Regardless of voice quality though, her clothing (and I state the following with the full knowledge that I sound like my Nana) is highly indecent. If Ali’s sole purpose this half hour was to expose as much flesh as possible, she beyond succeeded. I’m talking more copious amounts of mid-driff than usual people. In one scene she actually wears what I believe to be a short, Lycra unitard. After I stopped laughing at my use of the word unitard, I pondered how she manages not to suffocate her vagina.

All thoughts of Ali Lohan’s vajay aside, I snapped back to reality (television, that is) to see a Chris Crocker look alike stalking Dina at the gym. Turns out he’s a choreographer. After checking out his myspace page, DiLo calls him and for some reason feels the urge to say “Yes it’s really me,” and agrees to check out his moves at the Pearl. This is the beginning of what I believe to be a beautiful and staged relationship between a gay man and hetero woman.

Obviously Dina must test his talents by dancing with him personally before declaring that it’s up to Ali, and they should meet. I’m not sure why Ali needs a choreographer at this point, but her impending success must have inspired Dina to live vicariously through another one of her daughters again.

So Dina wants Ali and the Dancing Queen to meet, so she can check out their “chemistry”. To me, it seems like Dina is trying to force another overage companion on her daughter in the form of this choreographer. Ali really has no friends her own age. Not once since the mean girls incident have I even seen her interact with any other 14 year olds. Yet Dina is determined to find people who really and truly understand Ali. Um, why not go to Abercrombie or a Miley Cyrus concert? I think your target audience may be a little more accessible?

While the search for another kindred soul to Ali’s “artiste” persona is on, Cody wonders what his mom looks like while she’s dancing. I have no clue who inspired such madness or horror (joking, joking Dina boo) in my adorable dreamboat, but he is determined to see his mom back in action. He flyers the whole hotel with posters of his mom’s impromptu dance recital to draw an audience to her meeting with “Ali’s” choreographer.

Naturally, Dina acts totes modest/embarrassed at what Cody’s done. However she gives it away by emitting an ethereal, orangey glow of happiness. Wait, that’s her Mystic. But she’s still f*cking escatic. She obliges, heats up the stage and works those platinum extensions! She is pretty damn good, I must agree with Cody, but I highly highly doubt that routine wasn’t pre-choreographed– Rockette or not, she was working those splits a little too easily.

Now that Dina has fulfilled her attention quota for this episode, the focus (sorta) shifts back to Ali. The Maloofs throw her a going away party, to celebrate her finished recording stint in LV. The toast her career, she toasts Dina’s support, I toast the fact that she’s wearing a demure black shift that is sophisticated yet not slutty. Then the fam packs up and peaces out of the Palms in true LoClan style: via pimp green Escalade.

Back at home, Ali resumes her role as moody whiner as she has second thoughts about the reception of her upcoming cd– especially while she’s still label shopping. She talks to her contact at Maloof about her impatience while waiting for the results of her final productions. Meanwhile, Dina has reprised her role as momager extraordinaire, while she simultaneously tries to explain to her daughter the importance of not rushing things, or forcing them, and taking them slow (good luck with that one) and promoting Ali’s blossoming, um, career.

Oh, the conflict never ceases to amaze me–nor do you Dina my love.

Next week: Dina and Michael confirm that Ali is a bratty douchebag after she gets all pouty face about screen testing for a man who looks like a troll and is… making a movie about trolls.

For some reason, Ali chooses to adopt an even more nasally tone for this 25 minute tribute to ungratefulness. She complains in this obnoxious tantrum pending voice about all of the trials life has delivered to her. Like the fact that she, her awesome brother and (arguably) cool mom have to live in a tricked out penthouse at the Palms while she records her album. I guess it gets pretty taxing when you’re attending all of these exhausting “Welcome to Vegas!” parties (with delicious looking cake) thrown just for you by the f*#king Maloufs.

Ugh, sorry about that. Anyways, Dina introduces Ali (who is wearing a gorgeous but way too mature minidress) to a bunch of important 30 something guys that she wants Ali to “get comfortable with.” Dina baby, they’re mentally undressing your 14 year old — not very comfort inducing, I would say. The men all flirt with Ali while she fidgets, present her the aforementioned cake (note to self, go buy something with chocolate as soon as I’m done writing) and begin an episode long tradition of complimenting Ali and promising her she’s the next big thing.

Ali, unnerved by all this attention, tells Alexis she’s starting to feel the heat. Dina gives her a necklace as a job well done gift (even though she hasn’t done anything yet.) Apparently, Ali is very comfortable with doing very little and expecting great outcomes, because in the studio the next day, she is a difficult and annoying child.

Ali interrupts herself with criticism every 5 seconds and you can see the frustration seeping out of the producers’ faces. Meanwhile, her wierd ass vocal coach tries to teach Ali how to sing un-flat notes. Her voice has the potential to be good, but she does this wierd man sounding thing that my friend Sarah does when she sings Carrie Underwood. Yea, it’s more Kermit than Mariah, but it’s nothing the Maloufs’ Auto-Tune can’t fix.

