This morning, a post over at Em and Lo caught our eye. They featured a comment from one of their readers on a post about oral sex. To be more exact, it was a post called “How Do I Tell My BF He Sucks at Oral?” Here’s what the comment said:

I’m an Old Guy, 70 to be exact. I have over 50 years of experience going down on women, and I can say without hesitation that each woman is different. Patience young men (and young women, too!), patience and a willing heart combined with a woman who feels SAFE telling you what she wants and can do so clearly…that is the key to bring many women to peak passionate release. For me there is nothing quite like pleasing a woman; first learning about her, and then pleasing her.

I want younger men and women to know that when I say practice and learning and all that, that I am not talking about years or even months. You can earn – as I did – the appellation of “an educated tongue” within a few hours or a few days. I was 23 when I was told for the first time – post cunnilingus, of course – that I had an “Educated Tongue.” And she wasn’t talking about linguistic facility in Mandarin. But she WAS talking about communication, that is communication between us via my tongue, lips, chin (yes boys, chin) and…this may be the most difficult to imagine without guffawing: my nose. (Settle down, Children, settle down…) Read More »

It seems to me that cell phone etiquette is a thing of the past for this generation. From libraries to public transportation, everyone is always on his or her phone and they’re always being very rude about it. As a misanthrope I find everything about society to be extremely irritating but overheard phone conversations really grinds my gears. Who’s with me? All of you? Ok!

Lets evaluate the top ten most annoying conversations to overhear and make fun of those guilty of them.

Read More »

I could write a book filled with my friends’ hook up horror stories, but that would be ugly and unproductive. So in the spirit of Liz Lemon, I decided to make a list of deal breakers to prevent said horror stories. Unfortunately, many of my friends have followed through with a hookup despite a definite deal breaker (I have not of course, because I am perfect and never make mistakes). Enough is enough. Some things are just plain unacceptable and must be addressed.

However, I didn’t just write this list for girls. Pass this post on to a guy friend. Gentlemen, please pay attention. I’m trying to help you.

1. The Head Move

Head has two meanings here. If you’re a girl, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. The guy you’re making out with places one of his hands on your head or shoulder (barely a step up) and proceeds to gently push you downward. Subtle.

Out of all the over-eager pushy moves guys pull, this has got to be one of the most disrespectful because it wanders into the area of coercion, which is NOT ok.

At best, this tactic epitomizes the male sex’s inability to communicate. Why does the necessity to constantly talk about sex only disappear when you’re actually in the act?  USE YOUR WORDS. So many of my friends have encountered the head move that I’m starting to think guys genuinely believe it to be smooth. Why? How? NO. It’s rude and awkward (more awkward than simply speaking up. Shocker.). You might as well say “Hey, ya know what? I really don’t want to look at your face right now. So if ya don’t mind…”

WE KNOW WHERE IT IS. Please, just ask or let us offer.

2. Overly Aggressive Dirty Talk

On the other hand, a guy who enjoys using his words a little too much can also be a problem. One of my friends was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he suddenly said something so atrocious I don’t feel comfortable quoting it. All I will say is he spoke in a deep, husky voice “reminiscent of Buffalo Bill from ‘The Silence of The Lambs’ ” and ended his exclamation with “BITCH.”

They were about 5 minutes into making out…

Guys, you want to make a girl feel sexy, not like she’s about to be murdered, skinned and then sewn into some socio-path’s lady-suit. So, think before you speak, especially if it’s your first time hooking up with her. She may not even be into that, so try and pull it back…especially if you’re both still fully clothed.

3. Bad kissing 

OK, we can handle the cheesy dance moves or all around lack of rhythm. These tend to be less consistent gauges of a potential hookup’s prowess. However, we cannot and will not tolerate questionable kissing skills. Let me put this into perspective; the guy doing “the fishing-line” on the dance floor has a significantly better chance at catching some tail than the J.T.-in-training who kisses like a trout. (Sadly, the later will not be “rocking” anyone’s body anytime soon. Cheesy enough mixed metaphor for ya?). There is NO excuse for still being a bad kisser by the time you’ve reached COLLEGE.

