[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

I can vividly remember buying my first thong. I was at the mall with my BFFs and they were going on and on about how much guys love them and “OMG, they are SO comfortable!” I started thinking about my crush Joey (aren’t all high school crushes named Joey?) and how he’d fall madly in love with me once he saw me bend over and my hot pink thong peek out over the top of my low-rise jeans. The next thing I knew, I was at the Victoria’s Secret register, arms full of 5 for $25 lacy thongs.

And the next thing I knew after that, I was waddling around my high school, my butt jiggling, with the constant urge to yank that thin strip of fabric out of my ass.

A few years later, after giving up on thongs completely and resigning myself to panty lines, my BFFs starting singing the praises of boy shorts. Thongs were out and now guys couldn’t get over how great a girl’s ass looked peeking out of a pair of boy shorts. So, once again, I gave in (this time thinking about my crush Dave) and stocked up.

And then I spent the next 4 weeks running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to smooth out my undies that had bunched up under my jeans. (I now totally get what it means when people talking about getting their panties in a bunch. Ouch.)

Finally, in a moment of clarity (or a moment of picking my wedgie and discovering a group of boys walking behind me, laughing), I made a conscious choice: no longer would I choose my underwear based on what random guys claimed to like in Cosmo.  Who are these guys, anyway? And regardless, they’re not wearing it (hopefully), I am, and I’m gonna wear what I like, dammit!

And so it went. Out with the painful torture devices and in with the supportive, full coverage, comfy bikinis!

It was liberating! Freeing! My first ever feminist moment. Or my first ever realization that at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter what sort of underwear I’m wearing. Not because I go months between boys seeing my undies (sad, but true), but because when it’s all said and done, guys really don’t care what kind of underwear we’re wearing. Sure, they have their fantasies (played out month after month in Maxim), but is a guy going to kick you out of his bed because you opted for a pair of boring, black cotton undies for your romp in the sack? Uh, no. And if he does, he’s a moron. With blue balls.

Really, why do we care so much about what guys think of the undergarment designed to protect our lady bits from rubbing against our jeans? Do you think guys put they much thought into their underwear? No. They wear what they like, be it boxers (for some breathing room), briefs (for some penis support) or boxer briefs (for the guys who think tightie whities are weird but can’t handle having their junk just flopping around in a loose pair of boxers).

And why don’t they care? Because it doesn’t matter. And they know that.

Let’s be real here: the only thing we should care about when we’re gettin’ down with someone is that their underwear is clean. Well, that and their sex parts are clean, but that’s a different issue for a different time. When it comes down to the moment of hot, steamy passion truth, the rest doesn’t matter. If someone wants to get freak nasty with you, a pair of granny panties isn’t going to change that. That ish is gonna be strewn over a desk lamp in .5 seconds, anyway.

So forget about what boys like and wear what you like, even if this is what you like.

At least that’s my feeling on the subject as I sit here in my comfy bikini style undies. Alone. Let’s see what he has to say on Coed Magazine.

Peppered throughout magazines and blog sites are optimistic articles about delicious summer activities and fashion trends to anticipate and enjoy. However, there is one thing about summer that is so heinous and disgusting that I feel I must warn the masses before it destroys them: flip-flops, fashion’s Anti-Christ.

I can hear the gasps and verbal WTF’s already. I know, I know, flip-flops are practically the poster children for summer fun. Calm yourselves, I have reasons.

1) They Make Any Outfit 1/4 As Cute: No matter how much effort you put into your ensemble this morning or how much you paid for that sundress, if you add flip-flops to the equation it will look instantly less cute. Much less cute. So much so that it defeats the purpose of even trying to make a cute outfit and you should have just worn sweats.

2) Your Feet Will Get Dirty: Want to know why outfits are less cute with flip flops? Perhaps it’s because dirty feet are not cute. On anyone. And dirty feet are inevitable when flip flops are involved. Your toes will turn brown, your heels will turn black and your calves will be covered in whatever crap that flop is flipping up. Seriously, no one wants to see your cracked and crusted feet stomping around in fluorescent rubber contraptions.

3) They Make Your Legs Look Fat: For some reason, colored slabs of rubber are not the most slimming choice for summer fashion. Optical illusion? Perhaps…At any rate, you spent all winter in the smelly gym to look like this, so don’t waste it on flip-flops!

