[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Just like a psychic that can tell your future with Tarot cards or your palm, guys can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of drink she is having at a bar. And just like those crappy psychics with crystal balls, guys are often full of sh*t too, but here goes.

Note: I am using the bar as a setting rather than a house or frat party because it offers up more variety. The only variety you get at college parties is not what you’re drinking, but how you’re downing that Natty Light: upside down, through a funnel, or the traditional red cup. At your local bar, however, you can see everything from your down-to-earth non-light beer drinkers to the seemingly high-maintenance Cosmopolitan drinkers. Can both of these women be the same person on different nights? Sure, but not likely.

Guys know what they like also, but we’re a little shaky on our drink convictions. We pretty much drink what’s available or what everyone else is drinking. We like being part of the (wolf) pack. Primal instinct, I guess. And with this primal instinct comes the ability for men to predict certain kinds of personality traits based on the type of drink a women is having.

Now, there are way too many drinks and concoctions to go over all of them, so I will choose the most popular based on a recent Friday night research session at a local bar.

What follows is a gateway into the part of the male brain that is dedicated to women and bad decisions: the penis. OK, OK – I’m kidding. We do use our real brains (just not to their full potential at times), but we are wired differently so have an open mind and don’t get mad if the stiletto fits.

Cosmopolitans
When a guy sees a girl drinking a cosmo, the first thing that will come to his mind is, “uh oh, this girl is a prissy brat looking for someone to buy her drinks for the rest of the night.” Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain. Cosmos are sweet, pricey, and usually watered-down. The phrase “you are what you eat” (in this case drink) obviously comes to mind. Men think you are probably sweet, but pricey and with a watered-down personality. I don’t mean pricey like a hooker, but more like you appreciate nice things, material things. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but know beforehand that the cosmo in your hands is a sign that reads, “Sex and the City princess without the sex.”

Vodka Tonic
One part vodka, one part tonic water. Throw in a splash of lime if you’re feeling frisky and you have a simple, no frills drink that is tasty, but strong. It is no surprise that the description of a drink can also describe the drinker. With this drink in a woman’s hand, you can be sure of one thing: she’s not going to hold anything back. When I asked a 21-year-old woman what she thought about her vodka tonic, she replied, “it’s a little more rude than a cosmo, but straight up. Not fancy, just plain with a kick.” You can expect a woman with this drink to be more approachable and receptive to a guy’s opening line, but she will be quick to tell you whether or not she is interested. She is laid back and mature, but likes to have a good time. She gives the impression that she is also into health and her figure (this is the lowest calorie cocktail out there). Also, the type of vodka she chooses can reveal even more: If she chose the house vodka, she might not be as picky about her style of men; she’s attracted to whoever catches her eye. With premium vodka, she knows exactly what she wants and never settles for less.

Beer
When all else fails, the girl drinking beer will probably never let you down. This is the girl who you can party with and then hit Taco Bell with at 3 in the morning. She isn’t offended by the multitude of sexual innuendos and jokes that are inevitable when guys get together and drink. Guys are so comfortable with these types of women because they know they can expect a drama-free night, unlike with the quiet, cosmo drinkers huddled around a table in the corner. When guys think of a girl who drinks beer, the following descriptions come to mind: cool, down-to-earth, and one of the guys.

There is only one problem – guys say they want date someone like that, but they hardly ever do. These women are very likeable and easy to be around, but they have the tendency of falling into the dangerous friend zone. This slippery slope can wreak havoc on your dating life because while you’re puking your guts out from all that fun beer pong, the guy you secretly like is trying to pick up the hot, girly cosmo drinker during last call (smart fellow waited until it was last call so he wouldn’t have to spend money on all those damn expensive cocktails).

Shots
This is probably the most controversial description for two reasons. The first one is because women hate it when men judge them based on the superficial. (Women call it superficial, we call it deductive reasoning.) Second, women don’t want to admit to being that girl dancing on the bar in her bra with guys throwing dollar bills at her (the same girl you and your girlfriends will gossip about on Monday morning). No woman wants to be called a slut. Not even sluts like being called sluts. It is important that you know what men are thinking, though, so I will have to be the one to break the news to you:

Tequila, Jager, Kamikazes, Fuzzy Navels, and the vastly offensive yet tasty Red-Headed Slut – all great shots that lead to bad decisions and great morning-after stories. If you’re a woman taking shots like a champ, you might as well wear a bullseye on your back. Men think you’re a slut. Girls taking shots at a bar makes a girl with a tramp stamp look more prude than Taylor Swift. For you it might just mean that you are celebrating or had a really long day, which is fine. But celebrating and that really long day ended around shot #7. Men, on the other hand, are thinking one thing: this is a woman looking to do something or someone crazy and not remember it the next day.

