This morning I walked into work, fast food and Starbucks in hand, severely hung-over only to see my boss and her brand new baby girl visiting from maternity leave. The entire office cooed at the baby asking to hold her and I stood there frozen, silently begging that she wouldn’t ask me if I wanted to hold her child…namely because, I can’t stand children

I hate that I can’t control them, which is hypocritical because I used to be one, but every time I see one I just think of how messy and sticky they are. Blame it on being locked out of the house by a five-year-old terror whilst babysitting back in the day, but the thought of being around children makes me shudder. I can’t interact with them. I am either too mature or too “coddling”, and they never, ever, ever do what I say. Not to mention their annoying, from toddlers to teenie-boppers, I can find a trait with every single one that literally makes the short fuse to the ticking time bomb that is my anger ignite.

My maternal instincts are crap too. Half the kids I graduated with are having babies and proudly displaying them all over Facebook. While I’m ecstatic that my peers are so excited that they went through the miracle of childbirth, I can’t help but think how much of a burden that child would be. I just KNOW I would resent it for holding my back from a few of my more lofty dreams. I know that’s wrong, it’s not the baby’s fault – but the thought of birthing children – or even spending 9 months with a bun in the oven all fat, and uncomfortable keeps me awake at night.

Maybe it’s because I’m still a kid myself, but children infuriate me. I can’t relate to them and they are frustrating. Maybe we both like Justin Bieber, but a relationship based on squealing over a boy three years younger than me just really isn’t my cup of tea. I can only feign excitement over Selena Gomez or play pretend with Barbie Dolls for so long before I am dying of boredom. Maybe I’m cynical. Maybe I’m completely void of imagination, maybe I’m just a bitch – but I really cannot stand your kid and please keep them in line when you are in public. I don’t really like their Dora the Explorer backpack, it’s not interesting, and my forced “cool!” doesn’t sound any more believable to them than it does to you.

Molly is a senior Journalism/English/Broadcasting major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. She’s not very good at small talk and English Bulldogs are her only vice. Follow her @gwacamolly on twitter or on Tumblr.

[Lead image via Stefan Glebowski/Shutterstock]

I know more about these women than I do about our forefathers.

Every Friday I head home from work, tear off my bra, put on my biggest pair of sweatpants, order in Pad Se Ew and settle in for a night of TV. Lame? Maybe. But get back to me after you’re working 60-hour weeks in the real world. Friday nights on the couch are sacred.

Last week, as I fired up the DVR to catch up on all the shows I’d missed from the week, I had a rather enlightening moment. Sorta like an Oprah “aha!” moment, only way more embarrassing. My entire DVR was taken up by reality shows. Top Chef, Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Ace of Cakes… Hell, I even had a little Real World/Road Rules Duel on there.

I looked around to make sure none of my neighbors could see my TV through the windows. I mean, I know I like me some crappy TV, but this was just mortifying. My entire life revolves around watching train wrecks on camera! But maybe it’s not that sad? I mean, everyone loves themselves a little trash now and then, right? Those shows are on for a reason. And some of them are actually really good! Maybe not anything on E!, but we can all learn a thing or two from The Biggest Loser, right?

Right?!?

To make myself feel better about my addiction (and my sad, lame life) I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their reality TV faves this week. You know you got one, too. Share it in the comments!

Norah – Drake University: I’m obsessed with cake shows. I can’t deal with the drama of other reality shows, but I like to watch people make pretty cakes that look impossible to eat.

Brithny – Duke: So You Think You Can Dance, because of the amazing… dancing. Obvi.

Kim – Stanford: Life would be a little less complete without SAY YES TO THE DRESS on TLC. Who doesn’t love weddddings?!

Lauren H – The New School: Top Chef! I’m a big food nerd, so I watch a lot of the food-based contest shows, but Top Chef is by far the best. The only downside is I’m always hungry after!

Caitlin – University of Alabama: I love E!’s reality shows like Girls Next Door, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.  UGH but those Lamas…that’s 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back!

Charlsie – Hollins University: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is my favorite reality show because when Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney get into fights they refer to each other as “stupid bitch ass whores.” If it wasn’t for this show, my sister and I would have boring arguments. The Kardashians keep us fresh with insults and put-downs!

Laura – St. John’s: Rock of Love.  I never tire of the varying extremes of trampy-ness these girls will go through to prove their love to Bret Michaels. (Really? Bret Michaels is the best you can do?)

Ricki – University of Michigan: The Bachelor/Bachelorette – It’s impossible to not believe in true love when every date they have is jet skiing in Hawaii or being alone on a deserted island.

