Okay, so I don’t know if you ladies have heard the news, but apparently Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are actually dating, which really just makes my skin crawl. I mean the girl is legitimately half his age. It’s weird and it’s creepy. And since I am forever grateful that Scarlett let go of Ryan Reynolds so we could some day find each other and be together, I felt it my duty to at least point that out.

But in the process, their creepy crawly relationship got me thinking about all of the other creepy celebrity couples I’ve encountered over the years. And, well, there were actually quite a few of them. Ugh, my stomach is churning.

These days in Hollywood, the children of celebrities are often overlooked. They’re more like the perfect accessory to an already awesome outfit than actual people. They’re like that great new designer everyone is wearing, but one that won’t ever go out of style. So we forget sometimes that these kids are actual people with actual lives. And the celebrities we fawn over are actually their parents. Like, their real parents. Just like ours…

Or not.

And well, we can’t help but think that for some of them, that must really, really suck. But for others, they’re living the life we dream about as we lay in bed late at night (after our Jake Gyllenhaal/Mark Salling threesome fantasy ends). So we did some research, some analyzing, figured out the networth pros and cons of each of these celebrity parents and so we propose to you the celebrities we’d love to have play parent to us…and those we wouldn’t even want as distant relatives.

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Celebrity couples are hideous beasts born of the 24-hour news and gossip cycles and there are none more powerful than Brangelina and TomKat.  But which one is worse?  Which one makes you want to throw your TV out the window, turn off your computer, and hide your iPhone just so you never have to hear what ridiculous name they’re giving to their 17th adopted baby?  Such a difficult decision, but we can work through it.

Tabloids
Brangelina are regular fixtures in the tabloids, claiming spots from week to week concerning issues like who’s cheating on who, where they’re adopting their next baby from, and how much Angelina Jolie isn’t eating.

TomKat has had their fair share of face time on the cover of the tabloids, but it’s only due to Tom Cruise’s occasional crazy antics (couch hopping and weird religions, much?) and the public’s strange fascination with Suri Cruise.

Point: Brangelina.  If I never see them on the cover of anything again, then I’ll…well, that’ll never happen, so I don’t have to worry about what I’ll do.

Kids
Brangelina loves making babies.  They also love buying babies from foreign countries.  They just love babies.  We get it, you’re good looking, you’re successful, and you can have a healthy (well…) family life.  Yeah, well…bite it.

TomKat has Suri and it’s ridiculous how much gossip there is about that child.  Ballet lessons, expensive designer outfits, new haircuts, etc.  Her parents already passed on a healthy dose of crazy, so all this media attention is probably helping create some sort of future monster person.  Can’t wait.

Point: TomKat.  Even with one baby, they’re more annoying than Brangelina.

The Ex-Factor
Brangelina has a veritable black book full of celebrity exes that they’ve pissed off or left in a pit of depression.  Also, a very large number of Angelina Jolie’s ex-boyfriends (or husbands) are certifiably crazy.  I mean, just look at Billy Bob Thornton.

TomKat has quite a star-studded list of ex-lovers themselves (mostly from the Tom part of that equation).  Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Cher (yeah, they dated for a hot second), Mimi Rogers…and none of them are that crazy.  In fact, they make Tom Cruise seem less crazy since they deigned to date him at one point.

Point: Brangelina.  There’s too much crazy there to ignore.

Fans
Brangelina has a GINORMOUS fanbase.  There are the fans that love Angelina Jolie (mostly men…and teenage boys), the fans that love Brad Pitt (mostly women…and gay men), and the ones that love them together.  The movies they make are powerhouses and we’re all (apparently) addicted to their every move.

TomKat seem to be riding on their fans from days-gone-by…neither of them have made any movies of note lately (Anyone see Valkyrie? Anyone?) and they haven’t been helping their case by acting all crazy and whatnot.  Considering the success of all of Tom’s exes, Katie should bail and win an Oscar or something.

Point: TomKat.  I mean, at least Brangelina actually still have fans, instead of just thinking they do.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: TomKat.  Gotta give it up to TomKat, even though I’m incredibly annoyed by the crap I have to read every day about Brangelina. The tie-breaker was Tom Cruise’s whole Scientology thing.  I mean, seriously…he is clinically insane.

Dianne Wiest. John Lithgow. Arthur Miller. Broadway. Katie Holmes.

Figure it out yet? Of course you have, because Katie Holmes on Broadway seems to fit as much as Katie Holmes accepting an Oscar, which is to say that it absolutely doesn’t fit. (And because there is a big picture of Katie Holmes at the top of this post)

But fit it must as Katie Holmes is in talks to make her Broadway debut in the Arthur Miller classic All My Sons alongside acting pros Dianne Wiest and John Lithgow. The Daily Mail also points out that not only is it Katie’s first turn on Broadway, but also her first play since high school.

I’m willing to eat my hat if Katie can pull this one out, but I honestly can’t see how this will end well. Not only will she be overwhelmed by the material (All My Sons isn’t exactly Mad Money) but she will be acted into a corner by Wiest and Lithgow.

That being said, as pessimistic as I am about the project, I do find myself rooting for her just a little. When she was on Dawson’s Creek, I just remember being generally annoyed not so much by Katie Holmes’ acting, but by her character in general. And she did alright in The Gift, if I can remember correctly (and girlfriend took it off. Gotta give her her props for that.) It’s just that Katie Holmes isn’t an actress anymore, not really. She’s become a caricature, or, more nicely, a personality, because of this whole Tomkat nonsense.

If she is thinking of this as a boost to her career, well, her career sure needs one of those. I guess it couldn’t hurt.