First of all, it’s nearly impossible for me to predict how much income I’ll rake in in a given week.  Second, there’s no way I can simply skip my monthly Metrocard (or other necessity) because I miscalculated.  So I charge it.  And then I charge five energy drinks because the grocer only accepts credit for purchases of $10 or more.  But the reality is, if I quit energy drinks (over $2 a pop), I would save hundreds of dollars a year.  What are you wasting your money on?

1.  The Bar

In New York City, you’re going to pay at least $10 for a Long Island Iced Tea.  For $10, you can buy a jug of Carlo Rossi or an 18-pack of Natty Ice, and you can nix the tip.  Even at cheap college bars, you’re bound to pay a cover charge to enjoy Nickel Nite, and even though you’re basically drinking for free, you have to tip on every round.  Instead of having a big bar night this week, have a liquor potluck, and invite all of your friends to come over with that random bottle that’s been collecting dust for months.  You’ll get drunk without spending a dime, and won’t have to wait 20 minutes for an overwhelmed bartender to take your order.

2. Gratuity

My roommate has EVERYTHING delivered.  Newsflash: Just because a restaurant advertises Free Delivery, you’re still going to spend 15-20% more than you would if you walked your ass down to Willy’s Wings.  This also falls in line with the bar thing, mentioned above, because if you think about it, a regular tip should be 15-20%.  So if your bar tab is $20, you should be tipping about $3-4.  But at the bar, patrons usually tip per round, and good tippers will tip per drink.  So even if you’re buying $2- or $3 pints, you could be tipping near 50% per round.  And hey, I’ve been a waitress forever, so I’m not advising anyone to save money by skimping on the tip; just cut out the services that require a tip in your life.

3.  Prepared Foods

That $5 sandwich you buy at the coffee shop every day will cost you about $25 a week (I’m not counting the weekends, when you’re not rushing from class to class).  That’s $1,300 a year.  Seriously.  For about $10, you can buy a loaf of bread, a half-pound of lunchmeat, and a quarter-pound of cheese, and make your own sandwiches for a week.  At an Italian restaurant, you’ll be paying around $15 for a pasta dish that you could make at home for less than five bucks.  Even your daily coffee is overpriced.  It’s okay to treat yourself to a full-service dinner sometimes, but before you go for that latte that’s been upcharged with Soy milk, flavored syrup, and a double shot of Espresso, ask yourself if the caffeine in a cup of Joe you brewed yourself would still do the trick.

4.  Cigarettes.

You don’t need them, they pollute your lungs, they yellow your teeth and make you smell like an ashtray, and they cost $5-$10 a pack, depending on your location.  Any questions?

5.  Gas.

Sure, gas prices have plummeted.  But you can save even more!  Do you and your friend always have to take separate cars on a rendezvous? Figure out a carpool schedule that’s fair for everyone.  Do you frequently start and stop your car? That wastes gas, so keep it running when you’re parked in your friend’s driveway for a minute while she finds her keys.  Obey the speed limits and traffic laws – braking hard and accelerating too quickly will eat gas like a pre-menstrual Ricki Lake at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.   Oh, and get your engine checked regularly.  A faulty car has to work twice as hard to get you where you’re going.

6.  Brand Names.

You can recreate just about any high-end look by having a watchful eye for clearance sales, discount department stores, and thrift store racks.  Likewise, Boar’s Head will cost you twice as much than your store brand deli meat, and when you’re buying macaroni and cheese in a freaking box, it doesn’t have to be Kraft.  That’s the point of Mac N Cheese.

7.  Your Gym Membership.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean it’s going to motivate you to go.  If you go to the gym sporadically, you probably don’t need the membership.  And if you are paying big bucks for an exclusive fitness center, you might consider checking out low-cost clubs like Planet Fitness ($20/month) or free rec services at your school.  Investing in a couple of weights, a medicine ball, or some DVDs might also save you money, and then there’s running, push-ups, and squats, which are always free.

8.  Your Friends.

It’s great if you and your pals don’t have to go strictly tit for tat, but the phrases, “Oh, I’ll get this, you can get the next time,” “I know you’ve had a rough week. Let me buy you a drink,” or “If I order a pizza, will you have some?” are going to get you into trouble.  So is saying you’ll put the bill on your credit card if everyone chips in– you’re bound to end up overcompensating for someone.  Sharing is great.  Just make sure you’re not getting the raw end of the deal.