Thu – USC: The City, if it is even considered “reality.” You kind of live a fabulous life vicariously through the people.

Leah – Ryerson University: What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style because everyone should feel fabulous about the way they look.

Anna R. – Northeastern University: My favorite reality show is The City. I didn’t watch the first season, but now I’m obsessed with it. It’s SO much better than The Hills (which is really lame and pointless now), and the girls’ jobs are actually interesting to watch. Plus, I love seeing what they are all wearing!

Kiki – University of Missouri: I spent at least nine hours of my life this summer watching 16 and Pregnant marathons on MTV. It’s like True Life mixed with Maury mixed with the best damn abstinence education ever.

Samantha – UC Santa Barbara: VH1’s Tough Love! The women are such train wrecks that it’s hard not to watch! Best of all, no one gets kicked off, so your favorite tranny look-alike is there every week for your viewing pleasure. Watch as these women work through their “daddy issues” and try to find love. Priceless quotes to throw around with the roomies guaranteed.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I may or may not have seen every episode of Say Yes to the Dress. I mean, come on, really expensive and really pretty dresses mixed with a few horrible women with bad taste? It’s Amazing!

Hillary – Columbia: I watch a ton of awful television, but my favorite reality show will always be Man Vs. Beast, a two-hour special aired by Fox in 2003. In it, people competed against animals in a variety of competitions—a sprinter raced a giraffe, a Sumo wrestler had a tug-of-war with an orangutan, and, maybe best of all, competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi had a hot dog eating contest with a bear. Seriously. Just watch a few clips. They’re amazing.

Erica – Kent State University: The Rachel Zoe Project.  LIT-ERALLY, I love watching Rachel (aka The-Walking-Panic-Attack) & Taylor (aka The-Five-Year-Old-Who-Somehow-Made-It-Into-The-Fashion-Biz) go BANANAS.  Seriously, Rachel has influenced my closet and my vocab.  LOVE her.

Kelly- Simmons College: I love the Real Housewives. My roommate and I watch the end-of-season marathons and get completely hooked for 12 hours about people we don’t like and don’t actually care about. What other show can do that?

Zahra- Northwestern University: Lately I’ve been obsessed with Tool Academy. It’s hilarious when the guys break things or get into fights to show off their manliness, but also brings me to tears when I see girls finding out about their guys’ infidelities.

Alex – Lakehead University: My favourite (yes, Canadian spelling!) reality show is Paranormal State on A&E. College students who moonlight as ghost hunters?! I’m in! Plus this show features some very unique stories, like the demon that follows them through several episodes. I’m hooked!

Jasmin – University of Missouri: HGTV’s House Hunters. Strange, I know, but it’s addictive. When I leave Mizzou for the real world, I’ll be ready to remodel my dream home.

At least Scotland has the Edinburgh Festival; here in the States, August is the month where summer days go to die, and when poor little children have to put down their toys and go back to school.

BUT, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be all bad; we’re just going to make the best of it. And it’s really not hard. There’s lots goin’ on in August.  Like cheese? It’s National Goat Cheese Month. Wanna be like Tiger Woods? National Golf Month. Starting your own business? Home Business Month and National Inventors Month. August doesn’t have to be all bad.

Aug 1- MTV Debuted
On this day in 1981, music videos found their home on the instantly-popular, new music channel: MTV. As you know, they’ve expanded now to not only include music (or, should I say, not include music at all), but reality shows as well. Get your 15 seconds (or an entire season) of fame by being on the Real World, which is casting right now! Or if the 24/7 camera-in-the-face non-stop-drama lifestyle doesn’t appeal to you, then apply for Made or True Life, both of which have considerably less screaming and flashing.

Aug 2 – National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
Ok, these may not be in sandwich form, but custom-made, mix-your-own ice cream?! I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM.

Aug 12- Middle Children’s Day (who knew it existed? And does this mean us middle kids can finally get the love and attention we deserve?!)
Aug 13- International Left-Handers Day

Aug 15 - International Homeless Animals Day
Observed on the third Saturday of August every year, this day promotes the safety and well-being of animals, which you can be a part of by attending a vigil, or simply lighting a candle. Or, if you’re really feeling charitable, you can head to a local shelter and bring a puppy home! Those are allowed in the dorms, right?

Aug 19- Bill Clinton‘s birthday
Aug 21- Ramadan begins
Aug 22- Be An Angel Day (Do what you will with this one…)
Aug 24- Strange Music Day
Aug 26- National Dog Day
Aug 27- Mother Teresa’s birthday

Aug 28- Dream Day
Martin Luther King Jr. gave the “I Have a Dream” speech in 1963 and inspired the world to follow his example. Dare to dream.

