All silliness aside, it’s an understandable accusation. Anyone who’s watched a Kardashian marathon knows what it can do to the soul.

Kill it.

And that got me thinking – first about why this family has not one but two shows in the first place, and then about the idea of using really bad TV as a form of punishment. Because with all that dribble we’ve got going on these days, there is no better way to make a wrong-doer suffer.

19 Kids and Counting: It’s like the Brady Bunch on steroids without the fun parts (hard to imagine). 19, 20, 97 Kids and Counting… it’s enough to make anybody celibate for 25 to life.

Shaq VS: Having to watch the self proclaimed Shaqtastic, Shaqtacular Jolly Culturally Irrelevant Giant attempt to beat sports pros – and lose – would be torture. It’s just flat out ridiculous. He couldn’t even beat Justin Bieber (I wish I was joking).

Deal or No Deal: You think you’re not interested. Then all of a sudden you are sweating under the arms and screaming at the contestant “no deal! No deal!” while Howie Mandal smirks off in the corner. All to have it end with a briefcase full of 1 cent. It’s enough to make anyone go crazy.

Bridezillas: It’s bad enough that someone has to marry these crazy bitches. It’s TV’s version of water boarding for the unlucky people who have to watch it.

Lopez Tonight: George Lopez wouldn’t know late night entertainment if it hit him in the head, and that’s a big target. An hour of loud, incoherent jokes and high pitched one-liners. Save it for Mencia, George.

Secret Life of the American Teenager:  Religion and sex brought to you by ABC Family. This batch of ungrateful teenagers would make anybody nuts, as they argue about Jesus and babies and baby Jesus.

Jerseylicious: More like Jerseytrocious.

Rachel Ray Show: It’s like one overdrawn episode of MADE: Oprah. Rachel Ray just can’t get enough of the sound of her own annoying voice. One day of sammy’s and EVOO and inmates will be begging for solitary confinement.

Tool Academy: Watching intolerable douche bags who are encouraged to show their incredible amounts of douchebaggery should rehabilitate even the hardest of criminals in under an hour.

The Sarah Silverman Program: Remember that time Sarah Silverman did a bit at the VMAs three years ago? Yeah, me neither. Because she’s a comedic disaster who makes the audience feel not only uncomfortable, but awkward.

Clean House: You want this to clean your house? Yes, she is as crazy as she looks. Now all you need to add to make someone repent for their sins is the token gay design guy, southern belle house maid, and decently attractive carpenter. Check, check aaaand check.

The O’Reilly Factor: This should just be deemed cruel and unusual.

Wasilla, Alaska won’t be seeing any casting call flyers hanging around Main St. any time soon.  The faux-engagement of town darlings (or terrors), Bristol and Levi, failed to get them a reality show, so the two have called it off…for now.  While they may not be worthy stars in their own right (contrary to what Levi might think), I think if Bristi (Levstol? Brevi?  What was their nickname, anyway?) were open to appearing on an already existing show, they might have a shot at stardom.

Picture this:

Judge Judy
Who gets to keep the engagement ring?  What are the terms of visitation rights with Tripp?  These are issues that need to be hammered out, preferably on camera!  Divorce Court could make an exception for these almost-divorcees, but I think we need to call in the biggest, baddest judge of them all: Judy.  Talk about someone who wouldn’t take any crap.

Teen Mom
Bristol would be excellent on season three, no?  Levi could make infrequent cameos when he wasn’t posing again for Playboy, but the spotlight would be on Mama B and her baby Tripp.  We would follow them around Alaska as she taught her son the ways of the forest and shopped for toddler Benadryl at the local Target.  You know she slips him a dropper-full every so often under the pretense that he’s “a little fussy, must be teething.”  Hey, whatever gets that kid to sleep at night (which has to be hard considering who is parents are).

VH1’s Tool Academy
Levi totally wants to be the best dad he can be…so long as his recovery from douchey-ness is fully publicized and is followed by exclusive photo shoots and million-dollar interviews.  Could host Jordan Murphy help whip Levi into father of the year?  Tune in and find out.

Or maybe Bristol and Levi could have success going it alone…

Alaska Shore: I Can See Russia From My House
You know you’d watch this.  It wouldn’t be hard to find the most moose-ed out, plaid wearing, gun toting folks in town to star in a Wasilla-centric reality show.  I, for one, am dying to find out about the culture that spit out the glorious couple that is (was) Bristol and Levi.  How important are snowmobiles to their daily life?  Do they ride them to the bar?  Can you get a ticket for drunk snowmobiling?  Is it commonplace to bring babies to the bar?  (I ask because I feel Tripp would be adorable sitting on the bar top opening beer bottles with his chubby little hands.)

It’s such an untapped market, these people of the far-north.  Levi’s druggie mom would obvi have to be on the show.  And First Dude, Todd.  Sarah’s American flag bikini would make an appearance regularly.  Throw in some local drunks and a few moose and this thing would be the white trash version of an Abercrombie photo shoot.

I know more about these women than I do about our forefathers.