And no, we don’t care this much because a great make-out is just sooooo romantic and swoon-worthy. We care because if you don’t have that fundamental step down, you’ll most likely disappoint past that point.

4. Overbearing and Over-sharing

One of my friends had been hooking up with a guy for only a couple weeks when he gave her a toothbrush so she could “start staying over all the time!” Yay? As she so eloquently reflected, “2 fast, 2 furious.” Coming on too strong, too soon can make a girl very uncomfortable.

This also includes the often drunken over-sharing. There’s a difference between opening up and word vomit. Girls can make great listeners, but don’t abuse this quality. There is a time and a place…and, hey, probably another person that you could talk to. Pre or Post-hookup, we don’t want to hear about your friend drama, and, please, don’t ever bring up your ex-girlfriend. TMI is a turn-off. Remember, if she was your shrink, you’d being lying on her couch, not her bed.

5. Overconfidence

True, some girls find copious amounts of confidence irresistible, but if you use pick-up lines seriously or refer to yourself in the third person, most girls are just going to think you’re an ass. Worst-case scenario: we find you funny (in a laughing at you not with you sense).

Another friend of mine was once hooking up with a guy who suddenly stopped to ask her, “So, how many times have you climaxed so far?” Did I mention they had been having sex for maybe 10 minutes?

Dude, too soon. What’s next, a Steve Jobs joke?

(She told me this story crying with laughter. At least he did that for her…).

6. Super Sketchy Secretive Behavior

I’m addressing this section mainly to girls. To a lot of us, this is a red flag. However, some girls don’t see a guy’s shenanigans as sketchy, but as mysterious and exciting. I know girls with 4.0’s that fall into this trap. It has got to stop. He is not James Bond, and you are not a Bond girl. So beware of the LATE night texts, secret meeting places, lack of public interaction, and overall treatment of your hookup as a covert operation.

You are not role-playing. HE’S PROBABLY MARRIED.

7. Wanting to Go Condom Commando

This shouldn’t even need an explanation. Girls, don’t give into this pressure by any means. What guy is going to say, “Ok, well I’d rather not have sex at all then”?

If by some off chance he does, he’s an idiot. Sucks to suck.

8. Extreme Drunkenness

Ladies, if he went to the bathroom to “take a piss” and returns with a minty-fresh mouth, he probably wasn’t handling his beer breathe for you, he actually just tactically vommed. Sound cynical? This has happened to more than one of my friends (and they only knew the truth because the fellas fessed up). Get out. Get out immediately.

Guys, extreme drunkenness can lead to not only sloppy seduction, but also disaster. Remember how Jonah Hill head-butts Emma Stone in “Superbad” because he passes out as he leans in to kiss her? Well, even if you make it past your fellow fallen soldier, as long as you too are extremely intoxicated, you’re not going get much further. A girl doesn’t have to be psychic to predict that the hookup will most likely be super bad in other ways.

Bottom line: No girl wants to feel like a sexual predator…or Snookie’s handler.

Of course this list could go on-and-on and get strangely specific. For example, I could add “playing weird mood music” (cranking up the Sarah Bareillis doesn’t exactly set the scene for seduction. Yes, this too has happened to one of my poor friends). However, I trust that the eight deal breakers above cover more common ground. That being said, I recognize that every girl has her personal preferences, and that’s awesome. Just make sure you’re getting what you want out of your hookup experience.

As for the lovely upstanding gentlemen who took the time to read this post, I’d like to impart to you the secret to improving in all the aforementioned areas:

Stop it.

Honesty’s the best policy, blah blah and blah. There is such a thing as TMI and FTW to those of you who believe you have to be 100% honest to the point of overbearing. Mystery’s just as exciting and important an element to any kind of relationship, long-term, short-term, monogamous, or poly as intimacy. In fact, trust sometimes has to be proven by willing to let the other person have a secret or a tick or a fetish that defies explanation. And really, there are just some things that nobody needs to know. Not going to sugar coat it for you, ladies. This Dude’s List, we’re going to be getting a little grimy. Brace yourself:

initiating the gallery...

