It's the moment of truth, little lady.

We’re well into another new school year and to honor that, we at CollegeCandy are bringing back the fan-favorite series, “We’ve All Been There.”  (We tried to get another national holiday/long weekend for you guys but it’s way harder than we thought so this will have to do.) Every week, Lauren from the University of Michigan will comment on the common experiences all college women share – like class registration, the dreaded muffin top or, everyone’s favorite activity, procrastinating. Read, relate, cringe and enjoy.

Your boxes are unpacked, your bed is made, and your parents have left the building. You are officially a college student.

Woohoo! No more living under their rules. You are a free adult livin’ the dorm life. It takes a few days of getting used to, but you’re finally feeling settled. You’ve even sorta mastered the cafeteria slop. This whole college thing isn’t so hard after all.

That is, until you need to do a little #2 in the public bathroom down the hall. The one every other girl on the hall also frequents to shower, wash up, dry her hair, and do her business. Girls you don’t know. Girls you want to befriend. Feeling the stage fright, you’ve been unable to go for days and, between the cafeteria salad bar (roughage!) and the frat party jungle juice, it’s been rather difficult.

But now it’s time and you have no choice but to suck it up, drop the pants, and take care of business.

The feeling hits you fast. You drop everything you are doing (read: log off of Facebook) and do a little walk/run to the bathroom. You fumble with your keys as you unlock the door, then quickly pull it closed it behind you. You listen for anyone in the shower. You can hear some water running, so you scurry into a stall before anyone can see your face. After safely securing your door, you crouch down to see if any of the other stalls are in use. Thankfully, you are alone.

You turn to the toilet and notice some splash on the seat. You bend down and get in close to determine if it is some inconsiderate squatter’s pee, or maybe a little splash back from the toilet. Regardless of what it is, you are going to have to wipe it up before you let your precious cheeks hit the seat.

You grab a giant handful of toilet paper and wad it up, creating a thick barrier between your hand and the toilet seat. Then, gagging and turning your face away from the situation, you quickly wipe the seat, toss the paper in the toilet and flush it with your foot.

Phew. Now you’re ready.

You sit down and mentally prepare for your first public poop when you hear the door open and a few girls walk in.

“OhMyGod,” you think to yourself. “I can’t go with these girls in here! What if I make loud noises? What if I make the bathroom smell? They may see me or recognize my leopard print slippers! It’s social suicide.” You contemplate sitting silently until they leave, but it seems they are doing the same thing. Besides, after 10 days of zero bowel activity, holding out is really not an option. So you go with plan B: distraction.

You begin coughing, tapping your foot, and rolling and unrolling the toilet paper – anything to cover the sounds of what is happening in stall #3. Though it’s not the ideal sitch (and it’s nearly impossible to do your business and cough at the same time), you do manage to complete your task in a timely fashion without any embarrassing sounds or smells (well, really offensive ones, anyway), and even sneak out of the bathroom before anyone in the neighboring stalls can see your face. Or the sweat marks under your arms.

Yesssss, success!

– Yeah, we’ve all been there and it’s awkward. But if there’s anything we learned it’s that Everybody Poops, so don’t be afraid. By the end of the semester, you’ll be taking magazines, books and even your laptop in there with you and chatting with the girl next door. You may even wonder how you ever did it alone.

Mac 'n cheese for now, pizza for (when you're drunk) later.

Living in college pretty much means you will be living a notch above a homeless person.  You drink cheap booze heavily, pass out in random places, smell like last night on your way to class and (pretty much) live in a box.  Luckily, we all know that is what makes college amazing.

But still, college can get pretty difficult at times.  You don’t have a car your freshman year to make constant trips to Trader Joe’s, let alone the moolah to buy nice minty tea tree shampoo and Charmin Baby soft toilet paper like Mama buys at home (sigh).  What are you ever going to do without a stocked pantry and a private hot shower (that doesn’t require flip flops and a shower caddy?!?).

Don’t fret, college loved ones!  The college campus is a gold mine for basic needs and perks.  And I promise you, one thing we have up to a homeless man is easy access to what we need.

Toilet Paper: At Texas A&M University, the opportunity to jack some TP is dwindling. Fight back! Bust into those dorm bathrooms and storage closets and stack the TP high, cradle it in your arms and for the love of all that is sanitary and hygienically sound, earn your TP!

Paper From The Lib: If you brought your own printer to school, the least your school could do for you is provide a healthy stack of paper to print out all of those essays professors are assigning.  And those weekly one-pager updates your prof is making you type up for the chapter you read in Physics?  That calls for an entire stack of HP Plain Paper…slipped inconspicuously into a binder….then shoved into your bag.

