Easy? EASY! Does throwing yourself on a bomb sound easy? Does walking on fire sound easy? Is repeatedly opening up your veins easy? Alright ladies, this myth of the moronic man-boy making no effort to prove himself worthy of women is going to come crumbling down.

Let me tell you how easy our lives are in the never-ending pursuit of the holiest of holies…

1.     The Daily Routine
Let’s back into this a little. Ladies, grooming isn’t something we do because we like it. We snip our ridiculous stubble and otherwise awesome mountain man beards because we know you hate them (most of you, the hipsters get away with the Unibomber look). Shaving is a tedious and sometimes painful activity. You know the risks involved: ruining your skin, cutting arteries, and developing hand-eye coordination some are not gifted with. Men are now taking a page out of your playbook and waxing. What are they waxing? EVERYTHING! From eyebrows to back to front to legs and then there’s the sculpting of the testicular area. Manscaping is not for our sense of aesthetic, I assure you. We’d much rather rock the Jesus look with scraggily beards, faux John Holmes mustaches, and growth around our manhood that would make a bush burn from blushing. Shaving and grooming is no longer a market monopolized by you anymore.

2. Pumping Iron
Men don’t exercise to feel better. I’d feel better sitting on a couch watching a Chuck marathon gobbling peanut butter M&M’s with a side of Popeyes chicken. I’d rather save $600 a year for something else, like, rent….so I can live in something other than a box…and be peed on by homeless men named Silas (don’t ask). We rack our bodies with pain every other day (or once ever seven days…every three months, maybe) in order to look good naked. Beach season has arrived and it’s time to show the bait: the six-pack (taking a cue from Ryan Reynolds, go Deadpool movie!)

3.     Develop ESP
Men have been accused of never communicating and withholding our emotions. Well ladies, is it completely unfair to suggest that perhaps you primarily express your anger toward us? Generally men get yelled at for being oblivious. And yes, men can be oblivious. However, more than a few fellas have bent my ear telling stories where they felt persecuted. They pissed off their girlfriends for something they had no idea they were doing. Did their girlfriends give them a warning first? 8 out of 10 times, no. For fear of death men must develop the ability to anticipate what will make you angry because you won’t usually nip it in the bud! Cut us some slack, please, we don’t understand how annoying we are, we just are. Don’t hold it in until you can only give us the evil eyes and banish us to the couch.

4.     The Three Day Rule
Guess what? We hate waiting to call too! You think it’s fun after a kickass date to smother our puppy love with silence for days? All we want to do is call and guarantee the next rendezvous ASAP. But we can’t because we’ve been shamed into thinking that showing interest equates with being an emotional cripple. This is in part due to some stalkers amongst our ranks and massively insecure cold hearts amongst yours. Both genders are at fault here. So what do we do? We talk to every guy we can find, looking for loopholes in the rule to get in touch earlier. We try to anticipate every response to every remark we’re going to say. We actually debate the individual words we’re going to use to ask you out again. We’re planning for an offensive campaign and we assume we’re going into hostile territory. Three days? Why? WHY? If only both sides would come to the bargaining table and rewrite this stupid, antiquated, and harmful belief.

5.     Pretending to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We can’t stand Project Runway, Gossip Girl (with the exception of ogling Leighton Meester) or 27 Dresses but we care about you.

6.     Pretending NOT to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We choked up watching The Notebook too and damn if Glee isn’t fun, but if we tell anyone we’re banished to the island on Lost.

7.     Sell Our Souls
Money, money, money, money. We kill ourselves at those crap jobs in offices, hotels, investment firms, and we do that so we could someday bleed green if we wanted. Why? We didn’t grow up wanting to be hedge fund managers. We wanted to Batman! Ken Griffey, Jr! Zack Morris! But no, we have to make money so we can buy cars, clothes, condos, watches, and all other manner of impressive and shiny material possessions in order to attract women. We have to be able to take you on a trip to Hong Kong instead of taking you to the Jersey shore. Men obsessed with money are terrified of having no one to spend it on and the only people we want to make our money work for are you. So we sell our dreams of greatness and immortal achievement for a lifetime of ulcers, anxiety, insurmountable stress, chronic fatigue, and heart attacks. We’ve been convinced that the only way to impress you enough to love us is to buy you with financial security. Then we realize, you don’t love us at all, just what we represent for you…no wonder so many who strike it rich are striking out in the happiness department.

8.     Sacrifice All Dignity
Here’s one of my major pet peeves: Men Must Make The First Move. Period. This has become adopted a priori knowledge (yes, that’s oxymoronic, thank you for picking up on the joke). It is expected that we be the first ones to put our hearts on the chopping block. Is that fair? It is demanded of us to overcome our fears of rejection, sacrificing all sense of power, control, and emotional safety for the chance that you will say “yes.” Is that fair? I think of this as a disservice to you, ladies, because it says that you’re lacking a certain fortitude and confidence in yourselves. This is a great social inequality between the sexes and I am going to go out on a cliff here and say that this discrimination is perpetuated by WOMEN! That’s right, I said it! You want to be on the same level as us then kiss us first, drop the L bomb first, and put it all on the line before there’s any guarantee, when destruction is waiting for you at the end of your next sentence. As soon as the words come off of our lips, when we lean in closing our eyes, place a hand on the small of your back, we have exposed old wounds and are inviting you to put salt in them…the horror.