Aug 31- National Trail Mix Day
Just like ice cream- mix your own at YouBar!

Of course, there is also the whole back to school thing, and while studying doesn’t sound like fun, Welcome Week does!

So you met a boy. A perfect boy. A boy who loves True Life marathons and Frosted Mini Wheats as much as you do. A boy who kissed you on the cheek after walking you home and took your number (instead of drunk-friending you on Facebook). You totally heart him.

After coming in the house and telling your roommates all about how sweet and funny and “OMG he was wearing the hottest jeans,” you lay in bed thinking about him. And make a mental note to get a bikini wax ASAP, because you will most definitely be seeing him (in the buff) sometime soon.

You spend the next day clutching your phone, willing it to ring. You take it to the library, the gym and even into the bathroom. You jump every time the phone rings and mentally prepare yourself to turn on the charm, only to realize it’s a friend or, of course, your mom. Finally, you receive a text message:

Hungover in the library. Not fun

OMG OMG OMG. You run – no, skip – to your friend and show her the text.

“Aw, he totally hearts you!” She says. You blush, excited that someone else thinks this is a good thing, too.

“What should I say back?!” You spend the next 10 minutes crafting the perfect response: witty and cute without looking like you spent 10 minutes coming up with it.

You should try hungover on a treadmill.

You hit send then sit with your friend as you wait for a response. A few minutes go by. Then another few minutes. You start getting impatient, worried.

“What if he meant to send that to someone else? I know he’s got his phone with him – why isn’t he responding? Do you think he thinks I’m an alcoholic? I shouldn’t have responded so quickly. Oh god, he hates me.”

Your friend reassures you that you are being crazy, that he wouldn’t have texted you if he hated you and that he’s probably just doing something else. But you don’t believe her; she has to say those things. You want chocolate.

Finally, the familiar text alert rings from your phone. You flip it open quickly and there’s a message from the boy.

This is bad enough. I wish someone would bring me a Gatorade.

“What do you think that means?!” You ask your friend. “Does he want me to bring him a Gatorade? Should I be cute and bring him a Gatorade? What flavor do you think he likes? If there was a winky or smiley face I’d know he was asking me to bring him one…”

“Yeah, if there was a wink I’d think that would mean he’s asking you. Maybe he’s just making small talk.”  Your friend reasons. You IM another friend, give her a brief summary of what’s going on (including what the texts said word for word) and ask her opinion. She agrees that it’s small talk, that you should not go visit him with a variety of Gatorade flavors and that he’s just being cute and chatty with you.

“Yeah. Ok, what should I say back?” You spend another few minutes (longer than you usually spend answering a Blue Book question) working on a response. It is the perfect blend of flirty and cute, topped off with a smiley (obvs).

And then you wait for his response once again.
This goes on all day: read, evaluate (“do you think he really LOLed?”), contemplate, respond.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. You’re not the only one trying to decode the boys.

However, I’m able to cut MTV some slack because they aren’t always the network that shows hot people doing dumb things 24/7. Every once in awhile they cook up an awesome little nugget of TV goodness with some real substance. For example, they devote a decent amount of airtime to True Life. I’m pretty sure the only way you’d not know about True Life is if you had been living under a rock (or without basic cable) for the last ten years, but just in case you don’t know, every ep of True Life tells the entirely true story of 2 or 3 young people who are dealing with a particular issue. Sometimes its personal (“I’m Afraid of Intimacy”), other time it’s situational (“I Have A Summer Share ”), but either way it’s always AWESOME.

The only problem with True Life? There are just so.many.amazing.episodes – and equally as many that never air more than once. Actually this story ended up taking me a lot longer to write than originally planned because I spent more time watching the episodes online than writing about them. (Which reminds me – thank you MTV for putting these all online!) However, I was eventually able to peel my eyeballs away from the episodes and back to my open Word document to write up this list of my faves:

1) I Have OCD – So interesting. The dude who sniffs his armpits over and over? Classic television.
2) I Live Another Life on the Web – If this journalism thing doesn’t work out, this episode showed me I can always show my boobs on the internet for cash.
3) I’m Addicted to Crystal Meth – Enough said.
4) I Have Tourette’s Syndrome – The guy who spills a drink on his date warms my heart. I think tics are kinda cute.
5) I’m Uncomfortable with My New Body – Lots of sagging skin. Gross, but really interesting nonetheless.
6) I’m Getting Married – “I will gut you like a fish!” Sabrina & Charlie will always be my favorite TV couple.

