She went to Lauren’s work herself (because people can just pop into your job in LA and no one cares) and Lauren said no…. and also said a whole lot more in a beautiful speech about love and aspiring to be like Heidi. Now, I know this is a tangent, but does anyone remember Heidi from season 1 of The Hills? The girl couldn’t even make it to class and dropped out of school after a week – Lauren aspired to be like a waste of space?

But Heidi didn’t stop there. She then sends Spencer in to make his first apology in 24 years. (Homeboy never apologized to his parents for being born, or to his friend for letting him keep that awful ‘stash?!) And he did it! He called Lauren up and admitted to the sex tape scandal and apologized for being such a turd.

While all this work may actually get Lauren to the wedding (duh, she goes, just watch “scenes from the next episode”), my main issue is that it is not going to get Lauren to be BFF with Heidi again. And that is why Heidi is a moron. She is putting so much pressure on having this person at her wedding – a person who couldn’t care less about her and really wants nothing to do with her and her new husband. Heidi should just focus on her $18,000 wedding dress and how she’s going to work those extensions and stop putting so much focus on whether or not LC will be sitting in the pews on her wedding day.

Oh and Brody? Stop being such a d-bag. I know I’ve always loved you, but it’s a real dick move to let your GF talk all that sh*t about Audrina, and even talk some sh*t too, when you were in the wrong that night too. It’s easy to put all the blame on the other woman, but you messed up too so it’s time to own up and be a man. PS. Audrina is hotter than that mess you are with. That is all.

Upon meeting Heidi’s dad on last night’s episode of The Hills, I expected a little more from MTV. For instance, I expected a scene out of some sort of Western movie where Mr. Montag walks through swinging saloon doors, gives Spencer a look and then does some fancy moves with the gun in his holster as a tumbleweed blows by.

Instead I got some BS brunch at a Hollywood eatery where Spencer tripped over his words as he attempted to impress the Cowboy. Words that Heidi’s dad most definitely did not understand. So, Cowboy Montag, if you are reading this right now, I’d like to take this opportunity to translate that mumbo jumbo that came out of Pretty Boy Pratt’s mouth so maybe you can stop this wedding before it happens. Oh wait…. Well, at least you’ll know what he was talking about.

What Spencer Said: “So I say to this guy, ‘you’d really do this?’ and he gets in my face and he’s like, ‘yeah, you know, what are you gonna do?’ and that’s when I, you know, massaged his face a little bit… lightly.”

What That Means: “I punched someone for telling Heidi I was doing something wrong. And I’m an a$$hole. Please don’t shoot me.”

But the Cowboy doesn’t shoot him (aw shucks!); instead, he gives him permission to marry Heidi. Could it be that he actually likes Spencer (yeah right), or is it more likely that he wants Heidi to stop tarnishing the pure “Montag” name and start ruining someone else’s legacy?

Spencer doesn’t want anyone to change their minds so he off and runs to get Heidi a ring. A giant ring.
A ring that weighs more than the girl (even with that giant weave and those duck lips). A ring that he could obviously afford with that great job of his. Oh, he doesn’t have a job? So Heidi’s engaged/married to MTV? Sounds about right.

Not that I saw the engagement coming. I mean, I had no idea those two even got married! I wish they covered this couple a bit more. It’s just hard when they hate the media so much.  When Spencer took Heidi to the top of the ferris wheel I was kinda hoping for a double dive into the cement below.
Especially after Heidi called him SPENCEY.

Too bad all I got was a marriage proposal.

Oh yeah, other things happened this episode, too. Lauren fired Steph from her job, and while she looked like she was upset (or trying really hard to seem that way), Steph was far more concerned with the guy from the White Tie Affair to really focus on anything job-related. And good job MTV for the smooth band placement in the episode. Is this the next hot band we’re supposed to fall in love with?

Perhaps they’ll be playing at the Speidi wedding. How romantic.

Ok, now correct me if I’m wrong, but Brody did come out of his hotel room in Hawaii and tell all the boys that he cheated on Jayde, right? (And what the hell kind of stripper name is Jayde, really?!) Does Brody consider sitting up all night talking about his GF with another girl cheating or was he just trying to impress his friends by telling them that he cheated?

