Being an adult requires that you stop doing certain practices from your childhood. College requires you to be dependent, so waiting half a semester to bring your laundry home for your mom to wash isn’t going to cut it. The silver lining is we can now vote and (look old enough to) buy alcohol, but it still sucks that we’re too grown up for our moms to make our ponytails, we’re too old to order off the vastly less expensive kid’s menu, and we have too much homework for 9 o’clock to be our bedtime. However, there are the childish habits that we stopped doing sometime during puberty that we shouldn’t have discontinued. We’re not girls, but we’re not yet women, so go crazy with the nail art before you’re really a grown up. Read More »

Scarred. For. Life.

Our mothers may not always have the soundest judgment in situations regarding appropriate behavior, like when they think chain e-mail  jokes are actually funny and they think flipping through family photo albums with your friends is an enjoyable activity for all.

Note: they’re not.
Seriously.

Poor Lourdes must have a much longer list of Momma Madonna’s to-do taboos, one that must surely include posing for Dolce & Gabbana with her fifty-two year-old cleavage as the focal point.

Look Madge: the world knows you’re a celebrity mom with a young boyfriend and a fantastically fit body, but we really do not need to see it on large-scale prints in department stores and giant billboards in Times Square! Madonna/Madge/Esther/MILF-used-to-be, you are no longer a Material Girl who is Like A Virgin, so please stop pretending. If not for me and my night tremors then, please, do it for Lourdes! Break that contract if D&G won’t provide you with a sweater on set, and give the Photoshop guy (who’s clearly been working overtime) a break!

It’s not like you need the money, Margie. And isn’t the mental health of your daughter worth more than a pile of hundos anyway? Read More »

Nothing is worse than signing onto Facebook, getting excited you have a friend request, and then seeing its your fourth-grade-brownie-troop-leader who is not only miraculously still alive but also alert enough to sign up for a Facebook account.

It’s not that I don’t want to see what my wonderful leader is up to, it’s more like I don’t think I need to see it through Facebook. I would love to visit her at her nursing home and hear all about her there.

And even though everyone is allowed to have a Facebook nowadays doesn’t mean they should have them. I’m allowed to buy Depends, but it doesn’t mean that I am going to start wearing them. I work very hard at participating in age appropriate things and I wish everyone else would follow my lead.

No matter who the over-aged friender is, I’ve learned they all share three traits in common.

1. Over-usage of applications

Immediately after accepting their friend request (and putting them on the most limited profile possible) they start throwing vampires, sending goblins, and flinging hug requests. I’m forced to spend more time blocking applications than stalking people’s wall-to-walls. And it seems that for every application I block, five more spring up in its place. Yesterday I blocked the hug-me application request and today I woke up with 14 new requests from the hugger application, huggiest application, huggable application, and hug thrower application. I don’t even know what hug-throwing could possibly mean but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in at least 34 states. Read More »