Sure, we all have nights where we drink a little bit too much and slur our words a little bit too much and throw up a little bit too much. But we’re young and we learn from our lessons. You only have to wake up in fetal positions on the bathroom floor so many times to realize that cotton candy vodka might not be the smartest drink choice.
However not everyone learns these lessons that easily. In fact, some people have to go through hell to learn these lessons.
Take these photos for example…
Look, we all know that drunken stupidity is a problem on college campuses. And we all know that Universities are at risk of being held responsible if something were to go horribly wrong. So it makes sense that schools are constantly coming up with new ways to combat the binge drinking. Except some of their ideas are less than stellar.
The latest “brilliant” plan?
“Student carers,” AKA, sober monitors at The University of Cambridge. Basically, the university will be paying students over $100 a night to babysit a drunk student. You know, kind of like how your friends usually take care of you. Except you don’t get fined for being drunk (unless you consider waking up to find some horribly embarrassing drunk texts to be a fine), or have a stranger holding back your hair and judging you while you puke up the fried Oreos you ate because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It sounds absurd because it is absurd. Read More »
There are two types of drinkers: The kind that can handle their liquor, and the kind that can’t. The kind of drunk who is the life of the party, and the kind the party wants to punch in the face.
What kind of person are you?
Annoying drunk people…
Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.
Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” before they reach for a bottle of Bud Lite/Jager/Windex/anything, to prove that they can handle even more.
Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of intoxication, or how sober you think you are.
Annoying drunk people…
Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.
Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.
New Year’s Eve…you either love it or hate it. True, it doesn’t usually live up to expectation, there’s never been a year that everyone makes it to midnight, and you don’t always have someone to kiss. But there is champagne…God, is there champagne. But despite all the inherit glitz and glam that comes with ringing in January 1st, there are still those few annoying people who manage to ruin your night…
The Host/Hostess
It’s inevitable. No matter how laid back you think this person is, when they’ve got hoards of drunk people over at their house they’re bound to get a little anal. Don’t aim the champagne cork at the windows. Please use a coaster. Don’t spill beer on the carpet. No random hookups in the bedrooms. The dog really shouldn’t be drinking out of wine glasses. Ugh!
They’re slurring. They’re stumbling. They’re trying to make out with your boyfriend. And in about five minutes their face is about to meet your fist.
The Upper
This person LOVES New Year’s Eve. Wanna hear her resolutions? Because she’s about to give you a twenty-minute lecture about how this past year she lost 50 lbs and is going for an additional 15 by May. Do you care? You effing better. This is the best party of her life! Have you ever seen so much hope in one room!? OMG the countdown is about to start! Shhhh…SHHHH!!!
[Everyone’s got a morning after story (some of which are way more mortifying than others) and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]
The last day of my freshman year of college was a blur. Went to class, took a final (passed?), signed up to donate money to the ASPCA, then went to work. But the last night of freshman year is crystal clear.
I arrived back to the dorms at about midnight, with one thing on my mind: sleep. I know, I know. I’m pretty wild. En route to my room, however, I was accosted by a drunken friend, inviting me in for a drink (or two, or three). There were about six of us in the tiny room, and before we knew it things got pretty out of hand. Attempting to avoid getting written up for noise violations, we left the dorms and went to a party at some campus apartments nearby.
And then things got even more out of hand. No one knew whose alcohol they were drinking, or whose lap they were sitting on. People were crawling back and forth through the windows to go out and smoke or yell at strangers. Before I knew it, I was down about three shots too many and fairly drunk (sh*tfaced, actually).
So you’re going to be a freshman. Thanks to your advisor/mom/campus tour/Bed Bath and Beyond advertisements, you think you’re ready. You learned how to do laundry, you’ve purchased the Twin XL sheets, you measured your future dorm room (and cried when you realized you could touch all 4 walls from the middle of the room) and all those A.P. classes have prepared you for the workload that comes in college.
Congrats. You now know about 10% of what you need to know to survive freshman year.