4) Shoes Should Not Be Noisy: Sexy can be defined as the sound of stilettos clacking across a marble floor. The opposite is true for the sound of flip-flops slapping against your dirty feet.

5) They Aren’t Practical: Let’s face it – having half-an-inch of rubber barely attached to your foot is not the smartest choice available in footwear. They lack traction, stability, and could cause bodily harm (or at least a serious bruise to your ego). Who hasn’t flipped out of their flop before, or slipped on a little spilled beer?

6) There Are Cuter Options: This season it is almost a crime to opt for cheap-o flip-flops when there are gladiator sandals and adorable flats! Fringes, patent, and metalwork – oh my!

Now that I’ve stated my reasons, I would also like to point out that nothing beats a lazy day on the beach with nothing but a pair of flip flops and a good book to keep you company. For me, however, the beach is where my flip-flops will stay.

[This story was originally posted by Katie - Michigan State]

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard The Thong Song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes granny panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

Where the devil did you get this genius idea?
Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that, “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

How the hell did you get it to catch on?
No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy could get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,
Miss Thong Investor

[This story was originally posted by Elizabeth - UC Berkeley]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

There are many difficult decisions we women must make at different times throughout our lives: tampon or pad, Brazilian or bikini, Pantene or Herbel Essense, Gossip Girl or The Hills? Difficult, difficult decisions.

It wasn’t until recently, however, that I faced one of the toughest short term decisions of my life. Or night. This choice would affect it all: my looks, my weight, and my potential for pulling some major booty.

Here was my dilemma: Do I wear Spanx, the best body shaping underwear that eliminates panty lines and takes about 10 pounds away from my curvaceous bod, or do I wear the sexy, skanky, black lace thong?

I know I’m not the only girl out there who has pondered this perplexity. And I am definitely not the last. So, what should you do? Let’s break it down:

Spanx make that tight dress fit perfectly and suck you in at all the right places. Problem is, body shaping underwear looks like this, or worse, like this. They’re like granny-panties-meet-military-armor with the dangerous potential to scare away any guy who finds his way down south.

Thongs, on the other hand, are straight out of every man’s fantasy. They are a guaranteed turn-on and a real flag raiser (if you know what I’m sayin’…). But they also leave everything hangin’ out…and jiggling.

Spanx make you look good, which, in turn, make you feel good and beautiful and confident enough to walk up to that fellow you’ve been eying and spit your best game.

Thongs are thin strips of material that ride uncomfortably high, making them nearly impossible to ignore as you go about your business all night. Jiggling.

Spanx require a full-body workout to get on and off. And when you finally do roll (yes, roll) those suckers down your legs (which is impossible to do while still maintaining some semblance of sex appeal), you’re left with deep red lines across your stomach. Hotness.

Thongs only require a slight tug (with teeth) to remove. They also happen to be easy to stuff back into your purse for the long Stride of Pride home. Jiggling.

You can see the dilemma. There’s really no true winner. It looks like the only option might be the old “I’ll meet you outside in a minute”/run into the bar bathroom and break a sweat taking off those Spanx and go commando before he has a chance to look up your skirt maneuver.

Sigh. It’s not easy being a girl.

In a world where former strippers get their own TV show (thank you, Girls Next Door), 16-year-old girls are dancing on polls in front of a live audience (I’m looking at you, Miley), and middle-schoolers are rocking thongs, seeing a pole-dancing stripper doll for children comes as no surprise.

I’m just curious as to what’s under that (rather modest) dress… What? Is that gross?

So. Tempted. To. Give. Wedgie.

By now, we’re all familiar with the fashion atrocities committed by the male population.  No, sweaty dude, that mesh tank top does not look good on you.  Or anyone, really.  But women are not free from errors – actually, considering our traditional involvement with fashion, we make rather more mistakes.

In fact, that is the entire reason I read People magazine – the photo spreads that come out after major awards shows are priceless.  I mean, these celebrities have stylists!  How can these awful things happen??