You get no argument from this dude that what you ladies do to yourselves to be seen as attractive is downright masochistic: brazilians; high heels ruining your ankles and lower back; padded bras covering shame at what god gave you (which is beautiful, no matter cup size); disfiguring your natural beauties with pancake and blush;  starving yourselves on salads when all you want is a skirt steak; and forcing us to make a move by demeaning yourselves in flirtation with random strangers in our eyesight. What you do for us is absurd, what we do for you, is almost tragic.

I propose we open up the lines of communication and put an end to all this subterfuge and self-absorbed neurotic BS. What would happen if we threw the game away? What about rewriting the rules to promote honesty or even just common courtesy? The War of the Roses erupts from misunderstanding by both camps and feeling underappreciated. So now that we know what you go through and you know what we go through, truce? To quote the immortal Al Bundy, “can’t we all just, get along?”

Hey Dude,
Could you clue me into “boy world”? I have been told (thank you He’s Just Not That Into You and pretty much every romance book and movie out there) that the guy needs to do the asking. So we very impatient girls need to give out our numbers and take theirs and then not call them.

This is so, so hard to do. Say you meet a guy and dance, hook up, and talk to him. He seems majorly into you, you exchange numbers and then doesn’t call. Yes, I know that he’s probably just not that into me, but is it really wrong to call or text him? And the three day rule – do guys actually know and abide by it or are all of these things that girls made up?

Thanks so much!
-Danielle

Dearest Danielle (I love alliteration…),

Look, here’s the truth: guys don’t always use the most brain power when it comes to potential relationships (or many other things, for that matter).

There is no such thing as the “3 day rule”…it’s actually the 24 hour rule. Most guys will try and wait a full day before calling you. But if he doesn’t follow up it doesn’t always mean that he didn’t have a good time. It might mean that his “shiny monkey syndrome” has simply kicked in (i.e. he has been distracted by any number of things: his new iPhone…Halo ODST… or Sunday night kick-off). I know that most women rationalize and think, “he must be so busy with work,” and the truth is, sometimes this really is the case. Then again, you have to prepare yourself for the fact that what he’s working on is a female, in which case, don’t waste your time.

I personally think there is nothing wrong with a confidant, sexy girl calling me a couple of days after a date.  While it’s true that if a guy is into you, he will make the time and effort to call right away, it’s also true that there are some men with cases of life ADD who simply suck at follow up. But if you are gonna make the first move, it’s important to read the clues properly. If the guy acts vague, un-interested, doesn’t push to create new plans, doesn’t reciprocate on “how much fun” you had… then don’t waste any more time or energy.

Just remember to keep initial contact intimate in the beginning stages of dating (that means in person meet-ups or phone calls only). Save the texting, email and Facebook for later (you don’t want to be psychoanalyzing every misinterpreted social cue and unspoken innuendo before you even know if he likes you). And in the end, if a guy does dig you… he will start to show it (he just might need a kick in the ass to get him going).

That’s all I got,

Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

He Said:

Hmmm. The three-day rule is an interesting phenomenon, and while, like most of these ‘rules,’ I don’t think one needs to hold to it exactly, it does make sense. Basically what you want to do is send a message that you aren’t a completely desperate freak or some over-obsessed ‘I made a doll with your hair’ stalker. This goes for both men and women. Calling right after a date, while direct, says more then just ‘lets get together!’ It says ‘I have nothing to do, ever!’ And that is a warning sign.

One thing that isn’t often mentioned about what we look for in gals is if they have friends and a solid base of activities and hobbies. The last thing we want (assuming we are well-adjusted) is some girl who constantly calls us with updates on her location, what she had for lunch, and what flavor toothpaste she’s considering. We want someone who can go out on a date, have a good time, and then maybe the next day hang out with her friends, or spend some time with their mom, or even just read a book by herself. As someone who values solitude, a girl who likes time alone is very attractive, because it means I will also get time alone.

I think the three-day rule should occur naturally. If you adhere to the three-day rule, but you spend those three days pacing by the phone drawing sketches of you and your maybe new boyfriend/girlfriend together, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, you’re still a nut ball. Also, it doesn’t have to be exactly three days, but some time after the date, to really consider if it’s worth another one, and that definitely makes sense to me.

She Said:

Ugh. The three-day rule. How utterly annoying. Why is it that two people who have a great time on a date have to wait a few days to say so? Why do we have to play some stupid games that waste time instead of having another great date? Why do I have to run to my phone every time it rings in hopes that the guy that I’m crushing on is calling to tell me he’s crushing right back (and find myself disappointed that it’s just my mom calling to tell me she found bagels on sale)?