Loaves of Bread/Cereal From the Caf: Now this begins to get more tricky.  Loaves of bread are large and awkwardly shaped and the cafeteria has many sets of eyes to watch you jack one. And cereal is crunchy and loud.  But bread can construct so many foods (i.e. sandwiches, toast, french toast, garlic bread etc) and it is way worth the trouble of fetching for later.  And cereal is just plain amazing.  All you must do is sling your backpack open, recruit a fellow comrade, and have he/she slip it in your bag. Boom. Breakfast.

Cranberry Juice/Orange Juice/Soda From the Caf: Duh kiddies, these are perfect chaser material for Thursday-Sunday.  It is pretty easy to carefully pour glasses into old Aquafina water bottles and trek them to your dorm via North Face backpack.  And you don’t even have to spend a $1.50 on a flat soda in the Pepsi machine for your cheap vodka later.

Extensive Amounts of Your R.A.’s Candy: This is a given.  I’m not sure if your R.A. lets bowls of candy sit outside her dorm room like every day is Halloween on crack, but mine always did.  And mid-study sesh, it’s always OK to run over to the bowl and take more than a few for later.  I mean, that’s what they’re there for, right?

Old Magazines From the Workout Room: This may be gross (granted everyone sweats their vodka cranberries out all over them) but if you get beyond that (degrading) thought, magazines can act for a good numbing activity when you don’t want to study and you can make a collage on your bulletin board of all of the shots of Taylor Lautner prancing in the water.

Pens in the Financial Aid Office: I’m willing to bet the financial aid office is doing just fine.  One college pen that writes nicely isn’t going to kill anybody.

Free Toiletries in the Bathroom: Man, bathrooms where I went to school were stocked full of tampons.  With a life so stressful and unpredictable, who knows when you will get Aunt Flo knocking on your door? Stash up, and be prepared.

Expired Holiday Decorations: Dorm rooms really get spiced up during the holidays.  My advice? Take them for later and stash them in one of those 80 empty bins you have sitting around your dorm room.  They will look great in your new house next year, or an on campus apartment.

The Cute Boy in Your Science Class: Steal him for coffee or happy hour.  You must.

But head honchos at Texas A&M don’t agree.

The University, in attempts to cut $60 million of their budget campus wide, is hoping to remove $82,000 from their budget first by leaving the dormitories sans TP.  Yep, that’s right. Texas A&M is not stocking dormitories with the one thing we really need on a Sunday morning (after extensive partying, the discovery of cheap vodka and the obligatory late night burrito).

Associate vice president for communications, Susan Sherylon Carroll says, “We looked at what areas can we cut and not negatively affect our students’ academics, and it was that.”  Really, Susan Sherylon? You really think not having potty essentials to clean up shop isn’t going to negatively affect all of the students who are consuming DORM FOOD? (And speaking of food, if they’re taking away TP, can you imagine what sort of cuts they are making with the grub? Um, ew.)

I have a firm belief that not being able to wipe (or sprinting to buildings where they can) is going to affect any students studying rituals and academic performance. 

Let us brainstorm.  I’m sure there are a ton of other things they can remove from the life of a college student that is not going to negatively affect their academic performance (or force them to drip dry….).  How about all of those fancy ‘University’ magazines they send out to families, that weird salad nobody eats in the caf, the inflated salaries of the worst professors on campus, gas expenses for those little maintenance cars that push people off sidewalks on the way to class, or the vice president’s assistant salary?

We’re in a recession, I get it, but there’s got to be a better way for universities to cut their losses than by taking away students’ rights to wipe. I mean, if we’re already stooping this low, what’s next? Shower curtains? Indoor plumbing? Charging for office hours? Come on!

A wave of humid, stale air hits you the minute you step inside. You feel your hair instantly frizzing up. But the room is dark and every girl in there is suffering from the frizzies, so you pull it back, grab a few cans of (crappy) beer from yet another muscley frat boy and get your party on.

You’re dancing, sweating, having a good time when it hits you: you have to pee. And not just a little bit. A lot a bit.
As in, one more bump and grind and it will be dripping down your leg. You grab your friend, pull her close and scream into her ear, “BATHROOM!??” The music is so loud, though, she can’t hear you.

“WHAT?!” She mouths as she gets low, low, low, with a guy with giant pit stains. You try screaming again, but it’s no use. So you break out the gestures, pointing to your bladder then pointing in the direction of the stairs. She finally gets it, leaves her perspiring prince behind and joins you in the hunt for a clean-ish bathroom.