Luckily, when I make a fashion faux pas, it usually goes undocumented.  However, it doesn’t always go unnoticed (thank goodness for my friends…the ones who truly care about me will tell me if I’m looking like a blind hooker as I’m walking out the door).  In the spirit of keeping our fellow ladies informed and aware (or end the unprovoked assault on our eyes as we walk down the street), we’ve made a list of the top five fashion faux pas’.

If you or any of your friends have done/are doing any of these…just stop.  Seek help.

Exposed Thong

We get it. You're wearing a thong.

At no point during daily life should anyone’s thong be on show, unless you’re working the pole.  In which case, that’s probably the only thing you’re wearing and you’re exempt from this one.  For the rest of us, thongs (and other undergarments) should remain safely tucked in to your clothing.  If you wanna advertise the goods, leave the wrapping out of it.

Quadraboob

No, four boobs are not better than two.

No matter what guys say, two boobs are enough for any girl.  That’s perhaps why quadraboob (when your bra cup is too small and your breasts literally runneth over) is so offensive.  Some seem to think that quadraboob is sexy, implying that your boobs are huge and you’re just a big pile of sex.  We (and humanity) disagree.  It’s just so…bumpy.  And it doesn’t help that quadraboob usually comes coupled with back fat.

No Bra

No one needs to know if your boobs hang low. Or how low, for that matter.

Even more disturbing than quadraboob is the no bra faux pas (rhyming things make terrible things seem better).  The bouncing, the swinging, the nipples…oh, the nipples.  Boobs just need support!  They need to be shaped!  Your shirt was not made for your boobs, it was made for your bra!  The bra really does make the woman and no bra makes a saggy-boobed hippie.

Muffin Top

I don't know about you, but I prefer my muffin tops with chocolate chips and coarse sugar.

We all know it.  We all hate it.  Yet why do we continue to see the muffin top invading our schools and storming our streets??  There are a million different stores to shop at, which means everyone has the option of finding a pair of pants/a skirt that will fit them.  Sure, you might have nice legs that are proportionally more lean than the rest of your body.  Show them off in a mini dress, sister!  Just don’t buy a pair of pants to showcase your gams and leave the rest of your body to hang over the edge.

Denim on Denim

Yes, jeans go with everything. Just not jeans.

Nothin’ says class like a denim tuxedo.  Let’s break it down:  Jeans are fantastic and probably the best fashion innovation ever.  Denim shirts are hideous, period.  Denim jackets, harmless though they may seem, are the hardest things to pull off.  You can’t wear them with jeans, even if the denim is a different color (it’s still denim).  You can’t wear them with a skirt, otherwise you risk looking like you’re in junior high in the midwest (I live there, so I’m allowed to say that).  Best to avoid any combination of denim whatsover and stick with jeans. On your legs. End of story.

Peppered throughout magazines and blog sites are optimistic articles about delicious summer activities and fashion trends to anticipate and enjoy.  However, there is one thing about summer that is so heinous and disgusting that I feel I must warn the masses before it destroys them: flip-flops, fashion’s Anti-Christ.

I can hear the gasps and verbal WTF’s already.  I know, I know, flip-flops are practically the poster children for summer fun.  Calm yourselves, I have reasons.

1).  They Make Any Outfit 1/4 As Cute: No matter how much effort you put into your ensemble this morning or how much you paid for that sundress, if you add flip-flops to the equation it will look instantly less cute.  Much less cute.  So much so that it defeats the purpose of even trying to make a cute outfit and you should have just worn sweats.

2).  Your Feet Will Get Dirty: Want to know why outfits are less cute with flip flops? Perhaps it’s because dirty feet are not cute. On anyone. And dirty feet are inevitable when flip flops are involved. Your toes will turn brown, your heels will turn black and your calves will be covered in whatever crap that flop is flipping up. Seriously, no one wants to see your cracked and crusted feet stomping around in fluorescent rubber contraptions.

3).  They Make Your Legs Look Fat: For some reason, colored slabs of rubber are not the most slimming choice for summer fashion.  Optical illusion? Perhaps…At any rate, you spent all winter in the smelly gym to look like this, so don’t waste it on flip-flops!

4).  Shoes Should Not Be Noisy: Sexy can be defined as the sound of stilettos clacking across a marble floor.  The opposite is true for the sound of flip-flops slapping against your dirty feet.

