OMFG!! WHEN ARE THEY COMING TO MY TOWN!?

No Doubt says “eff you” to Ticketmaster.

Do your possessions define you?

Kelly Clarkson doesn’t know love.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had our Gossip Girl fix, but something says it’s about to get really effing good!

Get rid of that dry, flaky, winter skin!

Is that….Madonna?

Hayden Panettiere seems like a bitch, no?

Berkeley to study “right-wing movements.”

Go sporty this spring.

All the pretty people celebrated at Barbie’s birthday party.

Unexpected beauty buys.

College senior? Looking for a summer job? This may help.

I remember my first Phish concert.  It was a warm fall day during my high school years, and I drove up to what used to be called the Tweeter Center in Massachusetts with a bunch of tie-dye wearing friends.  Unbeknownced to me, I was the only one in my group not completely high off my ass on drugs, but the concert was awesome just the same — even if we paid like $50 for seats in the dirt.

Riding back at 2 AM that morning (because Phish played for 4 hours, obvi), I distinctly remember listening to the friend of mine who was driving yell at himself the entire way home in an attempt to stay awake.  I probably should have been scared then, but I wasn’t, because Phish had been so awesome.

When they broke up I was totally bummed, but now it seems like everyone’s favorite jam band is back for 3 concerts in March at the Hampton Coliseum in Hampton, Virginia.  General admission tickets go on sale October 1st, but if you can’t make it to these weed-filled soirees, don’t worry, sources are saying the band will announce additional tour dates soon.

There is a real crisis going on in America and it’s deeply effecting the children. No, I’m not talking about the War in Iraq, the nuclear problem in Iran or the skyrocketing price of oil. I am talking about the Hannah Montana Ticket Shortage of 2007. Sounds ridiculous, huh? Well maybe to people with some semblance of a life, but to thousands of soccer moms and Disney-conditioned / obsessed tweens, this is a serious dilema of gargantuan proportions and someone must be held accountable.

For those of you who haven’t a clue what I am talking about, here’s a little backstory:

Hannah Montana is a fictional character from the Disney show of the same name. Hannah, (played by Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter Miley) is a 14 year-old average teenager living a secret double life as a Teen Pop Sensation. The show has scored record ratings for the Disney Channel and is incredibly popular with the 5 to 12 demo. So naturally when Disney announced a nationwide Hannah Montana Live Tour (no, it’s not an ice show) demand for tickets spiked higher than that of a furry red homosexual tickle doll on Christmas Eve.

Tickets with a face value of $66 are reportedly selling on the secondary market for as much as $4500.

Sounds like a simple issue of supply and demand. So what’s the big deal, you say? The big deal is that Ticketmaster, the biggest monopolistic bully in the entertainment business is blaming ticket scalpers / brokers for causing this “ticket shortage” when infact they are scalping tickets themselves.

Case in point: A friend of mine bought HM tickets for her sister on Ticketmaster back in September. The show of course sold out immediately. A couple of days later, she received this email (note the subject line) from Ticketmaster offering to broker any extra Hannah Montana tickets she would not be able to use through their own service TicketExchange. WTF? Am I hearing this correctly? The same company that condemns the secondary market has created it’s own after-market resale venue to profit a second time on a ticket they have already sold? This is insane, deceptive and just plain evil.

Here is TM’s current sweet deal. When tickets go onsale, TM takes a percentage of face value. You then buy the ticket, and they gorge on another $8 – $30 as a “service charge.” Just incase you are thinking poor Ticketmaster, they are on track to make OVER $1 billion in 2007 revenues. That’s right…9 decimal places for those of you who are in remedial Algebra. But wait! How can they be expected to make living off of that?

They are now proposing to take over the secondary ticket market through their Ticket Exchange. Here, they will take another percentage of what you and I are trying to sell our tickets for – but then another $8 to $30 in “handling fees” on a ticket that has already been handled. That is a total of about 30% and $60 in fees and surcharges.

TM blames brokers and resellers for high ticket prices, but that is crap. Anyone who took high school economics knows that this is a matter of supply and demand. Now those fascists at TM want a bigger cut at our expense. There is no reason why they should continue taking advantage of consumers more than they already are.

Shame on you Ticketmaster…you blow!

