Do you ever stare at yourself in the mirror and think, “damn, I wish I could lift my ass up but not add any padding, plus it would be nice to slim my thighs at the same time and tuck my tummy and basically lock my body into suffocating spandex“? Well, if you’ve ever thought these odd things: someone has heard you.

Bubbles Bodywear has come up with “The Double-O Push-Up Thong,” which is basically a bra for your butt. It’s supposed to tone and shape your ass while slimming your thighs and holding in your stomach — all the while shoving itself up your butt crack.

The best thing about The Double-O is that it costs $64!! Nothing makes a girl smile like spending loads of money on an item of clothing that no one will see (and those who do will have so. many. questions.) and which will also be needlessly uncomfortable. Seems like Bubbles Bodywear totally understands the need for women to strap themselves in to point of asphyxiation.

Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass. Read More »

Society has been telling us for years that the sexiest thing to sport under just about anything is a thong. But what do guys really think? What do they really want to see when they shimmy that girl out of her newest pair of skinnies? Or, do they even really care? I mean…they got our pants off. Isn’t that enough?

He Said:

Guys don’t really know much about women’s underwear past “This type gives me a boner, that type doesn’t.” When you’re in high school (or from Long Island), thongs are the best thing this side of Steak and a Blow Job Day–mainly because the tops of thongs usually pop up above girls’ pants, drawing our eyes and attention directly to the butt part of the body, flooding our imaginations with arrest-worthy thoughts.

Still, some (adult) dudes will tell you they like the thong best–on certain girls. But nowadays, it’s all about the boy-shorts. These fantastic bottoms create a magical under-ass area that does wonders for a man’s mood–if you’re depressed, just ask your girl to throw on a pair, you’ll see what I mean. They look good on girls of all shapes and sizes, are nice to touch when we’re fooling around, and are perfect attire for the WiiFit. Ladies, if you only have one type of underwear (which you don’t), make it boy-shorts–we’ll never complain. Read More »

Limited Brands, a Columbus Ohio-based company that owns Victoria Secret, has announced that their immensely popular lingerie store is going to come out with a line of logoed sweat pants, tank tops and panties for 33 colleges, including UCLA, Harvard and University of Michigan.

Apparently this idea isn’t going over too well at Ohio State, whose Buckeye logo we won’t see slapped on the ass of any Victoria Secret product any time soon. It probably wouldn’t have been such a big had not the company been based in the same city that houses OSU, or if OSU rival Michigan wouldn’t get the Vicky Secret treatment.

So why is Ohio State going to be deprived of that rarest and proudest of honors? Well, because the CEO of Limited Brands, Leslie Wexner (who is a guy) is on the board of Trustees at OSU and feared a conflict of interest. In fact, last Spring OSU president E. Gordon Gee, (whose initials, I have to point out, spell EGG) stepped down from the board at Limited Brands for similar conflict of interest issues.

It all sort of sounds dirty and incestuous to me, made more so by the fact that some old dude is the head of Victoria Secret. In my mind, Victoria looked a lot like Dynasty-era Joan Collins. Read More »

The point of a thong is the minimal coverage. Clearly not the best disguise.

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So the other night while I was unpacking everything I own from a multitude of boxes, I flipped on the TV to help get me through the you- just- moved- into- a- new- apartment stress bubble that was slowly taking over my body. The first channel that popped up was VH1, and what was the movie they were featuring?

Showgirls.

Now, I’ve seen bits of this masterpiece in tackiness before, but I had never sat through the whole thing — the whole edited for TV version, no less. Most people probably think watching an NC17 film on cable is lame, but let me tell you, friends, Showgirls only gets better with censorship.

Here are 5 Reasons Why You Need To See Showgirls (the Edited for TV Version)

5) Elizabeth Berkley’s Wardrobe

She may want you to take her seriously today on some boring Bravo dance show, but back in 1995, Berkley was being dressed like a whore in every single scene in Showgirls. Even when she wasn’t running around in thongs and dancing crop tops, the girl just couldn’t catch a break from the wardrobe department. Everything she wears in this film makes her look like a blind prostitute who wears baby clothes. Seriously. If you played a drinking game where everyone took a shot every time Berkley wore something that showed her stomach or asscheeks, you’d be wasted after 10 minutes. Read More »

Last weekend when I was out enjoying an evening at the bar (read: getting wasted in honor of…well, in honor of being wasted), I spotted a group of girls in short tops and extra low jeans.

Needless to say, they weren’t the classiest ladies in the room. Even more needless to say, I got a nice view of each of the ladies’ underwear choices for the evening: thongs.

The girls didn’t even have to bend over or sit down for the thongs to say hello; they were just out. Silly me, I thought that the thong out of the jeans trend ended back in 2005, but apparently I was wrong.

I was also very, very drunk, so I did what I do best; I talked shit about these girls to my friends. And also may have gone up to the Thong Crew and asked them if they were trying to make a fashion statement or just look really, really slutty before being dragged out of the bar by the people I was with.

If only I had known that night about Shibue Couture; I could have actually offered some advice instead of potentially starting a bar brawl.

Read More »

In college, wearing a thong is virtually a necessity at some point in time. No one wants those hideous underwear lines associated with granny panties for a formal event or even just under leggings for a night out at the bars. But, are thongs doing more harm than good to your nether-regions?

I looked into this hot topic and found an article that discusses thong usage. The author chronicles how her doctor freaked out at the idea of her wearing a thong because of the many health risks.

“Recurrent vaginal infections are more common in thong wearers. The string part can inflame the skin, leading to thrush which is a yeast infection of the skin that thrives in warm, moist environments. Read More »

It’s a common known fact that celebrities like Britney Spears go “commando,” aka deciding they are not really in the underwear mood for the day. Yet, somehow, they still manage to forget and flash their va-jay-jays at the paparazzi. Intelligence is not their strongest characteristic.

For some reason, I thought this trend was merely among the rich and famous. Boy, was I wrong. During a recent get together with friends, I found out that many girls I know opt to never wear underwear, even with clothing like jeans.

“It’s a very freeing feeling,” said one girl.

“Yeah, my doctor told me not to wear underwear because of the risk for bacteria and infections,” said another friend.

Really? My immediate thought was, what kind of sham doctor do you go to?

Maybe I am just being a prude and have become too attached to that extra layer of cloth between my private parts and the world. But really, no underwear, EVER?

Once I looked into it, my friends may not be so crazy after all. First of all, there are tons of reasons to be careful when wearing a thong because of the problems it can cause your nether-regions. Read More »

The creators of the “sac-relig-a-riffic” Pope John Paul II – Commemorative Thong with Matching Camisole are most certainly going to hell for this one, but they will be looking fly on the way down.

I mean c’mon, what better way to canonize the glorious life of the late, great PJP2, than with some dope-ass unmentionables from Dope Pope Wear.

Oh, this is so VERY, VERY WRONG.