Wine
Red or white, wine will always mean sophistication, maturity, and a low tolerance for bullshit. Men tread lightly around a women drinking wine at a bar. The glass of wine tells men that she knows how to pace herself, but with the right company, the glasses will keep coming and alcohol will do what it does best. The wine-drinker enjoys a good conversation, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about something deep like existentialism. As long as it’s engaging, she will stay along for the ride.

Could I be completely off on these descriptions? Of course. If you’re a female beer drinker, you might be reading this and saying to yourself, “I hook up plenty with my guy friends and just because I like to drink beer doesn’t mean I’m not feminine enough.” You’re right, it doesn’t. But, like with all the other drink types, there might be women out there who have consistently thought they were sending a different message or no message at all with their drink.

This isn’t a scientific approach to personality profiling. It is, however, a blunt assessment of how most guys think when it comes to women and their drink of choice. Men are lazy. We use anything in our brains that helps us cut corners and make decisions quicker (things like past experiences, movies, stupid sh*t our friends say, and even superficial things like drinks). Have some fun with this and use it on guys. Next time you go out with your girlfriends to a bar, play around with this and see what kind of guy each drink attracts.

It’s worth a shot.

Well, someone’s done the impossible and made the tramp stamp look classy.

Let’s face it: we all make stupid decisions. Like choosing a fifth over a review session, or bringing that guy home…who stole our iPod in the morning. That’s part of college life… and a big part of what makes it so memorable. But there are some choices that have longer lasting repercussions; things we do now that will haunt us later.

So here are the 11 things from your 20’s you will most definitely regret when you’re 40.

11. Risque Internet Photos: What’s the point of having technology if you can’t use it to send a naughty pre-shower photo to your BF? Nothing will turn him on quite like a naked photo popping up in his inbox while he’s brushing up on his Stats knowledge. You trust him, so what’s the worst that could happen? How about a break up? Or the “forward” button? No matter what you think, those photos are going to come back and bite you in the (naked-with-a-spot-of-cellulite) ass. Just show him the real thing and let him turn to his imagination (or internet porn) for a mid-class pick me up.

10. Trendy Tats: You totally love butterflies/stars/unicorns now, but I can bet money that you won’t want them plastered on the top of your foot or your lower back forever. No one wants to see a mom with a rose tattoo on her left shoulder, so think before you ink.

9. Choosing guys over your girls: You get caught up in your relationship sometimes and blow off the girls. Fine, we get it. But when sometimes turns into “What the hell ever happened to Mary?” there is a problem. Especially when Mr. Douche Bag finally breaks up with you and you come crawling back to the girls with a tub of Edy’s and a box of tissues and they aren’t there to wipe the snot from your cheek. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days holed up in a dirty apartment watching your man play Rock Band and chug Natty Light? Learn the balance, honey.

8. Getting married too young: I’ve seen it too many times – people graduate, freak out and hold onto whatever they can of their youth. And they get married.  And become super lame married people. It may be pure bliss now (and lots and lots of kitchen-ware), but just think about all the awesome stuff you will miss by being tied down in your twenties, all that freedom: to travel when you want, to take a job wherever you want, to sleep with whomever you want, to party as late as you want, to discover yourself, to sleep with whomever you want…. Plus, do you really want pictures of your friends doing keg stands in your wedding album? I thought not.

7. Smoking: Mmmm tobacco. It feels so good when it hits (and consequently blackens) your lungs. Especially after you’ve had a few Rum and Diets. And you look so cool doing it. But you know what doesn’t feel good? Chemo. And you know what doesn’t look cool? Your wrinkley face or your kids stealing the pack from your tobacco stained purse and trying it for the first time. When they are 6. This sh*t will kill you, so stop it. Right now! Seriously, put down that Marlboro Light, sister.

