Holiday-themed episodes of TV shows usually follow a predictable pattern—the gang is planning some kind of celebration until everything goes horribly awry. But by the end of the show, problems have been solved, fights have ended, and everyone sits down together to enjoy a nice meal and/or some serious present opening, accompanied by a well-known holiday tune.

While most Thanksgiving episodes still adhere to the formula, there’s something about them that makes them even more satisfying than Christmas/Hanukkah/Valentine’s Day specials. Maybe it’s because they tend to be less cheesy than other holiday shows. Maybe it’s because I just like watching people enjoy a hearty meal. Whatever the reason, Thanksgiving episodes deserve some appreciation.

So, without further ado, here’s my list of the best Thanksgiving episodes. They’re all funny, entertaining, and heartwarming without being cloying—yes, even that episode of South Park.

7. “The Magnificent Archibalds”—Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl’s first Thanksgiving ep, the awesomely named “Blair Waldorf Must Pie,” was a tonal mess that revealed Blair’s bulimia and then promptly forgot about it. Its second Thanksgiving installment, though, was pretty great, mostly because of Wallace Shawn and Blair’s gay dad’s famous pie. It does lose a few points because of the boring Nate storyline, though. When will GG’s writers get that we’d much rather just look at Chace Crawford than hear him talk?

6. “Bart vs. Thanksgiving”—The Simpsons

In this early episode of the longest-running show on TV, Bart ruins Lisa’s Thanksgiving centerpiece—which honors great women from American history, naturally—then runs away to a soup kitchen before realizing he should be, well, thankful for what he has. The best quote comes from Marge’s mean mother, Jacqueline: “I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk, so I’ll just say one thing: You never do anything right.”

5. “Thanksgiving”—Top Chef

The producers of Top Chef are all about giving their contestants seemingly impossible challenges, like creating a restaurant in a day or catering a wedding with only twelve hours to cook. In this Season 2 episode, the chefs are asked to cater a haute Thanksgiving meal. Many of the dishes go predictably, spectacularly wrong, prompting outspoken guest judge Anthony Bourdain to ask Tom and Padma, “What kind of crack house are you running here?”

4. “Slapsgiving”—How I Met Your Mother

Ah, Slapsgiving—“It’s the one day we set aside each year to gather together and give slaps,” explains Marshall, who plans to slap Barney after dinner’s done. But the best part of the episode isn’t the slap (which ends up being a little anti-climactic). It’s the following exchange between Barney and Robin:

Robin: “The Canadian thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher’s valiant, yet ultimately, unsuccessful attempt to find the Northwest Passage.”
Barney: “Why are you guys even a country?

3. “Free Fallin’”—Degrassi

And speaking of Canada, admit it: at some point in your life, you were really into this Canadian soap opera. I may or may not still be at that point. In any case, this ep from Season 6 has it all: drama between mean girl Paige and her ex-girlfriend Alex, an exploding turkey, and a dinner that reveals plenty of secrets. Oh, and it ends with a main character committing arson. Degrassi: it goes there.

2. “The One With Chandler in a Box”—Friends

This entire list could consist of nothing but episodes of Friends, the only sitcom I can think of that aired a special Thanksgiving-themed installment every year. My favorite one is this episode from Season 4, in which Chandler encloses himself to atone for kissing Joey’s girlfriend. Honorable mentions: “The One with the Rumor,” co-starring Brad Pitt as Rachel’s high-school nemisis, and “The One Where Ross Got High,” featuring an English trifle that combines jam and ladyfingers with beef sautéed with peas and onions (“It tastes like feet!”).

1. “Helen Keller! The Musical”—South Park

The greatest Thanksgiving episode of all time involves a disabled turkey named Gobbles, Timmy in a wig, and tons of inside jokes for musical theater nerds like me (“I shall swear it on my life: your play should want for nothing,” sings the play’s director, who played Jean Valjean in a community theater production of “Les Mis”). It’s not all about the punchlines, though: Timmy and Gobbles’s friendship is legit touching. I also have a soft spot for jokes about “The Miracle Worker,” since I played Blind Girl #3 in my high school’s production of the play. Seriously. Watch the episode yourself at South Park Studios.

Isn’t Bart, like, 40 now?

Obama’s new budget explained.

Old people playing Wii. Hilarious.

Do Paula and Kara have some American Idol drama?

Jerry Seinfeld dabbles in reality TV.

Must-have beauty tools.

Chris Brown enrolls in anger management.

Who should Megan Fox date next?

Time for spring cleaning? Start with that closet of yours.

Thrill guys with the chase. 

Looking for a job? Part-time is the new full time.

Boyfriend jeans are in for spring. Don’t worry – you don’t need a BF to rock the trend.

Is Palin a “Muscular Feminist“?

Find out who is googling you

Oh no, Angie depressed?

Famous people say VOTE

Oh great.  Now I can pee my pants in fear for a 5th time

I would not, thanks

Aw, Scarlett and Ryan are little Hollywood hippies!

Dear God, plug your ears now…

What have they done to Clive Owen?!

Fabulous bags on the cheap? Sign us up!

J. Simpson getting married for the second time?

Homer accidentally votes for McCain

Jolie-Pitt family comes to NY (most likely filling a plane on their own):

But when I get home from a long day, I’m not looking for shark week. No sirree blog, I’m looking for some other organisms ripping each other apart and basking in the blood. That’s right: I’m looking forward to Reality TV. And, naturally, other crappy shows I can’t stop watching.

