With all the crazy sh*t happening in the world today, we here at CC can’t help but think back to the days when the biggest issue in our lives was whether our Mom had put our favorite over-sized T-shirt (with the Coke Bears on it!) in the laundry yet.

Yeah, we’re talking about Elementary School.

And maybe we’re not even talking about the Elementary School of today, because apparently kids are alergic to everything and on mood-altering drugs and having sex at 11. We’re talking about the Elementary School of our youth. Troll Dolls. New Kids On The Block (the first time). Side pony-tails. Dunkaroos. Life was so much fun back then — or at least our nostalgia tells us it was.

In honor of our childhoods, and because we are so. drained. from a week full of political and economic strife, we’ve decided to put together the 10 Best Things About Elementary School. Feel free to add your own happy memories in the comments…

10) Lunchables

Yeah. These things were really bad for us. They were full of chemicals and sugar. Refined and processed. But hot damn, were they good.

9) Cootie Catchers

How many of these could you make in thirty seconds? How many times did you actually believe with your heart and soul that Sean, who sat two desks over, was actually going to fall in love with you because the Cootie Catcher said so? P-U-R-P-L-E…

8 ) Homework That Included Coloring

Booyah. This was the sh*t, right up there with making dioramas out of shoe boxes. Color the 50 states? Sure. Color the different parts of the flower? WHY NOT? Nothing was better than lulling yourself into a zen-like state with coloring and calling it “work”.

7) Skip-It

One time, I Skipped-It around my entire block for an hour. Exercising has only gone downhill since…

6) Yoo-Hoo

Do they even sell this stuff anymore? It’s probably known to cause cancer now, but back in Elementary School, this drink was as valuable as pure crack cocaine from Colombia. You could bargain for anything with Yoo-Hoo, including your friend’s half-baked cookie from hot lunch.

5) Trapper Keepers

If people wouldn’t look at me weird, I would still be using my Lisa Frank trapper keeper from 5th grade. That bitch held everything, even pens. Plus, you could add all the cute kitten and Troll doll folders you wanted to it and it would still close

4) Snap Bracelets

These things were outlawed in my school as soon as they arrived, but the potential to actually cut someone only made them cooler. If you sat in the back of the bus, you could watch boys having whipping contests with them — first one to shed a single tear loses.

3) Anything with Unicorns on it

Unicorns were hip in Elementary School. Especially if they had wings, or were painted in really bright colors. You could have Unicorns on your pens, notebooks, pencil cases, shirt…the list goes on. I can’t own anything with a Unicorn anymore, even though my love for them is still strong.

2) Sharkbites Fruit Snacks

Remember the white ones that tasted like all the colors combined? It was like an explosion in your mouth.

1) Recess

Tackling boys and throwing to the ground without worrying about restraining orders, getting “married” by the tire swing, testing the boundaries of your courage by kicking the tree with the bees in it; recess was pretty much the best thing the public school system ever did for us. I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life than when I watched my friend Bobby try to jump off a swing, only to have his jacket get caught by the chain, and fly backwards like a rag doll 6 feet in the air. Oh man. Good times.

First, what kind of reality show train wreck do you think Papa Joe is going to concoct for the next nine months? “Pimp My Placenta” hasn’t been taken by fetus-look-a-like Tila Tequila, right? Because Ashlee and Pete can totes write the theme song and not include any vowels or integrity like they always never do.

I also worry about Ashlee’s vajayjay. Normally I’d feel weird thinking about her fun parts, but this is a pressing human rights issue. Not only does a pregnancy imply that her nana has already been violated by his—gulp—”fallout boy,” but it also needs to prepare itself for the spikiest baby hair of all time to pass through. Seriously. Can you imagine pooping out a porcupine? Yeah, it wouldn’t feel too awesome, would it?

When the baby finally jigs its way out into the real world, do you think it’ll be any bigger than Pete’s evening guyliner pencil? I’m pretty sure it was documented that he’s 4’11” and Ashlee stands at a willowy 5’1.” This baby is probably not going to outsize an iPhone (and it definitely won’t be able to Google the nearest Chipotle, so really…what’s the point in having a baby at all?).

Come to think of it, this tot is going to be a lot like one of those Troll dolls from the 80’s, isn’t it? With a disproportionately large head and small, feeble body; an awkwardly sharp coif and a vacant stare; void of any distinct personality, etc.

Speaking of a collective hot mess, $20 says the baby’s first words will be American Apparel. I just hope it won’t be looped on a backing track that skips when it goes live–or maybe the baby could have Jessica record his or her first words–Lord knows that other Simpson sister could use some sort of social relevance tossed her way.

Anywizzle, as aforementioned, I have an inexeplicable affinity for the two as a couple, so Ash and Pete, congrats on whatever is going on; if nothing else, you two always look super happy. It’s sort of annoying and always just reminds me that I am completely alone. But if you’re reading this and ever need a babysitter, I was definitely jaykaying about…you know…all that other stuff.