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To give you a little background, it all started in 2002 when music critic Jim DeRogatis was given a video by a currently unnamed source featuring what appeared to be R. Kelly giving an allegedly underage girl money, then getting a BJ from her, having sex with her, and pissing on her. DeRogatis broke the story in the Chicago Sun-Times, and shortly thereafter R. Kelly was charged with soliciting a minor for child pornography, seven counts of videotaping the acts, and seven counts of producing child pornography. Now, six years after the initial indictment, the trial has begun and it’s like the sexy remix of the O.J. Simpson trial.

Proceedings began in late May with a viewing of the tape so the jurors could see exactly what they’re working with. What they saw was a half hour long video featuring a man that looks a hell of a lot like R. Kelly and a girl that looks a hell of a lot like the alleged victim doing things that are definitely not legal for a 31-year-old man and a 14-year-old girl to do together. However, both Kelly and the girl claim that the individuals in the video are not them, and the defense’s major claim is that the tape is part of an elaborate scheme by the girl’s family to extort money from the singer.

The interesting thing about this claim is that not all of the members of the victim’s family can agree that the girl on the tape is her. While Shonna, Leroy, and Charlotte Edwards (uncle, cousin, and aunt, respectively) deny that the girl on the tape is the alleged victim, four other relatives, including Stephanie “Sparkle” Edwards, a former protégé of Kelly’s, say that their relative and the girl on the tape are most certainly one in the same. This allegation is also backed up by the girl’s former BFF Simha Jamison (who, BTW, said she recognized the girl on the video by her mullet haircut) and by Lisa Van Allen, who claims that she was involved in numerous videotaped threesomes with Kelly and the victim.

Kelly’s former assistant Lindsay Perryman also identified the alleged victim as the girl in the video, and the man as her employer. She said she recognized the girl from back in the day when she would hang out at the studio after school doing her homework and babysitting the singer’s children.

And then there’s the mole.

In a few scenes, a large mole can be seen on the lower back of the man in the video – police photos of Kelly’s naked torso reveal that he has a mole on his back in the same location. While this would seem to be pretty cut and dry evidence that the man in the video is Kelly, the defense retaliated by having a forensic video expert come in and break the film down frame by frame, showing that sometimes the mole is there, and then other times it isn’t. The expert contested that the mole isn’t a mole at all, but rather an “artifact” from poor lighting and recording equipment.

Not convinced yet that the trial is a total madhouse? Have I mentioned that the alleged victim is Kelly’s guitarist’s daughter and the singer’s goddaughter? Or that a fan broke in to the courthouse to scream “Free R. Kelly!” at the jurors? Or that one of Kelly’s lawyers actually referenced the movie magic of the Wayans brother’s Little Man when talking about how the film footage could be doctored? If you haven’t been keeping track of this story, I suggest you start. It’s enough to make you think twice about your would-be amateur porn videos. And love for R. Kelly. And, of course, pissing on kids.

[A special thanks to celebritysmackblog.com for the awesome pic.]

Yeah, she was ridiculous, but she wasn’t lying about it. She knew she was buckwild and she owned it, for better or worse.

However, Winehouse has long since passed the point of cheeky irresponsibility and is progressively becoming more and more of a certifiable horror show. Witness her newest totally insane escapade that occurred just yesterday at her husband Blake Fielder-Civil’s assault trial in London.

Winehouse, who showed up no less than four hours late for the trial, parked herself in the front row where she spent the duration of the proceedings doing a number of apesh*t crazy things, including;

-Blowing kisses to Blake

-Holding up a heart brooch with Blake’s name on it so he could see it

-Patting the empty seat next to her as an invitation for her husband to join her

-Mouthing “I love you” and other phrases until a guard had to tell her to stop

Then, after about two hours of hanging around acting exactly how you would expect a crack zombie to act, Winehouse decided she was over it and rolled out. As she was leaving the courthouse a reporter asked her how her husband looked and she responded, “He’s gorgeous as f*ck. You seen him before?”

Oh Amy. I miss the days when you were a girl I thought it might be fun to party with as opposed to someone who I suspect would steal my eyeballs and sell them on the black market to buy more meth. If you someday manage to kick the habit and go back to being a fun boozebag, please give me a call. In the meantime, I don’t want to see you anywhere near my eyeballs.

He’s more than a crybaby who had a panic attack in jail and was tied up in his own home. He’s more than an obnoxious frat boy in a designer suit.

Joe Francis is a good guy.

At least according to Joe Francis.

Meetjoefrancis.com is the Girls Gone Wild creator’s new online endeavor to show the world that his past behavior was all a misunderstanding…something he’s been plagued by his whole life.

“I’m excited to have this opportunity to introduce myself to you personally.” Francis writes on his homepage.

“Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being misunderstood.”

“From as early as the first grade, when a teacher’s aide took offense at my efforts to get her attention by putting a tack on her chair, to more recently, when a certain Southern judge took a relentless interest in putting me behind bars, it seems that I have been in a constant struggle just to be understood as a regular guy trying to get by in life.”

Putting a tack on someone’s chair to get attention? More like putting a tack on someone’s chair to watch them sit on a tack and laugh.

Francis attempts to continue to defend his ‘gosh darn regular joe’ persona by describing in vivid detail his first childhood crush.

“Miss Davis was a teacher’s assistant. I remember her as a tall, slender woman with great breasts, the face of an angel and the kind of eyes you can lose yourself in. What the hell am I talking about. I was 6. The point is, I was in love.”

6 years old and he’s already thinking about boobs.

You know, Joe? I don’t think you’re misunderstood at all.

You’re exactly what we’ve always thought you were: a self-absorbed ass who thinks he’s awesome.