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The frustrating thing about the Today Show piece is that they were calling the segment ‘Cyber Cheating,’ and while, surely, Cook cheated, and indeed he didn’t just look at porn but also used (apparently, its hard to tell with all the ambiguous language) ‘sex’ sites, which we assume are swinger hubs, porn shouldn’t really be considered cheating. Granted, three grand worth of porn is divorce worthy, based on irresponsible money management and creepy factor alone, but looking at porn isn’t cheating. And if it is, every guy with a connection to the Internet is cheating. Half of them are cheating right now!

Is cybersex cheating? Arguable, but we can lean toward yes. Cybersex and ‘cyber-flirting,’ while physically harmless, reveal that you aren’t getting something from the relationship you’re in. You’re interacting with another person (probably a 40-year-old fat dude), and that’s where the difference lies. So, even if it’s not cheating, it’s low and you should just break up and find someone who can make you happy. Porn is (typically, unless your girlfriend is awesome) a solo thing, and it’s not really about wanting someone to talk to as it is about wanting to get your rocks off with speed and efficiency.

There aren’t many men over the age of 18 who watch porn and sigh woefully, wishing their significant others ‘could just be more like these women!‘ Admittedly, there are those ignorant sh*ts who want their girl to be a porn star in the sack and an angel everywhere else, but those guys are f*ckin’ retarded. Porn is a means to an end, and personally I don’t really understand why anyone would pay for (or collect) it at all. It’s free and it’s all over the goddamn internet.

What I want to know is HOW Peter Cook is spending that much on porn. I like porn as much as the next guy, but I can’t imagine a plausible scenario that involves a $3,000 MONTHLY bill. I mean, he can’t be looking at standard stuff, because $3,000 a month would just produce an astronomical amount of content. He’d need an entire team to sort and file…OH MAN!

When Peter Cook’s Head of Porn Management takes the stand, you all owe me $20.

For those of you who have saved yourself by not knowing who this lady is, I’m about to ruin you — Joy Bauer is the nutritionist correspondent for the Today Show. She’s also published a ton of books and written about eating your veggies for a bunch of publications. Basically, she’s the Martha Stewart of the health world.

So why do I hate her? Because she’s systematically trying to destroy my happy relationship with food.

Every time I turn on the Today Show (read: while I’m on the elliptical at the ass crack of dawn or getting ready to brave the day) Bauer seems to be running her mouth about all the fantastic! and easy! ways for Americans to lose weight. As she gestures with her skinny arms (I want to know if this lady has ever lived a day over 115 pounds) to bad foods! and their subsequent good food! counterparts, I can’t help but want to shake that way-too-wide grin off her face.

Because she wouldn’t be so happy if she was actually taking all of her grey, lifeless advice.

Her recent “4 Weeks to a Better Body” segment illustrates exactly what I’m taking about. Her advice to get thin in 4 weeks? Basically: make your life so boring food wise the pounds will drop off your body in pity.

Some example “tips”:

1) keep only one or two snack items in the house

One or two snack items? Who the hell enjoys eating the same damn thing over and over again? Even peanut butter filled pretzel bites lose their appeal if they’re my only “snack” source for an extended period of time. This method is sure to make me start hating foods I once loved.

2) When it comes to pasta, rice, cereal, and ice cream, stick with portions that equal a “computer mouse” or a “baseball”

Uh. Okay. Since when did a “computer mouse” sized portion of cereal satisfy anyone who wasn’t a baby? In fact, I’ve seen babies eat a half cup of cereal and still want more (ps: these weren’t fat babies, either). I agree that Americans have an issue with portion size, but telling us to work out for 30 minutes a day, and then satiate ourselves with a half cup of pasta is ridiculous. When I get back from 40 minutes at the gym, a cup of cereal isn’t going to satisfy me, it’s going to make me sad.

3) Don’t eat starch with dinner.

Screw you, Joy. I’m not going to stuff myself with white bread and rice, but the low carb lifestyle is stupid. Protean and veggies! get really, really hard to swallow after a couple days. There’s only so many ways a poor college student can cook chicken. If I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread, I’m eating that damn sandwich. I and won’t get fat because of it.

4) Eat the recommended amount of fruits and veggies: approx 2 cups of fruit and 2.5 cups of vegetables.

You may remember from the above paragraph that I have no money. Besides the fact that eating that much produce would leave almost no room for protean or my beloved whole grain bread, my bank account would be in the negative numbers. Not only does Joy recommend I spend every last penny on carrots and broccoli and apples, she recommends I stuff myself with them. NO ONE likes to eat that much produce. Joy, I don’t even think YOU like eating that much produce. It’s too much. And vegetables just aren’t fun to eat on a constant basis. Hands down. Period. Don’t try to fight me on it. We all know this to be true.

5) stock your pantry and fridge with low-fat, reduced-fat, and non-fat options

Okay. Anyone who knows anything about health knows a lot of products that have been rid of “fat” have been filled with something else. Namely, something chemical. And if it’s not chemically enhanced, it’s enhanced with sugar. Plus, that stuff just straight up tastes bad. Why fill your shelves with fake sh*t when you can just use less of the real deal? Living a life stuffed to the brim with reduced this and non that guarantees that you will soon equate food with fakeness and a strange, plastic-y aftertaste.