There are only two days left to buy the guy who never forgets to call you back the perfect Father’s Day gift. But what does a middle aged man really want besides a jumbo screen TV, a flashy car, and a prolonged vacation on a tropical island? Probably lots of other very expensive things we can’t afford.

All kidding aside, finding something your dad will actually like can be a difficult task. This is why I have arranged ideas by budget in order to get your gift giving vibes flowing:

If you’re loaded: Maybe you have a killer summer job or maybe you run some type of sketchy monetary operation. Either way, you’re looking to spend the big bucks on dad.

BBQSauceoftheMonth.com membership- $19.95/mo ($240/yr)- Dads are known as universal masters of the grill. This website will send your dad two new barbecue sauces each month to experiment with. This is a plus for you if you like to eat because it will prompt your dad to throw some steaks or ribs onto the fire.

Snap-On Tools-$25-$500- Not all dads are handymen, but some can get pretty serious about their tools. Snap On tools are revered in male circles as one of the most respectable tool brands. Get a male friend or boyfriend to chat your dad up and see which tool he’s lacking. Then head online to snapon.com. You may want to check out eBay before making any purchases, because some of these items can cost more than a crappy car.

Bose headphones-$100-$350- Dads are hard workers. If your dad commutes, he’d probably enjoy a pair of noise canceling headphones to chill out with some music before and after his busy day at the office. Check out bose.com to compare styles and prices.

If you’ve got a respectable amount of cash: This category is probably where anyone with a halfway decent summer job would fall. You may only make slightly over minimum wage but you’ve been saving and you want to treat dad to something special.

Tickets- $5-$100-Tickets are a fairly broad gift that can be personalized according to the likes of your father. Treat him to a baseball game or a concert of his favorite band. If he’s a movie buff, take him out to see a new action flick. Tickets have a wide array of prices so if you find mid-range seats, you’ll have a decent view of whichever event you choose and you won’t break the bank. Plus, your dad will love spending time with you! Check out ticketmaster.com for prices and dates.

Food-$20-$50-It’s hard to go wrong with food. Treat your dad to brunch on his special day. MSN has compiled a list of major cities and great brunch locations here: http://cityguides.msn.com/restaurants/roundup_brunch.aspx?GT1=10074

If you’re far from a big city, or feel overwhelmed by the never ending list of spots to dine, ask your dad where he would like to go. Remember, today is his day and even if he likes liver and onions (Doug Funnie reference, anyone?) you should just deal.

If you’re slacking in the financial area: OK you don’t have a job, but you still have a few bucks to spare. Don’t worry, you’re not out of luck. You just need to get a little crafty.

Remote N Go Universal Keychain R2 Mini-$8-$12-Does your dad incessantly lose the remote control, or get pissed when you do? This tiny remote has the ability to control most televisions, cable, and satellite boxes. Plus it can easily fit onto a key chain, making it more difficult to lose because if your keys are missing, you have bigger problems than not being able to change a television station. You may want to compare prices, but Google has http://www.audio-discounters.com/r2-mini.html

at the time of their product search.

Dad Rock-$9-$12-You know it’s distinctive sounds the minute the first notes play. It’s Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tom Petty, Neil Young, the stuff your dad’s been listening to since you were six. You can’t afford to pay for concert tickets, and that’s fine. Buy him a CD or a DVD of a classic concert. Amazon.com has an impressive selection of musical artists and albums. Now your dad won’t have to wait until “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on the radio to start rocking out.

If you don’t have a penny: Shame on you. Just kidding, kind of. You haven’t had a job for months, and you can barely afford to step outside your front door. However, you’re still a kind, caring individual and wish to show your dad you care without the financial element. It’s time to get creative.

Chores-Free-The only things this gift will cost you are time and some energy. Take over some of the chores that you know your father hates the most. Complete the tasks thoroughly and smile while doing them. It’s just this once. Remember while you’re off at college, dads are left to handle these chores on their own.

Ecards-Free-I would suggest pairing this gift with the above. Otherwise, your effort may be percieved as kind of…lame. Bluemountain.com and 123greetings.com

offer a wide variety of Ecards bursting with colors and graphics. This may entertain dad for a few minutes. Remember to write something cute in the “add your own text” portion to win him over.