Honorable Mentions: “I’m Jealous,” “I Panic,” “I Work in the Sex Industry,” “I’m Supporting My Family,” “I’m Obese,” “I Hate My Small Breasts” (a girl’s mother actually ENCOURAGES her to get breast implants by asking for donations from sugar daddies online!), and “I’m Competitive with My Friends.”

I just can’t wait until True Life: I’m Addicted to True Life comes out. An hour of watching me watch TV? Now that’s quality programming…

Check out True Life On Demand and watch some of these episodes online.

Okay, I know I’m not the only one obsessed. What are some of your fave episodes of True Life?

MMM! A diet you can live with…

Sarah Palin in Eff-Me boots! Never thought I’d see the day…

Candy kisses for Valentine’s Day!

These peeps went all out for Superbowl!

Awesome give-away for us single girls…

Glam up your make-up!

Emma Watson looking like a vamp!! Verrry sexy!

Clutches these days hold EVERYTHING!

Lily Allen! What were you thinking?!

True Life: I’m a Porn Addict? What?!

Yet, knowing all of that, I am still really embarrassed to have watched the trash also known as, I Love Money.

This show is trashier than The Real World, I Love New York and From G’s to Gents (yes, I have watched one episode of that train wreck) combined. I mean, seriously? Is VH1 for real with this show? There are just a bunch of REALLY dumb, really trashy people living in a house together…and having sex with other people in the room. And the names? Whiteboy? The Entertainer? DESTINEY?

I don’t know if I am watching TV or visiting a strip club.

I am not quite sure of the premise of the show, but I assume it is for all these freaks to try and win some money. And on last night’s episode, that somehow included making themselves cry with the aid of onions, cayenne pepper (that some moron RUBBED INTO HER EYES) and even some girl asking a dude to smack her in the face while her teammate tried (so hard) to be upset that she was away from her son.

Yeah. Seriously.

The Gold team ended up winning the tearjerker, which sent the Green team into a hizzy. I guess they lose a lot? I felt bad for them, especially that dude who has like no nose hairs left because he plucked them all out attempting to tear up.

So, after the competition everyone decides to get completely sh*tfaced and dance around topless throwing food at one another. Meanwhile, some dude is trying to save Destiney (cuz the whole team hates her), but gets mad cuz his brilliant plan doesn’t work.

The Gold captain (Paymaster?) now has some sort of power to take three people out and figure out which one she wants to save. (Note: choosing someone to leave is also called being “bounced.” Like a check? Get it? How cute!) And in attempts to stay in the game, some blonde chick with big boobs tries to make out with her. Toasty (what does that name even mean?) and the three people chosen by the Green team (Destiney, Real and Brandi C.) head out to the beach and go snorkeling.

And there are sharks. But I don’t care about that. I need to know: WHO IS GONNA STAY??? (Notice the sarcasm.)

There is some talking and then Real gets some one-on-one time with Toasty. The conversation did nothing except make me wonder if there is something wrong with that girl. Like, mentally. Is she slow?

Ok, so (finally!) after a load of wasted time watching people fight and stupid commercials, we find out that it’s time for Destiney to bounce. Goodbyyyyyye, Destiney!

And with that, I hate myself. I want that hour of my life back. I want my dignity back. I want everyone at the gym to know that I was only watching that show for work. NOT for pleasure.

Never again. Never.

It’s a brand new day in the house and Hotlanta gets a call telling her that she’s going to be evicted. Dude, pay your rent – don’t use the cash to go on a reality show.

The challenge for this episode is ridiculous – like more so than usual. Flav wants to get married one day and he’s going to see if any of these girls are marriage material. Three teams of – I don’t know what they are doing. One’s a bride, another is a maid of honor and another writes an objection for another team. Why?

Hotlanta drinks to prep, as would I. Who donated the gowns for this mess?

Flav looks as bizarre as one would expect him to look for his own wedding. Tree objects to Black’s marriage to Flav in the most insane dramatical manner. Total man.

Hotlanta gets married while drunk. Sinceer objects and then there’s a commercial break.

And I missed stuff because I switched to MTV and found a “True Life” about a kid who wants to be a tap dancer – when I switched back, I missed the objection and Thing 2 is marrying Flav. Proto-type objects saying that Thing 2 didn’t know that his real name is William Drayton. Seriously?

This challenge was boring and the winner of the boring challenge is Thing 2’s team. Seezinz and the Things are moving on to the next challenge – they have to each write eulogies for Flav’s funeral. So they go to change into black dress to properly eugoogolize him.

