Clearly, Britney is still messed up in the head.

The truth about high school.

What’s gonna happen to Jon and Kate Plus 8?

We love party dresses!

Stay out of debt, people.

Wait. There’s a Scientology clothing line!?

Katie Holmes will dance (if Tom lets her out of the house…)

Bikini waxes cause more than a little pain.

Amy Winehouse’s parents are (obviously) worried.

This gives new meaning to party in the back…

Uh, Weird Al is back? And he’s still funny!

The Hills causes eating disorders.

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Celebrity couples are hideous beasts born of the 24-hour news and gossip cycles and there are none more powerful than Brangelina and TomKat.  But which one is worse?  Which one makes you want to throw your TV out the window, turn off your computer, and hide your iPhone just so you never have to hear what ridiculous name they’re giving to their 17th adopted baby?  Such a difficult decision, but we can work through it.

Tabloids
Brangelina are regular fixtures in the tabloids, claiming spots from week to week concerning issues like who’s cheating on who, where they’re adopting their next baby from, and how much Angelina Jolie isn’t eating.

TomKat has had their fair share of face time on the cover of the tabloids, but it’s only due to Tom Cruise’s occasional crazy antics (couch hopping and weird religions, much?) and the public’s strange fascination with Suri Cruise.

Point: Brangelina.  If I never see them on the cover of anything again, then I’ll…well, that’ll never happen, so I don’t have to worry about what I’ll do.

Kids
Brangelina loves making babies.  They also love buying babies from foreign countries.  They just love babies.  We get it, you’re good looking, you’re successful, and you can have a healthy (well…) family life.  Yeah, well…bite it.

TomKat has Suri and it’s ridiculous how much gossip there is about that child.  Ballet lessons, expensive designer outfits, new haircuts, etc.  Her parents already passed on a healthy dose of crazy, so all this media attention is probably helping create some sort of future monster person.  Can’t wait.

Point: TomKat.  Even with one baby, they’re more annoying than Brangelina.

The Ex-Factor
Brangelina has a veritable black book full of celebrity exes that they’ve pissed off or left in a pit of depression.  Also, a very large number of Angelina Jolie’s ex-boyfriends (or husbands) are certifiably crazy.  I mean, just look at Billy Bob Thornton.

TomKat has quite a star-studded list of ex-lovers themselves (mostly from the Tom part of that equation).  Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Cher (yeah, they dated for a hot second), Mimi Rogers…and none of them are that crazy.  In fact, they make Tom Cruise seem less crazy since they deigned to date him at one point.

Point: Brangelina.  There’s too much crazy there to ignore.

Fans
Brangelina has a GINORMOUS fanbase.  There are the fans that love Angelina Jolie (mostly men…and teenage boys), the fans that love Brad Pitt (mostly women…and gay men), and the ones that love them together.  The movies they make are powerhouses and we’re all (apparently) addicted to their every move.

TomKat seem to be riding on their fans from days-gone-by…neither of them have made any movies of note lately (Anyone see Valkyrie? Anyone?) and they haven’t been helping their case by acting all crazy and whatnot.  Considering the success of all of Tom’s exes, Katie should bail and win an Oscar or something.

Point: TomKat.  I mean, at least Brangelina actually still have fans, instead of just thinking they do.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: TomKat.  Gotta give it up to TomKat, even though I’m incredibly annoyed by the crap I have to read every day about Brangelina. The tie-breaker was Tom Cruise’s whole Scientology thing.  I mean, seriously…he is clinically insane.

It seems that every celebrity tries their hand at the retail business. Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Beyonce, and more, put out random clothing lines and perfumes every month.

Instead of trusting the business intuition of people who made it big on their ability to look pretty and stand on cue (really – who needs another celebrity perfume??), we decided to make our own list of celebrity products that are more appropriate to the celebrities themselves:

Angelina Jolie Fertility Drugs – When one (or two, or eight) just isn’t enough…

Amy Winhouse Coke Mirrors – Because no one knows lines like Amy.

Britney Spears Electric Razors – Nothing but the best will do to shave your head.

Michael Jackson Boys Underwear – Choosy mothers choose MJ’s (backless) Boys Underwear.

Tom Cruise Couches – Now with sturdier construction and more durable fabric for those days when you just feel like jumping around!