9.  DVR or Tivo.

I’m pretty much obsessed with Lost, but I know if I miss it, I can catch up on ABC.com over the weekend.  So I also know that if you miss Nip/Tuck, The Office, or G’s to Gents, you aren’t going to die.  Say you spend $10 extra on your cable bill each month for DVR: that’s $120 a year, just to be able to fast-forward through commercials.

10.  The “Little Things”

An iTunes song for $1.  A magazine for $4. 75-cents for a bagel and 25-cents to add cream cheese. $20 to overnight your financial aid application because the deadline came out of nowhere. Saving money is like dieting.  If you try to restrict yourself too much, you’re bound to break, and splurge.  So that $1 iTunes song snowballs into Jimmy Buffet tickets, that coffee-shop bagel becomes routine because you don’t feel like you have the money to shell out a few bucks on storebought English muffins.  And you’ve been so disorganized that you’re always running late, which means you’re going to have to spend money on efficiancy.  It all adds up.

Before you buy something, ask yourself, is it worth it? Do you need it? If you didn’t buy that item, could you put the money towards something nice for yourself, like a new pair of shoes or a weekend vacay?  It is okay to spend money on superfluous things, but try to cut some of your expenitures out of your life first, and then plan a day to reward yourself.  Chances are you still won’t spend as much money.

Looks like the joke’s on us, ladies. We were all tossing and turning last night worried about the fate of our dear Brody and Doug in jail, only to learn that they were not arrested.

They were in CASINO jail pressing charges against someone for pussy punching Doug and dumping a bloody mary on Brody. MTV, I hate you.

The real drama of the episode had nothing to do with jail at all. It had to do with Audrina, runny mascara and Spencer officially going down as the biggest jerk of all time.

Let’s begin with Spencer (because I can’t hold it in anymore). I would just like to ask – again – if anyone else remembers that time when Spencer was down and out over his breakup with Barbie and he turned to his sister for help. He did not clean up after himself. He never really left the couch. So now he has Heidi’s sis on his couch (or in his “office,” as he refers to it) for 48 hours and he won’t stop crying about it.

Maybe if he got a freaking job he wouldn’t have to spend all day with her. There is more to do in life than play video games and whine about your TiVo. We all know Spencer and Heidi don’t break up over this (because they are fame whores who can’t stay out of the mags), but I still find myself hoping that maybe Heidi will wake up, realize her bf has flesh colored facial hair and move the eff on.

Now onto the main show: Mascara Event 2008. Starring Lauren Conrad as the selfish friend who can’t take criticism and Audrina Partridge as the brooding outsider who just doesn’t feel accepted. Special guest appearances by: Lo Bosworth as the bitch who is driving everyone apart, and Justin Bobby as the stoned dude who just wants Audrina to surround herself with good energy.

This little showdown has been brewing for months – or ever since Lo came into the picture – and just like every fight I’ve ever had with my friends, it got way too big before the confrontation went down. Mistakes were discussed, loyalty was tossed around (“I go to those shows awkwardly bobbing my head for you!”) and, finally, the tears were a flowin’.

“All I want is to keep the past in the past,” Lauren said. And maybe some waterproof mascara? No? Watch the episode…you may change your mind.

Anyways, after yelling and fighting and crying….the girls make up. I really do hope they can stay friends, but I just don’t see that happning with evil Lo around. She seems to push all of LC’s friends away so she can keep her all to herself. Maybe she thinks she can double her salary if another friend is left in the dust?

Who knows. All I know is I want someone (Spencer) to go to jail (be beaten up) for real before the season ends.

P.S. Did anyone else see Lo on Facebook during the ep? Amazing.

[Photo courtesy of MTV.com]

Usually, we try to have some kind of theme to our Wednesday Night series, but when we went digging through the Casual Encounters this week, we spent so much time being supremely grossed out that it was all we could do to keep ourselves from falling on the floor and pouring printer ink into our eyes. I mean, there was some gross sh*t on the internet this week. For realz.

Below are just a bunch of people we really hope we never meet.

Guy Who May or May Not Work At Costco Wants To Help You Promote Infidelity

Hey there. Thanks for reading my ad. I’m looking for a stay at home mom, that is already in a relationship, but just wants to have a lover on the side. You know the drill, your husband goes to work, and you have to watch the kids. But when the kids are at school, or go to their friends house, you have some free time to yourself. Then you fantasize about hooking up with the FedEx driver or that young guy that helped you at Costco. Well if that’s you, lets meet up.

If you can’t keep a secret, or if you are single, please don’t reply.

I own a pretty decent size company, so discretion is a must.

He Obviously TiVo’s ‘Little People, Big World’

Handsome multi ethnic male

6ft 200lbs muscular and hung 9 inches seeks a wild and kinky open minded little person, midget, dwarf who is interested in a sexual relationship. I prefer thick and curvy bbw types.

