30 Rock’s, Tracy Morgan, spoke up in Maxim’s latest issue about his collection of tattoos. Most were standard – a cross, some names, etc. But one seemed to stand out (no pun…you’ll see) a little more than the rest.

Morgan confessed to having the words “Stove Top” tattooed along the side of his wee wee.

Yes, “stove top,” as in the instant stuffing.

“I’m pretty well-endowed. A girl told me to get that because I stuffed her up like a turkey. She said, ‘You should call that Stove Top!’”

Hysterical (and slightly disturbing). I mean, think of the pain of getting a tat down there, the poor tattoo guy that has to do it. And just how many men are doing this!? Of course, it also got me thinking of what other funnies a man could ink downtown.

(Note: It is Friday. We are hungover and ready for the weekend. Please understand that as you read on. We just can’t help it.) Read More »

When I saw this my only thoughts were What. The. F**k?! Why, why was this permitted to be patented?

For those unfamiliar with the Rapex, it is an “anti-rape condom”. Basically, it’s a condom worn inside of you with barbs that, should any man put his hoo ha where it is not welcome, it will be stuck with barbs removable only by a doctor.

Naturally, this raises a few questions, many of which can be answered by the website’s extremely helpful FAQ section.

The first question, of course: “When should I wear the Rapex?”

According to the website I should wear it when I: “travel long distances alone, on a train, working late, going out on a date with someone you don’t know too well, going to clubs, or in any situation that you might not feel comfortable or even just not sure.” So I guess I should just be practicing constant vigilance? At no point in my day should I forget that I– as the owner of a vagina–am always susceptible to rape, and this device will always allow me to have it in the back of my mind!

Secondly, how does this change my relationship with, ya know, the other half of the human race? Well, I know I don’t have to worry about my boyfriend being hooked, “unless you are in a violent relationship and you do get raped by your husband or partner. The choice is then yours whether to wear it or not. ” Whew! Thank you Rapex, for giving me that option! Read More »

I was born in New York, I live and work and play in New York, and chances are I’ll die in New York (hopefully not too soon). So I’ve taken a lot (lot LOT) of rides on the subway and the Long Island Railroad. And it has mostly sucked.Yesterday, during one subway ride alone, I experienced three (THREE!!!) subway faux pas(es?) during a 45-minute commute. Look, enough is enough. The time has come, my friends! Rules must be set in place. Action must be taken.

So here, for your thoughtful perusal, are my 8 Arbitrary Rules of Public Transportation:

(1) Thou Shall Not Hit Others In The Head With Thy Weave.

I’m minding my own business, listening to Weezer and wondering whether or not I’m going to be late to class, when these two women with orange faces and giant sunglasses (you know what I’m talking about? you know what I’m talking about) get on the train and sit practically on top of me. They are screaming about some other women that they apparently don’t like. And then–Weave Woman, who has the LARGEST blonde ponytail you have ever seen, WHACKS me in the face with her “hair.” This happens four more times before I finally can’t deal and I move. She never says sorry. Weave Woman, learn the rules. Read More »