Zac Efron Hair Extensions – The sexy side-swept look will drive the ladies wild!

Kanye West Earplugs – Because people say a lot of stupid sh*t.

Heidi Montag Relationship Guides – Now you, too, can find the only person on earth who finds you attractive.

Madonna ‘roids - When you need that ripped, sinewy look for a special night out…

Ashlee Simpson Lipsyncing Machines – It’s almost like real singing!

Chris Brown Boxing Gloves – Nothing protects your hands better while you’re punching…stuff.

Lily Allen Double-Sided Tape – For those rare occasions when showing your nips isn’t appropriate.

Paris Hilton Body Condoms: Protecting you from skin to skin contact since 2009.

We can only hope that these products (well, maybe not all of them) see the glorious light of day in a display window someday soon.  We’ll get our checkbooks ready, just in case.

Pink admits she’s bisexual.

Nicole Kidman on her marriage arrangement with Tom Cruise.

Thoughts on holey jeans?

Amy Winehouse hospitalized. And not from drugs.

Michael Phelps looks like….

Save money on that computer.

I remember the day I discovered my first girl crush: I must have been 8 or 9 years old, and I had just embarked on a rite of passage that would help to define my teeny-bopping years. I had been to my first Spice Girls concert, and in addition to falling in love with the classics like “Wannabe” and “Say You’ll Be There,” I fell in love with Victoria Adams. Yes, Adams; she was not yet Mrs. Beckham and still had some meat on her bones. These days she won’t even eat a cookie.

I continued to hone in on my celebrity girl crushes, admiring them from afar; I went through a Britney Spears phase (who didn’t?), fell in love with a random contestant on MTV’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge, declared my love for Jessica Alba, Sloan from Entourage, Kristin Cavalleri from Laguna Beach, Charlize Theron, and the entire female cast of Gossip Girl, and obsessed over Giada de Laurentiis from The Food Network. Anyone that can whip up eggplant parmigiana and chocolate hazelnut brownies five days a week and still wear a size two is totally hot in my book.

The one girl (or woman, I should say) that continually I refused to crush on was Penelope Cruz. Maybe it’s because my first serious boyfriend was in love with her and I was jealous, or maybe it’s because she speaks English with a sexy Spanish accent that I have always coveted. Either way, I always argued with people who insisted that she was the hottest celebrity. That is, until I had a revelation just a couple of weeks ago.

It was a cold and rainy night in Madrid, and my friend and I were feeling homesick and lamenting the lack of all things American and the overabundance of Spanish ham. We decided to see what movies were playing in English, and decided on Woody Allen’s, Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It seemed appropriate, given that we were in Spain and both headed to the Mediterranean city when our parents came to visit. We took our seats and immediately fell into a trance as we admired the beautiful landscape and remembered why Europe was so cool.

And then Penelope walked into the picture.

Ms. Cruz plays the totally insane, utterly pathological, and unbelievable sexy Maria Elena in this story about love, sex, and the difficulties we face on the road to personal discovery. Constantly chain-smoking (and drawing attention to her perfect lips, perfect jaw, perfect everything…), Penelope dons flowy white dresses and tousled hair throughout the entire film as she rants, raves, and argues passionately with Bardem (aka Jose Antonió), who isn’t bad himself.

Perhaps the most exciting moment for a girl crush connoisseur, however, is scene in which Cruz and co-star Scarlett Johansson lock lips in a sensual darkroom make out session. (Bardem proceeds to join them amongst rows of developing photos soon afterwards, making for a totally hot three-way.)

And as amazing as her physical attributes are, we should not forget that Cruz, a native of Madrid, Spain (another reason why I should be crushing on her right now – I am studying abroad here as we…type) is a highly acclaimed actress.

In 2008, she received an Oscar nomination for her role in Allen´s film (making her the only Spanish nominee of the year), and her performances in films like Vanilla Sky, Blow and Volver have helped her earn major props as one of the decade´s biggest talents. She speaks four languages (Spanish, Italian, French and English), and dated Matthew McConaughey (!!) for over a year until she moved onto VCB´s Bardem… a good move in my opinion.

In 2007, she announced that she was planning to design a Barcelona-based clothing line with her sister and was quoted as saying she would like to adopt. Actress, business woman, and family woman; how can you not love her?

