OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch.

But I guess it wasn’t a total loss of 30 minutes. We did get to see Stephanie Pratt’s impressive wardrobe (that sh*t couldn’t all fit into her walk-in closet!) and watch her have a mild meltdown about ordering a Coke on a first date. Seriously, she made it seem like she was going to order actual coke and use her straw to do lines off of Lo’s bare stomach on the table. Is it really that big of a deal to be sober on a first date, girl? It’s not like this kid doesn’t have the Internet; he clearly knows about your DUI. Hell, my MOM knows about your DUI. I think the bigger issue here is that you don’t know what lacrosse is. And, obvi, who your brother is.

But none of that mattered. Homeboy offered Steph his jacket, took her digits and asked her out on a second date. At least someone is having some luck with love around here, because things are not going well for Kristin. Of course, that’s what happens when you lie to the guy you’re sleeping with and try to pretend you’re totally OK with doin’ it casually and letting him borrow your crop top. Everyone knew that was all bullsh*t (I’m sure both Steph’s date AND my mom knew that was bullsh*t), but Kristin really tried to convince the world she was totes happy living the single life. Which is way more difficult now that she went cray cray on the Brode-man, told him to shut up, then stormed out of his house.

Way to keep it together, KC. This just proves (once again) that FWB doesn’t work, that someone always has more feelings than someone else and that Kristin is just another annoying girly girl.

$20 says she goes home and does drugs. I mean, her legs were looking really skinny last night….

After a four-mile walk and a giant falafel sandwich (thus negating said four-mile walk), I grabbed my laptop and settled in on my couch for another riveting episode of The Hills. Like every time the show is on, I took notes on the ridiculous things that were happening so I could write this very recap.

But when the 30 minutes were up, I was speechless. There were so many questions left unanswered that I didn’t know what to write. I stayed up all night tossing and turning, thinking about Brody’s past with Ryan Cabrera and Stacy’s return to her bartending gig. I woke up this morning hoping for clarity and calm, but found none.

“If only I had Spencer’s crystals,” I thought to myself.

Unfortunately, I do not. Instead, all I have is ten pressing unanswered questions.

1. Why does everyone have to refer to Ryan Cabrera as “Ryan Cabrera” every time he is mentioned?

2. Why did Brody and Frankie have to drive downtown to shoot hoops? Were there not any open basketball courts in the gated communities they live in? Brody doesn’t have a basketball hoop at his bachelor pad?

3. Why did Kristin invite Stephanie to her party? If she’s so mad at her for calling Perez and spreading that whole “Kristin’s on coke” rumor, couldn’t she leave her off the guest list?

4. Speaking of Stephanie, does everyone who gets a DUI get a brand new BMW SUV as a gift?

5. Why are Spencer and Heidi sitting alone outside at Kristin’s party? Do Heidi 3.0’s boobs not fit through the door?

6. Why is Spencer wearing so much jewelry?
7. Does he realize how ridiculous he looks?
8. And a bird feather? WTF? How is a sad, broken bird feather going to give him serenity?
9. How long has it been since he’s taken a shower/brushed his hair?

10. What exactly is a Heidi Montag “surgery hug!”?

Please advise.

Take Kristin and Brody, for example. She tells him that Jayde texted her and wants to meet up. Then the next scene is Brody shooting pool and telling Frankie and that other hottie that Jayde texted Kristin and wants to meet up.

MTV expects me to work with that kind of crap?

Anyways, since there wasn’t really much to cover last night I decided to break the episode down into a fun little list. So here 10 notes/thoughts/things from last night’s episode of The Hills.

1. Heidi tells her therapist, “I think [Spencer] wants kids and he doesn’t know it yet,” then reveals her plan to trick him into being a dad. Which might be the scariest thing of all time. I don’t think Spencer wants kids. I don’t think Spencer can handle kids. And I know for sure society can’t handle a mini Speidi. Please stay on your birth control, Heidi. Please

2. Jayde should be in Twilight. Or Lord of the Rings. I’m sure the girl can’t act, but at least that black hair/pasty skin combo would fit in somewhere.

3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I never understand why all these people meet up at bars and restaurants to have their fights. When Kristin and Jayde met up to pull each other’s hair and call each other names, Kristin ordered a perfectly delicious Gray Goose and soda but called Jayde a “huge bitch” and stormed about before it even arrived. What a waste of good vodka!

