Survivor has done it. Top Chef has done it. And now it’s time for us to do it. Well, sort of.

Actually it’s more a suggestion, one we’re offering up to the Bravo powers that be because frankly, we don’t think they have the creativity necessary to come up with such a brilliant idea. Enough with the Real Housewives of New York. The Real Housewives of Atlanta. The Real Housewives of Miami. (Making its way to a TV near you very soon.) Forget cities. Think personalities.

Imagine if the women were forced to interact with Real Housewives from another show? Teresa and Lisa cooking together?  Maybe Catherine helping Vicki check things off of her her bucket list? Think about these women. Think about the chaos they could cause together.

Think about all of that fake blonde hair and tan skin in one room.

The possibilities are endless here, and that’s why we’re proposing The Ultimate Real Housewives House. Only for the biggest and the best of the Real Housewives franchise. For the ones you love, the ones you hate and the ones you love to hate. Only one per city, so…who makes the cut?

Name: Teresa Giudice
City: New Jersey
Claim to Fame: Her cookbook, Skinny Italian. And all that leopard.
Words of Wisdom: “A meatball without sauce – is that even legal?”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Because she is the ultimate Jersey girl, born and raised. Who better to represent Jersey?

Name: Victoria Gunvalson
City: The O.C.
Claim to Fame: She owns a life insurance business.
Words of Wisdom: “Woo Hoo!”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Why, her awesome catch phrase, of course. And her “fierce determination,” aka her inability to admit defeat. And how she looks down her nose at all those women who don’t work (cough Teresa cough). Should keep things mighty interesting.

Name: Catherine Ommaney
City: Washington D.C.
Claim to Fame: She’s British. That’s enough.
Words of Wisdom:”I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: She’s a bitch British and she’s a party girl. She’s a British party girl!

Name: Lisa VanderPump
City: Beverly Hills
Claim to Fame: Actress? Restaurant owner? She does it all, even if we don’t notice.
Words of Wisdom: “In Beverly Hills it’s who you know, and I know everyone.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Because in my mind, with Lisa comes Jiggy. And with Jiggy comes Vicki’s claws as, in a white wine induced fit, she tears that little pup apart and eats him for dinner.

Name: Jill Zarin
City: New York
Claim to Fame: Her advice book, Secrets of a Jewish Mother.
Words of Wisdom: “If I start feeling jewelry, you might feel something good later.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Because she has some awesome one liners. Because she runs with a fabulous circle of people. Because we want to see how some other fabulous people respond to her awesome one liners.

Name: Kim Zolciak
City: Atlanta
Claim to Fame: Tardy for the Party? Google Me? I’m sorry, are these songs?
Words of Wisdom: “People call me a gold digger but they just want what I have.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Anything to get her to stop trying to become a singer, please.

Please take note;  these are not necessarily our favorite housewives. We’re not claiming they’re the best or the brightest. We’re just putting out there how absolutely hysterical it would be to see this particular group of women in the same room. (A Kim Zolciak and Jill Zarin showdown, maybe?) Just think about all the cat fights, all the broken nails. All the wasted hair spray…

So what do you think, girls? Which women would be BFFs and which would be mortal enemies? And maybe the more important question, in what city should the ultimate housewives house be?

Here at CollegeCandy, we’re suckers for a good trashy reality show. Which is why I’ve decided to highlight my favorite trashy reality franchise: The Real Housewives. It’s the The Hills in 30+ years, chock full of cougars, bubbies, designer clothes and countless bottles of Pinot Grigio. What’s not to love? Well, besides annoying-ass Vicki Gundelson…

Since I just spent 8 hours on a beautiful Sunday mesmerized by these “ladies” (the jury is still out on Kelly’s gender at birth), I’ve decided to count down the top ten best moments in Housewives history. Which, mind you, was incredibly difficult to narrow down. (Sorry there’s not enough Atlanta loving in the mix; I’m not up to date on that series.)

Did I miss one? Let me know your favorite Housewives moment in the comments. But for now, kick back, relax and relive the moments.

10. “Fabulousssss”
Teresa Giudice of the Real Housewives of New Jersey showcases her H.I.T. (housewives in training) daughters as they light up their screen in their neon pink outfits, huge flowers in their hair, posing in a way that Tyra would be proud of, and in their most guidette voice, “Fabuloussssssss!”

9. Anything involving Grandma Wrinkles
Dina Manzo loves her kitty cats. But I just can’t help to love to hate her Mr. Bigglesworth lookalike furless friend. Top Play? When Grandma Wrinkles gets a bath in the kitchen sink. Really? Can’t get enough of Grandma Wrinkles on television? Don’t worry. She, like most of the housewives, has a Twitter detailing her life with Dina and, of course, Ladybug.

8. Money Can’t Buy Ya Class (but it can buy you glittery bell bottoms and a skeevy producer to mix your track)
There’s not much to say about the Countess’ clear breakaway hit. Listening to her in the recording studio was a real treat for me, but the even better delight was my inability to get this song stuck out of my head for the next three weeks.