The only thing about Penelope that I’m not lovin’ is her three-year stint with scientologist and crazy couch-hopper, Tom Cruise, but I suppose we all make mistakes. Who doesn’t have a weird and creepy skeleton (or 3)  in the closet?

Cruz is next set to star in the film version of the American musical Nine (hitting theaters in November 2009) alongside female powerhouses Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Kate Hudson, and Sophia Loren. And even those gorgeous women can’t overshadow my crush, Penelop Cruz.

We love celebrities. We also love to hate celebrities. And then there are celebrities that we just need to get rid of. I had a rather long list including Flava Flav, Brett Michaels, K-Fed, Clay Aiken, etc. However, I narrowed it down to the five celebrities that I just don’t want to hear any more about this year.

I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

Little Grey expecting a baby (in real life).

A member of the lingerie football league is suing over nude photos? Irony?

A bra you can drink booze out of? Sign us up!

Just how fake is The City?

Tom Cruise wants 10 kids. Oy.

What happened to Jennifer Seitz?

Even Chuck Bass gets nervous around David Beckham.

Fix your skin after a night (or year) of heavy drinking.

Fashion mishaps that best be staying in 2008.

Lucky Style Spotter is giving away 4 TAG Heuer watches! Show them your style – sporty stylist, uptown classic, downtown chic or funky fashionista – and you could win one!

Did Tom Cruise really give relationship advice to Spencer Pratt?!

Bottle opener ring: fashion meets function.

Get the perfect cat eye.

Lohan should really invest in a new pair of pants.

Have you ever blacked out?

Looks like I can’t be a Britney backup dancer….

Cutest gift idea for the girls who have everything.

Is O’Malley leaving Grey’s?

Great tips for cheap grocery runs.

Barbara Walters debuted her Top 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008 last night and I’ve got to be honest…some of her choices left us thinking “What. The. Eff?” Clearly the list was a marketing ploy, but this year’s list was uber transparent.

So we thought we’d whip up a little list of our own absurdly fascinating people. Enjoy!

Barbara chose:

Will Smith – He’s got that new movie coming out, Seven Pounds, and he…um, yea.

Flava Flav – What’s he been up to lately? Something fascinating, I’m sure.

Barbara chose:

Michael Phelps – Buttaface Michael Phelps. So, he won a bajillion gold medals. Whatever!

CollegeCandy chose:

Plaxico Burress - Homeboy shot himself. That takes the cake in fascination!

Barbara chose:

Miley Cyrus – She’s 16. Her career will be over before she’s even legal…(actually that in itself is pretty fascinating).

CollegeCandy chose:

Random little girl who wants to be Miley – She’s a better dancer than Hannah Montana herself! Work it, girl!

Barbara chose:

Tina Fey – Her impersanation of Barbara’s #3 will go down in history and we totally love her around here, but we still think Babs could have done better.

CollegeCandy chose:

Paris Hilton – It’s fascinating this girl’s even famous and even more fascinating girls are battling it out to be her BFF.

Barbara chose:

Rush Limbaugh – He just talks, and talks… and talks.

CollegeCandy chose:

OJ Simpson – Cuz he finally got sentenced today. A minimum of 15 years? Yikes!

Barbara chose:

Thomas Beatie - The she turned he is pregnant with his second child!

CollegeCandy chose:

Thomas Beatie – That’s legitimately fascinating. And kinda weird, no?

Barbara chose:

Frank Langella – No clue who this guy is, but I guess he’s playing Nixon in some movie.

CollegeCandy chose:

Bronx Mowgli Wentz – His name alone makes him more interesting than what’s his face above.

Barbara chose:

Sarah Palin – She was fascinating alright; her accent was something else.

CollegeCandy chose:

Heidi Montag – Queen of worst life decisions, she actually married that pr*ck. Let us pray…

Barbara chose:

Tom Cruise - He jumps on couches, turned his wife into a robot, and plays a guy who wants to kill Hitler. The most fascinating thing about him is how he managed to producs such an adorable child.

CollegeCandy chose:

Blake Fielder-Civil – Who you ask? Amy Winehouse’s crackhead hubby, who turned this talented star into a total drug addict. Oh, those two!

Barbara chose:

Barack Obama - The United States’ first African-American president! Outstanding!

CollegeCandy chose:

Barack Obama- Again, we had to agree with Babs. President-elect Obama is pretty damn fascinating.