Because this week we learn that he didn’t hook up with Audrina at all and they just slept – yes, slept – in the same bed. Being an adult woman, I do consider that inappropriate for someone in a relationship, but I wouldn’t call that cheating. And if it were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t get my trashy, Playmate entourage to stick their fake press-on nails in that poor girl’s face.

It’s not that big a deal. And my friends don’t wear fake nails.

I felt really bad for Audrina. Yes, it seems like girls in L.A. don’t understand the boundaries of liking men who are committed to someone else (See: Stacie…. if you consider Spencer to be a man), but Brody totally led that girl on. And then left her out to dry as his tranny-looking GF attacked her. I swear, if Audrina stuck around a little longer Jayde was gonna knock her out with the empty Jager bottle.

If Jayde was really so mad, she should take a break from Brody. But no – she can’t do that. Her career already peaked when she got naked for Playboy, so she’s gotta keep Brody around so she can get another 15 minutes of un-earned fame. Too bad having her back means taking a trip down Speidi path where he is going to alienate all of his friends just to have sex with a Playmate.

Seriously, if people attempted to learn about relationships from this show they’d walk away thinking that people in love make stupid decisions and end up losing all their friends. WTF, MTV?

I mean, look at Spencer and Heidi. They totally moved to Spray Tan/Blonde Hair Island and no one else was invited. Now they are in “therapy” dealing with the fact that they only have eachother…and it’s not that great. I could have told them that, you know, if I cared to see them in a happy relationship. But I didn’t and now they are spending their Saturday afternoons with a therapist instead of chasing the paparazzi through Hollywood and fake making out.

Gosh, I just hope they make it work. I really don’t know how it’s all going to turn out for them. Will they take that walk down the aisle? Will Heidi wear a Monique Lhullier dress and 1 million dollars in borrowed diamonds? Will Stephanie and Holly be the bridesmaids? Will LC show up? What about Kristen Cavillari? And will there be a weird pandemic of some dangerous flu that comes out of Mexico forcing Speidi to shorten their honeymoon and makeout in the airport wearing surgical masks?

I just don’t know. And we’re going to have to wait and find out. Ah! The suspense is going to kill me!!

Even though I know full and well that The Hills is all a crock of reality sh*t, I still spend a good chunk of each episode pulling out the proof. For example, if the show were real, then there would be no way Lauren would get to take time off from her internship last minute to jet-set to Hawaii.  And if the show were real, that Bible in Spencer’s hand would have been real….and would have burned at his touch.

Because there is no way the devil can hold the word of God in his hands and walk away unscathed, right?

All that aside, though, I have never been as entertained by this show as I was when watching Speidi hold bible study in their den of sin with Heidi’s ex boyfriend and his current tranny girlfriend. I know, I know; those two Crested Butte kids are good people and I shouldn’t hate, but when that girl walked into dinner, I really thought she was a man. In an old man’s Hawaiian shirt.

But I did warm up to her pretty quickly; the “girl” had me at, “you look so different. You don’t even look like the same person.”

Thank you for saying what everyone else on earth has ignored for 5 seasons, Christian Tranny! Everyone else seems to ignore the 412 plastic surgery/Botox injections Heidi has had, which, I might add, only prove that she didn’t like the way God made her and took matters into her own hands. Where are those Christian values, Heids?

Not everyone spent their week talking to Jesus (though I imagine Brody and Audrina spoke to him at some point during their trip. Ayooooo); on an island across the ocean, LC, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina decided to surprise the boys in Hawaii. Because showing up where you aren’t invited is always a good idea. While there, the girls hold a secret contest to see who can wear the biggest sunglasses. My congrats go out to Stephanie Pratt for covering nearly 2/3rds of that Pratt Mug with her oversized choice.

But that wasn’t enough for Steph; she also needed to create some un-needed drama by pushing Audrina to hook up with Brody. Now, I know there was some serious sexual tension there (the dude nearly humped her in her monokini), and I know what it’s like to want to get back at an ex, but Brody has a girlfriend. A girlfriend they all know. No matter how horny you are, there has got to be boundaries, women! Respect! SOMETHING.