7. Ramona runs the Runway at Brooklyn Fashion Week(end)
Let’s see, if the side pony, the stomping down the runway, or dealing with the fact that Brooklyn Fashion Week even exists (why?) weren’t enough to handle– Ramona just kept the hits coming when she stormed the runway with her signature crazyface and bulging eyes. For a moment, I couldn’t tell if I had accidentally sat on the remote and changed the channel to RuPaul’s Drag Race. Blech.

6. “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”
The demise of the original mean girl, Miss Zarin herself. When Jill decided to pop down to St. John to “surprise” her “besties” – 2 of whom hated her (Bethenny and Alex), 1 of whom just wanted the conversation to go back to sex (Sonja) and the other who was hellbent on the comfort of her guests post-traumatic Kelly Bensimon Blowpop breakdown (Ramona) – let’s just say it did not go according to plan. Interrupting the pedicure sesh left Jill high and dry in her G5 with the elusive Bobby (props on the Kodak polo shirt, buddy) crying the entire way to St. Lucia. Boo. Hoo.

5. University of Vicki
Here we have a classic case of partying past your prime. Ladies, take note. Flip cup and beer pong is all good and funtimes now, but please, please don’t pull a Vicki Gunvalson of the Real Housewives of Orange County. Ms. Vicki decided to show up at her son’s dorm room and start throwing back Coors Light like she was being initiated into a frat. Wow. Awk. Ward.

4. “You know what Bethenny? We are done.”
Jill Zarin calls Bethenny Frankel out. On speakerphone. With the Countess next to her. And the little chihuahua listening too. Bethenny apologizes, Jill denies her. Jill apologizes and brings latkes as a peace offering (gross?) and Bethenny denies her. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Basically the whole thing has just spun off to a new show where Bethenny whines about finding a white dress to fit over her shotgun wedding bump in her belly and drives around Manhattan in her Skinny Girl Volkswagen, bitching to Jason that she needs more jars to contain things. Needless to say, I will be tuning in.

3. Kim Sings? Oh, no. No, she doesn’t.
Don’t be Tardy for the Party.

2. Kelly Bensimon’s Breakdown on “Scary Island”
In one of the more disturbing moments of the Real Housewives, Kelly Bensimmon has a full-fledged Britney circa 2007 meltdown on television. From her crazed ramblings to the gummi bears, this was a breakdown not soon to be forgotten. She references Al Sharpton, vampires and, of course, the obvious lesbian love affair between Ramona and Bethenny. W-o-w.

1. The Table Flip
Did you really think I could leave this out? In the most defining moment of the Real Housewives franchise, Teresa of New Jersey flips a table upon Danielle Staub telling her to “Pay attention, puh-lease” in regards to her story of multiple name changes, drug and gun possession, kidnapping and just being a scary warped sea creature biatch. Teresa does not take kindly to this sentiment and starts screaming a slew of insults and flips the dinner table over as Joe restrains her and she incoherently rambles on. Now that’s why we watch reality TV.

There are, in fact, a lot of effed up things about the place that isn’t quite as laid back as I once presumed:

1. You can never escape those dangerous earthquakes that occur a little too often. I don’t know about you, but I like my ground to remain stable, thankyouverymuch. Another thing I like: living without the fear of wildfires burning me to a crisp as I sleep.

2. I can barely watch The Real Housewives of the OC without cringing, and cant imagine having to see these women (and the millions of others just like them in Cali) in real life.  I might freak out, melt down, and have to get Botox to regain any sense of normalcy.

3. Seeing famous people every day might be cool, but knowing that some of the world’s most obnoxious and utterly ridiculous celebrities call that state home kind of turns me off.  I might just gag if I have to see Heidi or Spencer one more time on TV or in a magazine. Seeing them in person? Well, I think I’ll stay on the opposite side of the country.

4. California traffic is known to be ridiculous, and coming from the fast paced New York City lifestyle, I’m not sure that would quite work for me.

5. Most importantly, I’d probably miss my Ugg boots, my mittens, my scarf and ear muffs (oh, and states where gay couples can be married).  And who can turn down a good snowball fight?  Looks like I’ll be spraying on the tan and staying on the East Coast for a while.

Life isn’t black and white. As much as we wish we simply loved or hated things, there is often that whole annoying gray area in the middle. Like how we love the idea of a monokini, but we just don’t know if we can pull it off. Or how we love making money babysitting, but hate giving up a Saturday night. Damn you, gray area; you make decision-making that much more complicated!]

Anyone who knows me knows not to call on Tuesday nights. Not only is it Biggest Loser night, but it also happens to be the best night of my week because of one thing only: The Real Housewives. I don’t care if they are from Orange County, Hot-lanta or New York, I can’t get enough of these women.