If interested in partying some time, lets trade pix, discrete here with plenty to trade.

This Dude Has Found the Missing Food Group…Apparently

Worldclass cunningluinguist [Editor's Note: Fantastic word choice!!] will get you off. believe it.

addicted/obsessed.teachable. & I can host if you like. same day/night meets only. no pic exchanges, I DO talk, keeps my tongue limber. going down….

Phoenix Guy Uses A) Caps and B) Bossy Statements Just A Little Too Much (but come on cut him some slack he’s bored and horny!!)

I AM HOME AND REALLY BORED! I WANNA CHILL WITH SOMEONE AND WE WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS! IM 5’5 SHORT BLK HAIR, HAZEL EYES, AVERAGE BUILD, WEIGH 130 HAVE SIX AND A HALF INCHES UNCUT AND THICK, IF YOU WANNA MEET UP SEND ME A MESSAGE AND ILL HIT U UP!

I HAVE PICS UPON REQUEST! COME ON GUYS REALLY BORED AND HORNY!

This Guy Knows That Nothing Breaks Up A Monotonous Day Better Than Porn

Looking for a place to hang out during work hours .. maybe drink a beer watch some porn .. stroke my 8 inch c*ck ….

i am 5’11 188 lbs liteskin brn eyes a sweet smile and even sweeter lips …. let’s break up the monotony ….

I’d like to take this opportunity (5:30pm on a Tuesday sitting in a Starbucks…) to thank the techie gods for these five technological innovations I can’t imagine my life without:

1) The Laptop – I wouldn’t even be here, sitting in this Starbucks at 5:30pm on a Tuesday if it weren’t for the laptop. Mine is a black MacBook. It’s light, sleek, fast, and now that I’ve got a new battery, it holds a five-hour charge. As a writer I can’t even imagine what it must have been like to have to write papers, even novels, on typewriters. Writing a page and then realizing that there was a spelling error? The horror! Being stuck in a home office or computer lab in order to use a desktop computer? Never again!

2) The Cell Phone – My current cell is a black Motorola Razr (it matches my laptop, which was an accident), and even though I can call, text, and surf (the very slow) Internet, I can’t wait until my plan is up in September so I can upgrade to a new phone. There are so many phones now with speedy Internet capabilities, music players, digital cameras, even video cameras, you often only need this one tiny piece of plastic to get you through your day.

3) TiVo – Very few people I know actually own a TiVo machine, but most have a digital video recorder and we can thank TiVo for that. Now I get to start my day with The Daily Show and a cup of coffee, instead of having to end my evening that way. I can skip through the commercials for dishwashing liquid while watching Good Eats on the Food Network. And I can re-watch the season finale of Lost to try and figure out what the hell is going on with that wacky island. I never want to be tied down to a programming schedule or (gasp!) a VHS tape-recorded show, again.

4) The iPod – The iPhone has a music player and the iPod Touch has Internet capabilities, but I’ll take a regular iPod (now called an “iPod classic” That was fast!) any day. My life is richer now that I can walk to the subway station in New York listening to Of Montreal, and when I get in my car in Los Angeles, I scroll through my iPod to find the perfect song to drive to the beach to (Len’s “Steal My Sunshine” is a personal, pop favorite). I now have a soundtrack to my life and I can’t imagine my life without it.

5) Bluetooth – This is both a physical thing and a magical data transmission thing. I’m thankful for both. Physical Bluetooth devices, like the earpiece I carry in my car, are a life saver for two reasons: 1) I won’t kill myself while driving, and 2) I won’t get a $50 ticket now that California has a new non-handheld cell phone law. And I’m thankful for the magical powers of Bluetooth that can’t be seen, which help me to get photos from my laptop to my cell phone and visa versa. Now embarrassing photos of my sister are always around to share at the next family reunion.

Since it’s not a physical thing, I didn’t include Facebook on this list, but I think it deserves an honorable mention. There’s no reason to ever fall out of touch with someone now. I’ve got friends on Facebook that I haven’t seen since I was eight, friends that I see almost every day, and even an ex-boyfriend (or two) so I know when he has a new girlfriend (Ouch! They look so happy together! What a douchebag!). (Editor’s Note: And we can happily stalk people without ever being discovered!) It’s both a blessing and a curse, but one that I could never do without.

[Photo courtesy of pcworld.com]

Exploring all the pop cultural guilty pleasures, memorable products and people, disgraces and debuts, fads and fashions, scandals and sensations.