6. Not traveling enough: Trust me on this one – you will never have the time, money or freedom to travel like you do now.  Pretty soon you’ll be working late nights and counting down the minutes until the that will be chock full of grocery runs and Bed, Bath and Beyond trips. Try finding time in that busy schedule to jet-set to Europe and “find yourself.” Pack your bags and see the world now, before you’re too old to experiment with drugs in Amsterdam and enjoy a ping pong show in Bangkok.  Pick up a travel book and start planning!

5. Bad Credit: You can’t live without that Coach bag right now. You just have to have that DVF dress for the date party. Everyone else has an iPhone and you want one too. You’ll just charge it and worry about it later, right? Wrong, bitches. Ruining your credit now on stupid stuff (yes, I am telling you that bag is a stupid investment) will totally eff things up for you in the future. Things like getting a house, a car, a boyfriend (bad credit is a total turn-off) and sometimes even a job. Spend wisely, ladies. That bag is going to be out of style in .25 seconds anyway.

4. Not finishing school: Do we really even need to mention this one? Could you think of anything you’d regret more when you are 40 and working the checkout lane at your neighborhood Wal-mart? That is, assuming, you can even get that job in this economy.

3. Pre-vacation tanning: You tell yourself that you just want to get a base tan before Spring Break in Cabo. Sure, you will look fiiiine in that white shift dress for the 6 days after you return, but that wrinkley, skin cancer-ed mess is not going to look so hot when you’re 40 and you look like a Sharpei.

2. Stilettos: Part of becoming a woman is rockin’ the hottest pair of the highest heels. They make your legs look sick (that’s a good thing), make the men beg, and your jeans are too long to wear with anything lower. Why wouldn’t you wear them? I’ve got one hyphenated word for you: hammer-toes. You want to spend the later part of your life looking at that in a sandal?  Make your Feet Happy with these ultra comfy and cute socks..

(Editor’s note: I was going to put a picture of a gross foot here, but you Google “gross feet in sandals” and tell me how it makes you feel.)

1. “It feels better without condoms” sex: You’ll probably regret this one right off the bat as you spend your senior year chasing a kid around the dorms, but you’ll seriously regret it later when you look back at your life and realize how much you missed out on because you were busy changing diapers and bouncing a kid on your knee. Oh, and no one likes a woman with a bumpy vagina. I’m just sayin’; those genital warts will never go away.

Uh. I beg to differ.

Oh, I see what’s happening here. Because fun little artwork is much cuter and classier than your giant crack hanging out of the top of your jeans. And it draws way less attention.

The fact that a product like this exists makes me question humanity. It’s the type of thing that would worry Tim Gunn and put Anna Wintour into a coma. Can’t we all just agree to nix the ill fitting jeans?

So. Tempted. To. Give. Wedgie.

By now, we’re all familiar with the fashion atrocities committed by the male population.  No, sweaty dude, that mesh tank top does not look good on you.  Or anyone, really.  But women are not free from errors – actually, considering our traditional involvement with fashion, we make rather more mistakes.

In fact, that is the entire reason I read People magazine – the photo spreads that come out after major awards shows are priceless.  I mean, these celebrities have stylists!  How can these awful things happen??

Luckily, when I make a fashion faux pas, it usually goes undocumented.  However, it doesn’t always go unnoticed (thank goodness for my friends…the ones who truly care about me will tell me if I’m looking like a blind hooker as I’m walking out the door).  In the spirit of keeping our fellow ladies informed and aware (or end the unprovoked assault on our eyes as we walk down the street), we’ve made a list of the top five fashion faux pas’.

If you or any of your friends have done/are doing any of these…just stop.  Seek help.

Exposed Thong

We get it. You're wearing a thong.

At no point during daily life should anyone’s thong be on show, unless you’re working the pole.  In which case, that’s probably the only thing you’re wearing and you’re exempt from this one.  For the rest of us, thongs (and other undergarments) should remain safely tucked in to your clothing.  If you wanna advertise the goods, leave the wrapping out of it.

Quadraboob

No, four boobs are not better than two.