The truth is, there is a lot that happens your first year of college that no advisor (and especially not your parental units) is going to know about. And that’s why we’re here – to get you from Welcome Week through final exams in one glorious piece. And to try and stop you from making the same mistakes we did. Again and again.
You wanna survive your first year of college? Avoid any and all of these freshman year faux pas: Read More »
Everyone in college can recall their “worst night” (the night they end up passed out in a pile of woodchips, or walking home at 8AM with a banana costume on), but unfortunately for us, all four of my roommates had ours on the same night.
It was a brisk fall evening, my roommates and I were fully stocked on booze, and there was a very lovely and crowded double kegger down the street. We didn’t even need to get a taxi to get there! This night was looking good. Only, in reality, the night was a recipe for pure destruction: two of us were recently single, and the other two were well-seasoned single ladies who’d had a long week of studying. Excited, we each pounded five drinks before even leaving the house.
Upon arriving, we already thought we were the best dancers in the universe and we were feeling pretty good about the previously (now about seven) consumed drinks. The party was full of cute college boys and girls we knew, the music was loud and, 99% of the time, we were raising the roof and having the “epic night” we had planned for. The drinking ensued.
Here come the bad decisions!
As 2009 was coming to a close I vowed that I’d make some big changes for the year to come, namely to act like the adult that I am and not like the rockstar college girl I once was. I told myself I’d drink more responsibly, that I didn’t need to get drunk to have fun, and that I might finally be at the age when dancing on stages is no longer socially acceptable.
And then I found myself making out with my really close guy friend a mere 45 minutes into the new year.
(Well, there’s always next year I guess!)
After we both came to our senses and realized what was going on (aided by another friend walking in, laughing, and taking pictures) we went our separate ways. And by “separate ways,” I mean “to get more booze.” Word spread that we had gotten a little gropey on his bed and my girlfriends started accosting me. “I’m drunk!” I explained. “It’s not a big deal.”
And they totally understood.
The truth is, we all do dumb things when we’re drinking. It’s part of what makes drinking so much fun! No? Just me? Well, at least the dumb things we do are more understandable. Just ask Jamie Fox. So instead of hiding that ish and pretending you can’t remember it (we’re onto you) why not share it with your friends here at CollegeCandy? Below, the CC writers share their fondest (if not haziest) dumb-drunk moments. Share your own (you know you’ve got plenty!) in the comments section below. Read More »
You start off with a few rum and Diets at home before heading to the house party. You couldn’t possibly walk in sober and who knows how much access you’ll have to booze once you get inside? You’re sipping on your last pre-drink when your friends are finally ready to go, so you chug it and follow them out.
Upon arriving, you say your hellos and shove your way through the crowd to the keg parked in the backyard. You fill your blue Solo cup (“What? They make these things in blue!?”) then meet back up with your friends. You sip, you chat, then you wave your hand violently in the air when the party host asks who’s up for a game of flip cup.
You take your spot at the table, strategically placing yourself next to the very cute boy who lives there. You do a few practice flips, wet the table in front of you a bit for more cup traction and get ready for the game to start.
Seven rounds later, your team is victorious, you and your boy-toy are hugging it out and you’re feeling less than steady. Ok, so you’re drunk, but it’s good drunk. Perfect drunk. The kind that will easily take you through the rest of the night but still leave you feeling a-OK in the morning.
As you begin to walk away from the table to find your friends, the cute boy grabs you.
“Wanna take a shot?” He asks.
“Obvi,” you answer, smitten. Read More »
Dearest Sloptart,
As much as I would love to silently judge your drunken mistakes, I can’t help but laugh it off, talk about you to my friends and hope that I just caught you after you had a horrible week (which is slightly understandable, right?) However, in most cases, I caught you in your element, flashing the party your new bedazzled thong while sloppily trying to climb up on the beer pong table to dance. Ohh, here we go…
There are a few ways that you can tell you’re “that mess” the entire party is talking about (but you can’t hear because you’re busy screaming the lyrics of “If You Seek Amy”). Read More »
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