Not that it matters. Things heat up, people get drunk and Brody finds Audrina on his bed talking to dirty boy, JB.

They talk, she bats her eyelashes and he says, “And if we decide to one night – nobody around, late night… – feelings are feelings.”

Swoon. I’m pretty sure he’s the only dude who can come up with that line and not come across as a skeezy d-bag. In fact, I went to be last night hoping he’d show up in my bedroom and say the same thing. And then do a little strip tease….

Sorry, got lost in my thoughts for a moment. Anyways, no one knows what really happened in that bungalow of love…. oh wait; yes they do. Because Brody saunters out in the morning and announces it to the cameras. Still, he doesn’t want it getting back to Jade and trusts Audrina  is not going to tell anyone about it.

Pfft. Yeah right, Brodes. You think you know women?  Even if Audrina wanted to keep this little hump sesh hush hush, she wouldn’t have a chance. When she walks out of her bedroom she’s walking into a pit with hungry (yet slighty rexi) lions who won’t let her out until they take in every. last. juicy. detail.

That sh*t will be back in LA before they land. And Lord knows I can’t wait. In fact, last night, inspired by Spencer’s newfound love for Jesus, I whipped out my bible and prayed for it.

Please let me take a moment to apologize for a lack of recap on last week’s season premier. I left DVRing up to my mother while I watched MSU get slaughtered in the NCAA championship…. And then came home to find out she doesn’t know how to DVR. (She then backed into my car in the driveway the next morning, which is why I am no longer coming home for Passover. Ruin my life once, shame on me. Ruin my life twice… well, you know the rest.)

The double feature was amazing (the boat party, the trip to Crystal Butte, Spencer throwin’ punches) and I am super grateful that MTV likes to show everything 42 times in a week.  Though I still do not forgive my mother.

Anyways, last night’s episode – while not quite as action packed as last week – was also pretty, pretty good. I always love an awkward interaction and boy did we get it when Stephanie applied for a job with People’s Revolution. Granted, I would be crapping my pants if I had to interview with Kelly Cutrone (her teeth are scarier than her ‘tude), but I would also make sure my resume was perfection before I walked through the door. I would also probably learn the difference between “professional attire” and doing my hair like a meth addict.

But that’s just me.

Kelly took one look at Steph, then chewed her up with those fangs and spit her out.  She doesn’t like Steph, but I think that’s why she hired her. That bitch loves to cut people up, and I can’t wait to see what she does to poor Ms. Pratt.  Although, it can’t be worse than dealing with Spence, right?

Speaking of Spencer, the other major dramz in the episode was with Speidi. Heidi returns to LA from visiting Mama Pratt and immediately starts fighting with the Bearded Spencer. I have to ask: does anyone else notice that when Heidi leaves town Spencer grows a beard? Do you think maybe shaving his face is a couples activity? Ew.

So, Heidi’s back and the couple starts fighting and Spencer acts like a baby. He leaves and decides to “hit the clubs” with his mustached, 40-year-old-looking friend…and the bartender. Heidi and Steph decide to do a little recon work and go to every bar in the city that might be cool that night. Weird! They found him on the first try!

“Oh my gosh, you’re right. He’s here.” Best acting ever, Heidi. So, there is confrontation and name calling (“slut,” “crazy,” “home-wrecker”), but much to my dismay, there is no platinum-weave-pulling.

Heidi spends the night on Steph’s couch and wakes up really distraught about the whole thing….with a lot of perfect makeup on. Now, I’ve slept in my makeup post bar hundreds of times, so I know what that’s like, but I wake up with mascara smeared down my cheek and the bar stamp from my hand rubbed off on my chin. Her hair does look a little like a hot mess, though, so there’s that.

Steph tells Heidi to try therapy. Heidi, who told Spencer never to call her again, meets him for some grub and tells him again never to call her again before she teeters off into the distance with her after-sex hair and way-too-tall heels.

And curtain!
Whew! What an episode! I had lost faith in MTV not-so-reality shows after The City premiered, but, DAYUM, The Hills is so good. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, MTV. Never again.