5).  They Aren’t Practical: Let’s face it – having half-an-inch of rubber barely attached to your foot is not the smartest choice available in footwear.  They lack traction, stability, and could cause bodily harm (or at least a serious bruise to your ego).  Who hasn’t flipped out of their flop before, or slipped on a little spilled beer?

6). There Are Cuter Options: This season it is almost a crime to opt for cheap-o flip-flops when there are gladiator sandals and huaraches everywhere!  Who can resist summer’s mini-boots or moccasin sandals? Fringes, patent, and metalwork – oh my!

Now that I’ve stated my reasons, I would also like to point out that nothing beats a lazy day on the beach with nothing but a pair of flip flops and a good book to keep you company.  For me, however, the beach is where my flip-flops will stay.

I recently ran into an article in Cosmo in which a guy listed 10 things he wished girls knew about guys.  Funny, sure, but not quite on target about everything. Anyway, it got me thinking about some things that I think guys need to know about us.

1.  We don’t like it when you fart.  Especially if you do it in bed, or while we’re eating.  Gross, not funny… and you’re wasting your time thinking that we’ll ever “learn to love them.”

2.  Don’t make fun of us when we’re with our friends.  Funny in small doses, annoying when you do it constantly.  Keep doing it and you’ll pretty much guarantee yourself no “goodies” for awhile.

3.  We know you’re hot, that’s one of the reasons we’re dating you.  But that doesn’t mean you have to act like you know how hot you are by constantly walking around shirtless, flexing your muscles, etc. Confidence is hot – cockiness is not.

4.  Even if you guys say you like us better dressed down with no makeup, wearing makeup and dressing up makes us feel pretty and boosts our confidence, so at least reward the hard work we do to make ourselves look good by telling us so.

5.  Those t-shirts with the giant designs on the front (or, worse, the button downs with the giant designs on the back) are not cute. They are douchey. Please don’t wear them. (Also on this list: sweatbands, sweatpants with the elastic in the bottom, slip on sandals and over-sized plastic sunglasses with giant designers names on the side.)

6.  Holidays and anniversaries might not seem like a big deal to you, but they are to us.  Even if we say we don’t want something for Valentine’s Day, we want something. It isn’t the “thing” we care about; it is the fact that you are thinking about us. So think about us, dammit.

7.  Thongs are really uncomfortable. You may think they are the end all be all of sexy, but they hurt.

8.  Our friends are like a second family to us, so once you’re in with them, you’re set for life.  Even though we know they’re loud and obnoxious sometimes, learn to love ‘em. We deal with your boys, so do the same for us.

9.  There’s nothing we hate more than being called crazy or dramatic.  No matter how much you think we overreact about our problems, they matter to us and we need you on our side to support us, rather than making us feel worse.

10.  If it’s possible that there is anything worse than calling us crazy, it’s comparing us to other girls.  I know it’s a double standard that we should be allowed to drool over any shirtless picture of Zac Efron we find in Us Weekly, while freaking out when you make a comment about any female celeb in a bikini.  You might not realize it, but we automatically compare ourselves to every other girl on the planet, so saying another girl is hot makes us think we’re not good enough.  Crazy, maybe, but we’re just being honest.

What else do you want guys to know?

[Photo courtesy of lomokitty on Flickr]

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy can get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,

Miss Thong Investor

[photo from www.environmentaltalk.com]

Remember when that meant a night of Full House and Family Matters? Now it just means a night of heavy drinking followed by a day of serious sleeping. And I still love it just as much.

This week was a long one. We lost Estelle Getty. Our boyfriend, Christian Bale, was arrested for yelling at his mother. And we found out that all the not-so-hard work we are putting into college isn’t worth crap anymore. Awesome.

But even though another week has passed, crazy girls are still around, we are still too picky when it comes to picking boys, and freaky guys are still all about peeing on us in bed. WTF?

Maybe we should stick to being single? It is far too hard to find a tall guy anyway. And getting into a relationship only means adding another ex to the list…who you will never be able to avoid thanks to our generation’s problem with oversharing.

Ugh. I need a shot.

At least boys are starting to appreciate more comfortable undies. I’ll keep that thought close to my heart as I enjoy yet another awesome summer weekend.