You climb the stairs, passing couples making out along the way. As you near the top you see a long string of girls lining the hallway. Obviously, this is the line for the bathroom. And obviously, you have no choice but to wait in it (because, unlike those boys, you can’t just head outside and empty your bladder into a bush).

The line moves slowly, giving you and your friend some time to reflect on the not-so-hottie she was getting dirty with on the dance floor. And the trashy girls coming out of the bathroom. And how drunk you are. And how if you wait one more second you are going to pee on your skirt.

Finally, it’s your turn. You and your friend run into the bathroom and lock the door behind you. Your friend holds your purse and fixes her hair as you attempt to hover over the seat-less bowl. You pray to the gods above that your legs don’t give out; who knows what sort of diseases lurk in the stains that litter the bowl. Thinking about it makes you throw up in your mouth a little, so you focus on the task at hand:

Hovering.

As you squat and release the 6 cans of beer you’ve consumed since entering this sweatbox you begin scanning the room for toilet paper. You see a couple Playboys, some condom wrappers, a notebook and a book of matches, but not one roll of TP. Anywhere. Your friend starts opening cabinets and drawers.

“There’s shaving cream, a bottle of lube and – ew! – a pair of dirty boxers, but no toilet paper,” she reports.

You weigh your options:
1. Drip dry. Ew, gross.
2. Notebook paper?
3. Drip dry. Ok, maybe not so gross.
4. Crumpled up magazine paper?
5. Drip drying may be the only option.
6. How many diseases could there really be in that pair of boxers?
7. Oh eff, I’m gonna have to drip dry.

You do a little shimmy shake, stand up and quickly pull up your undies. You no longer feel like you have to pee down your leg; instead you feel like you already did. You do a mini waddle to the sink, rinse your hands (because, obvi, there is no soap), grab your purse and exit the bathroom.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. You are not the first girl to contemplate the notebook paper, and definitely not the last to leave the bathroom with a little pee pee in your panties.

Well, 2009 doesn’t just mean cool cars and advanced cellphone technology. It also means new and improved products for the potty.  Take a look at some of these new things that make the bathroom experience that much more pleasant. Don’t ask me why or how I found these. Seriously.

Poof
This latest product does exactly what it says. It literally makes the smell of your poop go “Poof!” This liquid deodorizer traps the odors of the big brown boys in the water, releasing a refreshing scent of Japanese mint to fill the air. Unlike an air freshener that can just leave the bathroom smelling like misty grossness (fresh spring breeze + poop = fresh and springy poop), Poof traps the odors before they can even try to escape the toilet. No more worries about having to hold it in after your hot date at a Mexican restaurant.

Go girl
Whoever said guys are the only ones that can stand when going to the bathroom? Just because they get to avoid the unsanitary toilet seats that get exposed to way too many butts in a day, doesn’t mean we can’t too!

iCarta
Okay, so this one may be a tad bit unnecessary, but it sure is freakin’ cool. It’s a toilet paper dispenser with a built in iPod dock and speakers. Because pooping is so much more fun when you’re doin’ it with the Kings of Leon.

LavNav
If you’re like me, even the slightest light can wake you up and keep you up. Especially when that light comes from the bathroom when you have to do a little pee pee in the middle of the night. But you know from experience that attempting to take a middle-of-the-night bathroom trip sans lights only leads to wet floors and a giant bump on your head.  Welcome the LavNav. This automatic light turns on when you approach the toilet in the dark, and turns off after you leave, lighting up only the areas you need. Best part is, this energy efficient product uses really cool red and green light. It’s like a disco toilet.

Other fun idea: bring your laptop. There is some sort of sick pleasure that comes from IMing your friends from the bathroom stall. What, just me?

Your boxes are unpacked, your bed is made, and your parents have left the building. You are officially a college student.

Woohoo! No more living under their rules. You are a free adult livin’ the dorm life.

It takes a few days of getting used to, but you’re finally feeling settled. You’ve even sorta mastered the cafeteria slop. This whole college thing isn’t so hard after all.

That is, until you need to do a little #2 in the public bathroom down the hall. The one every other girl on the hall also frequents to shower, wash up, dry her hair, and do her business. Girls you don’t know. Girls you want to befriend. Feeling the stage fright, you’ve been unable to go for days and, between the cafeteria salad bar (roughage!) and the frat party jungle juice, it’s been rather difficult.

But now it’s time and you have no choice but to suck it up, drop the pants, and take care of business.

The feeling hits you fast. You drop everything you are doing (read: log off of Facebook) and do a little walk/run to the bathroom. You fumble with your keys as you unlock the door, then quickly pull it closed it behind you. You listen for anyone in the shower. You can hear some water running, so you scurry into a stall before anyone can see your face. After safely securing your door, you crouch down to see if any of the other stalls are in use. Thankfully, you are alone.