Yes, I realize that the chase is a very large part of dating. I have been in the situation one too many times where the guy came on far too strong, far too early and scared me off. But, that doesn’t mean that there has to be a ridiculous standard. I mean, who chose 3 days anyway?

This “rule” is unfair. It does nothing more than force people to adhere to a stupid standard so as not to come off as desperate or crazy. It has become a measure by which people decide if the person they met is way too into it/lonely, or juuuust right. I think it’s bullshit. Just because you want to talk to someone you like after the first date doesn’t mean you are crazy, friendless or have no life.

Waiting in line at the grocery store when you have a Snickers bar and a head of lettuce, while the person in front of you is eighty-five-years-old and has five weeks worth of food, sucks. Waiting in the doctor’s office for three hours, and sitting on that crinkly, white paper, so the doctor can come in, check your vitals and charge you $300, sucks. Waiting for a star to fall, sucks. No really, it does – just check out the video.

But no other form of waiting sucks as bad as waiting for a guy to make his first phone call to you. Hands down, it’s the worst kind of waiting there is, because it takes you on quite an unexpected, emotional rollercoaster.

You meet at a party. You talk for a good ten minutes with no interruptions. When your friends try and get your attention, you brush them off and give them the “Stoppit, I like this one” face. You giggle, you use your best material and you know it’s coming. He’s going to ask for you number if you just hang in there for a few more minutes.

And then, it happens. Your name and number have been entered into his phonebook and the deal is sealed.

You go home with a sense of accomplishment and giddiness, and as you ride home with your friends you need reassurance, with some questions like, “He was soo cute, wasn’t he?!? Wasn’t he so cute?” You go to sleep really excited to talk to him on the phone for the first time and set up a date, or even a “wanna come over and watch reruns of Friends?” casual kinda thing.

The next day, you wake up and start to wonder when he will call. Will he use the ever-popular three-day rule? Or will he be so anxious to talk to you again that he calls that night? The anticipation is mounting.

That night, no phone call. You wake up the next day feeling a little bit worried. Did he forget about you that quickly? Maybe he just wants to play it cool. Yea, that’s it. He’s gotta call tonight.

The sun rises, and still nothing. Damn you, sun! You check your phone. It’s on and working like a charm, yet no missed calls or texts. Did you enter your phone number wrong? Were you that drunk? Why did you have to drink that third margarita? Does he hate you? There were sparks – DIDN’T HE FEEL THE SPARKS??

And the guy who you just met and flipped over is suddenly a disgusting pig who lied and used you for that ten minute conversation. Maybe he was just killing some time and thought it would be fun to take advantage of an unsuspecting drunk girl. What an ass!

Finally, after about three days (he used the rule…figures) a mystery number pops up on your phone and you just know it’s him before picking it up….and you make a little wish in your head to the Phone Fairy….and it is! And the disgusting pig who lied and used you for that ten minute conversation is back to being wonderful and exciting with the push of a few numbers.

And so is the inevitable process of waiting for a boy to call. Sometimes it’s quick and painless, and sometimes it can be excrutiating. This is very similar but not quite as extreme as waiting for a guy to call after the first date, or even waiting for a call after you’ve had sex for the first time (in many cases, those are taken care of on the same occasion).

However, that can be a different story, because if you are ballsy and more of a “go-getter” then you have the option to take away the waiting process entirely and call him, assuming you have his number after the first date and don’t mind the fact you’re letting him know you totally like him and you’re willing to make the moves. If you are more traditional and prefer him to call you until you feel secure enough that he is really into you, then you have no choice but to wait, wait, and wait some more.

Here are some mindless ways (because sometimes, mindless is easier) to deal with this difficult time in all of our lives:

1. Watch 80′s music videos. If the video above hasn’t proved it to you yet, 80′s videos are pure entertainment designed to retract your mind from thinking anything of importance. You’ll pick up fashion tips and get in some much needed dancing.

2. Go shopping. One of the best things to do, and I’m not trying to be sexist. Girls love being distracted by colors, fabrics, materials, price tags, bargains, shoes, accessories, etc. Take $20, your 80′s-inspired fashion tips, head to any store you like, and buy yourself a present for enduring your phone call hardships. It’s much more effective than reading, because you won’t be able to get through two pages before putting the book down and staring intently at your phone.

3. Annoy your friends. Your friends are your friends because they are the ones who will sit there and listen to you ramble on when you are trying to kill time. Make them play M.A.S.H with you. Make them go through their CD collection with you to create the ultimate playlist. Inevitably, you will make them tell you all of the reasons why this guy is going to call and you are being a crazy psycho, but this will curb your anxiety for at least fifteen minutes before asking them again why he hasn’t still hasn’t called.

Happy waiting! I’m gonna get back to my book. Agh, screw it. Time to go shopping.