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I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“I got straight A’s this semester. Well, and I gotta pee.”

“What?”

“I gotta pee. You gotta pee too.”

“All I want for Christmas is a boy on top of me.”

“Grandma, you need to know this stuff! Otherwise you’ll get roofied!”

“Well, it sounds exciting! I’d rather get roofied than… I don’t know, doofied.”

“This is a cute naked girl. She looks like you.”

“Yeah, Mom, isn’t it a nice Christmas card?”

“Didn’t your friends send you naked girls for your birthday, too?”

“… Yeah.”

“Honey, are you bisexual?”

“Mom!”

“How about that sultry duet with the dark-voiced date rapist trying to convince his sloshed female companion to stay in because it’s cold outside?”

“You mean ‘Let It Snow’?”

“Tommy’s very bright for his age. Four years old, he’s reading already, he’s doing very well in pre-school, smarter than most of the other kids in the class – Tommy, get that motorcycle out of your mouth!”

“Greatest movie ever made? Top Gun. No question.”

“Really? Isn’t it all just homoerotic beach volleyball scenes?”

“Well… yeah. That’s what it is, if that’s what you want it to be.”

“I don’t understand this Christmas card. Why did you just draw… a black man under some mistletoe?”

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