Every Friday I head home from work, tear off my bra, put on my biggest pair of sweatpants, order in Pad Se Ew and settle in for a night of TV. Lame? Maybe. But get back to me after you’re working 60-hour weeks in the real world. Friday nights on the couch are sacred.

Last week, as I fired up the DVR to catch up on all the shows I’d missed from the week, I had a rather enlightening moment. Sorta like an Oprah “aha!” moment, only way more embarrassing. My entire DVR was taken up by reality shows. Top Chef, Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Ace of Cakes… Hell, I even had a little Real World/Road Rules Duel on there.

I looked around to make sure none of my neighbors could see my TV through the windows. I mean, I know I like me some crappy TV, but this was just mortifying. My entire life revolves around watching train wrecks on camera! But maybe it’s not that sad? I mean, everyone loves themselves a little trash now and then, right? Those shows are on for a reason. And some of them are actually really good! Maybe not anything on E!, but we can all learn a thing or two from The Biggest Loser, right?

Right?!?

To make myself feel better about my addiction (and my sad, lame life) I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their reality TV faves this week. You know you got one, too. Share it in the comments!

Norah – Drake University: I’m obsessed with cake shows. I can’t deal with the drama of other reality shows, but I like to watch people make pretty cakes that look impossible to eat.

Brithny – Duke: So You Think You Can Dance, because of the amazing… dancing. Obvi.

Kim – Stanford: Life would be a little less complete without SAY YES TO THE DRESS on TLC. Who doesn’t love weddddings?!

Lauren H – The New School: Top Chef! I’m a big food nerd, so I watch a lot of the food-based contest shows, but Top Chef is by far the best. The only downside is I’m always hungry after!

Caitlin – University of Alabama: I love E!’s reality shows like Girls Next Door, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.  UGH but those Lamas…that’s 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back!

Charlsie – Hollins University: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is my favorite reality show because when Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney get into fights they refer to each other as “stupid bitch ass whores.” If it wasn’t for this show, my sister and I would have boring arguments. The Kardashians keep us fresh with insults and put-downs!

Laura – St. John’s: Rock of Love.  I never tire of the varying extremes of trampy-ness these girls will go through to prove their love to Bret Michaels. (Really? Bret Michaels is the best you can do?)

Ricki – University of Michigan: The Bachelor/Bachelorette – It’s impossible to not believe in true love when every date they have is jet skiing in Hawaii or being alone on a deserted island.

Thu – USC: The City, if it is even considered “reality.” You kind of live a fabulous life vicariously through the people.

Leah – Ryerson University: What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style because everyone should feel fabulous about the way they look.

Anna R. – Northeastern University: My favorite reality show is The City. I didn’t watch the first season, but now I’m obsessed with it. It’s SO much better than The Hills (which is really lame and pointless now), and the girls’ jobs are actually interesting to watch. Plus, I love seeing what they are all wearing!

Kiki – University of Missouri: I spent at least nine hours of my life this summer watching 16 and Pregnant marathons on MTV. It’s like True Life mixed with Maury mixed with the best damn abstinence education ever.

Samantha – UC Santa Barbara: VH1’s Tough Love! The women are such train wrecks that it’s hard not to watch! Best of all, no one gets kicked off, so your favorite tranny look-alike is there every week for your viewing pleasure. Watch as these women work through their “daddy issues” and try to find love. Priceless quotes to throw around with the roomies guaranteed.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I may or may not have seen every episode of Say Yes to the Dress. I mean, come on, really expensive and really pretty dresses mixed with a few horrible women with bad taste? It’s Amazing!

Hillary – Columbia: I watch a ton of awful television, but my favorite reality show will always be Man Vs. Beast, a two-hour special aired by Fox in 2003. In it, people competed against animals in a variety of competitions—a sprinter raced a giraffe, a Sumo wrestler had a tug-of-war with an orangutan, and, maybe best of all, competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi had a hot dog eating contest with a bear. Seriously. Just watch a few clips. They’re amazing.

Erica – Kent State University: The Rachel Zoe Project.  LIT-ERALLY, I love watching Rachel (aka The-Walking-Panic-Attack) & Taylor (aka The-Five-Year-Old-Who-Somehow-Made-It-Into-The-Fashion-Biz) go BANANAS.  Seriously, Rachel has influenced my closet and my vocab.  LOVE her.

Kelly- Simmons College: I love the Real Housewives. My roommate and I watch the end-of-season marathons and get completely hooked for 12 hours about people we don’t like and don’t actually care about. What other show can do that?

Zahra- Northwestern University: Lately I’ve been obsessed with Tool Academy. It’s hilarious when the guys break things or get into fights to show off their manliness, but also brings me to tears when I see girls finding out about their guys’ infidelities.

Alex – Lakehead University: My favourite (yes, Canadian spelling!) reality show is Paranormal State on A&E. College students who moonlight as ghost hunters?! I’m in! Plus this show features some very unique stories, like the demon that follows them through several episodes. I’m hooked!

Jasmin – University of Missouri: HGTV’s House Hunters. Strange, I know, but it’s addictive. When I leave Mizzou for the real world, I’ll be ready to remodel my dream home.