4. And now Jayde has to fork over the $12 for that drink? You know that girl is gonna freak out and punch Kristin next time she sees her for sticking her with the bill.

5. Then Kristin gets all dolled up the next night to meet up with Brody and make him want her lady goods – again, over a meal – and what happens? He tells her he’s getting back with dumb Jayde. (Dumb might actually be an understatement.) So now Kristin has to sit there, pretend she’s happy for him and finish her meal. Couldn’t this conversation have been had on the phone so she could hang up, cry, then raid her fridge?

6. Uh, hello Jersey Shore commercial!! I can’t possibly be the only one counting down the minutes until that sh*tshow kicks off on December 3^rd. Unlike this trainwreck, those Jersey Shore kids look 100% real. Trust me; those guys really do spend 25 minutes getting their hair ready. This is like my favorite True Life episode of all time on steroids. OMG I’M GIDDY!

7. If there were an IQ minimum for being on this show, I think Lo Bosworth would be doing a solo act.

8. Speaking of morons, where has Stephanie Pratt been? And Holly? Are they rehabbing it up together?

9. When Kristin and Brody go on their non-date, she tells him she’s “sick of being in the middle of all this.” “This,” of course, is a reference to the Jayde/Brody drama and the Audrina/Justin Bobby drama. Anyone else think maybe it’s time she stopped dating in the inner circle (Read: the paid cast) and maybe met someone who wasn’t sorta attached to someone else? Maybe? Possibly? Anyone?

10. Brody taught me a very important lesson last night: love makes you do stupid things. Or stupid people. With really grating voices. Who drag out the vowels in every single word. And wear Playboy bunny necklaces out to the bar. I agree with Kristin – he can do a lot better. Like me.

Just sayin’.

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995.

Kristin is my worst nightmare. She’s the kind of girl that wants everyone to think she’s spunky and blunt and honest, because that makes her look better than everyone else. She throws girls under the bus when she’s hanging out with guys to make herself look like the “cool, laid back chick,” then turns around and lies to the very girls she claims are her friends.

The fact that she is trying to convince not only Lo, Stacie (why is this girl friends with Kristin? How did the bartender get into the group? Can someone at MTV explain THAT one, please?!) and Justin Bobby, but also herself, that she met up with JB to tell him nothing was going to happen makes me want to claw her little eyes out.

Listen, Kristin; I’ve been around the block a few times and I know just what to say to get a guy to take you home and get you naked. I also know just what to say if that man is the last person on earth you want to get naked with. I am fairly confident that “I have the best bed” works with the former and “I can’t hook up with you because I respect your big-toothed ex girlfriend” works better in the latter sitch. Just sayin’.

Not that I really need to explain this to anyone, as Kristin and a newly shaved JB were caught sucking face at the club. (Kudos to MTV for that editing – Kristin and Justin Bobby are smooching while Audrina watches some Emo girl band sing “is there anything left that will satisfy me?”) Poor Audrina. Naturally, Stephanie (who is in serious need of a cookie) runs to Audrina to tell her the news. And because Justin Bobby is such a dreamboat, Audrina is a hot mess when she hears this.

“He’s just so different now,” She cried.

Uh, sorry Audrina, but JB is not different at all. He’s still treating you like crapola, just like he did the entire time you were dating.

Well, maybe he did change a little. He shaved, stopped wearing dirty ski caps and refrained from burping and farting on his first date with Kristin. But he’s still the same jerk to Audrina.

I just hope this new couple works out – these too ass-clowns totally deserve each other. And we all know that The Hills needs one totally dysfunctional couple. That used to be Speidi but I have a gut feeling (and I’m totes gonna trust this one) that Heidi is going to wake up one day and realize what an idiot she’s been.

And that her face looks totally ridiculous.

I’d just like to highlight my favorite moments from their relationship last night:

Heidi, discussing her desire to have kids: “He needs to be outside of himself.” Ok, great. She realized what a selfish prick Spencer is, but isn’t it a little LATE TO NOTICE A GIANT CHARACTER FLAW like that?  That isn’t something you can just change about someone. That is who he is until the day he dies (fingers crossed to that happening sooner rather than later. I kid. Sorta).

And Spencer, discussing why he doesn’t want kids: “I can barely be around adults how am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?” If only he realized how much money he could get from selling the photos of his spawn to the Tabloids. The moment that happens, those two turds will have a litter.