“He’s a cheating jerk!”
“He should do what he wants, he’s got millions!”
“Who cares?”

No matter what your stance on Tiger Woods (and I’m sure you have one, seeing as you can’t turn on any television, computer or mobile phone without being blasted with his scandal) at least we can all agree on one factor: his televised apology was bleak. It was really bad. Chris Brown bad. The PR written speech, his mom, the bro hugs, the set-up like he’s giving a presidential address? I mean, come on. First of all, thanks a lot for interrupting The View, and secondly, I’ve seen better acting out of the Spice Girls.

But on top of all that, even with a 14 minute monologue, there were so many things left unsaid. So many things the world was left to wonder. So here are the top ten things I wish had come out of Tiger’s mouth or had occurred during his little apology sesh.

10. “I regretfully inform you, that my choice of sleeping with all these women without using a condom, some being porn stars, has led to a devastating case of genital warts. Seriously. Pussing and oozing, people. It’s disgusting.”

9. “I hereby change my name from Tiger to Cheetah.”

8. “I have allowed Chase Crawford to move in as Elin’s live-in boyfriend and manny (male nanny).”

7. “What I did was inexcusable… but, come on, 17 ladies? HIGH FIIIIIIVE.” (High fives members of the audience)

6. “I will be running for governor of New York.”
Spitzer, anyone?

5. “Sorry for interrupting your daily episode of The View. Just wanted to say, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you’re doing a great job. I’m into blondes. Call me.”

4. Exactly the way Kenan and Blake depicted it on SNL.

3. “I’d like to announce my new sponsors: Viagra, Valtrex and Trojan Condoms.”

2. “…And I would’ve gotten away with it if I drove a Mustang.”

1. “I’m taking a break from golf for a little while….to star in a new reality series where I travel the world in a Buick Rendezvous and search for salvation, answers and a cure for the Clap. Sponsored by Buick. Premiering May 1st on the Golf Network. Watch.”

Fashion Week is here.
Fashion Week is here!!

I’ll admit it: I may be one of the only people who looks forward to fashion week more than Welcome Week (yeah I said it). But you know that when you come out of your week long drunken haze and find yourself bored in class (after all, one can only stare at her econ professor for so long wondering how this man who can barely speak a word of English is allowed to teach economics at a major university), you will need to preoccupy that boring classtime with other thoughts.

And what better thoughts than that of Spring 2010? After all, it’s never too early to think about Spring Break – especially when an adorbs Marc Jacobs sundress mini is involved, right? Of course, right. Now that’s a language we can all understand.

But instead of going into who brought what to the runway (we will save that for another painstakingly awful class day), I thought what better way to prepare for fashion week than to familiarize ourselves with the familiar? By now, fashion week has become a semi-annual ritual. Much like you know that you will wake up hung-over the morning of Thanksgiving, or the same routine you partake in year after year that makes you somehow totally forget your sorority formal – so too are the rituals for Fashion Week. The same season after season.

After season.

And just like the glorious return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, it’s all those great familiar things we know we can expect to see that make us squeal with Fashion Week delight:

- Anna Wintor clad in a scowl, overly large sunglasses, and a giant helmet of hair.
- “Celebs” (read: Bravo reality stars/Lindsay Lohan) who so badly want to be celebs that they make their way to every fashion show. Only so they can be photographed by the paps.
- Models who really, really need to eat cookies… and make you not want to eat. Ever again.
- Week long heated oh-my-god-do-these-women-EVER-not-talk-over-one-another-get-me-some-Advil debate of said skinny models on The View.
- Rachel Zoe’s ribs sticking out of her fur vest as she says sips on her venti green tea, and exclaims “I Die” over the hottest run-way looks, telling the press that DVF show is BA-NANAS.
- Lots of really weird/ugly “clothes” coming down the runway that everyone claims they love but you secretly have no idea what is going on and what that designer was thinking. But you’ll be wearing something similar to it in six months.