No matter what guys say, two boobs are enough for any girl.  That’s perhaps why quadraboob (when your bra cup is too small and your breasts literally runneth over) is so offensive.  Some seem to think that quadraboob is sexy, implying that your boobs are huge and you’re just a big pile of sex.  We (and humanity) disagree.  It’s just so…bumpy.  And it doesn’t help that quadraboob usually comes coupled with back fat.

No Bra

No one needs to know if your boobs hang low. Or how low, for that matter.

Even more disturbing than quadraboob is the no bra faux pas (rhyming things make terrible things seem better).  The bouncing, the swinging, the nipples…oh, the nipples.  Boobs just need support!  They need to be shaped!  Your shirt was not made for your boobs, it was made for your bra!  The bra really does make the woman and no bra makes a saggy-boobed hippie.

Muffin Top

I don't know about you, but I prefer my muffin tops with chocolate chips and coarse sugar.

We all know it.  We all hate it.  Yet why do we continue to see the muffin top invading our schools and storming our streets??  There are a million different stores to shop at, which means everyone has the option of finding a pair of pants/a skirt that will fit them.  Sure, you might have nice legs that are proportionally more lean than the rest of your body.  Show them off in a mini dress, sister!  Just don’t buy a pair of pants to showcase your gams and leave the rest of your body to hang over the edge.

Denim on Denim

Yes, jeans go with everything. Just not jeans.

Nothin’ says class like a denim tuxedo.  Let’s break it down:  Jeans are fantastic and probably the best fashion innovation ever.  Denim shirts are hideous, period.  Denim jackets, harmless though they may seem, are the hardest things to pull off.  You can’t wear them with jeans, even if the denim is a different color (it’s still denim).  You can’t wear them with a skirt, otherwise you risk looking like you’re in junior high in the midwest (I live there, so I’m allowed to say that).  Best to avoid any combination of denim whatsover and stick with jeans. On your legs. End of story.

Girls with tattoos get a bad rap these days. They are associated with “don’t mess with me” bad ass chicks, trashy/skanky girls, and hippie-love-child wannabes. But I want a tattoo and I am none of those things.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about permanently tagging myself, but I can’t seem to commit to it. There is so much to consider, tattoos being permanent and all, and the last thing I want is to regret my decision. Or end up with 56 stars on my face.

On the one hand, I agree with Angelina Jolie when she said, “A tattoo is something permanent when you’ve made a self-discovery, or something you’ve come to a conclusion about…and a strong reminder to live fully in the moment.” At the same time, though, I also agree with my friend’s brother who said, “Imagine getting scrunch socks tattooed on your legs in the early 90′s. Would you want that there now?”

Touch, bro. Touche.

So, let’s break down the pros and cons of the tat.

It Will Be On You Forever

The bad: Obviously, a trademark of a tattoo is that it’s permanent, which is part of both its charm and its demise. I know a girl who got an enormous tattoo on her ribcage and half of her stomach. Let’s be real here, people are living pretty damn long these days, which means stupid adages to “live fast, die fun” will be stuck on their (considerably more flabby and wrinkly) torsos for just as long.

The good: Some tattoos are chosen simply for their permanence, such as getting your significant other permanently scrolled across your arm to proclaim your everlasting love (right Johnny Depp?), or for someone you lost, a part of your heritage, or something that means a lot to you. If placed in a strategic location, who cares if something important to you is on you forever? That’s the point!

It Will Generate Attention

The bad: Let’s face it, a lot of girls with tattoos are the same people who wear shirts that say “Drink Til He’s Cute” and will likely attempt a bar fight with you for looking at her man wrong. In other words: they want people to look at ‘em. Getting butterflies, flowers or dolphins inked in a visible location (i.e. lower back) is just begging guys to stare. And judge you.

The good: Nothing screams “I am spontaneous and interesting” like a well-positioned, unique and understated tattoo. Afterball, tattoos are like stories on your body, each having an inherent meaning. I know a guy who chased after this girl simply for her little Chinese character on her lower hip because she just seemed “so much cooler than the girls he was used to.”

It Is A Work Of Art

The bad: Apparently not all tattoo artists are on the same level. I know a few people who have received bad tattoos and deeply regret them. One girl got stars tattooed right above her vajay (I know – really poor decision…) and the guy doing them totally messed up (maybe because he was so close to her vajay). But even the best tattoos can bleed or fade, leaving your beautiful looking like more of an eyesore than eye candy.