You turn to the toilet and notice some splash on the seat. You bend down and get in close to determine if it is some inconsiderate squatter’s pee, or maybe a little splash back from the toilet. Regardless of what it is, you are going to have to wipe it up before you let your precious cheeks hit the seat.

You grab a giant handful of toilet paper and wad it up, creating a thick barrier between your hand and the toilet seat. Then, gagging and turning your face away from the situation, you quickly wipe the seat, toss the paper in the toilet and flush it with your foot.

Phew. Now you’re ready.

You sit down and mentally prepare for your first public poop when you hear the door open and a few girls walk in.

“OhMyGod,” you think to yourself. “I can’t go with these girls in here! What if I make loud noises? What if I make the bathroom smell? They may see me or recognize my leopard print slippers! It’s social suicide.”  You contemplate sitting silently until they leave, but it seems they are doing the same thing. Besides, after 10 days of zero bowel activity, holding out is really not an option. So you go with plan B: distraction.

You begin coughing, tapping your foot, and rolling and unrolling the toilet paper – anything to cover the sounds of what is happening in stall #3. Though it’s not the ideal sitch (and it’s nearly impossible to do your business and cough at the same time), you do manage to complete your task in a timely fashion without any embarrassing sounds or smells (well, really offensive ones, anyway), and even sneak out of the bathroom before anyone in the neighboring stalls can see your face. Success.

Yeah, we’ve all been there and it’s awkward. But if there’s anything we learned it’s that Everybody Poops, so don’t be afraid. By the end of the semester, you’ll be taking magazines, books and even your laptop in there with you and chatting with the girl next door. You may even wonder how you ever did it alone.

Surely, the planet can be saved without going to these lengths:

1.  Recycled Animal Poo Products – One company collects elephant dung, washes it, and uses it to make pretty recycled-paper stationery.  Another makes “poopourri” in the same sort of way from sheep poo.  Interesting idea, but icky.  I don’t care if it’s washed and sanitized, I don’t want my apartment smellin’ like sheep poo.  Plus, what would someone think if you sent your birthday invites on poo paper?

2.  Reusable Toilet Wipes - Exactly what it sounds like.  Basically, they are cloth wipes that you use when you go to the bathroom… and then wash and reuse.  But where do you put them before you have a chance to get home to wash them? And how do you explain to house guests that you don’t have TP, but they can feel free to wipe themselves with that little napkin next to the toilet? And how would you TP your neighbor’s house for Halloween? So many questions, not to mention the gross-out factor of washing those things with your sheets and towels.

3.  Reusable Menstrual Products - There’s the menstrual cup, washable pads, and sea-sponge tampons, all of which you can use, wash, and reuse. And all of which pose the same icky problems for me as the reusable toilet wipes.  I know that paper/cotton tampons and pads aren’t eco-friendly at all, but none of these alternatives are appealing. Unless you consider shoving a Tupperware cup in your vajay and then fishing it out to empty it every few hours appealing.

4.  Condoms - I’m skeptical, but some people claim that animal-membrane condoms, like lambskin condoms, are washable and reusable as well.  I really, really hope this isn’t true… the last thing I want to be doing after sex is running to the bathroom to wash the condom out. Actually, the last thing I want is sheep’s membrane going anywhere near my happy place.  Plus, just an FYI for you guys, lambskin condoms are safe for preventing pregnancy, not STDs.

5.  Multiple-Use Toiletries - No, I don’t mean like the Shampoo/Conditioner combos; I’m talking about products like Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Soap that claim to have “18-in-1 Uses,” ranging from shampoo and body wash, to household cleaner or even toothpaste.  Ok, maybe this stuff is alright as a body wash or something – it is organic–but anything that can wash my hair AND clean my bathroom floor definitely doesn’t belong on my teeth.  Gross.

Do you guys know of any other strange “green” products?

Oh, this toilet paper 100% recycled? Well that’s good! Yay earth! Because that is surely what I’m noticing as I’m pulling my TP out of some mystery man’s butt. (Editor’s Note: I never thought I’d see those words in a sentence on this site.)

I have no words. None.
Ok, maybe one: EW.