Just thinking about it all makes me weak in the knees. Good thing I’m not wearing the 6-inch stilettos those models have to strut in.

Come to me, Fashion Week.  You have been missed!

Brit and LiLo hanging out? God help us all.

Dance Dance Revolution for lazy people.

OMG, they ARE dating!!

Let’s talk about the G-spot. With old people.

Woman’s shelter being shut down…for not allowing men.

Dorm room gardening!

What a moron. He totally should have denied, denied, denied.

Maybe he’ll be first in line for the Denny’s Free Grand Slam breakfast.

The Super Bowl’s best and worst commercials. What do you think?

Jennifer Hudson rocked the house.

Is it just me, or is Bruce Springsteen a total hottie?

 Life lessons you can take from TV.

What does Elisabeth Hasselbeck have against Wii Fit?

Tips for staying in an Ivy League. Apparently it’s not that hard.

Dammit, Phil - we can’t handle 6 more weeks of winter.

This looks healthy.

There is going to be another Hasselbeck running around.

Will Obama’s bailout plan work?

The Biggest Losers love their armpits?

Looks like the Arrested Development movie is a go!

That’s awkward, Mrs. News Anchor.

5 fashion choices that turn men off.

President Barack vs. Elephant Barack.

This tattoo can’t be real, can it?

Mischa Barton will do anything to get back into the limelight.

Dorm food causing some…er…digestion issues? Try yoga!

Obama pup will either be a Labradoodle or Portugese Water Dog.

Rihanna is a controlling gf. Who woulda thought?

This b!@#$ is getting $2.5 million to lose her virginity…and that’s just latest bid!

Fergie’s wedding invite is super cute!

We love lip plumpers!

Ryan Gosling is damn hot…

Beauty party 2009!!!

I want a Snuggie…bad.

Britney back on tour…good or bad?

Ann Coulter visited (terrorized?) The View.

Harry Potter like you’ve never seen him before!

Are overalls seriously coming back in style? I hope not.

Bad news for hornballs on Craigslist…

What’s in the stars for you this week???

How to heal those sexual battlewounds (you know what I’m talkin’ about)

Jayden James in the hospital!?!

Oprah’s retiring…but then what?

Fans killed at football game…come on guys!

Keith Olbermann doesn’t vote..hm

Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are done-zo….again

Just another reason to hate Keith Olberman and the rude ladies at The View.

We are so happy that Holly Madison isn’t hung up on Hef anymore.

Mod makeup has been popular since the 1960s and is back again.

Apparently, being a lesbian is way worse than being bi.

The Super Bowl is now going to wreck more women’s lives than usual.

Michelle and Barack Obama scoped out their new pad today.

Being green can be dangerous, especially for James Cromwell.

Watches, to wear or not to wear?

Oprah has taken over the world, well almost.

If only this worked to change water into wine too!

Elizabeth Hasselbeck had to eat her McCain/Palin words.

Pretty soon, AT&T will own damn near everything, including your soul.

Military uniforms make great women’s fashion for the fall.

Ever thought Barack, Michelle, Sarah, and John would appear on TV together? Well, South Park got them together in a jewelry heist.

Boy bands are all the rage and ‘NSYNC’s Lance Bass wants in on the action.

Having lots of sex? You may need this.

California has disappointed most, especially Ellen.

Want to sing in the rain? This umbrella has you rockin’.

Sexy Scarlett Johansson to wed? Perhaps!

According to Hollyscoop.com (and tons of other sites on the web today) Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the one reigning Republican on The View is getting wicked pissed that all the other loud-talking ladies on her show are always going after to her when it comes to politics.

It seems like Barbara Walters is even planning a “cool down meeting” to keep little Hasselbeck from jumping ship and heading over to Fox News.

I don’t really watch The View, but I can only imagine what it would be like to have Whoopie, Joy, that other lady, and Barbara Walters jumping down your throat every day. However, to be fair, whenever I turn the show on by accident, Hasselbeck is usually talking awfully loud about something that isn’t interesting.