With clever and over-animated comedians dissecting and reflecting on everything from metrosexuals to Dance Dance Revolution to Sudoku, you can’t help but giggle at the off the wall and politically incorrect observations. In honor of the show, I decided to take a yummy walk down pop-culture memory lane from 2000-2004. Here are some of my personal favorite memories from the new millennium…and the ones I despise.

New Millennium Favs:

Napster- The inspiring illegal innovation that started it all. Thank you, Shawn Fanning, for changing the musical and digital landscape.

Uggs- I don’t care how hideous they are and how far-gone the trend is, these babies keep my tootsies toasty on the way to class or, if I’m feeling really lazy, at the bar.

Crazy astronaut lady- The mildly-disturbed NASA astronaut reaffirmed my faith in equal opportunity insanity by proving that not just us common folk, but also those blessed with insanely high IQ’s, can go absolutely bonkers and lose their marbles.

Tivo & DVR- Oh, how sweet it is.

Zoolander- This brilliant satirical Ben Stiller flick poked fun at male models, the fashion industry, and most importantly, gave us ‘Blue Steel’.

iPod- What exactly did we do before these magical pocket-sized miracles? Does anyone remember the Discman? I rest my case.

Harry Potter- I’ve never read the books nor seen the movies, but anything that gets kids excited about reading is kick-ass.

New Millennium Not-So-Favs:

Fauxhawk- Along with popped collars and trucker hats. Please…no more.

The rise of Bill O’Reilly- Radically right wing, this guy always reminds me of someone’s delusional, deranged grandpa, spurting and mumbling nonsensical absurdities and ranting about the downfall of society.

Janet’s Boob Pop- The drama surrounding the infamous areola accident was overblown and nauseating. Seriously, can everyone please get over nipple spillage incidents? (Editor’s Note: We have much larger word issues to worry about…like the rise in vagina flashing, lately!) Fifty percent of the world population has a set of female breasts; let’s not be fourth graders about this.

“Wazzzup” commercial- This commercial was amusing for about five seconds — before every frat boy, soccer mom and middle-aged business man drove it straight into the ground.

Big Mouth Billy Bass, The Singing Fish- Much like a hungover person awakes to question and regret their behavior the previous evening, I can only hope that the millions of people who bought this highly annoying novelty product soon came to their senses and tossed that fish back to sea (sorry, couldn’t resist).

“I’m Rick James, bitch”- Though I was a huge fan of the Dave Chappelle show (before he lost his mind and moved to Africa), this overused Chappelle-ism became a part of our daily lexicon and managed to become one of those uber-annoying catch phrases.

Clay Aiken & William Hung- I don’t get it. I’ve never gotten it. And I want it to go away.

I realize you’re attached to your name. TLC stands for the ‘The Learning Channel’ and you take a certain amount of pride in the fact that you’re really trying to teach your viewers something about the world. Please don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot from you guys.

For example ‘What Not To Wear‘ taught me exactly why people looked at me funny when I rocked my red-tee-tucked-into-my-red-sweatpants look for two years. You helped me get out of that phase and I appreciate you for that. Additionally, all your programming about sex that involves heavy use of x-ray footage of coitus allowed me to realize just how disgusting human anatomy can be and gave me a bunch of great facts to drop at the bar.

But let’s be real for a minute. There’s someone working for your organization who isn’t doing his job. You know who I’m talking about. Steve, the guy who’s been naming all your documentaries. He’s phoning that sh*t in and you know it. Now, I know he’s your wife’s cousin and he’s going through a rough patch right now, but it’s time to cut that guy loose.

I can imagine your meetings now:

TLC Managing Director of Content : Alright Steve, we’ve got a piece about a guy who does steroids and has a terrible addiction to them and his arms explode. Need something edgy. Something to really grab that audience.

Steve: THE MAN WHO’S ARMS EXPLODED.

TLC Managing Director of Content: You just…you just took what I described and put it into one sentence.

Steve : The man who’s arms ‘sploded‘ ?

TLC Managing Director of Content: …Alright. Let’s do the first one.

This is probably how it goes down. Am I right? Stop me if I’m wrong but I’m not sure how else you come up with stunners like “The Boy With A New Head” and “The Boy With Frozen Bones.”

Here, I’ve got some ideas for you (just send me a check later). One about a kid who has diabetes called “The Boy With The Sugar Imbalance,’ and maybe one about someone who died skydiving called “Jumped Out Of A Plane And Died.”

Also, please run “Bringing Home Baby,” more because I can’t afford TiVo and I keep missing it.

Love,

Conan