Ali then takes a break from recording, even though she’s accomplished like, 3 verses. When she gets back, the producer tells her she’s done for today. Her homework: work on her confidence and staying in the moment–she has all the natural gifts, but needs to stop being a whiny, impatient brat (in so many words).

To ease the viewers’ frustration, the wise wise powers that be at E! intersperse Ali’s episodes with the sheer brilliance that is Cody Lohan. Dina feels bad for her bored youngest, and takes Cody out on the town while Ali records, for some mommy and me bonding time. First stop, lunch with a famous magician who impresses Cody, Dina and I with double entendre laden magic tricks about multiplying rabbits. Next, to soothe his disappointment that there’s no soccer in Vegas (and here I thought there’s no crying in baseball), Codeman gets his sports fix at a sweet arcade, and gets to run around a wax museum with Dina. I don’t know about her use of Botox, but she seemed awfully at home amongst all those frozen faces–JK Dina you beautiful creature, I know your secret is probably something Long Island old school that Nana taught you.

Ali, back at the hotel room after a hard day’s “work” calls Dina to complain about not doing anything. Um ,you recorded your album…isn’t that why you’re here? She whines about being tired and not being able to go out and play with mom and Cody.

Dina comes to talk to Ali about her pissy attitude today. Ali complains more about not being able to go out and have fun when she was recording all day. Dina gently explains to Ali that she’s here to work and record–not run around Vegas with her family. She tells Ali that if she wants this, she needs to work, or they’ll just pack it up and head back East. Ali agrees to give it another shot.

Dina then talks to Ali’s babysitter producer about her naptime, snack time, when she needs to be changed, etc. Dina explains that, being that Ali is only 14, she is a whiny little git by default. I guess this makes sense, and yes, the producers must remember that “the talent” is a child. However Ali needs to remember that she is being given the chance of a lifetime, not thanks to her own merit, but as a bonus of her (legitimate, non secret bastard child) sister’s hard work, pre-trainwreck. Suck it up and realize how awesome your life is woman!

Then Dina takes Ali to the Pearl theater to have Ali lip sync her own song. This is supposed to instill Ali with some cojones, and apparently works. She hits the studio with renewed energy and confidence, and even worse annunciation skills. Nonetheless, the grown ups are all pleased.

Everyone gathers for the big reveal of a portion of her song “All the Way Around” Cody deems it excellent and everyone reassures Ali that she’s going to be the next big thing (again). I fight the urge to backhand my TV and wonder if Ali has learned any semblance of a lesson. Oh Well.

Next Week:

Cody meets the Girls Next Door. I think he and Kendra should play a round of soccer together. Although it may lead to him developing a crush on her and ruining my chances of marrying him.

Jeremy arrives in Vegas (ugh) to try to get Ali to sing a “guy song.” The clips show everyone being annoyed and frustrated by Jeremy’s general presence, and I wonder if it’s finally time for them to give him the boot. I also wonder if he has eyeballs, or if those stupid glasses are a coverup for empty sockets. Hmm.

I don’t know about anyone else out there, but I for one am quite excited about the return of Lo to The Hills this season.

And how could you not? She coined “Justin-Bobby”!

She also happens to be the only normal person to ever appear on this damn network. And every episode makes me love her more, especially when she gets drunk and shows her biz-ness to the world.

But Lo’s va-jay is not the (only) reason I loved The Hills last night. It was the ever so glamorous trip to Vegas with a hint of Heidi/Spencer dramaa that really did me in. Oh, and by “drama” I mean yet another trip to that damn Mexican restaurant.

Oh and let me just say that watching Spencer sporting the beard makes me constantly wonder if I’m watching The Hills or watching that new show Cavemen.

But enough about that thing – let us focus ourselves back on the good stuff: Vegas.

Or rather what the party would have been like had Lauren and crew not shown up. From what I saw, without a visit from LC Brody’s 24th birthday bash would have involved three guys sitting around talking about how much fun they were having in a very tacky hotel suite.

Thankfully, LC and Co. (including yet another awful piece of Justin-Bobby headwear) did arrive and the party really got started. Shots were taken, Britney’s were exposed and scandalous make out sessions were had all around. And, just like every drunken birthday party I have attended in the past four years, the evening was topped off with a drunken fight on a revolving bed.

I wish I could have jumped into the TV and stopped Lo from bringing up the dreaded “Justin-Bobby hates us” convo. I have been there before, Lo, and while we think it’s a good idea to discuss touchy subjects while drinking (because we are all drunk and this will be funnier now!), it always ends badly.

Thankfully, Audrina safely stepped off the rotating bed before crying, crying more about how Lauren hates her now, getting angry and storming out of the room in search of her mangy man.

And that is how the night ended. With Lauren all pensive by Brody’s indoor pool (what?!) and then a little tiff/make up kiss with the Brode-Man on his mega bed. Not the most exciting ending considering MTV made it look like another sex-tape was about to be made, but scenes for the rest of the season are looking pretty f*cking awesome.

But before I leave you to catch up on my DVR’d Oprah’s, I have to ask you this:

In a contest between Justin’s ugly hats, Spencer’s beard and Brody’s bionic hand…who would win?