Recently, I went from 132 pounds to 121 pounds. I did this with exercise and attention to what I put on my plate. I did NOT eat fake food, I allowed myself more than infant-sized portions, ate well below the “recommended” daily intake of fruits and veggies (although I still eat 2-3 servings of each a day), and certainly didn’t give up bread. There aren’t a lot of sweets in my freezer but there are some, and I don’t pretend that “fat free whipped topping” tastes awesome.

I get that Joy Bauer is trying to build a health empire, and when building an empire, it’s essential that one create rules and regulations for followers to…well…follow…but I, for one, refuse to be part of the Regulate-Yourself-Until-You-Want-To-Cry army. I will not measure, weigh, obsess, or pretend that dieting is a sustainable way of life.

…But I will keep on railing against the Bauer Lifestlye.

At least until she admits a piece of chicken “the size of a deck of cards” is stupid.

You know, I can understand being an angst ridden teenager. I can also understand being angry with someone who might have been provoking me on a social networking site-like Myspace. On top of that, I can understand being jealous of all of the totally rad videos on YouTube that get tons of plays and I can relate to the desire to create something that becomes incredibly popular.

BUT, beating the sh*t out of a cheerleader in your class who MIGHT have been (nothing has been proven) provoking you on Myspace is NOT COOL.

Eight teenage girls in Florida recently did something so disgusting that even angry outcasts would have cringe. They lured Victoria Lindsey, a pretty cheerleader, back to one of their homes. They had a video camera set up and then they proceeded to beat her for 35 minutes. They beat her so terribly that she was knocked unconscious and then dragged off into a car. Once in the car, she was driven to a second location and told that if she ran to the police… she would receive an even worse beating.

All eight teens have been arrested, and thank god that they have because this is some really gross horse sh*t.

I don’t care how angry you are at someone else. I don’t care how pissed you are that someone left a nasty comment about you on your Myspace page. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, excuses this kind of animal behavior.

I’ve been thoroughly sickened by this story ever since I heard about it a few days ago and the nausea is spreading like wildfire, but I don’t think it’s fair to blame Myspace or YouTube for this. These girls are just bratty kids who wanted to beat the hell out of someone and doing it for the world via video was the icing on the cake. Tons of people out there use Myspace for the right reasons. Tons of people out there who want popular videos on YouTube just videotape their kid…laughing…or something.

THIS video, however, is embarrassing and gross.

What do you think about how these girls behaved? How do you feel about the fact that they used YouTube to exploit this horrific act?

Officially started by two women, “30 Reasons” is all about showcasing (mostly) girls in all shades of wasted-ness. Half-naked, droopy-eyed, and generally looking ridiculous, most of the pictures of these crunked-out chicks are posted by the girls themselves.

Everyone from CNN to The Today Show has weighed in on this stupid group, and while I could care less about drunk people showing the world (and possible employers) how wasted they can get, I’ve always wondered where all the drunk guys are at.

When guys get blasted, they act just as stupid, get just as naked, and most certainly document their exploits just as well as the ladies.

Jezebel must have had the same thoughts, because they’re recently posted Drunkdudes07; a pictorial dedicated solely to drunk guys and the wacky shenanigans they get into.

Do I agree with posting someone’s picture online—especially if they’re in a compromising position—without their knowledge? Absolutely not. But as a woman who’s had enough of her female counterparts exposing themselves to the world, do I feel a little jab of joy clicking through pictures of drunk dudes?

Yup.

Sorry, PC defenders, but I think it’s about time for a little equal opportunity ogling!

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Who needs waif-ish awkward walking female models that are in desperate need of a date with Mrs. Fields, when we can watch scantily clad male models prancing around Parsons?

Last night’s challenge was a first for Project Runway: design a menswear look for Today Show correspondent and former NFL player, Tiki Barber. And while the high-stress environment was fascinating to watch, I was more fascinated by the fact that Elisa refused to look at her model when he stripped down to his boxers- claiming that her beau is the only guy who she will touch/look at in his undies. I’m sorry what? Woman-I don’t care if your boyfriend is Brad Pitt, when a male model strips down to his skivvies- you pay attention!!

Also humorous was how Tiki Barber tried to show off his macho-ness. And while he is easy on the eyes, I could see right through that NFL exterior to the Metrosexual that lies within. Give me a break Tiki, You are a guest judge on Project Runway, who are you trying to kid? Not to mention his critiques of some of the clothes, and his (unexpected) adoration for the Kevin’s purple-euro inspired ensemble. Hmm.

The male models made this week’s episode a hit in my book. And Jack’s winning look was a huge success. Sure Carmen got the boot and it was kind of sad watching her face get into the squishy cry, but I didn’t peg her for a Bryant Park contender anyways.

Something that may help lift your spirits? Throw a party! I know it sounds cheesy at first. But after watching a clip on The Today Show about a gorgeous girl who moved across the country for a dude only to find out it wasn’t going to work, and then had the time of her life at a breakup party thrown by her friends, I think it can be done. Yes, some people take these parties too far, aka Shanna Moakler who threw a “Divorce Party.”

Seriously though, what’s the harm in celebrating one more girl joining the single and looking to mingle club (when there are no kids or family involved)? Everything is better with a few cocktails. And what girl doesn’t love a chance to get together with girlfriends and have some real fun?

Well, luckily, now, there is an actual market for break up party supplies. How perfect!

Check out plumparty.com for their breakup party supplies and favors. A few of my favorites: The “Eat Your Troubles Away Postcard Invite” and the “Voodoo Doll Man”.

So, get your party pants on and start planning the next breakup party for whoever in your life needs a little pick me up…even if that person is you.