Look! Here’s a few!

(5) A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

GOD this show blows! So why am I glued to the screen?

And why, when ****SPOILER ALERT******!!!!

Tila chose Kristy and Kristy rejected Tila, why, oh, why did I feel so deliciously vindicated–and then so bummed for Tila? Tila, you biznatch, you have a boyfriend and this is totally fake and everyone knows it! So put away your sweet, sweet alligator tears so I can stop feeling bad for you!!

Dammit.

(4) What Not To Wear

It’s the same every week! Literally! For years, the show has followed the same strict formula (ambush, commercial, 360 mirror/wardrobe trashing, commercial, shop alone pathetically, commercial, shop with Stacey and Clinton successfully, commercial, hair and makeup, commercial, show new look to Stacey and Clinton, commercial, show new look to family, and FIN). I mean, there is almost literally no variation. Once in a while, they do twins or something to mix it up–but still within the same mold. HOWEVER: I love this show. My boyfriend says Stacey and Clinton are the worst people he can imagine, but I want them to be my best friends. So. There you go.

(3) Flavor of Love

Flavor Flav, you sly dog. You made it through 3 seasons (3 seasons!!!!!!) until you finally said, frick it, I’m going to be with the latest mother of my latest child! Now that is ballsy.

Brava, Flav. Brava.

(2) The Simpsons

This used to be the best show on television, but, for the past bunch of years, it’s totally sucked. It’s a shell of its former self, with nerds writing it whose only goal is making themselves giggle.

To be fair, it’s been on almost as long as I’ve been alive. STILL! Stop sucking, Simpsons, and start being awesome again!!! I miss you! (And yet I still watch you every Sunday night and get great joy trashing you every Monday. So…yeah.)

(1) The Real World

The classic to kill all classics. I mean, this is a bad show. Right? But…but…it’s been on so long, in so many cities. And…and…I’ve seen them all. And…I–I love it. YOU WIN, REAL WORLD. Now throw me up some Puck and Bri and I can cry myself to sleep.

Other shows may come or go, Real World, but you’re always a woman to me.

Did I miss any?

[Image courtesy of mediaobsessed.com]

Oddly, these two news stories are more Orwellian than Orwell.First we have this little ditty. It’s an article about how the Russian government dropped cement from sky-high heights through the roof of an unsuspecting citizen.

What’s odd about this (besides the obvious falling-cement thing) is that this happened because, in preparation for Russia Day (?!), the government was “seeding the clouds:” inserting liquid nitrogen, cement powder, and silver iodide into the clouds so that it won’t rain. And what’s more, they’ve been doing it for the past 20 years.

That’s right, friends. On Russia Day, all skies must be clear, by order of the government. Do the citizens know this? Or do they think that it’s a miracle that it never rains on national holidays?

On to the next creepy government story.

In Romania, citizens so despised the living candidates that they reelected a dead mayor. For realz.

Yeah, they knew he was dead. So what? As one profound villager says, “I know he died, but I don’t want a change.”

Gosh, if we knew it was that easy, we could have all just voted for JFK every year.

Oddly, neither of these two tales is from the good ol’ USA. Is our government slacking off in its world-renowned Big Brother ways? Is the news just tired of reporting it? Or have we, finally and just in time for the new election, just become complacent?

[Image courtesy of http://capefeare.com/]

You know, I kind of like Mr. and Mrs. Mariah Carey

Before you blow $80 on a bra, Mr. Big has something to say

Every Simpsons couch gag. Ever.

I. Hate. Hipsters.

We live in a world that has created kitty tanning beds

Maxim says Ashley is 47th hottest woman, but what about Mary-Kate? Oh, nevermind…

Heath Ledger Joker dolls are big-sell, but what about Cher Barbie?

Who keeps encouraging Lindsay Lohan’s music career?!

Oh, maybe it’s the award-winning Mama Lohan

50 greatest commercial parodies/highlights from SNL

Awesome. You guys are totally awesome.

Just kidding, Fox Network. You totally suck.

Shit like this, taking Cleveland (of all characters) from Family Guy and giving him his own show, really pisses me off.

Where is the creativity, Fox Network?! Is this what I’m paying $45 a month in cable TV for?!

I hate Fox. I do. I hate Fox and here is why:

(1) Their news is retardedly biased and annoying and their newscasters are wooden and remind me of an old high school boyfriend who could not for the life of him figure out how to unhook a bra.

(2) They continue to let The Simpsons wallow in its own decay. Look, The Simpsons was like the most brilliant show of all time–until it started to very much suck a few years ago. And yet Fox continues to let it sink further and further into geeky mediocrity. I mean, cancel that shit already. It’s embarassing.

(3) American Dad.

(4) American Idol.

(5) Okay, forget listing crappy shows. What I REALLY hate about Fox is their total lack of creativity when it comes to programming. I mean, seriously. A Cleveland spinoff? It’s like taking Laguna Beach and giving a spinoff to the ocean.

It’s like how Dick Cheney is the next in command…we’re all vaguely aware of his existance as a side character in the administration, but if he ever became president, we’d all change the channel faster than you can say “Guantanamo.”