Was it that painful? Do you need to go shower now? I feel like I do. Some of these things it’s too late to undo. Once you learn something, you’ll never be able to completely expunge the neural change committed to the brain because those pesky synapses already fired. The best I can hope is that this list serves as a tool for those of you in danger of crossing these lines. I’m all for intimacy, in knowing, trusting, and engrossing yourself in someone completely. But I still want you to keep that damn bathroom door closed!

“That’s not a moon.”

Dude Skywalker

I’m new to writing this column, but I have to admit that I  already adore it. I’ve always loved being able to be open and honest about sex – sharing a bit of opinion and a bit of fact about what makes us tick sexually. But this week I’ve hit a snag. You see, pretty much everyone I know reads this column – my dad (hi dad!), his journalist friends, my family, my friends, and because I post links on my Facebook, there’s the potential for past teachers, my boyfriend’s family and family friends to read it too.

Of course, any kind of exposure is great, and I’m grateful that so many people are interested in reading my work, but then I realize – what am I comfortable with sharing? The short answer is really everything; I’m more than comfortable with my sexual proclivities.  But I keep remembering something my sex-columnist-hero, Dan Savage, has said many-a-time: there are some things that parents, teachers, and family friends have a right not to know. Read More »

This week’s Wall of Shame contains some of the most horrifying status updates that have appeared on our readers’ (and my own) Facebook walls… this week. Because – come on, people – we don’t need to know how many times you poop a day, or exactly how many credits you had to complete at community college to get your degree.

You know you’ve got people like these in your newsfeed. Send the worst statuses you see to FBWallOfShame@CollegeCandy.com. Then send the perpetrator a link to this article. Consider it a community service.

Heartbroken Harry wonders why the ones who are SO convincingly nice and awesome ALSO turn out to be a**holes. WOW.

Girl Whose Updates Consist Solely of What Her Dog Does Getting Dooney out of bed to play in the snow is next to impossible. She just looks at me and then lays back down. She is such a teenie-bopper. I literally put her leash on and tried to pull her out of bed with no luck, the bed would have had to go on a walk also!

TMI Tina why have i already sh*t 4 times today?
Concerned Commenter why are you posting this on facebook? Read More »

The summer of 2008. A summer drowning in recession, debt, ridiculous gas prices, and boring, trashy television (I mean, Greatest American Dog??). Lots of things seem to be going wrong…or at least…discussed to the point of having us all believe they’re going wrong…and many teens and twenty-somethings are turning to the web to air their grievances.

Because 2008 isn’t just the summer of expensive corn and Obama-rama, it’s also the summer of TMI. Over-sharing has become a form of communication for our generation; from blogging about bad dates, to blogging about our self-indulgent issues, to blogging purely to become famous. No matter who we are, we can become stars overnight by uploading naked photos, name-dropping about a wild party, or simply having an ounce of literary ability and a snarky way with words.

By late July, 2008, the percent of people in the US who haven’t seen a celebrity vajayjay flash or heard someone say, “dude, I’m gonna blog about this!” is monumentally small, and it seems like every day a new gossip or 24 hour news site pops up. However, amidst the clattering of fingers on keyboards and snapping of flashbulbs, I can’t help but wonder if this constant need to be seen and heard is actually doing us any good. Read More »

The Jonas Brothers (one of whom, let’s not kid ourselves, is going to turn out to be gay) are all over the airwaves these days. Disney is pimping these kids out hardcore; giving them their own band, TV movie, and so many endorsements I’m sure they’re already richer than I’ll ever be. Hell, I’m ten years too old for the Disney channel but still know waaayyy more about these nubile young boys (somebody needs to tell their stylist to LAY OFF the foundation. Geeze) than certain cousins in my immediate family.

Speaking of TMI, I already knew the J. Bros wore promise rings. Whether Disney put a (metaphoric) gun to their head, or they really all want to wait until marriage to get it on, I never thought much about the religious implications behind those rings. Yes, certain devout Christian peeps tend to hang onto their V-cards longer than a lot of us, but I never assumed the Jonas Bros were trying to impart any kind of religious message on the impressionable youth of this sugar-pop obsessed country.

I assumed wrong.

At least according to Fox News. Read More »