Yet now that The Real Housewives of New Jersey are on the (polluted) horizon, I’m starting to feel a little confused inside about my love for couture catfights and $16,000 handbags.

Yes, ladies, I’m torn. It’s time to break it all down.

Love It:
Rich women doing fabulous things and talking about one another behind everyone’s backs? It’s like my dream life. I’m really good at the sh*t talking, but I’m seriously lacking in the Chanel bags and Louboutin heels, so it’s nice to live out my dreams through a Bravo TV show. And the drama, while totally blown out of proportion, is just so addicting. Whoever casts this show did a fantastic job of bringing far too many Type A women into one social circle, ultimately leading to many a manicured claw fights.

And could there be anything more entertaining than watching Evil Vicki trip and fall down a stair? Or Nay Nay making fun of her tranny bff, Kim? Or Bethenny (attempting to) open a can of ‘tude on Kelly Bensimon? Short answer: no. There is nothing better. Because drama in your social circle is never fun, but watching rich women drown themselves in it is the best thing since $5 footlongs at Subway.

Loathe It:
I like to think that I’m sorta smart, so I’m embarrassed to not only watch this show, but be totally addicted to it. And know every last detail. Including what kind of heels Jill’s daughter wanted to pack for her summer abroad. (Marc Jacobs. Pathetic, I know.)

Shouldn’t I be watching documentaries on Discovery Channel, or some weird show on TLC? And should I really be contributing to the further success of these rich-tards? With the exception of a few (Bethenny, for sure), these women contribute nothing to society except a few photos for Page 6 and a reason for my mother to call me at 9am on a Saturday to discuss the episode she just watched on her DVR.

We should be giving our attention to people who actually impact our world in a positive way, instead of these useless women who do nothing but lunch and shop and bitch. And then wake up the next day to do it all again. Yes, some of them work, but many of them just marry rich and set an example that money and wealth is the key to happiness. Is that true? Maybe. But is that realistic? Hell no.

And I can’t ignore the fact that this show takes my blood pressure to unhealthy levels. Without fail I end up on my feet (thus dumping my evening snack of dry Kashi Go Lean! all over my floor) yelling at the TV. These women are ridiculous and I can’t handle watching them say and do the dumbest sh*t! And now my snack is on the floor! And now I’m angry at myself because I care so much about this! And now I have to pause it so I can clean up the mess I just made.

Roar!

I know that it’s just a show and I should enjoy it if I want to, but watching this show gives these women power and success they really do not deserve. Is my guilty pleasure really worth elevating these label whores to a higher level, wasting precious cereal and potentially giving me wrinkles?

I just don’t know. I’m totally torn!

Yet, knowing all of that, I am still really embarrassed to have watched the trash also known as, I Love Money.

This show is trashier than The Real World, I Love New York and From G’s to Gents (yes, I have watched one episode of that train wreck) combined. I mean, seriously? Is VH1 for real with this show? There are just a bunch of REALLY dumb, really trashy people living in a house together…and having sex with other people in the room. And the names? Whiteboy? The Entertainer? DESTINEY?

I don’t know if I am watching TV or visiting a strip club.

I am not quite sure of the premise of the show, but I assume it is for all these freaks to try and win some money. And on last night’s episode, that somehow included making themselves cry with the aid of onions, cayenne pepper (that some moron RUBBED INTO HER EYES) and even some girl asking a dude to smack her in the face while her teammate tried (so hard) to be upset that she was away from her son.

Yeah. Seriously.

The Gold team ended up winning the tearjerker, which sent the Green team into a hizzy. I guess they lose a lot? I felt bad for them, especially that dude who has like no nose hairs left because he plucked them all out attempting to tear up.

So, after the competition everyone decides to get completely sh*tfaced and dance around topless throwing food at one another. Meanwhile, some dude is trying to save Destiney (cuz the whole team hates her), but gets mad cuz his brilliant plan doesn’t work.

The Gold captain (Paymaster?) now has some sort of power to take three people out and figure out which one she wants to save. (Note: choosing someone to leave is also called being “bounced.” Like a check? Get it? How cute!) And in attempts to stay in the game, some blonde chick with big boobs tries to make out with her. Toasty (what does that name even mean?) and the three people chosen by the Green team (Destiney, Real and Brandi C.) head out to the beach and go snorkeling.

And there are sharks. But I don’t care about that. I need to know: WHO IS GONNA STAY??? (Notice the sarcasm.)

There is some talking and then Real gets some one-on-one time with Toasty. The conversation did nothing except make me wonder if there is something wrong with that girl. Like, mentally. Is she slow?

Ok, so (finally!) after a load of wasted time watching people fight and stupid commercials, we find out that it’s time for Destiney to bounce. Goodbyyyyyye, Destiney!

And with that, I hate myself. I want that hour of my life back. I want my dignity back. I want everyone at the gym to know that I was only watching that show for work. NOT for pleasure.

Never again. Never.