The good: Gotta love that freedom of expression. What many people forget is that tattooing is one of the oldest and most widely practiced forms of artwork. Also, tattooing an original design onto your body is an unparalleled mode of expression and can be liberating. The uniqueness and value you and others assign to tattoos is the part that matters.

• I really wish my contribution to society was “:-)”! I’m really jealous…seriously. (Wired.com)

• So, wait, it’s breaking news now that people like to look at attractive people and it only takes a half second to notice them? Any horny college kid could’ve told you that. (Yahoo News)

• If you have a tramp stamp, beware! All of those pregnancies that your stamp has been causing is going to make birth a lot more painful. (wsj.com)

• Bad News: You’re in college and weed is still illegal. Good News: As long as you’re not a raging pot-head. (denverpost.com)

• I almost forgot Halloween was coming. So, just in case you love candy as much as we do at College Candy (ha) check out some sweets that never made it onto store shelves. (i-mockery.com)

It’s official – Paris Hilton is out of jail after a less than 72 hour stint. Also, and quite sadly, it proves that celebrities can get away with ANYTHING if they put their money to it…i mean mind…my bad Dr. Freud.The reason for the early release? Last time I checked, telling everyone “That’s hot!” was not grounds for early release. OH NO, Paris Hilton was released due to over-crowding. Hate to be melodramatic, but not since the freeing of Barabbas has their been such a tragic miscarriage of justice.

Look – I am not saying we hang her, but little primadona trust-fund babies need to learn than the world has consequences. We are not only doing them a disservice, but every American that pays taxes and relies on the justice system has just been fisted by the LA judicial system. I am sure they are excited about the new Hilton Municipal Recreation Center that her Mommy and Daddy will be building for LA in 5 months, but overcrowding??? SHE HAD A PRIVATE CELL FOR F*&^SAKE! Was it too small for her and her liver?

Overcrowding is not defined as a party of one, but rather a gross overpopulation in a very confined area. Paris in a room the size of my studio apt – is not a crowd. If there is an issue, how about ridiculous marijuana possession “convicts”? According to sources, over half a million people are arrested a year for having miniscule amounts of pot – yet this skank and her dopey-assed binge-and-purge socialite friends drink and drive like it’s an Olympic sport and get away with it.

I throw the bullshit flag! If one of us got caught (after multiple infractions no less), we would be running our tin-can up and down the bars of our local country jail for MUCH longer then the slap on the wrist she received in the first place! The point is, once we as a society establish a double standard for celebrities to commit generally accepted crimes – where does it end?

Ok, OJ aside – and R-Kelly and MJ aside – right…then there was Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey, Jr. – dammit, Mel Gibson got away with it too…

Fine, you win celebrities – we as a public are f*&^ed. It’s true, as a group you are able to commit any crime with zero backlash. Maybe you lose some PR points, but we are fickle and forget about it as soon as you do some stupid-assed PSA about the dangers of whatever crime you committed. Kudoes…I guess.

Sad though, what the hell is this teaching 10 year olds about justice? I mean, I am old enough to KNOW I should be outraged, am I just bitter or does anyone else thing this is a travashamockery?!

paris hilton

I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for awhile now, but I just can’t decide where to put it. Where you choose to get your tattoo can say a lot about you, and every single body part seems to have negative connotations. For example, the lower back is not a place for a tattoo but a tramp-stamp.

Where would you get a tattoo?

Here’s the rest of my tattoo-placement assessment:

Ankle: A safe, classic place for a tattoo. Shows off the tattoo, but not too ostentatiously.

Wrist: You might be slightly suicidal if you get a tattoo here.

Hipbone: Tramp-Stamp.

Upper back: another “safe place,” but safe in the way that your dad probably won’t see the Tweety Bird on your shoulder.

Neck: You’re totally hardcore, not afraid of pain or popping your jugular vein.

Nether regions: why bother?

That said, I don’t think there is really a classy place to get a tattoo– if “classy tattoo” isn’t an oxymoron when you’re 20, it will be when you’re 50 and the rose on your arm has a few more petals. Perhaps the best place for my tattoo is where it already is: doodled all over my history notebook.

Click here to see SNL’s Turlington Lowerback Tattoo Remover Video.