]]> http://collegecandy.com/2009/04/17/wtf-friday-tp-in-the-bung-hole/feed/ 3 ccandystaff wtf2 http://collegecandy.com/2009/03/07/spring-break-beach-bag-essentials/ http://collegecandy.com/2009/03/07/spring-break-beach-bag-essentials/#comments Sat, 07 Mar 2009 20:00:48 +0000 Laura - St. John's http://www.collegecandy.com/reality/16974 Spring Break is right around the corner, and I’m hoping to escape from the freezing winter temperatures on a warm, sunny beach somewhere. If you’re headed to the beach like me, make sure you bring all the essentials with you:

1. Sunglasses - With the sun reflecting off the ocean and the sand, you need dark shades to protect your eyes. Plus, you can check out the hotties playing football down by the water without looking like a total creep.…

Spring Break is right around the corner, and I’m hoping to escape from the freezing winter temperatures on a warm, sunny beach somewhere. If you’re headed to the beach like me, make sure you bring all the essentials with you:

1. Sunglasses - With the sun reflecting off the ocean and the sand, you need dark shades to protect your eyes. Plus, you can check out the hotties playing football down by the water without looking like a total creep.

2. A magazine or trashy novel – It’ll keep you entertained when you’re lounging in the sun, and it’s also a good way to look like you’re doing something else when you’re really staring at afore-mentioned hotties.

3. Sunblock – Again, seems totally obvious, but the LAST thing you want is to come back from your vacay looking like a lobster. Not to mention that you’re putting yourself in danger for skin cancer without it!

4. Beach-friendly makeup -If you can’t go out without makeup, even at the beach, know that your regular makeup routine isn’t going to hold up to the heat, sand, and water, so just keep it simple with some basics: tinted moisturizer (don’t forget the SPF!) and tinted lip balm or an all-over color stick to keep you looking fresh and naturally pretty all day (like this one from E.L.F.).

5. A cute cover-up – A tunic or minidress is perfect, because it’s small enough to fit into your bag, and you can throw on over your bathing suit if you and your friends decide to browse the beachside shops or grab some much needed margaritas.

6. Antibacterial Wipes – There is nothing worse than rubbing the sand out of your eyes only to realize you rubbed the SPF right into them.  Eliminate the burn by wiping off those hands after you slather on the sunscreen.

7. Tissues/T.P. – Laugh at me if you will, but who knows that those public restrooms have in store for you. Do you want to drip dry in a bikini? I think not.

8. Ziploc baggies – For everything from your wet swimsuit to protecting your precious iPhone from the sand.

9. A flask - What? It’s spring break!

10. Snacks – Whatever is in that flask is bound to give you the munchies. Besides, beach-side restaurants and shops charge a boatload of money for a bag of chips, so bring your own. If you don’t end up eating them, someone will, making you the most popular lady on the beach.

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So, let’s bring it all out in the open. Right here. Because you are not alone - we’ve all been there before.]

The Phone in the Toilet:

You put on your cutest (and tightest) jeans for the partayyy. When you arrive at the house, you drop your jacket in your friend’s room, take a few shots and head out to the living room to mingle. Your best friend is coming late/the boy you want always texts you late-night, so you keep your phone on vibrate in your back pocket so you can feel it when it rings.

You take more shots. And more. And drink a lot of beer. You laugh, you party, you begin to feel really drunk.

And, OMG, you have to pee so badly.

You head upstairs to use the bathroom; it’s gotta be cleaner than the one on the main floor, not to mention the line is probably shorter. Ugh – it’s not. You pull your phone out of your pocket in hopes that your boy-toy has sent you a “where you at?” text message, then shove the phone back into your pocket when the door opens and two people (looking particularly happy) walk out.

You run into the bathroom, lock the door, and stumble as you attempt to pull your jeans down. Just before you get them below your knees you hear a plunk and, HolySh*tNoEffingWayOhMyGodOhMyGod, your phone is in the toilet.

You spin around and see your brand new Blackberry sinking to the bottom of the bowl. On the one hand you are happy – the bowl was empty. On the other, however, your brand new freaking Blackberry is in the toilet. And you won’t be able to get any texts from the boy!

You start to freak out. Then you realize you are standing there with your pants around your ankles, your phone in the toilet and your bladder full of beer. What do you do first? Pull up your pants? Grab the phone?

“Focus,” you tell yourself. You pull up your pants and reach into the toilet to grab your phone. Unsure what to do, you grab a giant wad of toilet paper and begin blotting the phone. You try to turn it on; it makes a really weird noise.

You continue to freak out.

At this point the line for the bathroom has gotten longer and the line dwellers angrily knock on the door. You grab some more TP, try to compose yourself and decide to find someone who can help (which is difficult since you can’t call anyone).

It isn’t until after you leave the bathroom and the next person runs in that you realize you still really have to pee.

If you are lucky, your phone is not completely screwed. If you are completely screwed, just imagine trying to explain it to your parents when you ask them for a new one.