And Flav can’t be bothered to act dead in the casket.

Sinceer cries about Flav’s music and fighting racism. Flav pretends to rise from the dead (after eating a burger in the casket) and the winner is Sinceer so she gets the solo date.

The girls get a note from Big Rick and he’s going to give the old timers a chance to evaluate the new girls. Danger ahead.

I think that I love that Hotalanta’s carrying a bottle of wine and has liquor stashed in the room.

So evaluations: Prototype works at Men’s warehouse and is a Miller Lite model. Oh, and she’s met Flav before. Black is a white girl who was honest about her uncertainty about him. Luscious D knows Flav through what she’s seen on TV. Tree is a tall crazy man. And no one is attracted to Flav. I love it.

The old timers decide that Black should win solo time with Flav – which entails cow PJ’s for Flav and leopard lingerie for Black. Ew no make out no make out no make out!!

Next day: Sinceer and Flav are going out – oh, I’m learning that Sinceer’s wedding objection was about what a sh*tty mom Hotlanta is. I’ll give her that.

And Hotlanta has not learned the cardinal rule of being a contestant on a dating show – which is don’t say anything that can be used against you. She says that Flav isn’t rich “this house isn’t even his.” That’s what I’m saying, but still, shut up.

Flav and Sinceer are on a tiny plane for their date and I think that’s pretty cool. I love Flav’s summation: “As the air was blowing through her hair weave, I was really, really feeling her.” And then, as the plane starts to crash, I realize that Flav is the pilot and this date is nowhere near the galaxy of cool. He almost killed them; Flaviator you are not.

After the date, Flav has one on ones – with Luscious D, who is boring and has dogs, which Flav hates. Tree wants to bring Hotlanta into her one on one time to call her out for saying that Flav was broke. Flav asks the rest of the girls if they heard it and they did, so Flav takes out his cash to prove that he’s not broke. Is that what you won at the race track? I didn’t see if those were all singles in that wad.

Hotlanta and Thing 2 play the ‘how close can I get to your face without touching it while screaming at you’ game and Flav finally tells everyone to shut the f*ck up. I’ve wanted to do that since seven minutes into Episode One.

Hotlanta tells Flav that she doesn’t need a man to support her and that if he doesn’t see that she’s a ‘real woman’ that she doesn’t need to be there. For the record, a real woman keeps liquor stashed in her bedroom and doesn’t pay her rent on time to ensure that her children have proper housing while she’s on a reality show.

Eliminations: The last two standing are Hotlanta and Luscious D.

Luscious D goes home – by the way, does she have some weird fungal growth on the side of her face or is it just my TV? She’s like 15 anyway. Flav calls Hotlanta down to get her clock – and sends her home with it.

I cannot believe that my picks for the final two, Prancer and Hotlanta/Nicole are both out.

Next time: The exes come. Thing 2 still bones her ex. And Flav cries.

And I don’t have to even get into the music video problem. Or the fact that the channel’s completely lost its bite. The argument is old. Everyone knows MTV has sold out to big business and bling.

The show that highlights everything wrong with what was once our beloved edgy escape? The Hills.

This show is trash. Pure garbage. White 20-somethings bitching and whining that their deep pockets aren’t deep enough and their amazing jobs aren’t amazing enough. Bleach blond, breast-implanted bimbos who aren’t doing a thing to make this world a better place. Interning at Teen Vogue and working the door at some Hollywood club? This is supposed to drama? This is supposed to interesting? This is supposed to be camera worthy?

And god forbid the producers let a person of color or of a different race step into the frame. Darkly tanned and brunet does not count as diversity.

Why do people watch it? Mostly because it’s there, but also because it covers fantasy with a realistic sheen, making most of us mistakenly think we can live the same way. Not many people who move to the Hollywood Hills have millions of dollars in their bank accounts, not many people can stride into any club they please, or land topnotch internships without any experience. The characters on The Hills are famous. Camera crews are following their every move. You and I won’t find that kind of attention and excitement in Hollywood.

I’m sure if we all got together and bombarded MTV until they took these vapid girls and their bitchy boys off the air, they would disappear in a heartbeat, but something tells me it won’t happen. Something tells me this new cooperate MTV has got its claws too deep in the younger generations. Preteens and teenagers who think the shit this channel pumps out is what life is about, and they’ll hold onto their boring TRL and annoyingly egotistical Making the Band 4 until they grow up and realize there’s so much more to living than being rich and popular and knowing all the lyrics to the latest machine created pop hit.